


I would take it back (For just another minute, just another chance with you)

by andsowemeetagain



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Aurora Blake is alive, Bellamy and Clarke were crazy-in-love teenagers, Friendship, Humor, I left 8 years ago and now I'm back, Lots of Angst, Multi, Past Relationship(s), SOA AU (kindof but not really), Slow Burn, bellarke AU, but they were bad for one another, dad bellamy, now they are strangers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-04
Updated: 2016-10-22
Packaged: 2018-08-12 17:29:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 106,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7943017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andsowemeetagain/pseuds/andsowemeetagain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke Griffin left Arkadia when she was 18. Now almost 26, she makes her way home with her best friend beside her. Leaving Chicago was easy, coming home to the small town of Arkadia...not so much. But when she thought of the word "safe", she thought of home. She might not be wanted or welcomed there, not anymore, but that didn't matter. She just wanted to be safe, even if that meant she had to face everything and everyone she left behind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. But it's too late to go back (I can see the darkness through the cracks)

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a little SOA Bellarke AU solely based the Jax/Tara portion buuut it grew. It's angsty, it's a little dark, but I've tried to add some humor, love and friendship into that mix. This is my FIRST fic!! Sorry for any mistakes.

"Jesus, when you said 'small town' you literally meant a small town? This is like in the middle of nowhere? Surrounded by woods? At least 60 miles from the closest city?" Raven said. Her eyes glued to the surrounding forest.  
  
They had just passed the sign. _Welcome to Arkadia. Enjoy your stay!  
_  
_More like welcome back_ , Clarke thought.  
  
"Yeah...small town. I told you it was one of those places where everyone knows everyone? Not much mystery to it."  
  
"And you really haven't been back for what? 8 years?" Raven asks.  
  
"No"  
  
Raven ponders that for a moment. She rolls down the window and lets the cool night air into the car.  
  
"I know you already told me why but...Clarke...not to point out the obvious but your parents aren't even here anymore..."

Clarke lets that hang in the air. A little awkwardly. Of course her dad isn't here. He's six feet in the ground. The thought must run through Raven's mind at the same time, because she quickly adds "Shit. I'm sorry. I just meant...well your dad is gone...and your mom is back in Chicago so what? Friends? Do you have any other family here?"

"Not really. I mean, I don't have any family. And I probably don't have any friends left. Leaving like I did and...Not really, uh, not really contacting anyone after I left. So no, no family no friends."  
  
Raven lets the topic drop as they drive through Arkadia, back to the house that Clarke's dad had left her.  
  
Clarke didn't expect Raven to understand, but that didn't really matter. She was just glad that Raven was willing to come with her. To say that she didn't expect her to tag along would be an understatement. She was pretty shocked that night after she had broken down and finally told Raven that she had to leave, had to get out of Chicago, the brunette simply said, "Okay. When do we leave?"  
  
"What?"

"Well you didn't think I would just let you leave without me? Leave me behind like an old mattress?"  
  
"No Raven...I just....I didn't expect you to want to come with me? You know why I want to leave..and you know that I don't want to leave you but, I just. I didn't think I had a choice."  
  
"Look Clarke, I know why you want to leave. Honestly I'm kind of surprised that you waited this long. As for me...I don't..I mean, I don't have anything keeping me here? And you know the only reason I came here was...you know. So what else do I have in this crappy city? My shitty job? Please. I can get a shitty job anywhere."  
  
Tears swam in Clarke's eyes, "Raven..."  
  
"I know I know. I'm a great friend. There's a reason why I was always picked first. Well...a reason I used to be picked first."  
  
"I'd pick you first."  
  
"Of course you would. I'm awesome."

* * *

 Clarke pulls into the driveway of her old house. Well, her dad's old house. After her parent's had split when she was 15, her dad moved out of their (huge) house and bought his own. She spent her weekends with her dad and the rest of the week with her mom. His house was completely different from their (well, her mom’s) house. It was a one story house with decent sized back yard. Even though her mother’s house was bigger, she loved this one more. Where her mother’s house was neat, spotless and minimally decorated, her fathers was the complete opposite. The walls were painted a different color in every room. The furniture was antique and completely miss-matched. He had paintings hung everywhere and different art pieces all around the house. It always smelled like a mixture of paint and flowers while her mother’s smelled like...well, a hospital. She'd always felt more comfortable at her dads house. He let her decorate her own room. He even let her paint what she wanted on the walls. This was her home. She'd always felt like a guest at her mother’s house, even though she had lived there most of her life. It just had that kind of _feel_ to it.

Clarke turned the engine off and looked over at Raven. Once again, her chest fluttered with affection. When Clarke imagined coming home, she always imagined herself alone. She never actually thought she'd have someone in her life who'd willingly follow her all the way to the East Coast.

"What?" Raven asked, noticing the way Clarke was suddenly looking at her.  
  
"Nothing. I'm just...I'm just really glad you're here" Clarke answered.  
  
"So am I...now can we please get out of this car? I don't want to sit in this thing for the next month. No. The next year. I think my ass has left a permanent imprint in this seat." She opens the door and steps out.  
  
Clarke laughs and opens her door.

She looks back at Raven, but she's looking at the sky. It was 1:21 in the morning and it was almost pitch black outside.  
  
"What are you looking at?"  
  
"The stars. There are so many of them here? Wow. It's pretty much impossible to see them back in Chicago, with all the lights. I'd forgotten how beautiful the sky looked at night."  
  
Clarke looked up. It was true. She couldn't remember the last time she looked up and saw more than a couple here and there. But here they were everywhere. In every direction she looked, stars and more stars. It really was beautiful. And instead of making her feel small, insignificant, she was in awe. She'd been nervous about coming home since she'd first had the thought, months ago. Now, standing here, with the vast sky above her, she didn't feel nervous. She felt whole.  
  
"Let's just grab our purses and leave the suitcases for tomorrow. I just want to lie in an actual bed."  
  
"Okay" Clarke said.

They grabbed their bags and made their way to the front door. Clarke unlocked it and flipped on the light switch. She had called the power company a week before they left and requested to turn the electricity back on. After she decided to leave, she didn't want to rent the house out. She told herself it was because she didn't want the hassle of having tenants and being something like a land-lord but...if she was going to be honest, it was mostly because she didn't want some family to move in and change the house. It was her home. It didn't feel right to let some strangers make it their own. It was for that reason that she couldn't sell it either.  
  
Raven took a look around. So did Clarke.

It had been 8 years since she last saw this place. She thought of it often, and she had spent enough time there to remember where everything was; how it looked. But there were things she'd forgotten. Like how some of the paintings hung slightly crooked, or how her dad always seemed to buy the most random things and label them as 'house decor'. There was a candle warmer in the shape of a pumpkin next to the tv. There was a small black model of the Eiffel tower on the other side of the candle warmer; the tv between the two. She looked around the living room. It didn't scream of abandonment. In fact, it just seemed like whoever lived here left to run errands or something. There was even an old mug on the coffee table.  
  
Tears swam in her eyes once more. The feeling was overwhelming. She could practically see her father sitting on the couch, his feet perched on the coffee table.  
  
Raven noticed the look on Clarke's face after she'd looked around for a few minutes. She closed the distance between them with a few steps and silently pulled Clarke into a hug. That was another thing she loved about her friend. She always seemed to know when Clarke was hurting, when she needed to be held.  
  
Clarke let a few tears slip down her face as they hugged.  
  
"I know this must be hard for you, Clarke. I know. You don't have to pretend like this place doesn't make you sad."  
  
Clarke nodded. "I know...I guess I had just forgotten what it felt like..being in this place. And it doesn't make me sad because he's gone...I've come to terms with that. I know he's not coming back but...in Chicago everything was new but here...everything just screams 'I was here', you know?"  
  
"I know. Are you sure you can handle being here? I mean...this is all his stuff."  
  
"I can. I can handle it. It makes me homesick, for him, but it also makes me happy. It makes me feel safe."  
  
They finally let go of one another and Clarke showed Raven the rest of the house. She takes her into the small kitchen, then down the hall to show her where the (only) bathroom is. She takes her into her dad’s room next. Much like the living room, her father’s room screams of his presence.  
  
"I think...I mean, tomorrow, we should clear this room out. You can sleep here tonight, or join me in my room but tomorrow let’s clear it out."  
  
"Are you sure? I mean...it's his room."  
  
"No Raven. I'm sure. The dead don't need rooms. The living do. So tomorrow let’s pack all this stuff up. I'll put it in the garage. Tomorrow, it'll be your room" Clarke says, and smiles at her friend. Hopefully convincing her that she really was okay with it.  
  
"Okay, well, I can sleep with you tonight" Raven says.  
  
Clarke took Raven to her room. It looks exactly like she'd left it. No surprise there.  
  
"Woah! Clarke! Oh my god. This is amazing! Your dad let you do this?" Rave exclaimed, looking at the wall farthest from the door.  
  
Clarke's dad let her paint her walls. At first she just settled for white because she couldn't really decide on a color. When her dad told her it didn't have to be just one color, Clarke had finally decided on what she wanted to paint. The wall Raven was now studying was painted (from top to bottom) as a replica of The Starry Night by Vincent Van Gogh. Her dad helped her paint it. The other three walls were painted the same blue, with little yellow stars clustered at different positions all around.  
  
"Yeah, he actually helped me" Clarke told her.  
  
"Wow. It's amazing. I know I already said that but...just wow."  
  
Clarke chuckled. "Thanks Raven. Maybe we can paint your room too? If you want that is."  
  
Raven whipped around. "Oh my god, yes, Clarke, yes! I would love that...but what should I do? I mean, which painting?"  
  
"Well it doesn't necessarily have to be a painting. It can be whatever you want it to be. It is your room after all."  
  
Raven smiled at her before turning back around to look at the walls.  
  
"But can we please decide tomorrow, or whenever, that isn't tonight? I'm about five seconds away from passing out."  
  
"No shit. Let's go to bed."  
  
Clarke found herself a pair of old stretchy sweatpants and a big t-shirt. She grabbed something similar for Raven. While Clarke was sure that Raven could fit Clarke's 18-year-old clothes, she was less hopeful for herself. She'd become a little curvier in the past 8 years, gained a little weight. But the old sweat pants and t-shirt still hung on her comfortably. She'd always loved clothes that were a little big when she was at home.  
  
She changed in the bathroom, and after washing her face she made her way back to her room a little lazily. Raven was already under the covers by the time Clarke made it back. She turned the lights off and crawled in.  
  
"Hey Raven?"  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"I know I've already said this but..thank you. I...I'm so glad you're here with me. I'm glad I'm not alone."  
  
"S'okay Clarke. What are friends for?"  
  
"Goodnight Raven"  
  
"Goodnight Clarke"  
  
She shifted until she was comfortable. The last thought she had before she drifted off to sleep was that she was so glad she'd come home. She couldn't remember why she didn't come back sooner.

* * *

When Clarke woke up the next morning, she was alone. She got up and went to search for Raven. She found her in the kitchen.  
  
"There's no food. No coffee." Raven groaned.  
  
"Well...we did get here at 1 am. What'd you expect? I think I have a bag of M&M's in my purse?" Clarke suggested.  
  
"Thanks but no thanks, Griffin. I need something a little more substantial. Some real food." Raven said.  
  
"Okay well...let’s get dressed and go grocery shopping? Or maybe to a diner or something?"  
  
"Diner first. We can go shopping afterwards."  
  
"Okay well, I really need a shower."  
  
About an hour later, when they were both clean and dressed properly, they got into Clarke's car.  
  
"Ugh I can't believe I'm back in this thing already. It hasn't even been 24 hours!" Raven said.  
  
"Well, do you want to walk? Maybe carry all of our groceries home?"  
  
Raven gave her a look.  
  
"That's what I thought." Clarke smiled.  
  
She had felt peaceful last night. But now, with the sun well into the sky, she started feeling nervous again. She was bound to run into someone eventually. She could only hope that she wouldn't be recognized (yeah right)...scratch that. She hoped that whoever recognized her would be civil, or just ignore her.  
They made their way to a Waffle House about 15 minutes away. They walked in and sat down in a booth. The place was half-full. It was almost 11 am.  
  
A young waitress (one Clarke didn't recognize, thank god) came to their booth and took their orders. She was too cheerful, in that waitress-y way. And she obviously didn't recognize either of them, so she made a little chit-chat but nothing too uncomfortable. She probably figured they were just passing through.  
  
Clarke basically inhaled her waffles. She was finished by the time Raven was only half-way done with her meal. Clarke grabbed her mug of coffee and took a long sip while she surveyed their surroundings. From what she could tell, there were a few elderly couples and a few younger families. No one their age. _Good._  
  
"So what are you gonna say when people ask why you came back? Because you know they will, right?" Raven asked.  
  
"Yeah...they'll ask...um, but I'm not really sure what I'm going to say. I guess I could say something cheesy like 'I just missed this place' to my acquaintances but...as for my friends..or well, the people who actually used to know me, I have no idea."  
  
"Well, is there anyone who you actually want to see?"  
  
Clarke thought about that for a second. Of course. Of course there were people she actually wanted to see. She thought of Monty. Of Jasper. Of Maya, Harper, Monroe. She thought of Miller. She thought of Bellamy and her heart rate sped up.  
  
"Yeah, yeah there are people I want to see. But. I don't know if they actually want to see me." She looked down at her hands. They were starting to tremble at the thought of seeing them. Seeing him. The coffee wasn't exactly helping.  
  
"You think they'll be mad? What about that one guy...you know...the one you told me about?"  
  
Clarke sighed. "I really don't know. I don't know if any of them are still here. And if they are...I can't really see any of them being happy to see me. I'm the one that left. I'm the one that never bothered to call, or visit, or anything really."  
  
"Why is that? If you don't mind me asking? I mean, I know why you left but you never really explained why you never made any contact with any of them?"  
  
"I don't know. I guess I just thought, at the time, that I needed a clean slate. That I needed to leave my old life, and by that extension, the people in it if I wanted to be someone new...but by the time I realized how messed up that was, it was too late. I didn't really have the courage to reach out...to any of them. I just figured they'd moved on so I should too."  
  
"Yikes. Well hopefully we can avoid that for a little while. Get settled first then cross that bridge? Besides, they're your friends. Well, they were, 8 years ago. So maybe they'll be accepting?"  
  
"I'm not really sure Rae. I just know that I'm fucking nervous. I...I think I hurt a few of them. Leaving like I did."  
  
Raven studies her. "That guy?"  
  
"Yeah"  
  
"Well I guess we'll find out eventually. And besides, you know I'll have your back. And if anyone's too rude...I'll just give them that Raven Glare. You know that always works."  
  
Clarke laughs. How did she get so lucky? How did one of the worst things that's happened to her lead her to Raven?

* * *

Afterwards, they made their way to the grocery store a few streets away from the diner. Clarke parked and looked outside. Nothing had changed. Everything looked exactly the same. The only thing that was different was her.  
  
They got out and went inside the store. Raven grabbed a cart and they made their way around, picking up food as they went. The house was missing a few things, so they got those as well; shampoo, conditioner, toilet paper and other necessities. The cashier, an elderly woman Clarke recognized but couldn't name, checked them out.  
  
"Good morning ladies. Find everything you were looking for?"  
  
"Yes, thank you" Clarke answered.  
  
"You ladies new to town? You look kind of familiar" she said, looking at Clarke.  
  
"Um, not exactly, I used to live here. But my friend here is new to town"  
  
"Well, in that case, welcome back. What's your name?"  
  
"Clarke Griffin"  
  
"Griffin? As in Jake and Abby's daughter?"  
  
"Yep. That's me."  
  
"Wow Clarke, you've really grown up! I remember you coming in here with your father"  
  
Clarke tried to smile, mumbled "yeah" while hoping that the lady would just hurry up.  
  
"I'm sorry...for your loss. I don't know if I ever told you that. Your dad was a good man"  
  
"Thanks. Um, how much do I owe you?"  
  
"65.73" They'd gotten a lot of stuff. The cart was full.  
  
Raven came up to stand next to Clarke.

"Let me get half of that" she said.  
  
"No Raven. I got it this time. It's the least I could do"  
  
"Suit yourself"  
  
Clarke paid and waved goodbye. They put the groceries in the trunk and made their way home.  
  
"So that wasn't too bad" Raven said.  
  
"No. I guess I should get used to it. But honestly...I just can't wait for everyone to finally accept that I'm back and stop asking me questions. That was nothing compared to what I'll probably get."  
  
"Yeah well...can't get there without going through the shitty part first" Raven said.  
  
"Yup."  
  
They got home and unloaded their groceries. Filled the fridge and the cabinets with food, the bathroom with the things they'd gotten.  
  
Afterwards Clarke craved coffee so she went into the kitchen only to realize they didn't have a coffee maker.  
  
"Ugh. We need to get a coffee maker ASAP" she said, as she sat down on the old couch next to Raven.  
  
"Yeah, and cable and internet?"  
  
"That too...but its Sunday. So we'll have to wait until tomorrow for that"  
  
"Well do you want to go shopping? Get a coffee maker and other things?"  
  
"I don't know Raven...I kind of just want to sit around the house. Maybe clean a little? Unless you want to?"  
  
"No, it can wait. I'm down for a day inside"  
  
They decided to get up and start cleaning. After a few hours, Clarke was pleased with their progress. They'd dusted and vacuumed, they opened the windows and washed them. They wiped down the kitchen and the floors. She sat back down on the couch and Raven joined her. They decided to make dinner. Since Clarke wasn't a good cook (she wasn't ashamed to admit it), she set the table and went to clean the bathroom while Raven cooked dinner. Clarke took another shower (cleaning was sweaty work) and dressed in a pair of leggings and another loose shirt. She got the bottle of wine out of the freezer and found two wine glasses. She filled them both to the brim.  
  
They ate dinner and drank their wine. Raven was a good cook. She could only do a few dishes, but still. They were tasty.  
  
"So have you thought about job options?" Clarke asked Raven after complimenting her on the food.  
  
"Not really. I mean, I just figured I'd go to a garage or something and tell them about how awesome I was. You guys do have a garage here, right?"  
  
Clarke rolled her eyes. "Of course we have a garage! It's actually pretty popular. Well, it was when I left. It's pretty big. Big enough that people from surrounding towns, even the city, come down to get their cars fixed or whatever"  
  
"Well that’s great! Do you know the owner?" Raven said, taking another sip of her wine.  
  
"Yeah. I do actually" Clarke looked down. Took another bite of the chicken-alfredo Raven made. "I guess we could go in together and I can introduce you?"  
  
"Yeah that'd be awesome. Hopefully they're hiring."  
  
"Well...even if they aren't, I'm sure they'll hire you. Who would pass up on an 'awesome' mechanic?"  
  
"Very funny Clarke"  
  
"I know" Clarke smiled.

They ate in silence for the next few minutes while Clarke thought about the garage. It was true...she did know the owner. Marcus Kane. He'd always been kind to her, her father. But the last time she saw Kane, he was in a new relationship with Aurora Blake. She shuttered. She wasn't sure if they were still together, but, they might be. She wasn't ready to face Aurora yet.  
  
"What about you? “Raven asked, pulling Clarke back to reality.  
  
"I don't know. I guess I just figured I'd go to the hospital and ask for a job. Pretty much every hospital could always use another doctor"  
  
"Is that what you really want to do? Or is that you settling?"  
  
"I don't know Rae. I don't know if I even want to be a doctor anymore. Resident, technically. But I think it's for the best. Right now. That way I can have some form of income while I actually decide if that's what I want to do."  
  
"Well, that's a good way of looking at it. But I hope it won't be like it was in Chicago. I mean, sometimes you'd be away for days? Sleeping at the hospital?"  
  
Clarke laughs. "Well, I don't think that'll be an issue here. Small town, remember?"  
  
They finish their dinner and their wine. Clarke washed the dishes (as a thanks for dinner) and afterwards they settle on the couch, with more wine in their glasses. They talk a bit about Chicago, and call the (few) friends they made to let them know how things were going.  
  
"So do you want to start clearing your room?" Clarke asks Raven.  
  
"Yeah! We could get a lot done before we head to bed but...we don't have any boxes?"  
  
"Shit. I knew we forgot something" Clarke sighs.  
  
"I guess we can get those tomorrow when we go shopping?"  
  
"Yeah, but for right now, we could clear the big stuff? You know like, the stuff that won't fit in boxes anyway?"  
  
"I'm game" Raven says, and they get up and go to work.  
  
They take the paintings off of the walls and take them to the garage. They start sorting the items so that the can put them in boxes the next day; giving them an idea of how many they'll need. Occasionally Clarke will come across something she wants to keep for herself, like her dads old copies of Harry Potter (they both loved those books) and his old watch. Clarke decides that they should donate some of the stuff to the closest Goodwill.  
  
"Are you sure?" Raven asks.  
  
"Yeah" Clarke smiles, "I mean, if I don't it would just be in the garage collecting dust. But this way, at least someone can get some use out this stuff? I know my dad would want me to do that"  
  
Raven smiles at her and gets back to sorting. Something about being home makes it easier to talk about him. And packing some of this stuff up, donating it, making room for Raven fills her with joy. Her father was gone but his memory was everywhere. She didn't need to keep his clothes, his shoes, to remember him. She always would.  
  
After a few hours they decide to call it quits. They go to bed early, a little tired from all the cleaning and moving they did.  
  
"Hey, are you asleep?" Raven asks.  
  
"Yes" Clarke answers.  
  
"Very funny. Anyway, I think I know what I want to do with my room."  
  
"Yeah? What do you have in mind?"  
  
"Outer space."  
  
"Outer space?"  
  
"Outer space."

* * *

The next morning, Clarke makes a list of things they need to do while Raven makes them breakfast. Something about making a list makes her feel good. _Wow. I'm happy about making a list?_ She thought. _Well, they do say it's the little things in life!  
_  
After they eat, Clarke quickly clears the table and does the dishes while Raven gets ready. As usual, Raven looks amazing. Simple, in a red tank top and black pants that stick to her long, toned legs. Her hair is up in it's usually pony tail and she's got on lipstick that's precisely the shade of her shirt.  
  
"How can you do that? It's not fair." Clarke says, looking at Raven.  
  
"Do what?"  
  
"Get ready in like 10 minutes? Put on a basic outfit and look amazing?"  
  
"Basic? Thanks. Haha. Kidding. I can't help it."  
  
"Obviously"  
  
Clarke goes to her closet and ponders. She wants to look nice. She will probably not be as lucky as she was yesterday. Chances are, today she'll actually run into someone who knows her.  
  
"What's up? You're just standing there, I thought we were leaving?"  
  
"We are. I just...I don't know what to wear. I'll probably run into people I know today, especially since we're going to the garage...so I want to look decent. I don't want anyone to think I let myself go..."  
  
"Hm. Well how about this?" Raven holds up a pink dress.  
  
"Raven.....I want to look casual but nice. I don't want to look so nice that it's obvious that I'm trying? I want to look cute but casual...like you"  
  
"Okay jeez" Raven says as they both look through Clarke's suitcase. She hasn't fully unpacked yet.  
  
"Okay so how about his?" Raven holds up a pretty blue tank top.

It had thick straps and it was tight up top (did good things for her boobs) and flowy from there. Clarke put it on and Raven handed her a pair of nice jeans. Clarke went and put on some mascara, a little champagne colored eyeshadow and let her hair out of its braid. She looked in the mirror. With her hair long and blonde, her makeup and the blue shirt, she looked cute. Cute but casual.  
  
They went to one of the many family-owned stores, Meca, because Clarke remembered they had carried appliances. She knew the owners and she recognized a few customers but luckily no one approached her. They picked up a coffee maker, a toaster, some new sheets for each of them and a comforter for Raven. They got a Blu-ray player (they needed those Netflix binges) and a new lamp for Raven's room.  
  
Afterwards they made their way to the garage. Clarke's nerves were at an all-time high. She gripped the steering wheel so hard her knuckles were turning extra-white.  
  
"Are you that nervous?" Raven asked, glancing at Clarke's death grip on the steering wheel.  
  
"Is it that obvious?"  
  
"To me, yeah"  
  
"Yeah, I'm a little nervous. The garage is next to this bar slash restaurant, Kane owns both, and uh, well it was kind of a 'hangout spot' for a lot of us. So I'm worried about who I'll run into."  
  
"Is this about your friends? Or that guy? Who by the way, I don't even know the name of?"  
  
"It's not important. I mean...he probably won't even be there. He might have left this place." Clarke wasn't sure who she was trying to convince, Raven or herself. He was still here. She just knew it.  
  
"Clarke, if it makes you that nervous, I could go in by myself? You know I have no problem with that?"  
  
"No, I don't want to do that to you. Besides...I'll have to face him...face them, eventually"  
  
"Okay, well, if you're sure"  
  
They pulled into the parking lot and Clarke glanced around quickly. It was different.  
  
The first thing she noticed was that it was _bigger_. They had expanded. The garage was practically twice as big as it used to be. The bar/restaurant combo was right next to the garage, it also looked a little different. A lot nicer, from what she could tell from outside of the car. But the biggest difference was the huge yellow-lettered sign that hung on the garage building, about a quarter from the top. It said _Kane-Blake Automotive_. Shit. It used to be just _Kane Automotive._  
  
Clarke actually felt nauseous. She could already feel the sweat coating her palms, gathering at the base of her neck. Her heart hammered in her chest. Raven was looking at her from the passenger side, studying Clarke's face to see her reaction. _Control yourself, Clarke. It's just a sign,_ Clarke thought to herself. She looked over and gave Raven a tight-lipped smile, trying to give her what she hoped was an _I'm okay_ smile.  
  
"Clarke. Look. We both know you don't want to do this. I have no problem going in there by myself. You know that. Why don't you just wait in the car?"  
  
"Raven...I have to face them eventually? And I already told you I would do this"  
  
"No, Clarke. I mean, yeah you do have to face them eventually but it doesn't have to be today. It can be on your terms. In fact, I'm asking you as your friend to please stay in the car. You having a panic attack while I'm trying to secure a job is the last thing I want"  
  
And before Clarke could even respond Raven was out the door. Walking right into the garage and speaking to the first person she saw. Clarke watched her from the car. A little jealously, if she was gonna be honest with herself. She admired Raven. The way she could basically face anyone at any time about anything.

Meanwhile, Clarke was sitting in her car, watching her best friend charm anyone within hearing distance. Raven was taken to the office, where she was probably talking to Kane. _He's probably making her a job offer right now,_ Clarke thought. She loved Raven but something petty inside of Clarke made her resent her friend in that moment. But she quickly banished that thought and settled on something she'd thought quite often: _Coward._  
  
_I can't believe I'm here, hiding in my car._ But she just couldn't bring herself to open the door and get out. Her hand was on the handle; all she had to do was pull. But she couldn't. However, she'd be lying if she said she wasn't relieved. _Oh well. I'm a coward. And I don't care. I will face them. All of them. But I want to have a few glasses of wine before I do. Or a fifth of vodka._  
  
She stayed in the car and looked around. She saw a few people here and there but not clearly enough to tell if it was anyone she knew. The place looked nice. They must have really picked up. The thought made Clarke smile. Though her father's place was her home, this place was in almost all of her best memories. It was more than just a hang-out spot for her group of friends. It had this homey feel to it; like she was with her family when she sat at the bar, or one of the tables, or in one of the booths with her friends. They came there a couple of times a week, and almost every single Friday/Saturday night. It was where she took her first sip of alcohol. Where she'd tried her first cigarette. Where she technically got her first boyfriend. A lot of memories.  
  
Suddenly she had the urge to get out and go into the bar. To see if it still looked the same. Did the same items hang on the walls? Were the booths and stools still red? Was their booth still there? The one she and her friends almost always claimed as their own? Were her initials still in the bottom left corner (where she always sat) of the wooden table where _they_ always sat? Or was the inside as different as the outside? She wasn't sure how that made her feel, but she pushed the urge to get out of the car down, and stayed where she was.  
  
She waited for a little over 10 minutes before she saw Raven making her way out of the garage. The confidence in her strut and the smile on her face told Clarke how it had went even before she got the chance to ask. As Raven made her way to the passenger side, Clarke smiled at her and looked back at the garage.  
  
She scanned the area one last time before her eyes landed on a pair of eyes that were already watching her. The look in those eyes told her that she'd been seen. She'd been caught. Clarke couldn't will herself to look away, even though the blood in her veins had turned to ice.  
  
Embarrassed, Clarke looked down and quickly got out of the parking spot and made her way out of the area. She tried (really, she did) not to look in the rear-view mirror but she couldn't help herself. So she looked. And she saw what she'd been expecting to see.  
  
Aurora Blake starring daggers at her. _If looks could kill._

* * *

 

"So I take it that it went well?" Clarke asked.  
  
"Yes!" Raven exclaimed, smiling. "I talked to the owner, Marcus? And he was totally amazing. He only asked me a few questions and I told him about my experience in Chicago. I told him I had a resume that I could bring him but he said I didn't have to. He said they closed early tonight, at 6, and that I could come by the bar and bring him my paperwork and talk about a possible offer!"  
  
Clarke smiled. She wasn't surprised. "I'm glad Raven. So are you gonna go?"  
  
"Well duh. Do you want to come with? It probably won't take more than an hour or two but you could hang out at the bar?"  
  
"I don't know if I'm ready. Did...do they know you came here with me? Did they ask?"  
  
"No, he didn't ask. But I told him anyway. I didn't say I was here with you. I said that I just moved to town and that he'd be stupid not to hire me."  
  
"You actually said that?"  
  
"Well...not those words exactly but I think he got the message" Raven said, smirking.  
  
Clarke laughed. "Well it's true. They would be stupid not to hire you. You're the best mechanic I know."  
  
"I'm the only mechanic you know"  
  
"Hey! That's not true"  
  
Raven laughed. "So where to next? The hospital? We need to eat. I'm starving. Oh, and we forgot the boxes...again"  
  
"Shit! Where is my mind?" Clarke asked.  
  
"I have a few ideas" Raven said but then quickly added "No matter. Why don't we stop by the hospital first? Then go back to that store and ask for a few boxes? Take them home and eat. Then I can just take your car and go to the garage myself? We can start packing when I get back".  
  
And so they did.  
  
Raven stayed in the car while Clarke went inside the hospital, asking the receptionist at the front desk if she could talk to someone in Human Resources. She made her way to the HR office and talked to a woman she didn't recognize. Becca was her name. She asked Clarke a few questions in an impromptu interview fashion. And she seemed satisfied enough with Clarke's answers and resume to discuss employment options on the spot. She was impressed with Clarke's credentials. They needed another doctor in the Critical Care Unit and Clarke was qualified for the position. She gave her the basic paperwork and told Clarke to look over it and contact her in 48 hours if she wanted to accept the offer. Clarke knew she was going to take the position, but she still told Becca she would get back to her.  
  
She made her way out of the hospital and into the garage. She liked Becca. And she knew the hospital well enough.  
  
Next they made their way back to Meca and asked for some boxes. A cashier went into the stockroom and came back with a variety of different sized boxes. She helped her and Raven load the boxes into Clarke’s car and they were home a little after 4 pm.  
  
Raven made them sandwiches while Clarke looked over the paperwork Becca had given her. She decided she would call her the day after tomorrow.

After they ate Raven left for the garage and Clarke was left to her own devices. She wondered if she should have went along with Raven. They might have let her off easy during her interview, but she was sure that she would be questioned more thoroughly tonight. And what if Raven told them that she was here? Then they would all know she was back, and worse, that she was too scared to face them. Clarke groaned. Hopefully Raven would keep that piece of information to herself. She knew Clarke wasn't ready.

But then she remembered that Aurora had seen Raven get into Clarke's car. She knew Clarke was here. She probably told Kane, and by that extension, everyone who worked there. _Fuck my life_. She couldn't get the way Aurora had looked at her out of her mind. Cold. Angry. _Calm down Clarke. You are a free woman. This is a free country. Aurora Blake doesn't own this town. This is your home. You are allowed to be here.  
_  
She tried to calm herself down. She hooked the Blu-ray player up to the tv and logged in to Netflix. She had set up their internet this morning. She browsed a little before deciding to continue her (third) re-watch of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She got herself some wine and a couple of mini KitKats before settling in on the couch, wrapping herself in a thin blanket. She tried to forget about the garage, about Aurora Blake's unforgiving glare. 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unlike the Jax/Tara story, I'm pretty sure this will (eventually) end on a good note. I have a lot of the story done and I'm telling the story I want to tell, but I'm always willing to add/fix certain things so let me know what ya think :)
> 
> This was a light chapter, but there are some dark times ahead. I will try to post any triggers that chapters may contain at the beginning.
> 
> Work title and Chapter 1 title inspired by "Day Is Gone" by Noah Gundersen. Take a listen for some feels <3
> 
> Any and all mistakes are my own. Visit me on Tumblr! http://and-so-we-meet-again.tumblr.com/


	2. Help me now, hold me down (I feel my world is tumbling)

She must have fallen asleep at some point because the next thing she knew Raven was slamming the door. Clarke picked her cell phone up and looked at the time. 10:49 pm. She was glad she stayed home. Raven's 'interview' or whatever obviously took longer than she had anticipated.  
  
"Hey! How'd it go?" Clarke asked, sitting up to make room for Raven on the couch.  
  
"It was amazing Clarke! Seriously. Not only do I have a job to go to tomorrow, I actually bonded with my co-workers. And Kane? That guy is going to be the coolest boss I've ever had. I can already tell" Raven said, joining Clarke on the couch.  
  
Clarke smiled at her friend. She was happy for her. "That's great Rae! Did you have fun?"  
  
"Oh yes. First I just kind of talked to Kane about the basics, scheduling, pay and insurance and what not? And after all of that was done we went to the bar and almost all of the employees were there and they paid for my beers and ordered me a burger. It was delicious, by the way. And afterwards we all just sat around, drank and played pool. They've got some amazing people there"  
  
"I'm so glad Raven. I'm glad you had fun. And that you got the job, obviously."  
  
"Me too. Like, it took me forever to actually make the three friends I had back in Chicago and they weren't nearly as cool as some of the people I met tonight."  
  
"Anyone in particular?"  
  
"Yeah, there were these two dudes, best friends or something? Jasper and...Manty or Monty or something? They were hilarious!"  
  
Clarke got nervous. Jasper and Monty. So they were still here. And they worked for Kane apparently.  
  
"Do you know them?" Raven asked.  
  
"Uh, yeah, they were...they were pretty much my best friends, you know, before"  
  
"Wow..um...well, I didn't mention you. But for what it's worth, they don't seem like the type of guys who wouldn't take you back?"  
  
"I know. I know. I just need to bite the bullet I guess? So, no one knows I'm here?"  
  
"Nope. I didn't tell anyone and no one really asked. I said I moved here with my roommate but I didn't say you used to live here so I guess they just assumed we're both new here. And no one said anything about you so I don't think any of them have seen you?"  
  
Clarke felt relieved. It was stupid. They were bound to find out eventually. But at least she still had one more night of peace. She was surprised Aurora hadn't said anything. There was no doubt in her mind that Aurora recognized her, but maybe she was just hoping that Clarke was passing through? That she'd disappear before anyone even knew she had made her way back here?  
  
"There's something else..." Raven said elusively.  
  
"What?" Clarke asked. She knew that face. She was about to hear some juicy gossip.  
  
"I kind of hooked up with someone?"  
  
"WHAT??" Clarke exclaimed, "DETAILS!!! WHO WHAT WHERE WHEN?"  
  
"Calm down! It's not that big of deal! It was totally casual." Raven said.  
  
Despite what she said, Clarke knew it was a big deal. The whole Finn fiasco hurt Raven. Almost as much as it hurt Clarke. Maybe even more. Yeah, Finn ruined Clarke's life but he was Raven's entire life. That's how she ended up in Chicago. That's how she ended up here, in Arkadia. With Clarke.  
  
"Okay so this guy came in after we were well into drinking and he made some casual conversation with me? Not really interested but you know, small town and all. Anyway, I told him about how I was new here and somehow we got onto the topic of why I'd come in the first place. I ended up talking about Finn and...I don't know, I guess that really pissed me off? I was practically screaming about him, calling Finn an asshole and explaining the whole 'cheating on me despite the fact that we've been together since we were 13 and I moved halfway across the country to be with you' thing. And the next thing I know, we were in the garage having hate sex on one of the cars. It was so hot. And afterwards it wasn't awkward at all like we just went back and joined everyone? Drank and played some pool? Made stupid conversation?"  
  
Wow. Clarke had her fair share of one-night-stands, but Raven? She never had one. Then again, she was in a relationship for most of her life so she never really had the opportunity. Clarke was giddy and she couldn't stop herself from laughing as Raven went into a little more detail about the sex.  
  
"I just...honestly like I just feel so free? You know? I mean I've never been with anyone other than Finn. I'm so glad I got it out of the way. But I don't think it'll happen again. At least not with him. Kane's the boss but this guy is like his second in command or whatever? Our supervisor? So I doubt it'll happen again. But I'm totally fine with that. Which is weird. But we were both so casual so he probably thought it was just another one time hookup, you know?"  
  
"Yeah well I'm glad you got it out of your system. I'm sure you feel much better" Clarke said.  
  
"I do! I really do. It was such an amazing night" Raven sighed. "I feel like a new woman. Like I'm not the same Raven I was back in Chicago. I'm a new, improved single Raven who can make friends easily and hook up with random dudes".  
  
Clarke laughed. "So what's his name?"  
  
Raven thought for a minute, "Shit...would you judge me if I said that I couldn't remember his name?"  
  
Clarke laughed even harder, "No Raven, not at all. No shame in your game, right?"  
  
"Right" Raven said. "He was a little older, maybe like late twenties or thirty? He was literally tall, dark and handsome!" Raven laughed. "Maybe you know him? He's tan? Maybe of a mixed race? He had curly black hair and dark eyes. Oh! He had the cutest freckles and his left arm was practically covered in tattoos?"  
  
Clarke's smile dropped from her face. Her stomach suddenly felt like it had dropped into her ass and her heart felt like someone had reached through her rib cage and squeezed it.  
  
He didn't have tattoos on his arm back then. But she knew who Raven was talking about. She opened her mouth to say something but her brain couldn't force her mouth to form words.  
  
Raven looked at her expectedly.  
  
"B-Bellamy?"  
  
"Yes! That's his name. Bellamy," Raven said. "Do you know him?"

* * *

 

Bellamy opened his fifth beer of the night and sat down on one of the stools around the bar. His friends were still huddled around the pool table, watching to see if Lincoln or Anya would win this match.  
  
He took a long sip and felt someone sit down next to him.  
  
"So, how was your trip?" Octavia asked.  
  
He had been gone for two days; meeting up with someone looking to do business with Kane.  
  
"Fine. Boring really" he answered. "Anything interesting happen while I was gone?"  
  
Octavia gave him a look, like _are you really asking me that?_ "What?" he asked her.  
  
"Please...like you don't already know, considering the fact that you're sitting here at the bar alone, probably on your twelfth beer" Octavia said.  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"Bellamy stop it. I can read you like a damn book, I know you know."  
  
"Know what? What the hell are you even talking about?"  
  
"I saw you talking to that chick? Raven? And you talked to mom when you came in so I'm sure she filled you in. You don't have to pretend, Bellamy"  
  
He shook his head. What the hell was she going on about? Yeah, he talked to his mom and Kane when he got here. But the only thing they talked about was Abel, and the fact that Kane had hired a new mechanic. Nothing interesting.  
  
"So, what? Did you hook up with Raven to spite her? Because I'm the last person to defend her but that's a little low? Even for you?"  
  
"O, I literally have no fucking idea what you're talking about? Spite who? Defend who? What are you even talking about?" He said. Despite the fact that he was tired as hell, he was pretty sure there wasn't anything that he missed since he got here.  
  
"Clarke?"  
  
"What?" His mouth suddenly felt dry.  
  
The look on his face must have finally convinced Octavia that he really had no idea what she was talking about.  
  
"Shit...Bellamy...I, I thought you knew?"  
  
"Knew what exactly?"  
  
"That chick...Raven? She just moved here with...with Clarke. Mom saw her getting into Clarke's car today"  
  
_What. The. Fuck._

* * *

 

Raven was still looking at her. Her face had turned from relaxed to tense in a matter of seconds.  
  
"What? What is it Clarke? Do you know him?"  
  
"Yeah, Raven. Yeah, I know him."  
  
Clarke still felt like her heart was being squeezed. And the more she thought about it, the worse she felt. Her chest felt like someone was sitting on it.  
Raven could tell that something was wrong. The look on Clarke's face made it seem like she was in physical pain.  
  
"You had sex with Bellamy?"  
  
"Clarke...who is this guy?"  
  
Before she could do something stupid, like cry, Clarke got up from the couch and walked to the kitchen. Raven called after her, but Clarke couldn't answer. She grabbed the edges of the sink, willing herself to calm down. Willing herself not to cry. _What the fuck just happened?_  
  
Raven came into the kitchen. "Clarke...you're really freaking me out right now. I don't understand. Who is this guy?"  
  
"He's  _the_ guy Raven! The one I told you about!" Clarke said, rather roughly.  
  
The realization of what had happened was washing over Raven. Clarke turned to face her and saw the blood draining from her face. Her usually tan face suddenly seemed to go very pale.  
  
"Clarke..."  
  
Clarke just looked at her. She couldn't understand how this could happen. No one even knew she was here! Of course this awkward situation would present itself on her second day home. She hadn't even unpacked!  
  
"Clarke I...I'm so sorry! I had no idea! I swear. You know I would never do that. I would never do that to you" Raven exclaimed. She looked like she was going to cry.  
  
The look on her face made Clarke forget about how she was feeling. She needed to talk to Raven, console her.  
  
"Hey, hey, Raven I know. I know you would never do that. I'm not mad at you, I swear, I'm just...surprised is all"  
  
Raven seemed to calm down a little. But then, she suddenly started yelling at Clarke. "You should have told me his name! I asked you and you didn't tell me! This whole situation could have been avoided if you wouldn't have been so elusive!" Raven practically screamed at her.  
  
"How was I supposed to know?! How the hell was I supposed to know that he would be there? Or that you would even meet him?!" Clarke screamed back.  
  
They both turned away from each other. Clarke back to facing the sink. Raven facing in the direction of the living room.  
  
After a few minutes she heard Raven practically whisper, "Clarke. I’m so sorry"  
  
Clarke turned back around and closed the distance between them. She pulled Raven into a hug. "Raven, stop. You didn't know. You couldn't have known. It could have been anyone." Clarke said.  
  
"I know...I just feel like a shitty friend. I can't believe this is happening to us. What are the fucking chances?"  
  
"Yeah....It's like some cruel cosmic joke. Of course this would happen to me. Of course this would happen to us. Again." Clarke sighed.  
  
Raven let out a little laugh.

Clarke pulled away and looked at her friend. Then she started laughing. Before they knew it, they were both clutching their stomachs, doubling over from laughter.  
  
After a few minutes, they calmed down.  
  
"I guess we shouldn't be surprised...but for what it's worth, he didn't know who I was" Raven said.  
  
"Yeah...just..an unfortunate coincidence I suppose" Clarke said. "Besides...when all that stuff happened, we were just dumb kids. I'm sure he's moved on. And I mean, so have I. So really, it's not that big of a deal."  
  
"Clarke...it's okay to be upset. He was part of your life."  
  
"Yeah, he was. But we're practically strangers now. It's been 8 years. I don't know him anymore. And he doesn't know me."  
  
They decided to go to bed. Since Raven came back later than they expected, they decided to put off clearing Raven's room yet again. And since tomorrow would be Raven's first official day, she didn't want to be up all night. Raven went to take a shower while Clarke got ready for bed. She laid down and tried not to think about how annoyingly cruel life could be. She knew this would have never happened if she hadn't come back. Or if she had just told Raven his name. But she didn't. So. _Whatever,_  Clarke thought. Raven was right. It was casual and it didn't mean anything, but even if it did, Clarke had no right to feel angry. She was right. They were strangers now.

* * *

The next morning Clarke woke to the sounds of Raven getting ready.  
  
"Shit. Sorry if I woke you" Raven said.  
  
Clarke yawned. "No it's totally fine. I feel pretty rested. Excited for your first day?"  
  
"Yeah, I am actually" Raven smiled. "Do you mind dropping me off? Or if you don't plan on leaving I could take the car? Jesus, I really need to get one. This is gonna be hard when you start working"  
  
"I can drop you off. I don't plan on going anywhere but I better take you, just in case" Clarke said as she got up and made her way to the bathroom. She changed out of her pajamas and went into the kitchen where Raven was packing herself some lunch. Clarke sat down at the table as Raven placed a mug of coffee before her. "Thanks. So what's your schedule like?"  
  
"9am-4pm, sometimes 5, Monday-Friday. Kane said I could pick up shifts on the weekend if I wanted them, so that's good."  
  
"Okay well, I'll drop you off and then why don't you just text me when you get off?" Clarke suggested.  
  
"Yeah, sounds good to me. Let’s go."  
  
They made their way to the garage. It was open already so Clarke stopped long enough to let Raven out and wish her a _good first day_! before speeding off. 

Once she was home, she made her way back to the kitchen and poured herself another mug of coffee. She contemplated about what to do with her day. One thing was for sure though, she did not want to spend her day relaxing. That would give her too much time to think. She decided to start clearing Raven's room so that she could surprise her when she got home from work. She brought the boxes in from the car and started filling them up, separating the boxes she labeled "donate" from the others. After a couple of hours and good progress, she went into the kitchen and made herself some lunch. She decided to text Raven and see how things were going.  
  
_Clarke 11:37 am: Hey! How's your first day going?_  
  
_Raven 11:44 am: Hey, pretty great actually. I'm not gonna go all mechanic on you but they've got some good shit here._  
  
_Clarke 11:45 am: Haha, I appreciate that! Well good. I'm glad your day's going well._  
  
_Raven 11:49 am: Yeah me too!_  
  
_Raven 11:50 am: Oh and btw, Kane said he knew of a few cars that were for sale. He said he would get me a good deal :P_  
  
_Clarke 11:50 am: Good! I'm sure he will :P_  
  
After lunch, Clarke went back to packing. After she finished, she took the boxes she was going to keep into the garage and stacked them neatly against the walls. The garage had a few things in it but there was still a lot of space.

After that, she loaded the car with the boxes labeled "donate" and drove to the closest Goodwill she could find. She dropped them off and made her way back home. After throwing away a few things she didn't want to keep (things that couldn't be donated) she glanced around the room. The only things left were the bed, the dresser and her father’s old desk. She decided she might as well clean those and get it out of the way. After wiping the furniture down and vacuuming, the room was ready to be personalized again.

She started a load of laundry and went to take Raven's stuff into her new room. She didn't think Raven would mind if she unpacked everything for her. They practically shared everything back in Chicago so Clarke was pretty familiar with all of Ravens stuff. She didn't bring much; just clothes, shoes, some accessories, a little makeup, her laptop and a few books and movies. Clarke moved Raven's clothes into the closet and the dresser. She put her shoes in the closet as well. She placed her laptop on the desk and lined her books and movies on the shelves within the desk. Afterwards she got the new sheets and the new comforter they had picked up and made the bed. After she was finished, she glanced around the room. She was happy. It was official. This was now Raven's room.  
  
She went back into her own room and gathered some things. After all that work, she wanted to take a long bath and maybe read a little. She picked up _A Million Little Pieces_ and a fresh towel before going into the bathroom to turn the faucet on. Clarke loved to read. But she hated that she tended to re-read so much. She bought new books and planned to read them but she usually just settled for something she'd already read and enjoyed. She knew her room had to be cleaned as well. There were a lot of things that she needed to get rid of, things she no longer had any use for, but she decided to save that for another day. One room was enough.  
  
She got into the tub and began reading, getting lost in the book. Before she knew it, it was 4:15 and Raven had texted her.  
  
_Raven 4:15 pm: Hey so, I'm almost done here. You can come get me now._  
  
Clarke quickly showered and went to pick Raven up. Luckily Raven was standing on the sidewalk by the road so Clarke just pulled up and let Raven inside before leaving.  
  
"So how was it?" Clarke asked, even though Raven had already told her.  
  
"Good! Great actually. But probably for reasons that you wouldn't find interesting. You know, mechanic shit" Raven answered.  
  
Clarke laughed. "Well good. I'm glad you're enjoying all that mechanic shit"  
  
"So they actually invited me back tonight, you know, to the bar? Everyone's gonna be there so I was thinking that maybe we could go tonight? Only if you want to. We can stay at home if you don't, I really don't mind, I'll see most of them tomorrow anyway"  
  
Clarke contemplated for a few moments.  
  
"We should go"  
  
"Really? Are you sure? Because the last thing I want to do is make you uncomfortable?"  
  
"No, I mean, it'll be uncomfortable no matter where or when it happens. But...they won't know I'm coming so, do you think they'll mind? Oh my god. What if they kick me out?"  
  
"Clarke, relax. From what I can tell, most of them seem like good people. They don't really seem like the kind of people who would kick you out? And if anyone's uncomfortable, or if anyone has a problem with you being there, we can just leave"  
  
"You're right. I'm just being overdramatic. I don't actually think any of them will kick me out" Clarke says. But then she thought about the way Aurora had looked at her. "Well...scratch that. There might be a few people who won't want me there".  
  
"Well tough shit for them, because you're coming with me." _  
_

* * *

 

"Oh my god Clarke! I can't believe you did this!" Raven yelled from her room. 

She ran back to the living room and crushed Clarke in a tight embrace.  
  
"Seriously! This must have taken you forever? And you unpacked all my shit? Have I told you that you're an amazing friend? Because you are" Raven said.  
  
"Yeah, yeah, I'm the best. I know" Clarke laughed.  
  
"Seriously thank you so much, it looks great."  
  
"No problem Rae. You've done a lot for me so the least I could do was clear the room. I was thinking that maybe this weekend we could go shopping? Get you a few decorations and maybe some paint? Start that outer-space thing you were talking about?"  
  
"Yes! Clarke that sounds amazing. I'm gonna go take a shower. Thanks again."  
  
"You're welcome" Clarke smiled. She liked making Raven happy. Raven had one of those smiles that made everyone around her smile, too.  
  
While Raven showered, Clarke went into her room and looked around for something to wear tonight. Unlike the past few times, this time she was sure she was going to see at least a few of them. She wanted to look cute but casual again.

She was already nervous so she went into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of wine. She actually wanted something a little stronger, but since they only bought wine it would have to do. She went back into her room and looked through her clothes again. She settled for a nice, flowy black tank top and the same pair of jeans she wore yesterday. She decided not to do anything special with her hair. She left it in its usual style; down with a few pieces coming together to form a small knot in the back. She put on a little black eyeliner and mascara. At the last minute she grabbed her favorite necklace and put it on; a thin gold chain with an arrow forming in the middle. She looked at herself in the mirror and decided she looked good enough.  
  
Raven got ready while Clarke had a second glass of wine. (She needed it, sue her)  
  
"Do you want me to make us something to eat before we go?" Raven asked.  
  
"Nah, I'm not really hungry. And if we do get hungry we could just grab a burger there" Clarke said. Raven nodded in agreement and they made their way to the garage for the second time that day.  
  
Clarke was still nervous, but less nervous than she had been the past few days. Whether it was the wine, or the fact that she'd accepted that this had to happen, she didn't know. Or care, for that matter.  
  
They got out of the car and made their way into the bar. When they walked through the doors, Clarke noticed that it was pretty busy. And much to her horror, most of the people in the bar were suddenly looking at the two of them. A few people turned around quickly, either not knowing who they were or not caring, but most of the people there were still looking at them. Clarke hoped it was because they were new and not because they recognized her.

They slowly made their way up to the bar now that most people had the decency to look away.  
  
A man Clarke didn't know was standing behind the bar. He was tall and muscular. His skin was dark and he had tattoos on each arm and on one side of his neck.  
  
"Hey Lincoln!" Raven said. _Thank god Raven knows him._  
  
"Hey Raven" he said. He had a gentle voice and the smile on his face was genuine. It was kind. Clarke didn't know him but she wanted to. And he didn't know her, so that was a plus. "What can I get you ladies?"  
  
"A Bluemoon for me. Clarke?"  
  
She took one look around the bar and said, "Gin and tonic please". She knew she shouldn't be mixing, but she needed something a little stronger after that entrance.  
  
Lincoln set their drinks in front of them. "I don't believe we've met? I'm Lincoln, and I'm assuming you're the roommate Raven was referring to?"  
  
"Yep. That's me. I'm Clarke." They shook hands.  
  
They sipped on their drinks while Lincoln went to take other orders. No one had come up to talk to them (yet) and Clarke was grateful. She kept her eyes on her drink and Raven. Willing herself to have some self-control; to not glance around the bar in search of familiar faces.  
  
It was another 15 minutes of chitchat before someone approached them. Clarke looked beside Raven to find Monty. She couldn't read the look on his face. Suddenly she was very nervous again.  
  
"Hey" he said. His voice was deeper. He'd grown a little, but not much. He was always a little thin. But overall he looked the same.  
  
"Hey" Raven said, before looking over at Clarke.  
  
"Hey Monty" she said, and gave him a hesitant smile. The smile he gave her was pretty much the same one she had given him. Shy and hesitant.  
  
They sat in awkward silence for a few minutes before Raven spoke up. "So, Monty, Clarke is the roommate I was talking about. We came here together. She said you guys knew each other already?"  
  
"Yeah...you could say that" he said, before giving Clarke another hesitant smile.  
  
The silence returned. Each of them looking everywhere besides at one another.

"Clarke?"  
  
_Shit._ She turned around and came face to face with Jasper. "Hey Jasper" she said.  
  
"Wha- what are you doing here?" He asked. He looked shocked, like she was the last person he expected to see there. And maybe she was.  
  
"Haven't you heard? The princess has graced us with her presence" someone said, their voice coming from Clarke's left side. She turned and saw Octavia Blake looking at her. A smirk on her face. She would have thought it was playful, but the look on Octavia's face told her it was anything but that.  
  
"But when? When did you get back?" Jasper asked, still looking at Clarke.  
  
"I think the better question is why? Why are you even here?" Octavia said.  
  
Raven looked at Clarke. Clarke could tell that Raven was about two seconds away from telling Octavia to back off. But before she could, Clarke decided to speak up.  
  
"I-I got her a few days ago. With Raven. We- we moved here" Clarke said, hating herself for stuttering.  
  
"And why is that?" Octavia asked. She was never one to be ignored.  
  
"What's it to you? It's none of your fucking business" Raven spat out.  
  
Octavia finally stopped glaring at Clarke, only to glare at Raven instead. She wasn't used to people talking to her like that. But if anyone was going to step toe-to-toe with Octavia Blake, it would be Raven.  
  
"Excuse me? Who the fuck do you think you are? I don't remember asking you anything? What, the little princess can't even speak for herself now?"  
  
Raven got up. Before things could escalate any further, Clarke got up and stood between the two. "Raven, please, calm down. It's okay" she said before she turned back to Octavia. She knew Octavia probably had the right to be angry with her, but she did not have the right to talk to Raven like that. The fact that Raven was so protective of Clarke sparked a little fire inside of her. 

She looked at Octavia and said "Look Octavia. You're mad at me. I get that. But don't speak to Raven like that. Don't speak to _me_ like that. I left. Now I'm back. I don't need your permission, or anyone else's for that matter, to come home. This is my home too. I have the right to be here. And I'm sorry if that bothers you, but I'm back and I'm not going anywhere so just back off, okay?"  
  
Octavia smirked at her. "Hah! So she can speak for herself. You've got it wrong though. I'm not asking you because I care about you, I'm not even mad because frankly, I don't give a fuck about you. Not anymore" and with that, she stormed off and joined a crowd at one of the tables.  
  
"Well that went well" Monty said, looking at Clarke. And before she knew it, she was laughing. So was he. Raven and Jasper joined after a few moments. 

Once they stopped, they sat back down, Jasper joining them on Clarke's other side.  
  
"So really though...why are you back?" Jasper asked.  
  
_Here we go,_  Clarke thought. _What do I say? I can't tell them the truth? Well, the whole truth anyway.  
_  
Once again, Raven came to Clarke's rescue, "Clarke and I met in Chicago. We both hated it. Like, a lot. We wanted to move for a while but we had no idea where we could go. Where we could stay. Then Clarke mentioned that her dad had left her his house here in Arkadia. I've never been to the east coast so we decided to pack our shit and get the hell out of dodge" (Raven truly was the best best-friend a girl could ask for, her poker face was just a bonus).  
  
Monty and Jasper seemed to accept the explanation. They ordered more drinks.  
  
"So what have you been up to for the past...seven? Eight years?" Monty asked.

They were still being pretty formal with her. Speaking to her as if she was just someone they went to high school with. But she couldn't blame them. She was the one who left and the one who ignored them. Pretended like they didn't exist.  
  
"School mostly. I've pretty much done nothing other than go to class and clinical for the past eight years. I-I'm a doctor now" She said.  
  
"Really? Wow Clarke, that's great" Monty said.  
  
Before they could ask any more questions about her, she decided to ask them about what they'd been up to.  
  
Jasper and Monty took turns talking about their lives. Even though things were still slightly awkward between them, it felt like the iceberg was beginning to melt. She found herself asking them more questions, laughing at some of their answers. At some point Raven got up and went to play pool with a few of her coworkers. Clarke was feeling significantly better, no longer nervous, when another person joined them.  
  
"Clarke, this is Anya, a friend of ours. Anya, this is Clarke. She's an old friend who just moved back to town" Monty said, smiling at Clarke. His smile no longer looked hesitant.  
  
Clarke and Anya exchanged pleasantries. She was pretty, in that intimidating kind of way. Clarke excused herself after a little while to use the restroom.  
  
The bar did look different. It looked a lot better actually. Everything that hung on the walls was framed now, from drawings to newspaper articles. The red booths and stools were now black and leather. The whole place was upgraded.

It still had the same feeling to it though, everywhere Clarke looked people were drinking, eating, talking, laughing. This place never attracted certain types of people, like most of the places in Chicago did. This place attracted everyone. There were teenagers. There were middle aged people, even a few elderly people. There were young singles, families, a few kids running around here and there.  
  
There were three doors for the restrooms, where their used to be just one. Now there was a door labeled 'female', 'male' and one with both. It was one of those single bathrooms while the other two doors led to multiple stalls and sinks. When Clarke came out, she walked down the hall and saw a little boy sitting on the floor by the edge of bar. 

He looked up and smiled at her and then went back to drawing on a piece of paper. He was what Clarke judged to be about four or five. His hair was a pretty shade of brown and he had big brown eyes framed by long baby lashes.

Adorable.  
  
Clarke walked up to him and bent over, placing her hands on her knees.  
  
"That's a nice drawing" she said.  
  
The boy looked up and smiled with all his baby teeth showing "Thanks, it's for grandma"  
  
"Well that's sweet, I'm sure she'll love it" Clarke couldn't help but smile at the boy. He was just so damn cute.  
  
"What’s your name?" He asked suddenly.  
  
"My name is Clarke. What's your name?"  
  
"Abel"  
  
"Well it's nice to meet you, Abel"  
  
He smiled at her. "I can make you one" he said, looking at his drawing.  
  
"Oh, well thank you but that's okay. You don't have to."  
  
"I will"  
  
Clarke laughed.  
  
"Well, okay then, Abel. I'll be over there, and when you're finished you can bring me your drawing, okay?"  
  
"Okay" he smiled at her again.  
  
Clarke went back to where she had been sitting with Jasper and Monty only to notice that they had moved.  
  
"Hey! Clarke, over here!" Jasper shouted from a table across from the bar. The one Octavia was at. He got up to find Clarke a chair as she made her way to the table. Octavia either didn't notice her, or more likely, decided to completely ignore Clarke approaching their table.  
  
Clarke glanced around at the people sitting there. A few she didn't recognize, but for the most part she knew all of them. Jasper brought her a chair and she sat down at the edge of the table, Monty and Jasper on either side of her ( _thank god_ ).  
  
"Don't worry. We told everyone at the table that you would be joining us" Monty said.  
  
"We also told them to leave you alone and not ask any questions" Jasper added.  
  
Clarke didn’t know how to feel about that. For the most part, she was relieved. But she was also worried that this would create an even bigger wedge between her and the people at this table. She was sure that some of them wanted to talk to her, because every few minutes someone would glance her way, only to turn away. She tried to smile at whoever she made eye contact with, and some of them actually returned her smile. Monroe, Harper, Miller and Maya all did. They were awkward smiles. But smiles nonetheless.  
  
Monty got up and brought them more drinks. Clarke was on her third Gin and Tonic (definitely buzzed now) when she felt someone touch her arm. She turned around and found the little boy from earlier smiling at her.  
  
"Hey Abel" Clarke said, smiling at the child.  
  
He smiled back at her and silently handed her a piece of paper. It was a drawing of a dog, done in crayon. It was adorable.  
  
"Thank you so much. I love it. It's perfect" Clarke said. She couldn't stop smiling at this little boy.  
  
"You're welcome" he said, and they looked at the drawing together.  
  
"You know, I like to draw too" She said.  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yeah. Maybe I can draw something for you sometime?"  
  
"Okay. Do you wanna use my crayons?"  
  
Clarke laughed. "No, that's okay. I have my own at home. What do you want me to draw for you?"  
  
"Um, um...how about a dinosaur?"  
  
"Okay. I'll draw you a dinosaur. I'll bring it for you the next time I come here" She smiled at him again.  
  
"Okay. Do you want to see my other ones?" he asked. And he asked so sweetly that Clarke had no other option but to agree.  
  
After telling Jasper and Monty that she'd be right back, she got up. She was a little surprised when the little boy grabbed her hand and led her to the place where she first found him. He sat down and Clarke joined him. Sitting cross-legged so she wouldn't be in the way of the people passing by. He picked up a few pieces of paper and sat down next to her.  
  
She looked through them. They were pretty good, she had to admit, for a child his age. The first one was what she assumed was a horse. The next one of another dog. The final drawing was of a house and two stick figures. One an adult, and one a child.

"That's me, and that's my daddy" he said.  
  
Clarke smiled. "These are really good Abel. You are a good drawer" she said.  
  
He didn't say anything. He just looked at the drawing for a few more moments.  
  
"Abel" a voice coming from above them said.  
  
Clarke froze. Her chest suddenly felt like it was on fire. She knew that voice. She drew her eyes from Abel's drawing, and saw a pair of black boots about a foot across from them. She slowly looked up and made eye contact with Bellamy Blake for the first time in 8 years.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title inspired by "Rain City" by Turin Brakes. 
> 
> This was another light chapter. I don't want to make them super long, but the next one will probably be longer than this one.
> 
> Let me know what ya think :)
> 
> Visit me on Tumblr! http://and-so-we-meet-again.tumblr.com/


	3. And I've moved further than I thought I could (But I missed you more than I thought I would)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guyssss, thank you SO MUCH for all of the positive feedback. Seriously, it makes me so happy and it motivates me to keep telling this story. <3

"Daddy!" Abel said and quickly got up.  
  
Bellamy picked him up and held him close. Gave him a kiss on the cheek.  
  
Clarke was still sitting on the floor.  
  
_Daddy? Bellamy has a son? Bellamy's a father?_ Of course this would happen to her. She got up and stood with her arms at her sides. Unsure of what she should do. _Say something._  
  
She didn't. Bellamy continued looking at her. Still holding Abel in his arms. _Say something! Say anything!_  
  
"Daddy can we go home now?" Abel said. Breaking the silence between them.  
  
"Yeah. Yeah we'll go home in a few minutes. Why don't you go say goodbye to your grandma? She's in the office" he said, as he placed Abel back on the ground. He ran off. _So that's where Aurora was_. Clarke had wondered why she hadn't seen her yet.  
  
It was only the two of them now. Neither made a move to leave. Clarke had looked away, her eyes following Abel out of the door. But she could feel Bellamy's eyes still trained on hers. She decided to look back up at him. She was right. He was still looking at her.

 _SAY SOMETHING._ She tried to think of something to say. _SAY ANYTHING._  
  
"I didn't know that was your son" she finally said.  
  
"Yeah well, how could you have?" he replied. _Stupid. Stupid. What a stupid fucking thing to say. Of course you didn't know! Of course he knows that you didn't know!  
_  
"He looks a little like me, but mostly he takes after his mother" Bellamy said. Clarke looked at his hands, in search of a wedding band but his fingers were ring-less. _Of course, you idiot, he had sex with Raven a few feet from here? How could you forget that?  
_  
"He's a very sweet kid" she said, having nothing better to say.  
  
"Yeah. He is."  
  
They continued to study each other in silence. _What are you thinking?_ Clarke couldn't tell. He didn't seem angry. He didn't seem glad either. In fact, he seemed completely neutral. Like this wasn't the most awkward situation anyone could imagine.  
  
"So, you're back?" He asked. His voice was so casual, he might as well have asked her about the weather.  
  
"Y-Yeah. I'm back" she answered.

And before Clarke even had time to process what was going on, he hugged her. Her hands stayed at her sides before she came to her senses. _He's hugging you._ She hugged him back. It felt like hugging a stranger for the first time. Awkward. Unnatural. _But you are. You are hugging a stranger. And so is he._

He pulled away and looked at her again.  
  
"Welcome back" he said. Then he turned around and walked away. Out the door, in the direction of the office.  
  
Clarke just stood there for a few seconds. Then she sat back down, not caring that a few people were suddenly staring at her again.  
  
She wasn't sure what she had expected. If she was being completely honest with herself, she didn't expect anything at all. In fact, she was shocked that he didn't completely ignore her. In all of the ways she'd imagined this scenario the past few days (the past few years, honestly) not one of them included him hugging her. After her encounter with Aurora and Octavia, she thought his reaction would be similar. A dark glare. Maybe a few nasty words. But not this.  
  
The worst part was that this _felt worse_ , for some reason. She'd told Raven, she'd told herself that they were strangers. But sitting here, in this familiar place with these familiar people who didn't really treat her like a stranger, it felt worse than she'd imagined. Something inside of her crumpled.  
  
Tears swam in her eyes, and she suddenly felt like she couldn't breathe anymore. She got up and went to the bathroom, the single one, and locked the door behind her. She leaned back against the door and slid down so that she was sitting against it. She wrapped her arms around her torso and drew her knees up. _Empty. Empty. Empty._

She felt totally and completely empty.  
  
She knew what it was like to look someone in the eye and see affection, see recognition, see hate. But she'd never felt this feeling. Not when she looked at Monty, or Jasper, or Harper, or Octavia, or even Aurora. She felt completely empty. He looked like a stranger. He felt like a stranger. She held herself and let a few tears stream down both sides of her face. She felt like a stranger, too.

* * *

 

Clarke splashed water on her face, deciding that it was time to leave the bathroom. Her (few) friends would notice her absence. She went back out and found Raven in the chair Jasper had gotten her.  
  
"Hey! Where have you been?" Raven asked.  
  
"I ran into an old friend so I chitchatted for a bit" Clarke lied.  
  
"Okay so do you want to head out or what?" Raven asked.  
  
Clarke thought about it. She wanted to go home. She really did. But she also wanted to be drunk enough to fall asleep quickly, so she wouldn't have to think about the reason she had just lied to her best friend.  
  
"Yeah, um we should probably go. Are you good to drive? Or did you drink?" Clarke asked Raven.  
  
"No, I'm good. I had like a beer and a half"  
  
"Well in that case. Would you mind if I get one more drink and then we can head out?"  
  
"No, knock yourself out"  
  
_I wish._  
  
Clarke made her way to the bar again. She asked for another drink and hoped Lincoln didn't judge her when she asked him to double the gin. But he just smiled at her. Clarke sipped on her drink. She didn't want to chug it, people were watching.  
  
She made small talk with Lincoln and got to know him a little better. She found out that he moved here about five years ago. He had family here, that's why he came in the first place. He told her he was a part-time bartender but a full-time tattoo artist. He loved both jobs so he had to compromise. They discussed tattoos and Clarke told him about being a doctor.  
  
She really liked Lincoln. He seemed like someone who she would want as a friend.  
  
As she was finishing her drink, Octavia came up to the bar and ordered a drink. Clarke stiffened but, again, Octavia chose to ignore her. Clarke was relieved.  
  
"Are you gonna wait for me or are you just gonna head home?" Lincoln asked Octavia.  
  
"I'll wait for you" Octavia said, looking at him quite affectionately.  
  
She figured they were seeing each other. He did seem like Octavia's type. Look-wise anyway. But they seemed like complete opposites, personality wise. Clarke asked him about it. She was genuinely curious. Too curious to stop herself.  
  
"Yeah, we're dating. We've pretty much been together since I moved here" Lincoln said.  
  
Clarke pondered that. "We used to be friends, Octavia and I" she said. She wasn't sure if it was the alcohol that made it easier to talk to him, or the fact that he just seemed like such a nice person. Probably a combination of both.  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"I left" Clarke said. "Well I'm done for the night. Thank you. It was nice meeting you."  
  
"Nice meeting you too. Get home safely"  
  
Clarke smiled and got up to go back to Raven so they could head home. But when she turned around, she found her path blocked by Aurora Blake. _Shit._

"Clarke"  
  
"Aurora"  
  
"Welcome back"  
  
"Thank you"  
  
They continued to stare at each other. There was a time when Clarke felt nothing but love for Aurora. And she was pretty sure the feeling was returned. But things had gone downhill between them the year Clarke left. And, she figured, those feelings only continued to go downhill, for Aurora anyway. Clarke didn't hate her. In fact, she had missed her. But she had a feeling that Aurora did not feel the same way, at all. Her gaze made Clarke feel unwelcome, but she felt a little drained, a little drunk, so she didn't really care at this point.  
  
"And why have you come back? Got an offer from Arkadia Memorial you couldn't refuse? They don't have good hospitals in Chicago?" Aurora asked coolly.  
  
_What? How does she know? How does she know I'm a doctor? She was in the office the entire night._ It didn't matter. She was not going to be bullied by Aurora Blake. She was 25 years old. Almost 26. She didn't have to answer to anyone.  
  
"Does it matter? I'm here" Clarke said, just as cold. She surprised herself a little. She didn't stutter or anything. And her voice came out strong, confident.  
  
"No, I guess it doesn't. What matters in now. Things have changed Clarke. This isn't the same place it was when you left. I hope you know that" Aurora said.  
  
"Yeah, I do. I know that. I've changed too."  
  
"Oh, is that so? The girl standing in front of me right now seems like the same girl I knew 8 years ago."  
  
"Well, she's not. I'm not. I've grown up."  
  
"You do look a little taller, now that you mention it."  
  
_Bitch._ Clarke tried to relax. Anger was building in her chest. And the last thing she wanted to do was blow up. That's what Aurora was expecting. _Well, now I will control myself just to spite you.  
_  
"I'm not doing this with you, Aurora. I get it. You're angry at me. But I'm 25 years old now, not 18. A lot has changed. You don't even know me anymore. I'm not some angry 18 year old"  
  
"Age is just a number baby. The fact that you're 25 doesn't make you a different woman" Aurora said, half of her mouth curved up in a smile.  
  
"Well I am a different woman. And I'm sure you are as well. So be angry at me if you want, but like I said, I'm not doing this with you. I'm not going to argue with you."  
  
"Now that's what I like to hear. I'd like to avoid the _arguing_ " She inched a little closer to Clarke. "And you know what? I'm completely fine with you coming back. I don't even mind you being here, in my place. We won't have any problems Clarke. I don't want any problems with you. But I need you to stay away from my son. _My family._ I saw you talking to Abel. Bellamy is in a weird place right now. He doesn't need any outside voices clouding his judgement. He doesn't need any more problems, or any trouble. So, if you can agree to that, you and I are gonna get along just fine" She finished. Her eyes still on Clarke.  
  
Clarke felt like she'd been slapped. She couldn't help but rise to the bait.  
  
"Bellamy is a grown man. I'm sure he's more than capable of making his own decisions. And I already told you, I've changed Aurora. I'm a different person. I haven't been in trouble in a long time. I'm a doctor now." _Why am I even explaining myself?_ "I didn't come here to screw with Bellamy's head, or mess with his life. I didn't come back for him. I came back for myself. I won't cause any trouble because that's not who I am anymore" and with that, she went to go around Aurora since she was persistently standing in the way, but at the last second Aurora grabbed her wrist with one hand and pulled down the back of Clarke's shirt with the other; exposing the tattoo located on her back, between her shoulder blades.  
  
Clarke yanked her wrist free and shoved Aurora's hands roughly away from her body.  
  
"Still got the tattoo I see?"  
  
"I leave it there as a reminder that ALL THAT SHIT IS BEHIND ME" and with that she storms off towards Raven. Not bothering to wait for Aurora’s response.  
  
"Let’s go home Raven. I've had enough fun for tonight."  
  
They got home a little after 12 am.  
  
"Sorry we stayed out so late. I completely disregarded the fact that you've got to get up in the morning"  
  
"It's fine Clarke. I wasn't in any hurry to leave, if you hadn't noticed" Raven said as they made their way inside.  
  
"Do you want me to wake you tomorrow? Or can I take the car?"  
  
"You can take the car. I want to sleep in tomorrow. I don't plan on going anywhere, but if I decide to I can always just walk over there and pick it up."  
  
"Okay well, I better sleep in my room tonight. I don't want to wake you."  
  
They said goodnight and went to their rooms. Clarke took off her clothes and crawled between the sheets in her underwear. She didn't even bother to take her makeup off. She just wanted to sleep, suddenly feeling very tired.  
Her anger at Aurora had completely consumed her. But now that it was fading, Clarke just felt sad. Sad that she didn't know her friends anymore. Sad that they didn't know her.  
  
She thought about the hesitant smiles. The quick glances from people who used to look her in the eye. She thought about the complete stranger that she'd met tonight. How was it possible that looking at him made her feel empty? Tonight, when she looked in his eyes she saw nothing. Just two dark tunnels where once she'd seen the world? She wondered if that's what he saw in hers. He must have. They didn't know one another anymore. And despite the fact that her heart ached for him, for what they had, she knew that his didn't. With that, she let herself cry. She let herself cry for all the things that she had lost.

* * *

 

It was 11 in the morning when Clarke woke up the next day. _Wow._ She couldn't remember the last time she had slept in this late. She sighed, now completely awake, but made no move to get out of her bed.  
  
She felt okay. She wasn't hungover, and the memories from last night didn't have the same effect on her. Something about daytime and sunlight made everything a little lighter; a little easier.  
  
_Think about the good things. Don't shut down. Think about what made you happy._  
  
She tried.  
  
Despite the fact that she had gone to bed with tears and mascara running down her face, there were parts of last night that did make her happy. Talking to Jasper and Monty. Meeting Lincoln. Raving having her back (again). But thinking about that also reminded her of why Raven had to stand up for her in the first place. _No. No. Stop it_. She quickly got out of bed and decided that the best way to keep those thoughts away (for right now) was to busy herself.  
  
She took a shower and washed the makeup off her face. Afterwards she went into the kitchen and turned to coffee pot on. She opened all the windows in every room to let the fresh air in. It was Clarke's favorite kind of day. Sunny with a few clouds here and there, the wind nice and cool, blowing the leaves from the trees and scattering the ground in shades of brown, orange and red. Fall was her favorite time of year. She wished it would last year-round.

She was hungry so she thought about driving to the diner that her and Raven went to a few days ago, but then she remembered that Raven had taken the car. She groaned as she settled for some cereal. _At least the coffee hit the spot._  
  
She decided to call Becca and accept the offer. Becca seemed genuinely excited that Clarke was going to 'join the team', Clarke couldn't help but smile stupidly at her mug of coffee. She asked if she could start the Monday after the next, so that she would have time to get everything she needed and help Raven find a car.  
  
After breakfast, Clarke went into her room in search of her headphones. She plugged them in to her phone and browsed her music library for a second before finding the playlist she wanted to listen to. _For when you want to be happy_ , it read. She also had one titled _When you want to wallow in your misery_ that she listened to when she wanted to feel worse. She had thought that was a little strange, a little masochistic but Raven had told her that sometimes she listened to sad songs when she was feeling bad, too. Something about having your pain transformed into music was soothing.  
  
She decided to clean her room. She had a few extra boxes so she decided that she would go ahead and donate some of her old stuff. She filled them with books she no longer wanted/needed, clothes and shoes that no longer fit (or that she would never, ever wear again) and a few other things. 

For some reason, the more stuff she got rid of, the better she felt. She laughed at some of the things she found, like some old drawings of her teachers from high school. She shuddered at others, like the copy of 'Twilight' she owned. _This is embarrassing. Thank god Raven's not here. She would never let me live this down,_ Clarke thought, looking at old books and a few CD's. Good old emo days. She found clothes that she wouldn't be caught dead in right now (shirts cut so low there was no way she'd be able to wear them without flashing everyone, old band t-shirts from Hot Topic) and accessories that she would never wear again. _Well, maybe someone else will like them. Like some 13 year old, going through their punk stage._ She laughed to herself.  
  
The music really was helping. She was singing out loud (something she loved to do but didn't too often, she didn't want to disturb Raven), Add It Up by Violent Femmes. After a while she came across some old pictures (her room really was a mess, there was shit everywhere; in the most random places) under a pile of clothes left haphazardly in the corner of the room.  
  
When she left, she left quickly and she left everything behind. She didn't pack anything. She grabbed a change of clothes and her backpack. She didn't take anything else with her. Not one picture. Not one book. Nothing.  
  
There were four and suddenly she remember that she had looked at these the day she left. After she was done, she threw them all on the ground and searched through her room for her backpack and a change of clothes. They were a little faded but they still looked pretty nice.

The first picture was of her, Jasper, Octavia and Monty. They were sitting on the porch steps in front of a house. Jasper and Octavia sat at the top, with Clarke and Monty sitting a few steps down. Monty, Octavia and Clarke were all smiling at the camera, but Jasper's mouth was set in a little 'o' and his left hand was lifted, pointing at whoever was taking the picture, trying to tell them something.  
  
The second one was a picture of Octavia, Clarke and Jake. They were sitting on the very couch that was in Clarke's living room right now. Her father sat in the middle while the two girls sat on either side of him. He had one arm around Octavia and the other around Clarke. He was smiling at the camera all big and bright. Clarke and Octavia were making the same face, their cheeks sucked in and their eyes crossed; trying to be funny. Clarke couldn't stop looking at her father’s face. He looked so happy. A lump formed in her throat.  
  
She moved on to the next picture. This one was of the whole gang. They were sitting at a table in the bar, and everyone was looking at the camera. They all had their hands around each other’s shoulders; forming one big half-circle. Clarke was at the very center. She looked happy. They all did. From what Clarke could vaguely remember, she was pretty sure she had just turned 17 in the picture. Happy and carefree. Before everything went to shit.  
  
The very last picture was one of her and Bellamy. They were on his motorcycle. Clarke had on a helmet and she was resting her head on his back. Her eyes were closed but she was smiling. She had on a tight leather jacket and black pants with black combat boots (she was big on black back then, then again she still is) while Bellamy had a grey t-shirt, jeans and a black pair of combat boots (a lot like hers). Her arms were wrapped around his torso, and he was looking at the camera. He was smiling, slightly. It didn't reach his eyes though. 

Clarke studied the picture. It was a cute picture, she looked nice. She seemed happy even though she was pretty sure they had taken this only a few months before she left. Before she knew it, she was sad again. These pictures didn't make her feel happy, like pictures were supposed to. _Pictures are proof that even for a moment, everything was perfect._ She remembered reading that line in a book, though she couldn't remember which. It was true, the moments in these pictures were perfect. Frozen in time. But now, now they only reminded her of what she had lost. She would never see her father smile again. She could hang out with Jasper and Monty, even Octavia, but things would never be the same between them. She could sit at a big table with her friends and smile, but she knew they would never feel like her family again. They were still a family. She was the outsider.  
  
She could hug Bellamy again. Like she did last night. Like she was doing in the picture. But his body wouldn't feel the same. She wouldn't be familiar with the sound of his heartbeat. He'd never look at her the way he used to.  
  
_Get yourself together_ , she thought. _This is your life now. That was your life then._  
  
She put the pictures in one of her desk drawers. She didn't want to throw them away but she couldn't stand looking at them anymore. She laid down on her bed. She knew that she was bound to feel nostalgic, but she didn't think it would be this bad.  
  
When she left, the only thing she thought about was becoming someone else. Re-inventing herself. Being in a totally different place with totally different people, pretending that she was different too. 

When she made it to Chicago, she told herself that this was her new beginning; her chance to be the person she wanted to be. So she went to college, she joined various clubs and always remembered to say 'please' and 'thank you'. She volunteered at museums and drank coffee at fancy cafes. She went to poetry slams with her new group of friends, who referred to themselves as 'beer snobs' and read Kurt Vonnegut for fun. She got wrapped up in that life. Doing things the way that the people around her were doing, talking like they were talking. At some point, she wasn't pretending to be a different person anymore. She was. People seemed to like the new Clarke. Her mother loved the new Clarke.  
  
But now she only felt lost. She knew she didn't belong in Chicago. If she was going to be honest with herself, she never did. She never even felt like she did. But whenever that thought would creep up on her, she'd push it away and look around her nice apartment. You have everything you want, she'd think.  
  
_Oh my god. Stop it, Clarke. You came here because you wanted to feel safe. And you are. I am. I am safe. I'm lost but I'm safe.  
_  
For the past 8 years, she had been so focused on becoming a different person that now she wasn't sure how she would fit in here. How could she be a different person when everything here was the same? In Chicago it was easy. No one knew her. She was just another anonymous girl. Here she wasn't. Here, she was Clarke.  
  
_I don't even know who I am anymore. How can I expect anyone else to?_

* * *

 

Raven came home a little after 4 that afternoon and found Clarke in her room, still cleaning.  
  
"Hey" Raven said, "Another busy day?"  
  
"Yeah" Clarke huffed. She didn't feel like talking. But she asked Raven about her day anyway.  
  
They went into the kitchen and Clarke made them some coffee (they drank coffee religiously, it wasn't for the caffeine; they just loved the taste) while Raven told her about her second day on the job.  
  
"Got any plans tonight?" Clarke asked.  
  
"Yeah. They involve food and my bed" Raven sighed.  
  
Clarke laughed. Raven looked tired so Clarke offered to go buy them some dinner while Raven took a shower. The closest thing to them was a 5-Guys, one that hadn't been there 8 years ago. Clarke got their food and came home. They ate on the couch and watched a few episodes of BTVS before Raven decided to go to bed.  
  
Since Clarke had slept in, she wasn't sleepy so she stayed up that night, watching the show and only getting up to use the restroom or get a drink/snack. She knew that she was trying to distract herself. But she couldn't help it. _Besides. It won't make a difference if I sit here and think about all of the reasons I feel miserable; I'll still feel that way. I'd rather be pissed off at Xander for upsetting Buffy than pissed off at myself.  
_

The rest of her week passed pretty similarly. Raven went to work. Clarke stayed home and worked on the house. She donated a lot more stuff and threw away some things. She got a few decorations. She went shopping and got herself a few new tops and some painting utensils. Her nights were spent with Raven, on the couch, getting through season 4 of Buffy.  
  
It wasn't until Friday that they had decided to go out again. Clarke was only a little less nervous than she was the last time. And this time, she didn't even drink before they left.  
  
Since it was Friday, the bar was bound to be full. One look at Raven made her feel determined to look good, too. She changed into one of her go-to outfits; a dark red tank top with thin straps and a little v-shaped plunge. It fit her snuggly up top but it was roomier in the middle. She paired it with her favorite boyfriend jeans. They had that purposeful distressed-look to them. She decided to wear a pair of black flats. After she was satisfied with her makeup and hair (in its usual style) she went to the kitchen to meet Raven.  
  
"Damn" Raven smirked, "Don't you look nice"  
  
Clarke rolled her eyes. "Thanks. You clean up well" she joked. Raven looked amazing, as usual. She was bold enough to wear tight bodycon dresses. The one she was wearing was simple; it was gray and tank-top style, hugging all of her curves. She had on a pair of white sandals and her signature bright red lipstick. Her ponytail was slick and shiny as ever. She could pull of anything, really.  
  
Even if Clarke had felt comfortable enough to wear skin tight short dresses (which she didn't), she probably wouldn't have. Clothes looked different on everyone. What looked like a fancy dress on one person, could look like a trash bag on another. But Clarke didn't mind. That wasn't her style. She was a loose tank and jeans type of girl. She only dressed up for special occasions.  
  
As she had suspected, the bar was crowded when they got there. It was only a little after 9.  
  
"Why don't you go see if you can find Jasper and Monty while I go get us a drink?" Clarke asked.  
  
They played music here, but not loudly enough that people had to yell at each other. Raven nodded in agreement and the two split. Clarke made her way to the bar. She saw two people working behind it. She didn't recognize the woman. But the man beside her was definitely Kane.  
  
He was older and he actually had a beard. Back when she knew him his face was always shaved; his hair perfectly styled. The Kane in front of her now was bearded and he'd let his hair grow out a little, pieces falling over his face; streaks of gray here and there. But the biggest difference was that now he looked completely and totally at ease; back then he always seemed really tense, stiff.  
  
He noticed her standing by one of the customers and smiled. "Hello Clarke" he said. "I was beginning to wonder when I'd see you. Almost everyone else has. Made me feel a little left out" he joked. He was actually joking.  
  
Clarke smiled back at him, "Well, here I am" she laughed a little. She was actually joking around with Marcus Kane.  
  
"Here you are. What can I get you?" Clarke ordered Raven a Bluemoon and pondered her options for a few moments. Gin and tonic had been her go-to drink for the past couple of years. "Um, as for me, can I get a- a..." 

Kane smiled. "Why don't I just surprise you?" he asked.  
  
Clarke smiled at him and nodded. _Why not? I need to spice things up. Wow Clarke. You consider getting a different drink "spicing things up"? Grandma._  
  
"So, how've you been?" Kane asked, while making Clarke's drink. "I hear you're the new doctor at Arkadia Memorial?"  
  
_How the hell did anyone know? Oh yeah. Small town and all.  
_  
"Yeah, I am"  
  
"Following in your mothers footsteps I see" Kane said as he set the drinks down if front of her, "How is she?"  
  
"She's good. She's back in Chicago" Clarke answered.  
  
"I'm glad to hear that" he said, sincerely. Clarke started a tab and said goodbye to Kane. She went to find Raven.  
  
There was a time when Clarke had thought that Kane would have become her stepfather. Her mother and Kane began seeing each other a few months after her parents had split. At the time she didn't really like Kane. He was stiff but he was decent enough. The fact that her mother was seeing him so early after the divorce was pretty much the only reason she didn't like him. She acted out. Treated him a little badly. But it seemed like Kane didn't hold it against her. After her father died, Abby ended their relationship. "I can't go through this again" Clarke had heard her say. Jasper had told her that Kane and Aurora were married now. That was probably another reason Aurora didn't really like her. The two most important men in her life were once in love with Griffin women. 

She found Raven at the same table they sat at a few nights ago. She glanced around and saw that almost all of her (old) friends were there too; Jasper, Monty, Maya, Harper, Monroe, Miller and Octavia. When her eyes landed on Bellamy, her voice caught in her throat and she sat down before saying anything to anyone. Lincoln, Anya and a couple she didn't recognize sat with them.  
  
There were about five different conversations going on so she sat silently next to Raven.  
  
"Congratulations on the job Clarke" Harper said, "What floor will you be working on?"  
  
Clarke couldn't believe how casual she was being. She didn't even say hello or ask her what she was doing here. She had a feeling Jasper and Monty must have had another conversation about her with the group.  
  
"Um, 8 and 9, I believe" Clarke said.  
  
Harper smiled at her. "Those are good floors. I actually work on the 6th floor, in the dialysis unit so I'm sure we'll be seeing each other. When do you start?"  
  
"The Monday after the next. You work there? What do you do?" Clarke asked. She hoped it was okay. But she figured it would be, since Harper had initiated the conversation.  
  
"I'm a nurse. So is Shay here" Harper said, nodding to one of the girls Clarke didn't recognize. "But she works in pediatrics."  
  
The girl, Shay, smiled at her. And reached out to shake Clarke's hand. "I'm Shay", she had a kind face.  
  
"Clarke. Nice to meet you" Clarke smiled.  
  
They talked about the hospital a little more. Clarke was beginning to relax a little. _This isn't so bad._ Even Monroe had spoken to her. Clarke knew it was only a matter of time before they started asking her what they really wanted to. But for now she was glad they could just pretend like everything was normal, like they were seeing her after a months’ vacation and not 8 years.  
  
She noticed Raven smiling at her. "What?" Clarke asked.  
  
"Nothing, I just...I think it's great that you came out. I'm glad everything is going smoothly" she said quietly enough so that the others wouldn't hear her.  
  
"I'm glad too" Clarke said. And she meant it.

"Clarke!" Jasper yelled a few seats down from her. She turned and looked at him, noticing a few eyes at the table were on her. "Will you please let our friend Miller here know that I actually did steal a car when I was 16?"  
  
Miller scoffed.  
  
"Um- yeah. He did actually. I was there" She said.  
  
"I told you I wasn't lying! Clarke's my witness" Jasper said, looking at Miller with a smile on his face.  
  
"Wow. And you didn't get caught?" Miller asked.  
  
"Nope. Clarke and I took it for a joy ride before returning it" Jasper answered.  
  
"I don't know if it qualifies as _stealing_ if you return the damn car" Miller said. A few people laughed while they went back and forth about the difference between stealing and borrowing.  
  
"We were a crazy couple of kids" Jasper said.  
  
"Remember that time Clarke egged Kane's house?" Monty added. A few people said "What" at the same time, looking at her.  
  
"I've gotta hear this story" Raven said and a few people nodded. Clarke could feel her neck and cheeks flushing. She was pretty sure the others noticed as Monty told them the story. When he was finished a few people were laughing and Clarke joined in. Recalling how she thought it was the least she could do after she saw him on a date with her mother.

"Remember that time Clarke left and ignored us for 8 years?" Octavia said suddenly. Apparently she was tired of the trip down memory lane.  
  
Everyone at the table suddenly stopped talking, stopped laughing. Half of them looking at Clarke, half of them looking at Octavia.  
  
"O" Bellamy said, a little cautiously.  
  
"No Bellamy. I'm tired of everyone _pretending_ like this is fucking normal. I'm tired of everyone tip-toeing around the elephant in the room" Octavia spat out, still glaring at Clarke.  
  
Clarke was even redder than before. She looked at Raven. She hated being the center of attention in situations like this, with everyone other than Bellamy looking at her.  
  
"Well are you gonna say anything? Or are you just gonna sit there and hope that I change the subject?" Octavia said.  
  
"Octavia, that's enough" Bellamy said. He was no longer cautious. He said it like a command, not a suggestion. Everyone else was still quiet.  
  
"Whatever" she said. She got up and made her way to the bar, Lincoln following her.  
  
"I need some air. I'll be right back" Clarke said. She didn't want to get up and leave, it somehow felt like she was submitting to Octavia even though she had left too. But she had to get out of there. She wanted to calm herself down. She needed to. Before she did something stupid like cry.

She walked out of the bar, there were a few people sitting at the picnic table’s right outside of the bar so she walked a little further, reaching the parking lot.

At the last second she walked back to the people at the picnic tables and asked for a cigarette. An older woman gave her one, lit it. Clarke walked back to the parking lot.  
  
_8 years. I haven't smoked for 8 years._ She coughed. _And Octavia Blake pushed me to it._ She thought (hoped) it would calm her down, but it only made her feel more nervous. She was a doctor, she knew it would. But still.  
  
She took another drag when something caught her eye. She could see her car about 10 feet away from her. There was something on her windshield. She got closer and noticed it was a flower. A single red rose. _What the fuck?  
_  
Her stomach dropped even before she registered why. Suddenly she was back in Chicago again. In the exact same situation. Finn had done that for her a couple of times, even when she asked him to stop. _Stop it, Clarke_ she told herself. She wasn't in Chicago. She was states away, in Arkadia. Finn didn't do this. He didn't know where she was. Did he? She never told him exactly where she was from. She didn't tell anyone where she was going, and she made sure that Raven hadn't either.  
  
The cigarette had ended up on the ground. She quickly scanned the area. There was no one in the parking lot. There wasn't anyone in the street. There was no way Finn was here. She tried to collect her thoughts and control the fear rising in her chest. _Calm down. Calm down Clarke. It's probably just a coincidence. There is no way he knows that you are here. No way. You didn't tell anyone. You're just freaking yourself out. It's probably just a mistake. Yes. An unfortunate coincidence._ She felt a little better, but either way she quickly walked back into the bar. 

She made her way to the bar and asked Kane to make her the same drink he did the first time. She asked if he could put it in a bigger glass. He did.  
  
She walked back to the table and sat down. Her hands were shaking when she went to pick her glass back up. She took three huge gulps, hoping that no one was watching.  
  
Raven caught her eye, raised her eyebrow as if asking _you okay?  
_  
Clarke nodded. She hated lying to Raven but she didn't want to worry her. It was nothing. Clarke was just overreacting. She must have seemed distressed because all of a sudden, Miller was looking at her with a worried look on his face. She tried to smile at him. _Sorry_ he mouthed, his eyes darting to Octavia. Clarke just nodded.  
  
The group was back to chatting. A few different conversations, people talking over one another. The weird situation outside had Clarke temporarily forget about why she was out there in the first place. But everyone had moved on. And she felt momentarily relieved. She suddenly remembered talking to Abel. Bellamy's son.  
  
She scanned the bar again but she didn't see him. Maybe he wasn't here? She hadn't seen Aurora either. She drew him a dinosaur, a quick sketch on a piece of notebook paper right before they left. She put it in her back pocket so she wouldn't forget to give it to him.  
  
She was tempted, for a second, to ask Bellamy where he was. The thought left even quicker than it came. No way. She was not ready to face him again. She thought back to their conversation. He said 'welcome back' like she was some tourist here for the second time. At least he said it, she thought. The fact that he spoke to her was enough of a surprise. 

A few people got up and decided to play a game of pool. Clarke wanted to join them. It had been forever since she'd played. But more importantly, she was good at it. Then she saw Bellamy get up with the group that was leaving to play, and stayed glued to her chair.  
  
She tried to join in on the conversation, or at least seem like she was listening. But she kept thinking about that stupid rose. If it was a coincidence, it was a cruel world. If not....she shuttered. She didn't want to think about _if_. There's no way. She was home, thousands of miles away. She was safe.

* * *

 

The rest of the night went by relatively smooth. Clarke ended up talking to almost all of her old friends. And even if they were hesitant and a little awkward, they were kind. She couldn't remember why she'd been so worried that they would turn her away, kick her out.  
  
The only person who actually asked Clarke about why she was back was Murphy. But he was always honest, even when she didn't want him to be. He sat down at the table, arriving a lot later than everyone else. He was actually holding hands with Emori. _That was new.  
_  
Clarke told him what Raven had told Jasper and Monty; that she and Clarke just wanted to leave Chicago.  
  
"Yeah, that's what Jasper said" Murphy said after she had told him.  
  
"Then why did you ask, if you already knew?"  
  
"I don't know, seems a little fishy" He said, shrugging. "Girl leaves shitty small town for a big city only to return to the same place".  
  
Clarke hoped her face wouldn't give her away. Her poker face wasn't as strong as Ravens. "Well, sorry to disappoint you Murphy but that's it" looking at him.  
  
They had had a strange relationship. Not really friends. Honestly, the only reason she had put up with him at all back then was because of his friendship with Bellamy. But he did seem different. He didn't tease her at all, like he used to; purposefully trying to rile her up until she was screaming at him. Maybe Emori had something to do with it. She was always kind to Clarke, always cool.  
  
He let the topic drop (thankfully) for the rest of the night.  
  
Eventually Raven got tired of sitting there, so she decided to join the group standing in the corner where the pool table (and other games) were. She asked Clarke to join her and she agreed. She was a little tipsy. More than she had been the last time she was here. Those drinks Kane had made her were amazing.  
  
They stood, leaning up against one of the walls. Clarke noticed a pretty brunette staring at her. Clarke recognized her but she couldn't remember her name. She was standing next to Bellamy. When Clarke gave the girl a little smile, she didn't return it. In fact, she looked at Clarke from head to toe and raised her eyebrow.  
  
Clarke rolled her eyes. She was drunk enough that she didn't care. She noticed the girl put her arm on Bellamy's back and whisper something in his ear. Whatever he whispered back must have not been what she wanted to hear because she looked annoyed. Clarke tried not to smile. _That's what you get.  
_  
Eventually a few people started to leave. Raven was ready to go so they said their farewells and left. Clarke felt a little guilty. They usually took turns being the designated driver when they decided to drive to where they were going. This was Raven's second time. 

Clarke apologized but Raven waved her off, "You needed it more than I did"  
  
"It wasn't so bad tonight. Actually, it was pretty good...well with the exception of that thing with Octavia"  
  
"Yeah...about that, I know she was your friend. But that chick is a straight up bitch. I hope she doesn't pull that shit again because I could barely hold my tongue tonight"  
  
Clarke laughed. "It's fine. She'll get over it"  
  
They came home and sat on the couch for a little while, snacking on some chips. They decided to go to bed. When she heard Raven's door close, Clarke quietly went back to the living room. She opened the closet right by the front door. There were only a few quilts and some blankets in it. She reached up to the top shelf and took out a box hidden underneath a few towels. She opened the box to find her father’s old gun. It was a little thing, only a little bigger than Clarke's hand. She took it out and quickly closed the box and put it back in it's place. She walked back to her room and put the gun in her purse.  
  
She told herself that it was just a precaution. _You're safe. But it will give you peace of mind._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title inspired by "I Found" by Amber Run.
> 
> Sooo, we finally met the infamous Aurora Blake.  
> Thoughts? Questions or concerns? :P
> 
> I realize this is going a little slowly, with not much Bellarke interaction but I promise we will get there. I just want to set up the story, and focus a little bit on the other characters because the story will get Bellarke-heavy eventually.
> 
> Any and all mistakes are my own. Visit me on Tumblr! http://and-so-we-meet-again.tumblr.com/  
> <3


	4. And you don't know what you've got until it's gone (And you don't know who to love until you're lost)

Saturday morning, Raven got up before Clarke did. She made them coffee and breakfast before going into Clarke's room and telling her to get up.  
  
Clarke joined her after going to the bathroom to wash her face and brush her teeth. She was a little hungover, but not enough to really bother her.  
  
"So, what are we doing today?" Raven asked.  
  
Clarke thought about all of the things she still needed to do before she started working the week after this. But then again, she could do all that stuff by herself while Raven was at work.  
  
"I don't know, do you have anything in mind?" Clarke asked her.  
  
"Well, I guess we could do a little shopping. Pick up some groceries and paint supplies? We have all day so we could paint my room?"  
  
"Okay" Clarke smiled. "Let's do that."  
  
They finished their breakfast and headed out. After they got brushes and all the shades of paint they needed, they stopped to get groceries before coming home. They picked up a frozen pizza at the store and Clarke popped it in the oven once they were home. They ate and decided to start painting.  
  
It was pretty easy at first. They moved the furniture out of the way and painted all of the walls a dark blue. Outer space was black, but Raven thought that would be a little depressing so she settled for the blue. They had to wait for this color to dry before Clarke could actually start painting galaxies (Raven would do the stars since that mostly consisted of making little white dots everywhere). They spent the rest of the day laying around.  
  
That night they decided not to go out. They both wanted to work on transforming Raven's room. Clarke painted a few galaxies here and there, and Rave put stars everywhere. At the end of the night, they both had huge grins on their faces.  
  
"This is amazing Clarke. I can't believe you let me do this. I can't believe you did this" Raven said.  
  
"Oh stop it. It was my pleasure" Clarke said, putting her arm over Raven's shoulders as they admired their masterpiece together.  
  
They opened the windows in Raven's room to air it out. She slept in Clarke's room that night.  
  
The next day, it looked even better. The paint had dried and they moved the furniture back against the walls.  
  
They spent their Sunday at home; talking, eating, watching Netflix. Clarke didn't bring up the rose she had found on her windshield. She didn't want to freak Raven out. But Clarke didn't feel as worried as she had been Friday night. The more the time passed, the less worried she felt until she completely banished the thought; chalking it up to a weird coincidence. She still kept the gun in her purse though.

* * *

Monday morning, Clarke decided to take Raven to work so that she could use the car. After dropping Raven off Clarke went about an hour over to the next town (it was more of a city) so that she could get herself some new supplies and a few pair of nice scrubs. One of the clothing stores in Arkadia carried scrubs, but they were pretty basic.  
  
She spent about two hours there. She got a few supplies and four pairs of new scrubs. At one of the stores she found a teddy bear dressed up as an astronaut. She thought it would look cute in Raven's outer space room so she bought it for her as a little surprise.  
  
After grabbing some lunch she made her way back to Arkadia. Halfway there, her 'check engine' light came on. Great. She wanted to go home, but she figured she better stop at the garage and have someone look at it.  
  
She pulled in to the parking lot and headed in the direction of the office. She looked around for Raven but she didn't see her. She waved to a few people. She was close to the office when Bellamy came out of it.  
  
Clarke stopped in her tracks, they were only a few feet away from each other.  
  
"Hey" he said. "Looking for Raven?"

"Um n-no actually. The 'check engine' light turned on in my car so. I just figured I better get it checked out. The sooner the better. Since I'm not doing much today. It just seemed like the best idea. I don't know what's wrong with it, I-I haven't had any problems with it lately so-" _Oh. My. God! Shut the fuck up! Stop talking!_ Clarke felt the blush on her cheeks. She was rambling. And by the look on his face, he knew it. "So, um, can anyone take a look at it? If not that's fine I can come back another day, it's not that big of a deal I probably should have called ahead anyway" _WHAT THE FUCK. STOP IT. JUST STOP TALKING.  
_  
A few days ago she was cursing herself for not being able to say anything to him. And now she couldn't shut up. Finally, she stopped. Both of Bellamy's eyebrows were raised, as if he was trying to figure out what was going on.  
  
Clarke dropped her eyes to her feet; feeling her cheeks flame. She was probably so fucking red right now. _Oh my god. Why??_ She felt like a teenager again.  
She glanced back up at Bellamy to find an easy smile on his face.  
  
"Let's go take a look" he said, walking towards her car.  
  
_Control yourself. You're not allowed to speak ever again!_  
  
Clarke opened the door and popped the hood up. Bellamy spent a few minutes quietly looking at the engine; poking around. Clarke stood off to the side with her arms crossed against her chest.

"I can't really tell what's wrong with it right now. You can leave it here and I can take a look at it a little later. I have a few other things to finish" he said.  
  
"No- I understand. I'm sure you're busy. Um. I can leave it here but I kind of wanted to go home so-" she cut herself off before she could start rambling again.  
  
"No problem. Just hand me the keys and I can go ask someone to give you a lift" he said.  
  
"Okay, yeah. That'd be great" Clarke said, handing him the keys. He went back to the garage while Clarke got her purse out of the passenger seat. She popped the trunk open so that she could take the bags out.  
  
She looked up to see Aurora heading her way. _Are you kidding me? Please, god, tell me that's not my ride home._  
  
"Heard you need a ride home?" Aurora asked.  
  
Clarke was tempted to tell her that she had changed her mind. That she would rather walk. But she decided against it. Aurora was being civil. So would she.  
  
Aurora got into the car parked next to Clarke's, not waiting for her to reply. Clarke opened the passenger door and put her purse inside before asking Aurora to open the trunk so she could put the bags into it.

After she did that, she opened the passenger car door and got in. Aurora pulled out and didn't bother making any conversation with her. Clarke didn't even have to tell her where she was going; Aurora knew.  
  
Halfway there, Aurora spoke up.  
  
"Wanna tell me why you're carrying?"  
  
_What? Oh my god._ "You looked through my purse?" Clarke asked her, angry.  
  
"It caught my eye. I saw something shiny" Aurora said, not even ashamed to admit that she had looked.  
  
"It's- it's none of your business!"  
  
"Actually, if you're going to be hanging out at my garage, around MY family, it is my business."  
  
Clarke was angry. She couldn't believe they were having this conversation. "I forgot that it was in there" Clarke said lamely. It was the first thing she thought of. _Stupid_. Aurora would never buy that.  
  
"Clarke. It's a gun. Not an old receipt or a tube of lipstick."  
  
"I-I mean, I'm so used to carrying it that I forgot it was in there."  
  
"So you carried it in Chicago? Why?"

"It's Chicago! There are lunatics everywhere! My neighborhood wasn't the safest place so the gun made me feel a little better" A complete and total lie. Her neighborhood was totally safe.  
  
Aurora was quiet for a few minutes. Clarke looked out the window, trying not to give herself away.  
  
"Have you used it before? Do you even know how?"  
  
"I know enough."  
  
"I'll take that as a no."  
  
They were silent again. Aurora pulled up and parked in front of the house. Clarke was surprised when she turned the engine off and got out. Clarke grabbed her purse and got out too. Aurora was opening the trunk. She grabbed one of the bags and left the other two for Clarke. She waited for Clarke by the door.  
  
"I don't remember inviting you inside."  
  
"Save the drama for another day, sweetheart" Aurora said, following Clarke inside.  
  
She set the bags down in the living room and looked around. Clarke felt a little awkward. In her own damn house. Aurora could just do that to people.  
  
"Wow. This place hasn't changed at all" Aurora said, looking around. "You gonna keep all this old junk or get yourself some new furniture?"  
  
Clarke rolled her eyes. "It's not junk. And yes I'm keeping it."  
  
Aurora smirked a little. Then she reached into her purse and pulled out her own gun. _Oh my god. What the hell is she doing?_ She looked at Clarke and then reached out to hand it to her.

"You should carry this one instead. I think it'll be better for you" Aurora said.  
  
Clarke took the gun. It was smaller than her fathers, and a lot lighter. She looked at Aurora. "Are you sure?"  
  
"Yeah. There are a few bullets in the chamber but the safety's on. If you're gonna carry then you might as well carry properly" Aurora took one last look around before leaving without a goodbye.  
  
Clarke was a little shocked. _Why would she do that? She hates me.  
_  
Either way, Clarke kept it. She put it in her purse and took her father’s gun and placed it back in its box in the closet.  
  
She unpacked her things and put the bear in Raven's room. Right in the center of her bed.

She decided to call her mother and catch up a little. When Clarke first told her she was going to move, Abby fought her on it. Saying that she moved to Chicago a year after Clarke had left so that they could be together. "And now you're running away again" she had said. Clarke told her that she wasn't running away, not this time. And after a few weeks Abby had accepted it.  
  
Her relationship with her mother was complicated after the divorce. But after they left Arkadia, things between them changed; for the better. They saw each other at least once a month, sometimes two or three times. Clarke didn't tell her mother she was going back to Arkadia, and the first time Abby asked where she planned to go Clarke had said she didn't know. "I'll know when I get there", after that, Abby didn't ask again.

They talked for about half an hour, and Clarke told Abby she had ended up in a small city in New Mexico. Not a small town in Virginia.  
  
Clarke felt a little bad for lying to Abby, but she still didn't want anyone to know where she actually was.  
  
A few minutes after she said goodbye to Abby, she got a call from Raven. She explained what was going on with the car, but Clarke was only half listening. She thought car-talk was boring, and she didn't know what half of the words meant so she just told Raven to tell them to fix whatever was broken, she didn't care.  
  
She spent the rest of the day reading outside. She placed a blanket in the shade underneath the tree that they had in the back yard. At some point, she fell asleep.  
  
When she woke up, the sun was setting. She picked her stuff up and went inside. Raven wasn't home yet but it was almost 6:30.  
  
Clarke called her, a little worried.  
  
"Hey! Shit Clarke, sorry I forgot to call. The time just got away from me. We're almost done with your car. I wanted to wait for it so that I could bring it home" Raven said.  
  
"Oh, okay, thanks Raven. That'd be great. See you soon" Clarke hung up and decided to make some dinner. She sucked at cooking, but they had another frozen pizza so Clarke just put that in the oven and decided to make them a salad.  
  
Raven came home shortly after the pizza was done. They ate dinner on the couch, had a glass of wine.  
  
"So, Aurora was a little weird today" Raven said after they finished.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Well, when she got back she came up to me and started asking me questions. Like she wanted to get to know me or something."  
  
"What did she ask you about?" _What the hell?  
_  
"She asked about how we knew each other. I told her we met in school. And then she asked me what it was like to live in Chicago. I told her the basics. Rude people, crowded. Then all of a sudden she asked me if I had ever been attacked? And I was like? No? She said she imagined us living in a dangerous neighborhood. But I told her it wasn't like that. That we basically lived on the very outskirts of Chicago, a nice area. And she looked at me like what I said didn't make any sense? It was weird."  
  
_Great. Just great. So now she knows I lied._ Clarke felt anxious all of a sudden. _What was Aurora thinking? Would she drop it or will she confront me about why I lied?_  
  
"Yeah, that is a little weird" Clarke said. _Shit._

* * *

 

Clarke made a point to avoid the garage under all circumstances. She knew she would have to face Aurora eventually, but she still didn't know what she was going to say. After going over and over different stories, different lies for two days, she finally gave up. _I will just tell her that it's none of her business! Which it really isn't. I'm a grown woman. I don't answer to Aurora Blake. Or is it Kane now?_  
  
Her week dragged. The house looked great so she quickly ran out of ways to keep herself busy. She regretted asking Becca for two weeks, she'd love nothing more than to get in her scrubs and help a few patients. _Get over it._

She tried.  
  
She watched Netflix. She read. But mostly she just drove herself up the wall with imagining different scenarios of her show-down with Aurora. And when she wasn't thinking about that, she was thinking about ways to come back from that embarrassing monologue. She thought about completely ignoring Bellamy the next time she saw him, pretending like they had never even talked. She thought about making a joke. She thought about just walking up to him and initiating a conversation out of the blue, but quickly crossed that out. She didn't trust herself to keep from going on another word rampage. _How can I possibly make myself look normal now? How can I be cool after that?_  
  
She decided that she wasn't going to ignore him, that would probably make things even more awkward between them. She would talk to him. _But how exactly does one talk to an ex that they haven't seen for 8 years?_ She would just have to bite the bullet and get to know him again. They could be friends. Couldn't they? They were both adults now. Completely different people. And so what if they were in love with each other back then? Things change.

 _Of course. It's not that big of a deal. You're just freaking out because, well, that's what you do,_ she thought. We've both moved on. _And if I bring it up, or act weird about it then he will probably think I'm pathetic for even thinking about that after all these years._ Yes. That was it. She just had to act normal, like she did with everyone else.  
  
She sighed. That was a lot easier said than done. Of course she had felt uncomfortable, even scared, meeting all of them again. But that was nothing compared to how she felt when she had seen him that first night. And while it was getting easier with everyone else, it only seemed to get worse with him. She groaned.  
  
On Thursday morning, Clarke decided that she was tired of sitting at home. She took Raven to work and went home to change into some acceptable to exercise in. They had one gym here, and it was actually pretty nice. But the morning air was so crisp and cool that Clarke decided to go to the local park and run there instead.  
  
She tried (and failed) to exercise regularly; it just never worked out. Jogging at the park, with the weather basically perfect and all of the autumn colors around her, she couldn't remember why she'd been so stressed the past few days. She couldn't remember why she didn't do this more often.  
  
It really was beautiful in Arkadia. Chicago was crowded. Everywhere she looked she saw people, people, people. And if she didn't see people, she saw buildings. Buildings everywhere. She had missed the mountains. The trees. It was a little cliche, but suddenly she was very grateful to be alive.

She knew Raven was loving it here. She hadn't seen the girl this happy in a long time. She loved her job. She loved her room. She actually had friends. And last night, while they were eating dinner, she randomly thanked Clarke.  
  
"For what?" Clarke had asked.  
  
"Just for...for coming in to my life. For bringing me here. For changing it" Raven had said. She wasn't a sappy person very often, but when she was it was true. Clarke had smiled at her best friend, thinking about how funny life was. How it brought certain people together in the most unusual ways.  
  
Even though Clarke wasn't sure if coming back to Arkadia was the best decision, at least Raven was happy. That was enough of a reason to stay. At least for now.

* * *

 

After her run, she sat down on one of the benches and let her body cool down. It was a beautiful day. Clarke wished that she had thought to bring her sketch book. She wanted to draw the scenery; the trees, all different shades of green, brown and orange, the blue sky.  
  
When she decided it was time to go, she made her way to her car. She was a few feet away when she noticed that there was another single red rose on her windshield.  
  
The air left her lungs and she suddenly felt like she couldn't breathe anymore. She scanned the parking lot; it was empty except for her car and two others which were vacant. She turned and scanned the surrounding area. She saw a young woman running; she had passed her a few times. And she saw an elderly man with two school-age kids by the swing set. That explained the two cars.  
  
She took the rose and quickly got in her car, locking the doors.  
  
Her breaths were rapid and shallow, her heartbeat fast and her pulse thready. She was on the verge of a panic attack. _Calm down. Control yourself._ She closed her eyes and focused on slowing her respiratory rate. In through the nose, out through the mouth. _In through the nose, out through the mouth.  
_  
After a few minutes, her hands stopped shaking and she picked up her phone.  
  
_Clarke 10:37 am: Hey Rae, can you ask someone for Miller's # and send it to me?_

She sat and waited for Raven to reply. She wanted to leave but she didn't want to risk having to text Raven while she was driving.  
  
_Raven 10:41 am: Raven shared a contact_  
  
_Clarke saved Miller's name and number to her phone._  
  
_Raven 10:42 am: Everything okay?_  
  
_Clarke 10:42 am: Yeah I just need to ask him something, work-related._  
  
_Raven 10:43 am: Gotcha._  
  
Again, Clarke felt guilty for lying to Raven. You don't want her to worry. _She would understand,_ she told herself.  
  
Clarke went home, feeling a little better now that she was away from the park. She went inside and decided to call Miller before she did anything else. The phone rang for a few seconds before he picked up.  
  
"Hey Miller. It's Clarke. I-I got your number from Raven. I hope that's okay. Are you busy? Do you have a minute?"  
  
"Hey Clarke" he sounded surprised. "Yeah, that's fine. I'm at work but I've got a few minutes. What's up?"

He had told her that he was a police officer a few nights ago. She was a little surprised, considering that he had referred to himself as a criminal when they were teenagers. He had said it with a laugh, but then added a comment about how upset his dad must have been about it, since his father was the sheriff.  
  
"Um, I just have a question. But before I ask, can you please promise to keep this between us? I- I don't want anyone else to know about this."  
  
"Yeah...Clarke, of course. This can stay between you and me" he said, sounding a little confused, a little worried.  
  
"Okay. If I had a restraining order placed against someone in one state...would it still be valid in another? Like, like this one?"  
  
He thought about it for a few minutes. "Yeah, I believe so. Give me a few minutes and I can double check, hang on."  
  
"Thanks Miller" Clarke said. She waited.  
  
"Hey, you there?" he asked after a few minutes.  
  
"Yeah I'm here."  
  
"I took a wild guess and assumed you meant Illinois, and yeah, it's still valid here" He said.  
  
Relief washed over Clarke. She felt herself relax a little. "Thanks Miller. And please, please don't mention this conversation to anyone. Not even Raven, okay?"  
  
"I won't Clarke. You know I won't. Are you in any trouble? Is everything okay?" He asked.

"Yeah, yeah I'm okay. I'm not in trouble. I just wanted to make sure. Give myself a little peace of mind, you know?"  
  
"Yeah. I get it. Well, if you have any other questions...or you know, if you need anything from me you can always call or come down to the station. I'm pretty sure you're familiar with it."  
  
"Ha-ha. Very funny Miller. But thank you. I really appreciate this."  
  
He laughed a little and added "Anytime" before they hung up.  
  
She felt considerably better now. There was no way Finn was here. First of all, he didn't even know where she was. And even if he had somehow found out, he wouldn't risk getting arrested. Would he?  
  
What was going on? If it wasn't Finn, and she was pretty sure it wasn't, who was doing this? The first time it happened she had just decided that it was a mistake. A coincidence. But twice? Who would do that? There was no way it was just a coincidence, but she knew for sure it wasn't some secret admirer. Was it? What the hell was going on?  
  
She got up and looked for her purse. She reached inside of it and grabbed the gun Aurora had given her. It made her feel a little better. She took her purse out of her room and hung it on the doorknob of the closet door in the living room.  
  
She spent the rest of the day inside. But no matter what she tried to distract herself with, she couldn't stop thinking about the stupid rose. There was an explanation, she just didn't know what it was.

Clarke texted Raven and asked when she was getting off so that she could come pick her up, but Raven told her not to worry about it, she was getting a ride home from one of her co-workers.  
  
Clarke decided to make them some dinner. It didn't take a lot of skill to make grilled-cheese and tomato soup. She was setting the table when Raven walked in. They talked about their day while they ate dinner.  
  
"So, there's this car show this weekend. Kane's going and he said he knew of a few prospects for me, he asked me and that guy Nyko to join him."  
  
"Sounds exciting" Clarke joked.  
  
Raven rolled her eyes at her friend. "It's a two-day thing though, the place is about five hours from here so we would leave Saturday morning and come home Sunday night. Is that okay? I mean, do you mind spending the weekend alone? Cause if not, I don't have to go. Kane could just send me pictures."  
  
Clarke could see that Raven really wanted to go. She wasn't sure how she felt about staying home alone but she was not going to be that friend.  
  
"Yeah, Rae, I'm fine with it. You should go" Clarke said.  
  
"Are you sure? Cause I know we kind of just got here so..." She looked like she felt guilty for even asking.  
  
"I'm sure Raven, honestly. And you know, before you moved in with me I lived alone in Chicago? So it's really not that big of a deal."  
  
"Okay well, if you change your mind please just tell me."  
  
Clarke laughed. "Its fine, I promise."  
  
Clarke wasn't really sure if she meant it. She hadn't been alone in a long time. But if she did it before, she could do it again. Besides, this was Arkadia. Nothing bad ever happened here. It wasn't like Chicago, where people were constantly getting mugged or murdered.  
  
Despite the fact that Raven was going to leave early Saturday morning, they decided to go out again Friday night. It was weird. Back in Chicago, Raven constantly wanted to go somewhere different. So if they went to a certain bar one night, they went to a different one the next time they did. But here, she wanted to keep going to Kane's, even though she was basically there every single day. Clarke didn't complain though, she liked going to Kane's. She never got tired of it when she lived here.  
  
"We should walk there" Raven said after they had gotten ready.  
  
"What?" Clarke asked. "Why?"

"Because, it's really nice outside. And it really isn't that far of a walk, 30-40 minutes tops? And that way we can both get shit-faced tonight?"  
  
Clarke laughed. It really was a nice night, the weather was perfect. Chilly enough to need a light jacket. "Okay then, we better get going" Clarke said. She wore all black tonight. A new black lacey tank top, black leggings and her pair of black flats. She grabbed her purse and a thin black cardigan that reached her knees and they head out. They could always get a ride home if they didn't want to walk back later tonight.  
  
It was another busy night at the bar. Again, they found their friends in their usual place. They got a few drinks and sat down around the table. This time, Clarke said hey to a few people and they said hey back. It was easier to join in on the conversation. She didn't feel like a complete outsider. Just someone trying to make their way back in.  
  
They talked. They laughed. They drank. It was a good night.  
  
Around 9, she noticed Bellamy finally walking inside. (She hadn't been looking for him, _really_ ).  
  
He made his way to the bar and sat down to talk to Kane, who was playing bartender again. Clarke wondered if she should go talk to him. She had planned on it. She wanted to. But something kept her glued to her seat.  
  
_What would I even say? 'Hey'?_ That didn't seem like a good option. Screw it. She had to get this over with. She downed her drink, and the rest of Raven's for good measure, and slowly made her way to the bar.

The seat next to him was (luckily) unoccupied. She sat down before she could change her mind and run in the other direction. Kane greeted her and she asked for another drink. They hadn't even been there for over an hour and she was already on her third drink.  
  
"Hey" she said, turning to Bellamy. She hoped it had come out casually.  
  
"Hey" he said, and his hey actually was casual. Like she was someone he greeted every day.  
  
"How's it going?" she asked before she could help herself. _How's it going? How's it going? That the best you could do?  
_  
"Good" he said. His face giving nothing away. "How's it going with you?"  
  
"Good" she said lamely. The silence between them stretched. How was she able to talk to him before? She couldn't remember. But she knew she did. Sometimes they spent hours just talking, but now she couldn't recall exactly _how._  
  
"So, um, where's Abel?" she asked. His face seemed to relax a little. _Good. Abel is a good topic._  
  
"He's with my mother. Back at her house. I try not to bring him around during busy nights" He said.

"Yeah. Um. I actually have a drawing for him, that's why I asked. The last time he was here, he, uh, he drew me something and I promised to return the favor" she tried to smile.  
  
Bellamy actually did smile. "Yeah? Do you have it now? I can give it to him for you, if you want."  
  
"Um, sure" Clarke had remembered to take it out of her jeans and put it into her cardigan pocket. She handed it to him.  
  
"Do you mind if I look?"  
  
"Of course not."  
  
He unfolded the piece of paper and looked at it a few minutes. "It's nice. I'm guessing he asked for a dinosaur?"  
  
"Yeah, he did" Clarke smiled.  
  
"I'll give it to him tomorrow. He's spending the night at my mom’s but I'll see him tomorrow."  
  
"Oh, yeah, that's fine. I hope he likes it."  
  
"I'm sure he will."  
  
Clarke didn't know what to say to that. They were silent again. What did she expect though? She knew it was bound to feel like this. Before, they literally talked about everything. She never felt hesitant.

"Does he spend a lot of time at Auroras?" she said. Then she cursed herself. It was the first thing that popped into her mind and before she thought about it, the question was out. "What about when you're at work?" she adds before she can stop herself. _Why the hell did I just ask him that? Is it even appropriate of me to ask?_  
  
But it must have been, because he answered. Either that or he answered despite it being inappropriate.  
  
"Uh, yeah actually" he said. "He spends almost every Friday and Saturday night with her. If it was up to her though, he would spend every night with her" he smiled "so I compromise and let him stay the weekends. When I'm at work, he's usually at the daycare down the street. But sometimes he's with O or my mother."  
  
"Oh, well that's nice of you" Clarke said. _Oh MY GOD? That's nice of you? What kind of response????_  
  
He just shrugged.  
  
She wanted to know more. She had about a billion questions she wanted to ask. But she knew she couldn't, so she didn't.  
  
"Well, I better get back" she said. Not wanting to push him. He nodded.  
  
But right before she got up, he spoke.  
  
"Why are you here Clarke?"

"Uh, I just wanted to talk to you. Ask about Abel..." she said. She was suddenly very nervous again, like it was that first night all over again.  
  
"I don't mean at the bar. I mean in Arkadia" he looked at her.  
  
She grabbed her drink so that her hands would have something to hold on to.  
  
"We -Raven and I- " she said, preparing to tell him what she had told Murphy.

But he cut her off before she could finish.  
  
"Stop. Please don't give me that shit about wanting to leave Chicago and not knowing where to go because we both know that's not true."  
  
"What are you talking about? Of course it's true. I don't know what you mean" she lied.  
  
"Right" he said, a little cruelly.  
  
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" She was getting angry. She hated being called a liar, even if she was lying.  
  
"It means that I know you're lying. You hated this place. There's a reason you never came back. And now suddenly you show up, after 8 years, and expect me to believe that you actually wanted to come home?" he was getting angry too, she could tell.  
  
"I didn't hate this place Bellamy! I hated who I was here! You know that. You know that's why I left."  
  
"And what? Suddenly you forgot all that and came back? Do you actually think I'm that stupid?"  
  
She could feel her face heating up.  
  
"I came back because I'm a different person. I came back because I was tired of living in Chicago. I have a place here...it was the smartest option."  
  
He laughed. But not like he thought it was funny.  
  
"You could at least try to come up with a better lie. You were tired of Chicago? Why didn't you go to any one of the thousands of cities in the US? 'I have a place here'? You've had a place here for the past 8 years but that never made a difference?"  
  
"Screw you, Bellamy. I don't owe you an explanation. I don't own anyone anything! And if you don't believe me, that's your problem. Not mine." She had raised her voice loudly enough that a few people around them were looking. She didn't care. He was not going to make her feel bad about leaving. And why she came back _wasn't_ his business.

"You know what? You're right. You don't owe me shit" he said. Then he got up and left her sitting there at the bar, clutching her drink so hard she was surprise the glass didn't shatter.  
  
She asked Kane for another drink before heading back to the table. He was there, too. But he was at the other end, and he didn't look at her when she joined them.  
  
_Whatever. I don't have to explain myself._  
  
She tried to join in on the conversation but she couldn't stop thinking about her fight with Bellamy. This felt completely different than their first conversation. _Well, at least he's not treating you like a stranger._ But she wasn't sure she preferred this.  
  
After a while, Clarke got up to go to the restroom. She entered the ladies room and moved to go to a stall when she heard someone come in right behind her.  
  
"Hey!" an unfamiliar voice said.  
  
She turned and saw the brunette from the other night. The one that was with Bellamy.  
  
"Do I know you?" Clarke asked.  
  
"No, but I know you" she said. She walked towards Clarke and stopped when there were only a few inches separating them. "I don't know who you think you are, but you better stay away from Bellamy."  
  
"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. Don't be hanging around him like some lost puppy. We're together."  
  
Clarke rolled her eyes. _Seriously?_  
  
"Does he know that?" Clarke asked, not being able to stop herself. She wasn't some teenager about to argue over boys, but the way this girl had approached and confronted her when she'd barely talked to Bellamy made Clarke want to piss her off. And she was drunk.  
  
The girl pursed her lips and squinted her eyes in what Clarke imagined she had thought was an intimidating way. (It wasn't)  
  
"I'm not gonna tell you again" she said.  
  
"Look. I don't give a shit. He's all yours. I literally do not care" Clarke said. She went into a stall and heard the girl leave.  
  
She suddenly remember that her name was Roma. She was two years older than Clarke. _What a dumbass.  
_  
Clarke joined her friends again and the rest of the night went smoothly. She caught Roma looking at her a few more times, but it didn't bother her.  
  
She and Raven decided to head out a little after 12, not wanting to stay too late because of Raven's early morning. Lincoln offered to drive them home, and despite the fact that Clarke actually wanted to walk home, they accepted.  
  
She went to bed that night still slightly angry. She replayed her conversation with Bellamy over and over in her head. She thought of better things she could have said. _Oh well. I'm sure it'll happen again so maybe I can use those lines then?  
_  
He looked different. His face looked....harder. His hair was shorter. His curls stayed on top of his head, they didn't fall over his eyes like they had the last time she was here. He had tattoos. He had one on his back that she knew about, but the tattoos on his arm were new to her. She didn't even get a chance to look at them. He'd lost that boy-ish quality about him. He was definitely a man now. More muscular.  
  
_He looks good. Really good. Did he think I did, too?_ She shook her head. No. She had to remind herself that it shouldn't matter to her, whether he thought she looked good or not. _No Clarke. It doesn't matter. Not anymore._

* * *

 

The next morning when Clarke woke, Raven was already gone. She'd left her a message on the fridge. _Don't have too much fun without me, and call if you need me! Love you -R  
_  
Clarke turned the coffee pot on and swallowed two Advil's with a large glass of water. She had figured Raven would be gone by the time she had gotten up.  
  
The house felt a little weird. She'd never spent much time here alone. When she stayed with her dad, he was usually always around. And when he wasn't, someone else was. Usually Bellamy. And since they'd gotten here, she was used to Raven's presence.  
  
It was only a little after 9am, and she thought about what she could do with her day. She could always go into town, do a little shopping. Or maybe she could paint a little. She decided against it though, she wasn't feeling particularly inspired.  
  
She sat at the kitchen table and thought about the past few days.  
  
After she had her first cup of coffee, she decided to shower. When she got out she noticed she had a new text message from a number she didn't recognize.

 _Hey Clarke! It's Jasper.  
_  
She smiled and texted him back.  
  
_Clarke 10:11 am: Hey Jas! What's up?_  
  
_Jasper 10:13 am: Not much. Do you have any plans for today?_  
  
She thought about lying. She wasn't sure why, but what if he asked her to do something she didn't really want to do? _Stop it. Don't be anti-social. And anyway, you could always back out at the last minute and pretend to be sick._  
  
_Clarke 10:17 am: Not really. Why?_  
  
_Jasper 10:20 am: Well Kane decided to close the garage for the weekend since he'll be gone. Give us a little vacay. We're planning something, you in?_  
  
_Clarke 10:21 am: What are you planning?_  
  
_Jasper 10:28 am: We're gonna have a little get together. Cookout at our place. Just a little group of us. You want to come?_  
  
Clarke thought about it for a few minutes. She didn't want to be home alone. A cookout seemed pretty harmless. _You have to stop thinking like that. These are your friends. You need to make an effort_.

 _Clarke 10:31 am: Yeah, I'm in._  
  
_Jasper 10:32 am: Great! We'll probably start around 2 so just get here around that time._  
  
_Clarke 10:32 am: Okay, sounds good. Should I bring anything?_  
  
_Jasper 10:35 am: If you want to. A few people are bringing things so you can just bring whatever you want to. But you don't need to. We're about to go shopping._  
  
_Clarke 10:36 am: No, I want to bring something. Any ideas?_  
  
_Jasper 10:38 am: Uhhh, just whatever is fine. It's up to you!_  
  
_Clarke 10:39 am: Okay, see you then!_  
  
Jasper texted her the address. He must not live with his parents anymore because Clarke didn't recognize the address. He and Monty must've gotten a place.  
  
Clarke thought about what she could bring. She settled for going to the grocery store and just picking up a few random things; a bag of chips, a veggie tray (which would probably go to waste) and two cases of Samuel Adams Octoberfest beer. She rarely drank beer but something about fall made her want to drink seasonal brews.  
  
On her way home she got another text message. She opened it while at a red light and noticed it was from another unknown number...but the area code wasn't Arkadia's. In fact, she didn't think it was from Virginia at all.

 _Did you get my presents?_  
  
The light turned green and she put her phone down. _What? What presents?_ Suddenly she thought about the two roses. Presents.  
  
She parked in the driveway and looked around. There wasn't anyone around. She decided to text the person back: _Who is this?_  
  
Whoever it was didn't reply.  
  
She made her way inside, a little cautiously. _This is stupid. I'm in my own damn house. And I have a gun._  
  
She relaxed after she realized she was alone. The idea that she was even expecting anyone to be here upset her. Before she could freak out, she sat down in the kitchen and practiced her deep-breathing exercise. It really did help. She used it a lot in college.  
  
She felt better. Even if it was him, or some creepy stranger, she had her gun. She hated that she had to use that to make herself feel safer. She hated that she felt unsafe in the first place. This was here safe place. That's why she came here. What the hell was going on?  
  
She decided to call her mother. When Abby answered, Clarke felt a little relieved. Her mother cared for her, and as long as she was alive, there would be someone who would look after her. Someone who would know if something was wrong. She had Raven too.

They made a little chitchat before Clarke had the nerve to get to the subject she actually wanted to address.  
  
"So...um, have you seen Finn lately?" She asked.  
  
"Finn? Yeah actually. I ran into him a few days ago. He asked about you."  
  
"What'd he ask? What'd you say?"  
  
"He just said that he was worried about you. That he didn't know where you were."  
  
"And?"  
  
"Well, I was a little surprised that you didn't tell him you moved? I thought you guys decided to stay friends after that whole Raven thing?"  
  
"Yeah, well. We weren't that close. What did you tell him?"  
  
"I told him that you had moved to New Mexico."  
  
Clarke let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. _Thank god. He doesn't know where I am._ But who had texted her? Who had left the flowers?  
  
"Clarke?"  
  
"Yeah, um, sorry mom. It was nice talking to you. I love you and I'll call you soon" she said. They hung up and Clarke relaxed.

It wasn't even close to two o'clock so she decided to read a little. She got a snack because she was hungry and she wanted to save room for later.  
  
She started getting ready a little before one. She wasn't sure who would be there but Jasper had said it would be a little group. She picked up a dress. Thought about it. But ultimately decided against it, again.  
  
Instead she went with a high-waist burgundy skirt. She put on some sheer black stockings underneath the skirt. She paired it with a cream colored shirt and the same black cardigan she wore last night. After doing her hair and make-up, she looked at herself. She looked cute. Really, really cute. She put on a pair of brown booties and took one last look at herself.  
  
After she got the items she was bringing into the car, she decided to leave. Since this was a small town, and she had lived here for 18 years, she didn't need to look up the directions to the address Jasper had given her. She vaguely knew where the street was so once she got there she slowed down enough to read the numbers on the houses.  
  
She didn't need to though. One of the houses had about 5 cars and a nice black motorcycle surrounding it. She parked in front of one of Jasper's neighbors houses and hoped they wouldn't mind. After getting the bags out of the car, she made her way to his house. It was nice. Average. Pretty much what she expected.  
  
She thought about just going around to the back yard, that's probably where everyone was, but she decided against it. She rang the doorbell a few times and then a few more. Eventually Monty opened the door.

"Clarke! Sorry, we were out back. Why didn't you just come around?" He asked.  
  
Clarke shrugged. He let it drop.  
  
She followed him to the back yard. "You're the last person to get here, but the foods still not done so we're just gonna hang around for a bit" he said.  
  
Clarke looked around. They weren't on the porch, they were all in the backyard. They had a picnic table with a bunch of drinks and snacks.  
  
Jasper was at the grill a few feet from the table. Miller, Bellamy, Murphy and Lincoln were seated around the table while Octavia and Harper were sitting on a blanket a few feet away from the table.  
  
Monty took the bags out of her hands and set them on the table before going to Jasper's side.  
  
Clarke stood there for a few moments, contemplating on where she should sit. If she sat at the table, she'd either have to sit between Bellamy and Murphy or between Lincoln and Miller; across from Bellamy.  
  
She could sit on the blanket....but that would mean having to sit next to Octavia.  
  
Lincoln looked up and greeted her, and she let that decide it. She sat down between him and Miller. Miller said hello as she sat down, and she heard Harper greet her as well.  
  
"Hey guys" she said, to no one in particular and hoped it would suffice.

They were all talking about some show that she hadn't seen yet. _Stranger Things_. She'd seen it on Netflix, but she hadn't had a chance to watch it yet, what with her rewatching Buffy again.  
  
Since she really couldn't contribute to the conversation, she opened a beer and sipped on it while listening to Miller and Murphy argue about who the best character was.  
  
"No fucking way man! There is no way that any of them are better than Eleven" Miller said.  
  
"Yes there is! Dustin is way cooler than Eleven" Murphy argued back.  
  
They went back and forth. Clarke couldn't help herself, she laughed. They were seriously arguing about which character was cooler.  
  
The afternoon went on like that. Clarke didn't really contribute much to any conversation, unless someone had directly asked her a question. She felt a little awkward, a little out of place but she reminded herself that this was still _new_. And before things could be like they were _before_ (if they could, at all) she had to get through this awkward phase.  
  
They ate the burgers Jasper had made, which were pretty good, and drank the beer everyone had brought (Whoever brought the rest of the drinks must have been feeling the same type of way Clarke had been, because everything was apple-this, October-that).  
  
It was nice. The longer she stayed, the better she felt.  
  
She went inside to use the bathroom, and when she came out Octavia was in the kitchen. She turned around when she heard Clarke walking towards the back door and suddenly they were face to face. _Let's get this over with._

"Hey" Clarke said. She half-expected Octavia to ignore her and turn away. She half-expected her to start screaming.  
  
"Hey" Octavia said back. They stood in silence for a few minutes.  
  
"Look, Octavia, I'm here. And I don't plan on leaving. So you can either say what you want to say, and get this over with or you can ignore me forever. It's up to you." Clarke said. Surprisingly, her voice came out strong and confident. Maybe it was the beer coursing through her veins.  
  
"I-" Octavia started to say. But then she stopped. They stood in silence once again, facing each other.

"I don't even know what to say to you" she began again. "I mean, I used to think about it all the time. I imagined you coming home and I imagined myself yelling at you for ignoring me. For forgetting about me. For leaving. But after the first two or three years, and not a single word from you, not even a lousy text message, I stopped imagining seeing you ever again."  
  
Clarke didn't know what to say to that. What was there to say? Saying " _I'm sorry_ " wouldn't change anything. So she only nodded. _  
_

"And then, when my mom told me that she'd seen you, I couldn't believe it. Like, I literally convinced myself that she must've mistaken you for someone else. But then you walked into the bar that night and..." She paused. Clarke waited for her to speak again.  
  
She was beginning to think that Octavia was done talking when she finally spoke up again.  
  
"And you came in, like it was nothing, like it was just another normal day. You started talking to Jasper and Monty and I couldn't believe it. Then, when everyone was just pretending like everything was okay, I kind of lost it. You hurt us, _all of us_ , and not because you left. That I could understand. But because you never looked back. Never reached out."  
  
Clarke couldn't look her in the eye anymore.  
  
"I was pretty fucking upset, I still am, because you didn't even offer up an explanation. Hell, not even an excuse. And you came to the bar like you just expected all of us to understand, to accept the fact that you were back and that was that. I'm not gonna apologize for how I acted."  
  
She looked like she was done talking. Suddenly she turned her back to Clarke and gripped the counter, like she needed support.  
  
"Octavia..." Clarke started.  
  
"No Clarke. Don't say anything. I don't really think that anything you say is gonna make me be any less upset with you."  
  
They stood there. Clarke not knowing what to say. Octavia with her back still turned.  
  
"I can accept the fact that you're back. And I'll try, really try, not to start shit with you but...I can't forgive you. I can't forgive you for what you did and maybe I never will. But I will be civil with you because they want you back and I'm not willing to lose my friends because they're okay with you being here."  
And with that, she left the kitchen and joined everyone outside.  
  
Clarke tried to swallow around the lump that had formed in her throat. Tears swam in her eyes. She went back to the bathroom to try and compose herself before going back outside. She'd expected Octavia to yell at her, call her names. Be a bitch. And she knew Octavia felt that way. She'd known for a long time. But hearing the words from Octavia's mouth hurt a lot more than when she'd imagined them.  
  
_At least she's trying.  
_  
She knew, coming here, that the only person who was probably hurt as much as (maybe even more) than Bellamy by her actions was Octavia. They had practically grown up together. She couldn't forgive her. But maybe one day she would.

* * *

 

Clarke gave herself a few more minutes before heading back. It was a little after 5pm, the sun was slowly making its way to the horizon.  
  
Everyone seemed to be in a good mood, even Octavia, despite their conversation. She was laying on the blanket with her head in Lincoln's lap.  
  
Clarke sat back down next to Harper, who had taken Lincoln's seat, with Jasper on the other side.  
  
"We're out of beer" Murphy complained.  
  
"Somebody's gotta go on a beer run! Not it!" Octavia yelled.  
  
A few other people yelled "Not it" before Monty spoke up. "Guys, we're having a good time. No one needs to leave. Jasper and I have a lot of alcohol inside that house. But no beer. Why don't we just settle for that? Unless someone really wants to leave to get beer?"  
  
No one spoke up.  
  
"Then it's settled. Let's get drunk" Miller said, playfully shoving Monty with his shoulder.  
  
"Some of us have to drive home, Miller" Harper added.  
  
"No you don't. If anyone gets too drunk they can just spend the night" Monty said.

Jasper and Monty went inside the house and said they would come back with "something special".  
  
"Oh god. Monty's gonna come back with that shitty moonshine again" Murphy groaned.  
  
"You don't have to drink it" Miller said, a little offensively.  
  
"Yeah Murphy. And don't insult Miller's boyfriends moonshine like that ever again" Bellamy said playfully.  
  
_Boyfriend? What?_ Clarke looked to Miller.  
  
"You guys are dating?" She asked.  
  
Miller's cheeks turned a little pink. "No" he said, looking at Bellamy, "We're not actually."  
  
Bellamy smiled. Then he actually looked at Clarke for the first time since she'd gotten there and said "Miller's too afraid to actually ask him out".  
  
Clarke smiled while Miller told Bellamy he was going to kick his ass.  
  
_What was that? He acted like last night didn't even happen?_ Clarke thought about it for a few seconds. _Maybe he's just trying to make it less awkward._ Whatever his reason was, Clarke accepted it. She could pretend, too. For now.

Monty and Jasper came back with a lot of different bottles and plastic cups. "Who wants some moonshine?" Jasper yelled. Murphy groaned and everyone besides Jasper and Monty laughed.  
  
"Did we miss something?" Monty asked.  
  
"Nah" Bellamy said. "But please tell me you have something besides moonshine? I'd like to avoid liver disease for a few more years, at least."  
  
"Ha-ha. Very funny Bellamy. But yes. We brought other drinks" Monty said.  
  
"Clarke, do you want a cup of moonshine? It's been like 8 years since you had some?" Jasper asked.  
  
Everyone was quiet. Probably not knowing what to add to that.  
  
"Sure" Clarke said. She wanted to get drunk. Jasper poured her half a cup and she took a sip. She choked a little as it went down, lighting fire to her throat and stomach.  
  
"Good right? Better than it was?" Monty asked.  
  
"Um...yeah...doesn't taste like lighter fluid anymore. Just a hint of nail polish remover and rubbing alcohol though" Clarke teased. Miller, Bellamy and Harper laughed.  
  
"Well...looks like everyone's a comedian tonight" Monty said.  
  
"They're just kidding. It's good" Miller said, taking another gulp as if that would prove he wasn't lying.

"At least someone appreciates me" Monty said. And then he blushed.  
  
Clarke stifled a giggle. How long had this been going on?  
  
Once she was drunk enough, the moonshine didn't taste so bad, really. But once she thought that, she knew it was time to cut herself off.  
  
Everyone was talking, laughing. Clarke was enjoying herself. She was glad she came.  
  
When she went inside to use the bathroom again, she found herself smiling. She looked in the mirror and saw that her cheeks were a little flushed from the alcohol, her eyes a little glassy.  
  
When she came out, she found the other Blake in the kitchen.  
  
"Hey" he said. He mirrored her. His cheeks had a little blush. His eyes were a little hooded.  
  
"Hey" Clarke said back.  
  
"Look, I wanted to talk to you. Privately."  
  
"Okay" she said. She made no move to leave and neither did he. They stood in the kitchen. Bellamy leaned against the counter. Clarke sat down in one of the kitchen chairs.  
  
"I wanted to apologize for last night. I was being a dick. You don't owe me an explanation. Like you said, you don't owe anyone anything. I shouldn't have yelled at you. And I'm sorry."  
  
"It's okay...I-I'm sorry too."

"You don't have to apologize to me. You don't have to apologize to anyone. And when I said welcome back the other night? I hope you know I meant it."  
  
"I did- I do."  
  
They looked at each other for a few seconds. Clarke knew that this was the moment. If she was ever going to apologize, it had to be now.  
  
"I'm sorry" she whispered.  
  
"What?" he asked.  
  
"I'm sorry" she said a little louder. "I-I'm sorry for leaving like I did, but I knew I could because, because..." Suddenly she felt like if she didn't stop talking she would cry. And she hated crying. So she stopped.  
  
Bellamy slowly walked over to her and crouched down so that he was looking up at her. He grabbed one of her hands between both of his.  
  
"Hey, hey- look at me" he said. She tried. She could feel the tears pooling in her eyes.  
  
"You don't have to apologize. You don't even have to explain. I know why you left. I know that you _needed_ that. And even though I didn't- I don't understand why you didn't come back sooner...why you didn't call...why you didn't return anyone's messages, you don't have to explain. It's your life Clarke. You had to make the best choices for yourself."

She felt on tear slide down her face. Then another shorty after.  
  
"It's been a long time. I'm not twenty-two anymore" he said. He was still holding her hand. She placed the one he wasn't holding on top of one of his. "I was so angry at you for leaving....But I stopped feeling that way. I'm not mad at you. I know we're basically strangers but, I want to know you again. I want us to be friends."  
  
"I want that too..."  
  
"Okay well first you've got to stop crying. You know how I feel about that" He joked.  
  
Clarke laughed a little. Of all ways she imagined this conversation going, this wasn't one. Could they be friends? After everything? She wasn't sure but she did want to try.  
  
Bellamy stood up. "We should probably join the others now."  
  
She nodded. As he turned to go, she grabbed his hand.  
  
"Bellamy, wait!"  
  
He turned and looked at her.  
  
"I- I have to tell you something."  
  
"What is it?"

"Um. Is there anywhere else we could talk? I-I don't really want anyone else to know.."  
  
He thought about it for a few minutes.  
  
"Do you want to go for a walk? Or are you too drunk for that?"  
  
She tried to smile.  
  
"No, a walk sounds good."  
  
"Okay I'm gonna go tell everyone so they don't come looking. Do you want anything?"  
  
"Maybe some water. Oh, and a snack to soak up some of this alcohol?"  
  
"Okay. Be right back."  
  
Clarke couldn't believe she was about to do this. But after everything he had said, she felt like she owed him the truth. He should know why she came back.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title inspired by "5 am" by Amber Run.
> 
> Soooo, finally some real Bellarke interaction!!! And some more Octavia/Aurora/Clarke angst!!  
> Next chapter, you guys will finally find out about what Clarke's been up to for the past 8 years. And depending on how long I decide to make the chapter, possibly Bellamy as well.
> 
> I know this chapter was A LOT longer than the first three. I tried to keep the first couple of chapters between 5,000-6,000 words, but this one was almost twice as long. I hope that's okay with you guys, if not I can keep the chapters shorter. 
> 
> I've appreciated the feedback I've gotten from you guys. Seriously, you're awesome <3


	5. I was a heavy heart to carry (But he never let me down)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *PLEASE READ*  
> This chapter contains a lot of "dark" subjects, so please be warned, if any of the following trigger/bother you, you might want to skip this chapter: abuse, stalking, harassment, mentions of suicide, drug use/drug addiction.

The sun was starting to set, painting the sky different shades of orange and yellow.  
  
They walked in silence for a few minutes. Clarke finished the snack Bellamy had brought her. She wasn't sure how she would start the conversation, how she would tell him everything. She wasn't sure she could. They only other person that knew was Raven. But even she didn't know the whole story.  
  
There was no easy way to do it. She had to dive right in if she was going to do this.  
  
"When I left...I decided to go to Chicago because I had already been there once. I went there with my parents when I was about 10. It was for some convention that my dad had to go to. And all I could remember was that there were so many people. It was the exact opposite of Arkadia. I didn't know anyone. No one knew me. I guess that's what drew me there in the first place.."  
  
She paused. She was looking straight ahead. They were strolling through Jasper and Monty's neighborhood. Bellamy was looking at her, giving her time to collect her thoughts before she continued.

"I decided to go to school to be a doctor. It was something I was familiar with...and I knew it would make my mom proud. I called her a few days after I left, and of course she was freaking out, but once I told her about my plans she agreed. She bought me an apartment on the outskirts of Chicago and she paid my tuition. She made sure I had enough money to pay for everything so I wouldn't have to work, so I could focus on school. She sold her house and a year later, she was in Chicago too."  
  
"Honestly, I hated it after the first few months. But school was interesting. And so I thought I would get used to it. The first three or so years were good. I made new friends, I tried new things. I dated a nice girl but it didn't work out. In the summer my mom took me to Europe..."  
  
"I-I felt bad about not contacting anyone. But at the time, I thought that if I ignored everyone from here it would make it easier for me to move on...and it did. Eventually all of you stopped trying to talk to me. Don't get me wrong, I-I missed all of you" she looked at the ground "especially you but...I was convinced that I would never move on from this- from you- if I let any of you back in. So I didn't."  
  
He wasn't looking at her anymore. Both of them were looking straight ahead.  
  
"Anyway, like I said, the first three years were good. And then, then I met this guy. Finn. And suddenly everything was better. I didn't hate Chicago anymore. I had a lot friends. I was doing really well in school. I had Finn. I hadn't met anyone like him before, so I fell pretty fast, pretty hard. Everything was perfect. We were together for three whole years. And then I met Raven."

She still couldn't believe that Raven had come into her life the way she did.  
  
"Finn was also in school to be a doctor, that's how we met. Then one day, his parents came to Chicago, from California, to surprise him. We were at his apartment when they came over. Raven was with them. Long story short, I found out I was the other woman. Raven had actually come with them because she was moving to Chicago, for him. They had been together pretty much their whole lives. All hell broke loose and I was obviously heartbroken. I was so angry. So angry at him for making me the other woman. I broke it off."  
  
"A few nights later I ran into Raven. I thought she would hate me but she didn't. She knew I didn't know about her. She was planning on leaving because she'd broken up with him too, but she didn't know where to go. So I asked her if she wanted to stay with me. And for some crazy reason, she agreed. Somehow we became best friends. Finn tried to apologize, to both of us. But we became friends pretty quickly so neither one of us wanted to take him back."  
  
"At first it was okay. I was heartbroken but I had Raven. We helped each other through it, but it was worse for her because Finn was the closest thing she had to family. But after a few months, Finn became more persistent. I didn't want to bring it up to Raven because I thought it would hurt her, you know? They had been together way longer than we had, yet he let her go pretty easily. Me, not so much."  
  
She looked over at Bellamy to see his reaction. He looked a little worried but he said nothing, so she continued.

"At first it was just things like calling me all the time, buying me gifts and bringing them to school, like that would win me back. I told him to back off, kindly at first. But he didn't. Like he actually couldn't understand why I didn't want to be with him anymore. We were in our junior year of school, but it got so bad I decided to transfer. I didn't tell anyone why."  
  
"After that, I thought that he would finally get the message. But he didn't. He started showing up at my new school. Leaving roses on my car every few weeks. By then, I had gotten over him, so I was pretty pissed off. I finally stopped being nice. I told him to leave me alone. I screamed at him. I told him I would get a restraining order if he didn't."  
  
"My senior year of medical school, I got a part time job at this hospital in Chicago that offered to hire me as a doctor when I graduated. I was comfortable there since I'd done all my clinicals and practice there. A few months later, Finn got the same job. I knew it was because of me, but he claimed he didn't know. And suddenly he was everywhere I was. And he still tried to get me to take him back. When I couldn't take it anymore, I finally told Raven. She was upset. Not because he hadn't tried to get her back, but because he was harassing me. She cornered him one day and told him to leave me alone. That made him pretty angry."  
  
"He started acting even worse. Pretty much following me by that point. But whenever I freaked out he claimed he was just trying to be my friend. He wooed my co-workers, my mother. No one could understand why I seemed to hate him. One day he asked me to marry him and I just lost it. I punched him. Told him I was definitely getting a restraining order. He laughed and said how could I? We worked at the same place. After he said that, I quit on the spot."

"After graduation, I got a job at a different hospital. I changed my phone number, twice. But somehow he always found out. One night he actually followed me home. I told him that I would get a restraining order the next day. Before that, he had never been violent but after I said that he shoved me against a wall and told me that it would never work. That he'd find a way around it."  
  
Clarke was shivering now. It was a little chilly, but it was mostly because of the story. She had never told anyone.  
  
"That night, he called me again. I picked up to tell him that I was about to call the police but then....then he threatened to kill himself if I did. I couldn't do it. So I told him I wouldn't if he left me alone. He promised he would but a few weeks later, he was back at it. He transferred hospitals, got a job on the same floor as me. I couldn't take it so I quit. Again."  
  
"I hated him. I actually liked that job and he took it away from me. He took a lot of things. I was afraid to go anywhere. I threw my cellphone away and never got a new one just so he couldn't call me anymore. I spent my days inside. He would come by when he knew Raven was at work and just sit there, in front of my door. One night, I opened my door because by that time I had felt crazy. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. I told him I was calling the police, going through with the restraining order. He laughed in my face and said he knew I didn't have a cell phone. And then he said that if I went through with the restraining order, he really would kill himself and that his blood would be on my hands."

"He left because he knew I couldn't go through with it. When Raven came home that night, I finally broke down. She knew something was going on. I told her enough for her to understand. I had to leave, I wanted to move. I had been thinking about it for a while. And she decided to come with me so...that's how we ended up here. That's why I came home. Yeah, I could have gone anywhere in the world but...all I wanted was to be safe. And when I thought of safe, I thought of home. Of Arkadia. So the next day, I went through with the restraining order anyway and a few days later we moved here."  
  
She felt like she had talked for hours. Surprisingly, she didn't feel like crying. She actually felt better. Like someone had finally lifted whatever was sitting on her chest for the past few years.  
  
He was quiet for a few minutes. She didn't say anything. It was a lot to take in.  
  
"Is that everything?" he asked, like he knew she was hiding something else.  
  
"A few days ago, I found a rose on my car. He used to do that, so I kind of freaked out. It was that night, at the bar? I chalked it up to a coincidence. Tried to forget about it. But then, there was another one. And then I got a text message asking if I liked my presents..."  
  
He was looking at her now.  
  
"Did you tell anyone?"

"No..I called my mom and she said she saw him a few days ago. I lied to her and told her I was in New Mexico, and she told him the same thing when he asked about me. So I really don't think he's here...and I called Miller and checked that the restraining order was still valid, and it is, so I don't think he'd be stupid enough to risk it. But I don't know. I don't know who else would do that. I don't know how he would have found out I was here...I never told him."  
  
The relief that had come with the story was gone now. After telling him about the flowers, panic seized her chest again. She stopped walking and sat down on the curb. After a few minutes he joined her.  
  
"Clarke..."  
  
"It's fine Bellamy. Everything's okay. I mean, I'm pretty sure he doesn't know where I am. And I have a gun...I didn't tell you all of this because I'm scared; like I said, I don't think he's actually here. I told you because you deserve to hear the truth. You were right. I was lying about why I had come back. But I...I don't feel safe anywhere else. And I swear, as soon as we got here I started feeling better. I'm sleeping now. I'm eating. I don't feel like I constantly have to look over my shoulder. I wanted to feel safe, and for the first time in years, I actually do."  
  
He was quiet.  
  
"And-and I can never take back what I did. I'm sorry for ignoring you. I'm sorry for leaving like I did...and I just want you to know, I want you to understand...because I do want to stay. I want to stay here. I want to be safe. I want to be friends with you guys again..."  
  
They just sat there for a few minutes before he suggested that they head back.

Clarke wasn't panicking anymore. She felt okay. Better than okay, really. She was glad that somebody finally knew.  
  
After walking silently for a while, he spoke up.  
  
"I'm not really sure what to say, honestly....that's really fucked up, Clarke. I'm sorry that happened to you. And I'm sorry for pushing you to talk about it the other night. I didn't think- I didn't think anything like that would ever happen to you" he said.  
  
Clarke just nodded. _Me either.  
_  
"But you are...you're safe here. You've got people who care about you. I care about you. And I'm sure this must be hard for you..after everything...but you know that if you ever need anything, you can come to me? Right? You know that?"  
  
She smiled. "Yeah, Bellamy...I-I know...thank you."  
  
"But just to be safe...I could ask around? See if anyone has noticed someone new hanging around?"  
  
"You don't have to, Bellamy. I don't think he's here."  
  
They walked in silence once again. They were almost at Jasper's house when Bellamy grabbed her hand and pulled her body towards his.  
  
He hugged her.  
  
And this time, it felt like it used to. Not like the first time he hugged her, a couple of nights ago. For some reason, it made her want to cry.  
  
"I know you can take care of yourself. I know you're more than capable of that. But you know...you know I'd do anything for you, to protect you. Right?"  
  
And with that, she began to cry. She cried for herself, for Raven. For how she treated her friends. 

* * *

 

He let her cry until she was ready to stop. He didn't say anything. He held her until she pulled away. And then they went and joined their friends again.  
  
Clarke hoped that they couldn't tell she'd been crying. She was already starting to feel a little embarrassed about it. She knew Bellamy hated seeing her cry, he always did.  
  
The only person that looked at them a little strangely was Octavia. But it didn't last long.  
  
They were all still drinking. Jasper, Monty and Miller were obviously very drunk. Everyone else just looked a little tipsy.  
  
Clarke decided that she wanted to be drunk too. She'd already drank enough to guarantee she wouldn't be driving home tonight. _Might as well_ , she thought. Telling Bellamy about Finn had made her feel better, really. But she wanted to forget about it. She wanted to be a normal girl, getting drunk with her friends. Not someone who couldn't stop thinking about all the ways they'd been hurt by an ex. So she accepted another cup of moonshine and tried to join in on the conversation.  
  
The sun had set. The only reason they weren't sitting in complete darkness was because of the porch light. Eventually they decided to move their party inside; they were all tired of Jasper complaining about mosquitoes.  
  
They all sat around the living room, still drinking. 

"We should play a drinking game" Octavia said. Everyone (besides Clarke) groaned. Clarke looked to Harper in confusion.  
  
"Octavia always convinces us to play some drinking game, and then about half of us end up throwing up from drinking so much" Harper says.  
  
"I don't really feel like throwing up tonight. Besides, most of us are pretty drunk already, so what's the point?" Murphy added.  
  
"The point is, I wanna have some fun" Octavia answers.  
  
"Why don't we do something different? Murphy's right. Most of us are pretty drunk right now. Why don't we just tell stories and drink as we go?" Monty suggests.  
  
"What kind of stories?" Octavia asked.  
  
"I don't know, whatever the hell we want? Funny? Embarrassing? I have a lot of those" said Jasper.  
  
"Fine...but they better be good stories. Who's first?"  
  
No one spoke up. Clarke really didn't want to share any more secrets tonight. _Oh well. Think of something innocent.  
_  
"Okay" Murphy says, "I'll start. I'll tell you guys a story, but then I get to ask someone a question and they have to tell us the story? Wait, that makes sense right?"

"Yeah, it does. Either that or we're all so drunk that it actually makes sense....even if it doesn't" Harper said. Then she laughed at her own joke.  
  
Murphy launches into a story about his first time. A few people groan but the story is entertaining enough that eventually everyone tunes in to listen.  
  
"All right! You heard it. You heard my embarrassing 16 year old sex story. Who's next? How about you Miller? Tell us about your first time" Murphy says.  
  
And so he does. After he's finished, he asks Jasper to tell them about his. They go around in a circle until the reach Bellamy.  
  
"No way" he says.  
  
"Come on man! We're all telling ours!" Murphy says.  
  
"Yeah well, you guys don't have a little sister sitting here with you" he replies. Octavia huffs at that, goes on a rant about how she's not _THAT_ much younger than he is, that she knows, that he shouldn't be weird about it.  
  
As usual, she gets her way and he doesn't make her leave while he tells them. Clarke tries not to feel awkward, or listen too intently. She had already heard this story. She asked him a long time ago.  
  
After he's done, Octavia decides to go next. Bellamy walks out of the room and says that he'll be back in exactly 5 minutes, and that she better be done by then. Everyone laughs.

Clarke had heard this story too. She remembers Octavia calling her right after she had sex for the first time. She was 15 and she'd actually done it with one of Bellamy's best friends. Atom.

When Bellamy found out, he beat Atom up and then he and Murphy hung him (by his wrists) from a tree and left him there (He didn't hang there for too long, someone had called the cops and they cut him down after about 20 minutes. He didn't tell them who'd done it). After that, he broke up with Octavia. That was the first time her and Bellamy got into a 'serious' argument. Clarke had witnessed them arguing multiple times. But that was their first big fight. Eventually Bellamy apologized, but Octavia ignored him for an entire month after that. She only forgave him when she decided that Atom was a loser ("If he doesn't like me enough to fight for me then screw him" she'd said).  
  
When Bellamy came back, it was Harper's' turn. Clarke was dreading the next few minutes. She knew she would have to go. But she was not telling them. _No way. I'd rather shave my head._  
  
After Lincoln and Monty went, everyone looked at Clarke. Waiting. Everyone except for Bellamy.  
  
"Um..can I skip? I'll drink a whole cup of moonshine just...I don't...I don't really want to" she said.  
  
The only person that complained was Murphy, saying that it wasn't fair.  
  
Jasper and Monty came to her rescue though. They knew. She told them after it happened. It was different for everyone else, the person they had their first time with wasn't sitting in that room. Clarke's was, though.

"Okay, well how about your first kiss?" Harper asked. Trying to make Clarke feel less awkward. Not knowing that story was only a little less awkward than her first time.  
  
To Clarke's surprise, Octavia burst out laughing. Monty and Jasper joined shorty after.  
  
"I don't get it? What am I missing?" Harper asks.  
  
"We were all there" Octavia said. She looked at Clarke and smiled. She actually, genuinely smiled at her. Clarke couldn't help but smile back, even if she was a little embarrassed.  
  
"Well are you gonna tell us or what?" Miller asks.  
  
"LET ME! I can tell you guys exactly what happened!" Octavia said.  
  
_Oh great_ , Clarke thought. But she couldn't help herself from smiling at the tiny little shift in their relationship. _Maybe she will forgive me. Maybe we can be friends again._  
  
As Octavia launches into the story, Clarke secretly thinks about it. She could remember it perfectly.

* * *

 

She was 13 years old. She was sitting on Octavia's couch, wedged between Jasper and Monty. Octavia was sitting on the coffee table in front of the, telling them about how she had finally had her first kiss.  
  
Clarke was a little pissed. Octavia was almost two full years younger than her. She was only 11 years old! It wouldn't bother her as much if Jasper and Monty hadn't already had their first kisses, too. Jasper was a year older than Clarke, yes, but Monty was her age. A few months younger, actually.  
  
She tried to be happy for Octavia. She had been kissed. But Clarke couldn't help but feel a little jealous.  
  
"Wow Clarke, so you're the only one who hasn't had their first kiss yet" Octavia said after she was done telling them her story (in very descriptive detail).  
  
Scratch that. Clarke wasn't happy for Octavia at all now. And she was definitely jealous.  
"So? What's the big deal?" Clarke asked.  
  
They all continued to talk about Clarke being the only one who hadn't been kissed, like suddenly they were all cooler than she was.  
  
"You know what? I don't care. I can kiss anyone anytime. It's not that big of a deal for me." She lied. It was a big deal, and she really did want to kiss someone, if only to say she'd done it.  
  
"Fine then, Clarke" Jasper said "Kiss me. I'll be your first kiss."

Clarke pretended to gag. "No thank you. I would rather kiss a slug than kiss you!"  
  
She was not about to have a pity first kiss.  
  
"Okay well then...."Octavia said. “I have an idea. You say you can kiss anyone? I dare you to kiss Bellamy."  
  
Jasper and Monty oo'd.  
  
"B-Bellamy? Your brother?" Clarke asked stupidly.  
  
"That's the one" Octavia smirked.  
  
No way. She could not do that. She and Octavia had only really been friends for the past two years. Octavia was younger, they didn't have any classes together. But Octavia had been good friends with Monty, who was Jasper's best friend, who was friends with Clarke. They ended up getting along pretty well, and now they spent almost every weekend having sleepovers at each other's houses. But she barely knew Bellamy. In fact, he went out of his way to ignore her whenever she was at their house.  
  
Bellamy was older. Way older. Probably like 3-4 years, Clarke thought. She had heard him say that he was 16 a few weeks ago, but once she had heard Octavia tell someone that Bellamy had a birthday close to New Year's Eve. That would mean that he was almost 4 years older.  
  
"What is it Clarke? Are you scared?" Octavia asked smiling. _Um yes?_ _He would probably push me if I tried to kiss him_. But she wasn't about to admit that. 

Jasper and Monty started calling her a scardey-cat and that made her even more pissed than she already was.  
  
"Fine! I'll do it. I'll kiss him and then all of you will look stupid for calling me scared!" Clarke yelled.  
  
"We'll see about that. I really don't think you will but okay" Octavia said, smiling.  
  
"Where is he?" Clarke asked.  
  
"In his room. But he doesn't let anyone in there...so how about the next time he comes down the stairs, you kiss him? It has to be in front of us so we know you're not lying" Octavia smirked at her again.  
  
God she really did know how to piss Clarke off. "Fine!"  
  
Clarke acted brave, mostly because she loved proving her friends wrong. And she hated when anyone called her scared. But she also hated that they were bragging. If she kissed Bellamy she would shut them up.  
  
However, no matter how much she wanted to stick it to her friends, she prayed that Bellamy wouldn't come down the stairs. Or that her mother would come get her and take her home.  
  
About an hour later, Bellamy came down the stairs. Clarke felt like she was about to throw up. Octavia, Jasper and Monty looked at her, but she couldn't get up. She only had a few more seconds to catch him before he went into the kitchen.

It wasn't until Octavia raised her eyebrow and gave the boys a look that said ' _I told ya so_ ' that Clarke scrambled off the couch.  
  
"Bellamy! Wait!" She practically yelled it at him.  
  
He turned and (as usual) gave her an annoyed look. "What?"  
  
But before she could chicken out she walked right up to him, stood on her tiptoes, closed her eyes and kissed him.  
  
It lasted for a few seconds before Bellamy pulled away from her.  
  
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"  
  
Clarke opened her eyes and looked at him. He looked even more annoyed than before (if that was possible).  
  
"Um...it...it was an experiment" Clarke said. Because she couldn't think of anything better to say.  
  
Octavia, Jasper and Monty all started laughing. Bellamy glared at them before returning his eyes to Clarke.  
  
"Don't ever do that again" he said. After that, he went to the kitchen.

 _Oh my god. That wasn't so bad. He didn't even shove me. And it wasn't even like two seconds? It must have been at least five? Oh my god! I just had my first kiss! And it was Bellamy!_  
  
She went back to Octavia and the boys. They were all looking at her like they couldn't believe she actually did that.  
  
"I told you it wasn't a big deal" Clarke said, shrugging her shoulders.  
  
That was the first time she had kissed Bellamy Blake. After that, she could never look at his lips in quite the same way.

* * *

 

"And then she literally sat down and said 'I told you it wasn't a big deal' and we all lost our shit and talked about how cool she was for the next year" Octavia said, laughing.  
  
Everyone was laughing now, even Bellamy.  
  
"Did you seriously say 'don't ever do that again'?" Lincoln asked him, clutching his stomach.  
  
Bellamy nodded, smiling. Everyone started laughing again. Clarke was blushing but she couldn't stop herself from looking at Bellamy and smiling. No matter how many times they told that story, it was entertaining.  
  
"But she did though, didn't she?" Murphy said, smirking. Even though he knew damn well she did.  
  
Most of them had stopped laughing by then. Half of them looking at her, the other half at Bellamy. Clarke coughed. "Um, I better get home. Is anyone okay enough to drive?"  
  
"Why don't you spend the night?" Monty asked.  
  
She thought about it. "I would but, I just feel a little uncomfortable in this outfit. Besides, I don't know what time Raven's getting home so...I should probably go."  
  
"I can take you" Bellamy said. He hadn't drank as much as the rest of them, "I should head home anyway, I can drop you off on the way."  
  
"Okay" Clarke said. Even though the idea made her a little nervous. She said her goodbyes and followed Bellamy out the door.

"Is it okay if we go on my motorcycle? If you're not sure I can always borrow one of their cars?"  
  
"Why don't we take my car?" She suggested before she had even thought about it.  
  
"Uhh, because I don't feel like walking home?" He said.  
  
Clarke realized what she had said. She blushed and laughed a little. "Right. I forgot about that. Um, yeah, let's take your bike."  
  
He got on and she followed. He gave her his helmet and she put it on. She hesitated for a few seconds before wrapping her arms around his torso.  
  
It didn't take long to get home. She felt great. She had forgotten how much of a thrill it was, riding a motorcycle.  
  
"How do you take Abel anywhere with this thing?" She asked when she got off.  
  
"What? Oh my god do you actually think I put my four-year-old on this thing?" He asked her, incredulously.  
  
"No! I just meant- I- I" she stammered until he started laughing. He'd gotten off and they were walking to her front door.  
  
"I have a car, you know" he teased.  
  
"Shut up" she said. Playfully, of course. They were just standing in front of her door.

"So, are you gonna be okay tonight? Sleeping alone?"  
  
"Uh..yeah. I think so. I mean I'll be fine. I slept alone before Raven moved in so it's not that big of a deal. Are you good to go home?"  
  
"I came here so I think I'll be fine."  
  
"I know- I just, I just meant that if you wanted to you could.." she stammered.  
  
"Clarke, are you asking me to go to bed with you?" he smirked.  
  
"What? No! I just meant that if you didn't feel like going home you could sleep here. On the couch! Not with me, that's not what I meant, I swear, I meant the couch. And I only said that because you probably shouldn't be riding. But we did ride here so I guess you're fine" _OH MY GOD. YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN. STOP. JUST STOP._ She was probably 10 different shades of red right now.  
  
Bellamy laughed.  
  
"Relax. I was kidding. I know what you meant."  
  
"You are such a jackass."  
  
"Yeah, I know."

"Goodnight Bellamy."  
  
"Goodnight Clarke."  
  
And with that, he got on his bike and left. Clarke watched him go. She couldn't stop herself from smiling.  
  
She went inside and got ready for bed. When she crawled in, she thought about what a fun day she'd had. Even though she argued (well, not really) with Octavia, and she finally told someone about Finn, she was the happiest she'd been in a long time.  
  
She thought about her first kiss again. She thought about her conversation with Bellamy in the kitchen. She thought about the way he held her hand. Finally, she thought about their conversation by the door. She kind of wish he would have stayed.  
  
She shuddered. That was a dangerous thought to have.

* * *

 

Sunday morning, Bellamy woke up later than usual.  
  
_Probably the drinking._ Sometimes he had to remind himself that he wasn't in his early twenties anymore. He was almost 30. He showered and left for his mother's house.  
  
Every Sunday, literally _every_ Sunday, he ate brunch with his mother, Kane, Abel, Octavia and Lincoln (usually). Sometimes other people joined them, but for the most part it was just the six of them. They'd made it a ritual shortly after his mother and Kane had gotten married.  
  
The only person missing was Kane, so he was the last to arrive, they were all sitting at the table already. Abel ran to him as soon as he walked through the door and he picked him up, kissed him. It made him happy, no matter what, every single time -without fail.  
  
Even though he loved his son more than anything, more than anyone in the world, he had to admit that it was nice having a little time to himself. Abel was his first thought in the morning, his last thought before he went to bed. But being a single parent was hard.  
  
But he was lucky. He had his family. They loved Abel just as much as he did.  
  
He greeted everyone and sat down, joining the conversation. They typically stayed for a couple of hours after brunch. Usually until Kane left to open the garage. If he had to work, he left Abel at his mother’s if she was staying home. If not, they took him with them. When he didn't have to work, he took him home or to the park. Every couple of Sunday's, he'd try something new. He didn't want Abel just sitting around the house watching cartoons or playing by himself.

Since Kane had closed the garage for the weekend, he had the afternoon off, and it was another beautiful day, so he'd planned to take Abel to the park for a bit.  
  
Lincoln left around midday, he had a shift at the tattoo parlor he worked at. Bellamy stayed there for a little while longer. He was drinking another cup of coffee, watching Octavia play some game with Abel when his mother sat down next to him at the dining room table.  
  
Her mother and Kane had a nice house, a big one. Growing up, he, Octavia and his mother lived in a kind-of shitty two story house, cramped between two other kind-of-shitty houses. They didn't exactly have the easiest childhood. His father had left his mother when he was just a baby. He didn't remember him at all. He didn't want to.  
  
His mother had re-married, but Octavia's father left shorty after she was born. He did remember him, but he was just another dead-beat, nothing like a father figure to him. His mother had to work two jobs to support them, they didn't have anyone else. He got his first job when he was 14 so that he could help his mother out.  
  
But despite all that, they got by. They were close. His mother was fiercely protective of them, and she did the best she could but most of his life had been centered around Octavia. When his mother wasn't around, he was responsible for her. He made sure she had enough to eat. He made sure she did her homework. He made sure she stayed out of trouble.  
  
They did pretty well for themselves.

His mother had started seeing Kane when Bellamy was 22. At first, it wasn't anything serious. By that time, his mother had become weary of men. After Octavia's dad had left her, she had a few failed relationships until giving up all together. Bellamy recalled her telling him that some people were just meant to end up alone. It had upset him, at the time. His mother was a great woman. She was beautiful and smart. She worked hard and had a kind heart. How could she be meant to end up alone? Now that he was almost 30, he understood.  
  
Her relationship with Kane had a rocky start. She was convinced that he would turn out like the rest, so she pushed him away. But he stayed. He kept trying. He actually made an effort with Octavia, with him. None of the others had done that.  
  
Once Bellamy and Octavia had accepted Kane, so had their mother. He made an effort, but he didn't push. He knew there were boundaries and he respected them. Eventually they had slowly let him into their family. It took years, but Kane remained patient. And then he was suddenly part of the family. He was the closest thing Bellamy had to a father. He treated his mother well, he treated Octavia well. He offered guidance. He helped Bellamy through his early twenties. And no matter how many times he fucked up, Kane never gave up on him.  
  
When Kane had told him that he wanted to marry his mother, Bellamy had almost cried. He couldn't believe that Kane had been with them through some of their toughest years, and that he actually wanted to stick around for more. 

After they got married, Kane changed the name of his place to _Kane-Blake'_ s without telling any of them. They were all pretty shocked but he said it was a _family business_. That night, they went to a fancy restaurant to celebrate. Octavia asked him why did didn't have kids of his own, and did he ever want to?

"I already do" he answered, looking at Octavia and Bellamy.  
  
Seeing his mother with Kane, he understood why it had never worked out with anyone else. They were perfect for each other.  
  
Now that Bellamy had his own family, his own home, and Octavia lived with Lincoln, Kane and his mother lived here alone. They had a room for Abel, though. They had practically begged Bellamy to let Abel stay there a couple times a month. Eventually, he started staying with them almost every weekend. They loved him. They took care of him. He called Kane _grandpa._  
  
"So, what do you have planned for today?" Aurora asked, pulling him back to reality.  
  
"Not much. Probably gonna head out soon, take Abel to the park" he answered.  
  
"Just you and him?"  
  
"What?"  
  
She gave him that look, the one that said _I know you heard me, Bellamy Blake.  
_  
"Yeah...just us. Who the hell else would I take?"  
  
"I have a few ideas" she said, giving him a displeased look.

Bellamy shook his head. His mother was protective. Sometimes overly-so, to the point where he would have to let her know that he was a grown ass man.  
  
"Don't give me that look, Bellamy. I saw you talking to her the other night" she said.  
  
"So? I talk to her and what? Suddenly I invite her to spend the day with me and my son?" he was already tired of this. His mother hadn't really brought Clarke up since she'd been back, but he'd known she had just been waiting for the right opportunity.  
  
"I'm just making sure" she said, "I worry."  
  
"Well you don't really need to."  
  
"I'm serious Bellamy" she set her mug down and put her hands on the table, "I don't want you getting mixed up with that girl again."  
  
He looked away from Abel, looked at his mother instead.  
  
"You don't have to worry about that."  
  
"Why? Because you don't plan on getting mixed up with her again or because you don't think it's my business?"  
  
"Both. Neither. I don't know" he shrugged.  
  
"Bellamy..." she was glaring at him now "I'd appreciate it if you took this seriously."

"Why? Jesus Christ mom. I'm not some stupid 20 year old anymore. Why are we even having this conversation? I don't really think it's any of your business."  
  
"Oh? None of MY business? I'm your mother. I'm Abel's grandmother. I have every right to be concerned!" she said, angrily.  
  
"Okay but you don't have a reason to be. Clarke and I aren't teenagers anymore. That was forever ago. We've both moved on. She's different. She's better."  
  
"Oh is that so? Then why the hell is she lying about why she came here, Bellamy? Why is she carrying a gun?"  
  
"She's not lying. She told me why she was here and I accepted it. You don't know, so you can't understand."  
  
"Well, please do tell! Enlighten me! What has she gotten herself into this time? What does she need you to fix?"  
  
Bellamy could feel himself getting angry. He rarely fought with his mother nowadays. When he was younger, they fought a lot, mostly about Clarke. About his life choices. He couldn't believe she was about to start with this shit again.  
  
"Frankly, mom, it's none of your business. And she doesn't need shit from me. Why am I even explaining myself? My relationship with Clarke has nothing to do with you. It never did."  
  
"Relationship?"

"Jesus. I don't mean it like that. I meant like- our friendship."  
  
Aurora was shaking her head at him. "I can't believe you’re going to do this to yourself. Again! Have you completely forgotten about all the shit she put you through? What you two did to each other?"  
  
He had a quick temper. It had gotten him into trouble, time and time again. He got it from his mother though. The thought made him smile.  
  
She glared at him.  
  
"Look", he said, grabbing her hand "You don't have to worry. I promise. We talked, that was it. She really is different now. But so am I. Nothing is going on between us, okay? I know that you're just worried, I know, and I appreciate it. But it's nothing I can't handle. So please, please calm down. Don't start shit with Clarke. It's not like it was before, okay?"  
  
She finally seemed to calm down. She shook her head. "Okay, Bellamy. I trust that you're responsible enough to make the right decisions. I won't bother Clarke. But I really hope that you remember how it was before."  
  
He nodded.  
  
"And Bellamy? I worry about you because I love you. I'm your mother. You might be able to forgive her, but I don't know if I can. So I would really appreciate it if you kept your distance from that girl. You will, if you know what's good for you. For your family" she added before getting up.

"Love you too. I know."  
  
He wasn't sure why that rubbed him the wrong way. It wasn't like it was 8 years ago, when he'd stick up for Clarke because he loved her. He wasn't even sure why this conversation had bothered him at all; it wasn't like he was planning on being with her.

* * *

 

He left shortly after that. He took Abel to the park. There was a little playground and a trail. Sometimes he would play, other times they would just walk the trail together until Abel was tired and asked to go.  
  
There were a few people at the park when they'd gotten there. He looked around and noticed a few school-aged kids playing on the playground so they headed to the trail instead. It was a nice day.  
  
They walked slowly, and it usually took forever to go around once, mostly because Abel would stop every few feet and pick up a stick or a rock or a flower. Bellamy didn't mind. Abel was a curious kid.  
  
They'd made it about halfway through the trail when he heard someone running up behind them. He took Abel's hand and moved slightly to the right, so whoever it was could get by. But he heard them stop running so he turned to look.  
  
Clarke was a few feet behind them, removing her headphones.  
  
"Bellamy, hey" she said. Smiling.  
  
She was in a pair of leggings and an old ACDC t-shirt he recognized. Her hair was in a messy bun at the very top of her head, a few strands falling over her face, sticking to her face and neck.  
  
"Hey Clarke", she was the last person he expected to see here.

She walked a few steps towards them and put her hands on her knees, leaning down to talk to Abel. "Hi there, remember me?"  
  
"Yes" Abel answered, "You drew the dinosaur."  
  
"Yes, I did" she smiled, "did you like it?"  
  
He nodded.  
  
She stood up straight. "What're you guys doing here?" she asked, looking at Bellamy.  
  
"Walking, obviously" he smirked.  
  
"Very funny" she rolled her eyes.  
  
They turned to start walking again. She joined them. It surprised him a little.  
  
"What are you doing here? I didn't know you ran?" Bellamy asked.  
  
"Wow...thanks" Clarke said.  
  
He laughed. "I didn't mean that in a bad way. It's just that I specifically remember you saying that you hated running and that if I ever saw you running, I should run too because something was probably chasing you." 

Now it was her turn to laugh. He couldn't stop himself from joining her. Abel walked a few feet ahead of them.  
  
"Yeah well...things change" she said, looking at him. He wasn't sure if she was still talking about running, but he didn't question her.  
  
"They do."  
  
"I came here a few days ago. It was nice. I missed being outside, I missed the woods."  
  
He nodded. They walked in silence but it wasn't uncomfortable. After a few feet Abel stopped again and so did they.  
  
"He likes to stop a lot. Look around. This could take a while. I don't want to keep you, so if you wanna go ahead and run off, I'll understand."  
  
"No...I mean...I don't mind. I've already run a few laps so I think I'm good. I was gonna head home after this one but I don't mind walking with you guys. If..if that's okay with you? I'm sorry. I don't want to impose on your time together so..if, if you want me to go, I can, I really don't mind" she was rambling again.  
  
Bellamy couldn't help but smile. She was always so cute when she rambled. She must have realized she was, because her cheeks started turning pink.  
  
"Sorry....I, I don't know why I do that. Go on rants" She was looking down. 

He knew. She only rambled when she was really nervous. He wasn't sure why she was nervous right now, maybe because things were still a little awkward between them.  
  
He smiled at her. "It's okay Clarke...this is a weird situation. You're allowed to be uncomfortable. And you can join us, you're not imposing. We're just walking."  
  
She finally looked up and smiled at him. Abel started walking again, so they followed.

They didn't talk much. Just a comment every once in a while about Abel or the park. They usually walked the trail twice, but after the first lap Abel wanted to go play on the playground. When the playground came into view, the older kids had left so Bellamy told him he could.  
  
He had expected Clarke to leave when Abel ran off to the playground, but she didn't. She continued to walk beside Bellamy as they slowly made their way after Abel.  
  
It wasn't a very big playground. There were a couple of swings, a slide, and some tunnel-thing. Bellamy stayed close to Abel as he started climbing on. He noticed Clarke move to the end of the slide, standing close to where he'd stop when he came down the slide.  
  
When he slid down and landed at the end, she helped him off and smiled at him.  
  
"Was that fun?" she asked.  
  
"Yeah"  
  
"Are you gonna go again?"  
  
"Yeah"

And so he did. A few times. And each time he slid down, Clarke smiled at him and helped him off. _She's good with him_ , he thought. It didn't surprise him though. Clarke had always loved little kids.  
  
After he got tired of the slide he asked to swing. He was still way too small to actually swing, but Bellamy humored him. He placed him on the seat and pushed it a little. Not enough to be considered swinging. More like swaying. Either way, Abel seemed to enjoy it.  
  
Clarke sat down on the swing next Abel's. And after swaying there for a bit she actually began to swing in earnest.  
  
Bellamy couldn't help but laugh because she had this goofy grin on her face. And once she was really high, she looked down and said "Hey Abel! Look at me!" and he did. She started laughing, Abel giggled.  
  
The whole situation should have felt weird, but for some reason, it didn't. 

* * *

Clarke was enjoying herself. Probably more than she should have been. After she stopped swinging, she wondered vaguely if this was inappropriate.  
  
_I don't know. Are you supposed to hang out with an ex you haven't seen for 8 years and play with his son? Is that weird?_ She thought about it. Maybe it was a little weird. But it didn't feel that way. So she stayed.  
  
Suddenly, she wished she had worn something a little nicer to the park.  
  
After he got tired of swinging, Abel got off and just wandered around for a little bit. Picking up random things, looking at random things.  
  
She and Bellamy stayed by the swing set. She watched him watching Abel. _He's a good dad,_ she thought. She could just tell. The way his eyes never really left Abel, the way he talked to him, how patient he was. But she didn't expect any less. He had helped his mother raise Octavia. And Clarke knew first hand that he was a great brother. Only makes sense that he's a good father, too.  
  
She wanted to know more about Abel, about their life. But she wasn't sure if she could ask, just yet anyway. She didn't really know how to initiate the conversation so she stood in silence for a while.  
  
Eventually she decided to speak up, "So, do you guys do this a lot?"  
  
"Hm?" he turned and glanced at her. He must've been thinking about something.

"I asked if you guys did this a lot."  
  
"Oh, yeah. We come to the park at least twice a week. Sometimes more, if the weathers nice."  
  
"That's nice...what else do you guys do? I mean, how do you keep him entertained?" She hoped it was okay that she was asking so many questions.  
  
"Uh, depends really. I try to keep him busy so that he's not just sitting around. We come to the park, we walk around the neighborhood. I read to him. He likes to draw. And play with his toys, obviously. He has so many. And someone buys him another one every few weeks" he smiles a little. "Either my mother, or Kane, or Octavia or pretty much anyone at the garage. They are literally everywhere. All over his room. Hell, they're all over my place in general. He has some at the garage, at Octavia and Lincoln's apartment. And a ton at my mom’s. I pretty much can't go anywhere without stepping on one of his trucks or some shit" he laughs.  
  
Clarke could imagine it. She smiled.  
  
"Wow...he's loved by a lot of people, then. I can see it. He's a very sweet kid" she says.  
  
"Yeah, he's loved. And he is really sweet. He's smart too." Bellamy looked proud. The look on his face made Clarke's heart swell.

They continued watching him for a bit. Clarke wasn't sure if it was her place to ask about his mother. But she wanted to know. She really, really wanted to. She contemplated asking. Abel was far enough away so that he wouldn't hear exactly what they were talking about it.  
  
"Bellamy, can I ask you something? And if you don't want to answer, or talk about it, it's cool, I promise. You don't have to tell me" she said, her voice dropping a little.  
  
He looked at her like he knew exactly what she was going to ask him. And he probably did. He bit his bottom lip, something she remembered was a nervous gesture.  
  
He suddenly turned back to Abel. "Abel, come here" he said.  
  
_Oh my god. You crossed the line. You crossed the line! Now he's probably going to tell Abel it's time to go and leave you here. Shit.  
_  
Her apology was about to leave her lips when Abel reached them.  
  
"Why don't we go for one more walk, and then head home? Do you wanna do that?" Bellamy asked him.  
  
"Yeah" he nodded. He picked up a random stick on the ground and made his way towards the trail. Bellamy followed.  
  
Clarke wasn't sure if she was invited so she stood there for a few minutes.  
  
Bellamy turned and looked at her, "You coming?"  
  
"Oh, yeah...um, right behind you" she said. _Thank god._

* * *

 

"So what'd you want to ask me about?" Bellamy asked.  
  
"Um..Who- I mean, you're a single parent right? Can I...Can I ask why that is? What happened to his mother?"  
  
"She's still alive, if that's what you were curious about" he says. They were starting the trail now. He kept his eyes in front of him, on Abel.  
  
"Oh...um, where is she? Is she like...is she still in the picture?" _Ugh._ She hated the way that sounded.  
  
"Not really" he said.  
  
"Oh" She didn't really know where to go from there. It seemed like he didn't really want to talk about it. And she was _not_ going to push it. Their relationship was already on shaky ground. They had bonded yesterday, but just because she had told him about Finn didn't mean that he was obligated to tell her about Abel's mother.  
  
"I don't know if you remember her", he said, "She was from around here so maybe you do? Echo? Do you remember her?"

"Yeah, yeah I remember her" she said. Echo was a girl Bellamy's age. She had been friends with him. Clarke had a little been intimidated by her. Tall, curvy, pretty. She remembered how pissed off she had been when she witnessed them flirting once. Not that she had any right to be. At the time, Clarke was only 14, but she'd had a crush on Bellamy. A pretty big crush, so naturally she hated anyone else who liked him. And then again once more when they were dating. That time, she did have a right to be, and she let him know it.  
  
"We were never really serious. We dated on and off for a couple of years. And then, when I was 25, she got pregnant. We got serious. We decided to get married."  
  
_WHAT? SO HE ACTUALLY IS MARRIED?  
_  
She stopped walking. "You're married?" the thought upset her more than it should have.  
  
"No, not anymore. It didn't work out" he said, he had stopped too.  
  
Clarke was a little embarrassed about her reaction. She suddenly found the ground very interesting. Bellamy started walking again, so she did, too. Abel was still walking a few feet ahead of them, playing with the stick he had picked up.  
  
"What happened? I mean..that doesn't really explain why she's not in the picture?" she asked. She was feeling bold, for some reason.

"Uh...things were kind of shitty. I made a few stupid choices. She did too. She had started doing drugs while we were dating. I didn't really care, then, so I didn't try to stop her. Sometimes I'd join her. But then she got pregnant."  
  
"We decided to clean up our acts. She wanted to keep it; I wanted her to keep it. Things were good in the beginning. We got married when she was 4 months pregnant. It was okay. Everyone was excited. I was really excited. It didn't happen like I had imagined it would. Like I thought it should have, but it happened."  
  
"Anyway, things kind of went downhill between us. Pretty fast, actually. We weren't good for one another. We couldn't agree on anything. We wanted different things. Honestly I knew it would never work out. We were meant to be fuck-buddies, not husband and wife. Then I found out she was using again. Octavia had seen her talking to this drug dealer...."  
  
Clarke could tell that he was getting angry, his body was tense, and his fists were clenched. She waited for him to go on.  
  
"I was so fucking angry. First I went and beat the shit out of her drug dealer. He didn't understand why I was doing it- until I told him that the next time he sold drugs to my pregnant wife, I'd kill him. Anyway, I spent a few nights in jail for that. When I came home, she was freaking out. She knew I knew. She tried to deny it, like they always do. But then I checked her and found track marks between her fingers and her toes. More than anything though, I was angry at myself for not noticing sooner."

"I was so worried. I thought for sure that something would be wrong with the baby, but the next time we went in for a visit, they told us everything looked good. I was relieved, but I still felt like shit. I mean, how the hell was I supposed to raise a child when I didn't even notice that she was using?"  
  
Clarke grew nervous. She had a feeling that what he was telling her would only get worse.  
  
"Anyway, after that she swore to never use again. Promised all kinds of shit, but I didn't trust her anymore. I became a little over-bearing. She was pissed off but I didn't care. I kept a close eye on her. Pretty much everyone had known by then, so they all did too. It seemed like she really did stop."  
  
"And then one day my mother found her on the kitchen floor. She was passed out, bleeding everywhere. She freaked out, obviously, called 911 and Abel was born that night. He was premature, they kept him in an incubator for a while. He was born with a PDA, gastroschisis, immature lungs, all kinds of other issues. God, he was so tiny. Like I actually couldn't believe it. I was pretty convinced that he wouldn't make it. But he was lucky. You're a doctor, you know all about premature babies and drug use. So it could have been a lot worse."  
  
Clarke felt like she couldn't speak. And even if she could, she wouldn't know what to say to that. She had thought about Abel's mom a few times, she wondered. But she had never imagined this. 

"So after that, I pretty much hated her. I hated her so fucking much. She was a wreck after, but honestly I didn't really care. She cried a lot. When she saw him for the first time, so tiny in that little box, she really broke down. She felt guilty. After that, I tried to understand. I really did. She wasn't a bad person. She was addicted and I tried not to hold it against her, but it was pretty hard not to after seeing what she'd done. Either way, we shipped her off to rehab. She went willingly."  
  
"I got to take Abel home, eventually. I didn't have any problems with him but I basically lived in this constant state of fear that..that they'd missed something. That he would die. After his first few checkups, I started to relax a little. Everything looked good. He wasn't having any problems, really. My mom helped a lot. She basically lived at my place those first few months. She was pretty attached to him" he smiled, a little sadly.  
  
"She still is. Everyone was really supportive. And then a few months later, Echo came back. She was different, she looked better. She looked healthy. We were still technically married so...we tried to work it out, again. She moved back in. One day I came home, I think Abel was about 7 months old, and found him in the bathroom screaming his head off. He could barely sit up by himself and she had just left him there in the bathroom for God knows how long. She was asleep. I shook her awake, she pretended like it was because she was exhausted. But I knew."  
  
_Oh my god. This just keeps getting worse,_ Clarke thought. Abel had stopped again and Bellamy was studying him. They stood there for a few minutes before continuing their walk.

"By that point, I had no sympathy left for her. I hated her. I hated her more than anything in this entire fucking world. And not because of what she put me through, not because she lied to me. Not because of her addiction. I hated her for what she did to Abel. Something about finding him all alone like that broke me. I kicked her out. I filed for divorce and sole custody. She didn't even try to fight me. So I got my way. I told her I would never let her near Abel again. She moved after that."  
  
"I didn't hear from her for a whole year. Then one day she called me in the middle of the night, crying, apologizing. But I didn't care. I had Abel. I had my family. Being a new father was hard but Kane helped me through it. My mom was still there almost every day, checking on Abel, spending time with him. We already loved him so much, I knew he would be better off without her. I told her I didn't care, that I didn't want to talk to her ever again. Almost a year after that, I got a letter from her. She had checked herself into some long-term rehab facility somewhere in North Carolina."  
  
"She called me about six months ago. We caught up. After she'd gotten out, she went back to school and became a substance-abuse counselor. She still lives in North Carolina. She sounded good. I sent her some pictures of Abel, and luckily she didn't push for anything more. I still didn't trust her; I mean, I still don't. But I don't hate her anymore. I don't hold it against her, not anymore. I haven't heard from her since" he finally looked over at Clarke.

Clarke really, really don't know what to say. No idea. No clue. She had never expected this. She looked at Abel. She would never look at him the same. Not in a bad way, not in a judgmental way. But in awe.  
  
They were almost at the end of the trail. She needed to say something but she wasn't sure what.  
  
"Look, Bellamy. I don't really know what to say."  
  
"You don't have to say anything. It's pretty fucked up, I know."  
  
They were at the end of the trail now. They walked in silence on their way to the parking lot. She didn't want to leave it like this. She stood by his car while he put Abel in his car seat. He closed the door and turned to face her.  
  
"Thank you for telling me all of that."  
  
"Well, you did ask" he tried to smile.  
  
"I know...but you didn't have to tell me. You did though. And I'm glad."  
  
He nodded. "Well, we should get going. Thanks for keeping me company."  
  
"No problem. Thanks for letting me tag along."

He smiled. "See you around."  
  
She waved to Abel and said goodbye to Bellamy before getting in her car. She couldn't believe how much things had changed between them in the last two days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title inspired by "Heavy" by Florence + the Machine.
> 
> So, the truth is finally out! What do you guys think? I realize this is NOT a Finn (or Echo) friendly fic, but it had to be someone!
> 
> Also, I know Kane+Aurora is an unusual pairing, but honestly Kane's relationship with Bellamy is so special I just had to add that. 
> 
> Thank you guys for your feedback on the past few chapters, it means the world to me. <3
> 
> Any and all mistakes are my own. Thanks for reading :)


	6. They call to me but never touch my heart now (I am too far, I am too lost)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Please Read*  
> Part of this chapter gets (a little) dark, some general warnings/triggers: depression, suicide, substance abuse. Also, this contains a little mild smut...so if that's not your thing...you might not like this. Thank you guys again for all of the feedback <3

Sunday night, Clarke sat on her couch, waiting for Raven to come home. Since she'd gotten back from the park, she couldn't stop thinking about what Bellamy had told her.  
  
At some point, she started to feel guilty. For not reaching out. For ignoring him. For pretending like he didn't exist. She's not sure that she could have done anything. But she could have been there for him. She could have called and checked in.  
  
He was there for her when she had needed him the most. He was there through her parents’ divorce. He was there when her father had died. He was there when she lost Wells. He was there when her life turned to shit. He was there.  
  
Of course she had thought about him, about all of them. She found herself wondering if they were doing well. If they had partners, or children. If they were going to college or working. If their parents were still alive, if they were heartbroken.  
  
But no matter how much she thought about it, no matter how much she actually cared, she hadn't called.  
  
_It's too late. You can't take it back._  
_You can only go from here._

* * *

Raven got home a little after 5 on Sunday in her new car. Well, technically it was used, but it was new to her.  
  
She parked it in front of the house, since Clarke's was in the driveway. Clarke let out a whistle from her place by the front door. It was a nice red Mustang. Totally a Raven car.  
  
"You like?" Raven asked, smiling.  
  
"I do. It's sexy" Clarke answered, pulling Raven in for a hug. "When are you taking me for a ride?"  
  
"Whenever you want, of course. It's amazing. It's only had one previous owner, it's in great shape, only a little over 40,000 miles! Kane helped me get such a good deal on it. I couldn't resist. I love it!" Raven said. They were still standing outside.  
  
After they admired it for a few more minutes, they headed inside.  
  
"So how was it?" Clarke asked. Raven went to set her purse and a bag she was carrying into her room. Clarke heard her opening the closet door, probably looking for a change of clothes.  
  
"It was amazing! There were a lot of people, and a lot of cars, obviously. We had so much fun. I can't actually believe I'm saying this. I literally had the best time with two old dudes" Raven yelled from her room. _  
_

Clarke smiled and Raven came back into the living room. She told Clarke about the rest of her weekend. Clarke loved seeing Raven like this.  
  
Whenever she was really excited about something, she went into a lot of detail. She used her hands to speak. She said everything either with or followed by a smile.  
  
When she was finished, she asked Clarke about her weekend. She was surprised when Clarke told her, but happy.  
  
"I'm glad Clarke...I really am. I'm glad you're making good progress" Raven teased.  
  
"So am I...and actually I ended up talking to Bellamy. Um, we had a pretty intense conversation so I told him. About Finn, I mean" she said. Raven noticed she kept clasping her hands only to unclasp them a few seconds later.  
  
"Yeah? That's...big. I mean, you didn't even tell your mom" Raven says.  
  
"I know, I know. But something made me want to tell him. I felt like he would understand, I felt like I should tell someone the truth, you know?" She asked.  
  
"Yeah, I guess I get it. What'd he say?"  
  
"Not much, really. He just listened and well...he was nice. He said that I could come to him if I needed help or whatever" she wasn't sure why but she couldn't exactly look at Raven right now. Probably because she didn't tell her about the flowers, about feeling uneasy.  
  
"Well that's nice of him" Raven said. Luckily, she didn't push Clarke. She rarely ever did.

"Yep...and then on Sunday I spent a little time with him and his son" she added. She risked peeking at Raven. She was looking a little concerned, a little confused.  
  
"Clarke..." she began to say.  
  
"It- it wasn't like that. I didn't even know they would be there. I ran into them at the park and...we just talked a little. Mostly just watched Abel play. It wasn't that big of a deal" Clarke said before Raven could finish her sentence.  
  
"Well, if you say so" Raven said.  
  
That rubbed Clarke the wrong way. But she let it drop. She didn't want to talk about Bellamy anymore. She wasn't sure if she could stop herself from telling Raven about what happened with Abel. She was sure that people around here knew, and maybe he wouldn't mind it if Raven did too, but she wasn't completely sure. Maybe he would.  
  
They sat around and talked for a little longer. They made dinner. Eventually Clarke decided to go to bed; she wanted to be well-rested for her first day of work.  
  
She was getting in bed when Raven opened her bedroom door.  
  
"Sorry, but I was just thinking...we never had a house-warming party or anything? We should do it this weekend! Celebrate moving in, our jobs, my new car?" She asked.

Clarke thought about it. I was a nice idea.  
  
"Okay, yeah, we should do that. How about this Friday night?" Clarke asked.  
  
"Yes! Sounds like a plan. We have to shopping and get stuff on Thursday. Oh! And who all are we going to invite?"  
  
"Hm...well, I guess the people we hang out with at the bar? And you could call people from work? If I meet anyone interesting this week, I could invite them?"  
  
"Okay, sounds great. Well I won't keep you up, goodnight! Oh, by the way, what's your schedule like?"  
  
"Um, I'll be working 6:30 to 7:30 on Monday's, Wednesday's and Fridays. I'll be on call every other weekend. But I can change it around, switch shifts and days if I want to."  
  
"Wow that's not bad at all? In Chicago you were at the hospital for like 100 hours every week."  
  
"I know! This is so much better. 13 hour shifts suck but at least I'll have a day in between, and every other weekend."  
  
"Yeah, that's great Clarke. Well, goodnight. Sleep tight. Don't let the patients bite."  
  
"Goodnight Raven" Clarke said, rolling her eyes but smiling at her best friend.

* * *

 

Clarke had a great first day of work. Well, as great as orientation could be. Clarke already knew a lot about the hospital, but she enjoyed getting to know the floors she would be working on. She met a few co-workers, she watched the mandatory videos and signed the paperwork. Everything went pretty smoothly.  
  
She was a little tired when she got home from work, but not much, considering that she mostly sat around and walked a little.  
  
She and Raven ate dinner and sat on the couch, watching Netflix (they stopped the BTVS re-watch, decided to finally watch Stranger Things so that they could understand the hype).  
  
The rest of the week flew by. Clarke was adjusting to her new position in the CCU, but she already liked it. Her co-workers were nice, she'd already become friendly with a few of them. Becca hadn't mentioned that Clarke would get her own office on the 9th floor, with a nice view, so that was pretty exciting.  
  
On her two days off, she did a little painting. She also did a little research to see if there was anything she'd missed in the medical world while she wasn't working. On Thursday, she went to the garage and surprised Raven with lunch. They ate on the picnic tables outside of the bar.  
  
When she didn't see Bellamy around, she tried not to be disappointed. Monty joined them and they talked about the house-warming party they were having the next day. Monty was an engineer. He also mentioned doing something security wise, for the company. She figured he meant with cameras and whatnot. That night, she and Raven went to the grocery store and got everything they would need for the party the next night.

Friday afternoon, Clarke sat in her office. It really was a great view. The front of the hospital faced the town but the back was facing the mountain side.  
  
She was going back and forth between thinking about the view and thinking about the party. They had pretty much invited all of their friends (even Octavia). Raven invited a few people from work. Clarke invited Becca. She wasn't comfortable with asking anyone else, she had just started here, it would be weird.  
  
She went back to check on her patients and by the time she sat back down to start charting, she only had about an hour and a half left.  
  
The phone in her office rang. It was usually a nurse who needed to check on an order. Sometimes it was the pharmacy or the lab. They had her cell number as well, in case of emergencies.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Hello Clarke. You're a hard doctor to track down."  
  
_Oh my god.  
_  
She hung up. She got up to lock her door, which she thought was a little ridiculous. _He's not calling you from inside the hospital. Or is he?_

Before she could freak out, she started her deep breathing exercise. And then she picked the phone up and called Becca.  
  
"Hey Becca, its Clarke. I just have a question...are, are doctor's office numbers public knowledge? Like our personal extensions?"  
  
"No. The main phone number is the only thing everyone has access to. It's on the website. They would have to call here and personally request to be transferred to you. Why?"  
  
"Um, no particular reason. I was just wondering. Thank you" Clarke lied. She didn't like lying, but.  
  
Next she called the front desk.  
  
"Hi, this is doctor Clarke Griffin, I was just wondering if that last call I had was transferred by you?"  
  
"Yes, ma’am. The caller said they needed to talk to Dr. Griffin" she answered.  
  
"Okay, thank you." Okay so, he must have found out where she was and just expected her to be working at the hospital. That didn't mean he was here. But now she knew for sure that he knew where she was. He found her.  
  
_Calm down Clarke_. She thought about the gun. It was in her purse. She left it in the car since they weren't allowed in the hospital. She thought about her restraining order.

_Well, at least he only called. He probably knows about the restraining order. He won't risk showing up here and getting arrested. He is a doctor, after all. Getting arrested would damage his reputation, and I know he wouldn't want to do that._  
  
She relaxed a little. Okay, so he found her. Now that it had happened, she wasn't that surprised. Yeah, Arkadia is a small town. It's far from Chicago. She had never told him about it. But, he was resourceful. He found out and probably figured he should start at the hospital.  
  
_What do I do? Is there anything to do?_ She sighed, put her head in her hands. _I can't believe this is happening to me. Again. What do I do? What can I do?_  
  
She thought about it for a few minutes. The first thing she did was think about quitting. Packing up. Leaving. Going somewhere new. And she hated herself for even thinking about it. There was no way she could do that. Could she?  
  
_No. You can't do that anymore. You have to stop running. You like your job. You have a house. Your friends are taking you back. And most importantly, Raven is here. She is here and she is happy. You will not leave her._  
  
But what else could she do? _Just don't do anything right now. Nothing you will regret. Calm down._ But if he knew she was here, was he responsible for the roses? The weird text message? But Abby had said that she had seen him? What then, was he asking someone to do this?

She realized that she had stopped charting. She would have to stay late if she didn't start soon. She decided to stop asking, stop questioning. _Just accept the fact that he knows where you are. He knows. But he's not here. And if he comes anywhere near you, he'll be arrested for violating the restraining order._ The thought calms her. She was right. He would be arrested and his reputation would be ruined. If she was certain about anything, it was that Finn really cared about his reputation. That's why no one in Chicago understood why she didn't like him; they all did.  
  
She lost herself in charting and before she knew it, she was done and it was almost 7:30. She gathered her things and left. She was cautious in the parking garage; recalling that it was one of the most common places for an attack.  
  
But she didn't see anyone suspicious. She got in her car and went home. It was almost 8 and Raven had set everything out. She put snacks on the kitchen and coffee tables. Drinks on the counter. Lots of soda, lots of alcohol.  
  
Clarke walked into the kitchen and asked Raven for a shot.  
  
"Wow, even before the party has started?" she teased, but while pouring Clarke a shot she also poured one for herself. "Rough day?"  
  
"Yeah, kind of" Clarke answered. It was the truth. She took her shot and asked for another. She was still in her scrubs. She took the second shot and went to shower and get ready. After she got out of the shower, she quickly went into her room to change. She could hear voices coming from the living room, people had already started to arrive.

She let her hair air-dry while she put on a little makeup. She went to her closet and looked for an outfit. She felt lazy. She didn't want to meticulously look through all of her clothes and find a cute outfit. She was in her own damn house.  
  
With that, she picked up the pink dress Raven had held up one of their first days here. She decided to put it on. It was quick and easy.  
  
She looked in the mirror. The dress was loose, it was comfortable and it was just a few inches above her knees. It was one of those summer dresses that just looked flowy and relaxed, yet still cute. She liked it. She didn't put anything else on, she just went to find her friends.  
  
She waved to a couple of people sitting in the living room and went into the kitchen to find Raven standing around with Jasper, Monty and Luna. Clarke didn't know Luna very well. She was Bellamy and Miller's age, and Clarke didn't really get many opportunities to talk to her when she lived here. But she always said 'hey' with a smile whenever she saw her, and that was more than she could say for some people.  
  
They were talking about someone Clarke didn't know so she decided to make herself a drink. Luna joined her by the counter.  
  
"So, how are you liking it here? Being back, I mean? Everything, or should I say everyone, treating you well?" She asked.

"Things are pretty good, honestly. I like my job. I love this house. So, yeah, I guess everything and everyone is treating me well. Almost everyone, anyway“ Clarke answered, smiling. She was thinking about Aurora and Octavia.  
  
"Octavia, huh?" Luna said, smiling.  
  
"How'd you know?"  
  
"I was at the bar that night. I saw that whole thing."  
  
"Oh" Clarke said, feeling a little embarrassed.  
  
"That girl has anger issues. I'm trying to help her, though. I'm a yoga instructor down at the gym. I also do a couple of relaxation classes a few times a month; coping with stress, music therapy, massage, anger management. I finally convinced her to join me a few months ago. She was always in there, boxing, or running like her life depended on it. I thought she could use a little relaxation."  
  
"Yeah?" Clarke asked. "How's it been going?"  
  
"Good, actually. She has a quick temper. I think it runs in the family" she laughed, looking at Clarke. "But she's making progress."  
  
They both smile, still standing at the counter. They were the only ones left in the kitchen so they decided to join everyone else in the living room.

Around 9:30, almost everyone that was invited had arrived. The only exceptions were Bellamy, Octavia and Lincoln. Clarke had hoped they were just going to show up fashionably late, but by 10:40, she was pretty sure they just weren't coming.  
  
Octavia, she could understand. They still weren't good. And it's not like things between her and Raven were any better than they were between her and Clarke. Besides, she had only said that she would accept Clarke. Not be friends with her. Clarke tried not to be sad about it, but it was hard not to. She and Octavia used to be so close. She'd been to this house hundreds of times.  
  
That's also probably why Lincoln didn't show up. Yeah, he was friends with Raven. He'd been kind to Clarke and they talked so she was sure that he wanted to come...but probably not without Octavia.  
  
Then there was Bellamy. She had been expecting to see him, she was secretly looking forward to it. But now she was sure that he wasn't coming. _Maybe he had plans with Abel_ , she thought; trying to make herself feel better. _But it's Friday. He said that Abel spent the night with Aurora and Kane on Friday's and Saturday's. Ugh. He probably just didn't want to come. He probably had other plans, things he wanted to do. Maybe have a little alone time?_  
  
She hated to admit it, but the three of them not showing up spoiled the evening. Even Murphy came! She drank as the night went on, she made conversation with their guests. But her eyes kept finding the door. It stayed closed though.

A bit after 12, people started leaving. By 1 am it was just her, Raven, Monty, Jasper and Miller. They sat around in the living room, talking. She tried to join in on the conversation, but she couldn't help but feel disappointed.

* * *

 

Saturday morning, Clarke was pretty hungover, and by the look on Raven's face, she was too. They stayed at home laying on either side of the couch, their legs intertwined. They finished Stranger Things and ate junk food all day, too lazy to make an actual meal.  
  
That night, they both started getting ready. They didn't even speak about it, it was like they just knew that they were going to the bar. Clarke smiled to herself. Just two weeks and it was already becoming their regular spot.  
  
She felt like dressing up for some reason. She told herself it was because she felt really pretty in the dress last night. No other reason.  
  
She picked up one of her favorite black dresses. It was short, it came mid-thigh, and it was snug at the top with a flowy skirt. It was long sleeved but the sleeves were sheer. Pretty cute but not too fancy. She decided to put it on.  
  
It fit her pretty well so she went with it. She put on a little makeup, just some winged eyeliner and mascara. She thought about wearing heels but decided against it; they might be too much, so she went with her black flats again. Her hair was in its usual style.  
  
Raven was in the kitchen, ready to go. When she looked at Clarke she actually whistled. Clarke blushed and rolled her eyes but couldn't help feeling a little giddy.  
  
"Well, doesn't somebody look sexy tonight? Any special reason?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"No" Clarke quickly answered, still blushing. "Just felt like spicing things up a little."

"Well, you did a good job. Wait one second though, there's one more thing you need" Raven said. She went to her room and came back holding something in her hand.  
  
"Lipstick" she said, showing Clarke the tube of lipstick and what appeared to be a tube of red lip-gloss.  
  
"Uh, no way, Raven, especially not that color" she said, shaking her head. Lipstick was Raven's thing, Clarke never felt bold enough to wear red lipstick.  
  
"Relax, it's a much darker shade than I usually wear."  
  
"But it doesn't look good on me!"  
  
"Come on, let me at least put it on for you and if you totally hate it you can take it off" Raven said.  
  
"Fine. But you're just wasting it."  
  
"We'll see about that" she said. Clarke sat down in the chair and let Raven put the lipstick on her lips.  
  
"Why do you need a second one?" Clarke asked as Raven opened the tube of gloss.  
  
"This will set it. It's matte so it won't look shiny. It'll make the color last for a few hours. And it won't leave a stain on the glass either. Kiss-proof" she said, giving a little wink.

Clarke rolled her eyes and went to the bathroom to take a look. Raven was right, it wasn't like the bright red she usually wore. This was blood-red. And it didn't look too bad. It didn't look bad at all, actually. Her face looked fierce with the bold color and the winged eyeliner. She decided to keep it on.  
  
"Do you like it?" Raven asked. She had come up behind Clarke, looking at Clarke's reflection.  
  
"Yeah, it looks nice" Clarke said.  
  
"Told ya" Raven smirked.  
  
"Yeah yeah, you're always right."

* * *

 

They arrived a little before 9. As usual, the place was packed.  
  
This time, they both made their way to the table together; knowing that's where their friends would be. Everyone greeted them as they pulled up two chairs from the table beside theirs.  
  
Everyone seemed to be in a good mood. It rubbed off on Clarke and before she knew it, she was in a great mood. She decided to stop worrying about yesterday. About the fact that Finn knew exactly where she was.  
  
She noticed Bellamy come in around 10 o'clock. He waved in the general direction of their table but didn't join. He went to the bar instead, and sat down on one of the stools.  
  
Clarke thought about joining him. She really wanted too...but at the same time, she didn't want to seem desperate to talk to him. _I'll wait 30 minutes and if he's not at the table by then, I'll join him._ She hated that she had to analyze everything. But oh well.  
  
After 30 minutes, and Bellamy still at the bar talking to Lincoln, she decided to get up. But just as she was about to, Miller came to the table holding a tray and yelled "Who wants shots?!". She decided to give Bellamy 10 more minutes.  
  
"I do" she said, and took two shots, one after another. Liquid confidence.  
  
Before 10 minutes was up, she stood and made her way to the bar. She said hello to Lincoln before turning (casually) and looking at Bellamy. "Hey" she said. "Mind if I join you?"

"Hey Clarke" he said. "No, of course not. Have a seat" he said. And to her surprise (and maybe horror-a little anyway) his eyes roamed over her body, head to toe. "You look nice."  
  
She knew she was blushing. She hoped he didn't notice. And if he did, she hoped he thought it was because of the alcohol.  
  
"Thanks" she said, looking at the table. Willing her voice not to shake, she added "So do you" as she sat down and turned to look at him. And he did. He looked really, really good. He was in all black too, just like her. He had on a black t-shirt, black jeans and boots. It was so basic but the shirt hugged him in all the right places. His back and shoulders were broad, his arms muscular. _God. Stop staring_. She looked away.  
  
Lincoln took that moment to ask her what she wanted to drink (thank god) and she thought about it for two seconds before asking for another shot.  
  
"Coming right up" he said.  
  
"Do you want one?" Clarke asked. Mostly because she wanted to forget about how they had complimented each other.  
  
"Sure" he said. Lincoln poured him one as well and they took them together.  
  
"So, how was your party last night?" he asked.  
  
"It was good. There were quite a few people there, actually" she said.

"Sorry I couldn't make it" he said. They were looking at each other but after he said that his eyes dropped to her lips for a second before he was looking her in the eye again.  
  
Clarke felt like she had butterflies in her stomach. _Oh my god. He just looked at my lips. And I have fucking butterflies. What the hell is going on?_ She associated that butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling to her teenage years. She stopped feeling like that in her early twenties, after she became confident enough to flirt with the intention of hooking up.  
  
_We are not flirting. Stop._  
  
"It's okay. Why didn't you come?" she asked.  
  
"Uh, I kinda had plans" he said. _Ugh. So he was probably on a date. Or hooking up with someone._ "But I'll try to make it next time" He was looking at her lips again. This time for a few more seconds.  
  
_It must be the color._  
  
"Next time? I'm pretty sure house-warming parties are a onetime thing" she said, trying to make a joke. For some reason the air between them seemed a little tense. Probably because he kept looking at her like that. _Relax. It's just you feeling that way, he seems totally relaxed._  
  
He laughed. "So you never plan on inviting your friends to your place again?"

"Maybe. I don't know. I might. I'll think about inviting you, though. Since you didn't show up the first time I did" she said, giving him a mischievous smile. _Oh my god I am totally flirting with him._  
  
"Well, technically, it was Raven who invited me. Not you. So I don't think that counts" he teased, smirking at her. _Oh my god he's totally flirting back!!!_ She smiled before she could stop herself.  
  
He ordered himself a beer and asked if she wanted anything. She really wanted the drink that Kane had made her but she had forgotten to ask him what it was called. She settled for another shot and asked for a glass of water. She didn't want to get totally wasted tonight.  
  
"So, how was your first week at the new job?" he asked after Lincoln set the drinks down in front of them.  
  
She opened her mouth to answer when she saw someone sit down on Bellamy's other side. Roma. _Ugh._  
  
"Hey Bellamy. Clarke" she smiled, pretty sweetly in fact. But Clarke didn't buy it. She almost rolled her eyes. Almost.  
  
"Hey" Bellamy said, turning his head to look at Roma.  
  
"Hi" Clarke mumbled. She was not about to fake being happy to see the girl. Not after the bathroom thing.  
  
Bellamy turned back to Clarke, waiting for her to answer.

"It was-" she started before getting cut off by Roma.

"Did you get home okay last night?" she said. Looking at Bellamy, an innocent look on her face, placing her hand on his back.  
  
_Bitch_! So he was hooking up with someone last night. That's why he didn't come. And Roma wanted to make sure that Clarke _knew_ that they were together last night. She obviously knew he made it home safe, he was sitting right next to her!  
  
"Yeah, I did" he said.  
  
Clarke was not about to fight for a man's attention. She was 25 years old, almost 26. She had more self-respect than that. She got up to leave.  
  
"I better get back" she said, a fake smile on her lips. She didn't wait for him to reply. She went back to the table.  
  
_Stop it. You have no right to be jealous._ She didn't. He wasn't hers. He was free do what - or whom- he pleased. Clarke understood. She would've rather gotten laid last night than stood around at a lame ass party. She wasn't even mad about that part, not really.  
  
She was mad because Roma made it a point to basically tell her to fuck off. And she paired it with an innocent look so that her comment would seem totally harmless.  
  
Clarke watched them from the table. They were talking. She was running her hand down his back, slowly.  
  
Okay. So she was jealous. She was really jealous, actually. The fact that she was jealous only made her angrier.  
  
About 15 minutes later, they both got up and joined the table. Jasper and Miller made room for them between the two of them, and they pulled their chairs up and sat down. Roma sat close to him, so close she was practically in his lap. They were across from Clarke, a few chairs down. Bellamy turned to talk to Jasper and Roma looked at Clarke. A smile on her face.  
  
_That fucking bitch!_ Whatever. Clarke rolled her eyes. Not even bothering to hide it, but it only made Roma smile harder.  
  
Clarke looked away and started a conversation with Harper. Asking her about her nursing job.  
  
Almost an hour later, Miller got up and asked if anyone wanted to play a game of pool.  
Clarke practically screamed that she did before quickly getting up and following him to the table, a few others behind them.  
  
They started their game. Clarke and Miller decided to play against each other, one-on-one while everyone else watched. Clarke hadn't played in a while, so she was a little rusty. Miller won. Clarke actually got a little mad. She was a sore loser, and she wasn't afraid to admit it to herself.  
  
Miller took on Murphy next. Clarke watched as she leaned against the wall, crossing her arms over her chest.

Bellamy made his way over to them at some point. He stood beside Clarke, leaning on the wall like she was. "Hey".  
  
"Hey" she said, a little roughly.  
  
_Stop it. Don't make it weird. You can't be mad._  
  
"So you never answered my question, how was your first week?" he said, now looking at her.  
  
She didn't look back. She kept her eyes on the pool table, her arms still crossed against her chest.  
  
"Fine" she said. She wanted to add something but suddenly she felt even angrier than before. She was pretty sure she would start screaming at him if she spoke again.  
  
He turned so that his body was facing hers. He raised an eyebrow. "Are you mad at me or something?"  
  
"No...Why would I be mad at you?" she still wasn't looking at him.  
  
"I don't know? That thing with Roma was a little weird..."  
  
She shrugged.  
  
"It's not my business."

"Then why are you acting like that? What are you pissed off about?"  
  
"I'm not pissed" she looked at him now. As if that would prove her point.  
  
"Well you sure seem like it" he said.  
  
"Well I'm not. You can think whatever the hell you want" she knew she wasn't being fair. But she couldn't help it. She willed herself to calm down, to act nice. To apologize for being rude and nicely answer his question.  
  
But she didn't. She only grew angrier.  
  
"In fact, you can do whatever the hell you want. I don't care!" she was yelling now. She stood up straight and walked away.  
  
_What the hell was that? Why am I acting like this? He's been nothing but nice to me all night. It's not his fault Roma was a bitch._  
  
She couldn't make herself turn around though. She walked towards the bathroom.  
  
"Clarke!" he called after her. She didn't say anything. She couldn't say anything.  
  
"Clarke!" he said again, and it sounded like he was following her.

Without thinking about it, she went into the bathroom, the single one. He was right behind her though. She threw the door back once she was inside, but he stopped it with his hand and walked in right after her. He closed the door.  
  
She faced the wall.  
  
"What the hell? Why are you so fucking mad?" he asked, now he was angry too.  
  
_Just make something up. Lie. Fix this.  
_  
She turned to face him. "I-I don't know okay?"  
  
"You don't know? Come on. We both know you're lying so just fucking spit it out" he said.  
  
_Oh my god_. She only grew angrier. Her hands were at her sides and she was breathing heavy. The only thing she registered was the fact that she heard the first few beats of "Better Love" by Hozier coming on through the speakers.  
  
She was practically heaving now. She clenched and un-clenched her fists. Before she knew she was doing it, she shoved him. Not enough to really surprise him but enough that his back hit the door.  
  
He looked at her for a few seconds, his eyes dropping to her lips. He moved from the wall so that he was only a few inches away from her. She could practically feel the heat radiating off of him.

**"But you were mine**  
**Staring in the blackness at some distant star**  
**The thrill of knowing how alone we are,**  
**unknown we are"**  
  
She closed the distance between them and crushed her mouth to his.  
  
He must have been expecting it, because not even half a second later he was grabbing her hips, roughly pulling her even closer. His hand traveled up and suddenly he was gripping her by the back of the neck, deepening the kiss.  
  
The kisses between them were rough, hard. Their teeth clashed once, twice. She couldn't stop herself. Her kisses were frantic, messy. But so were his.  
  
She bit his lip, he shoved his tongue into her mouth and she returned the favor. Once they were really kissing she couldn't stop herself from putting one hand in his hair, the other on his back, clenching his shirt. He placed his hands on the back of her thighs and lifted her up. She was expecting it so she put a hand on his shoulder, her legs gripping his hips between them.  
  
**"And I've never loved a darker blue**  
**Than the darkness I have known in you,**  
**own from you.**  
**You, whose heart would sing of anarchy"**

He placed her on the counter and they broke the kiss for a few seconds, both of them breathing heavy. Both of them with flushed cheeks and swollen lips.  
  
And then he closed the few inches between them again and they were kissing just as fast and rough as before.  
  
**"By those who figured justice in fond memory,**  
**witness me"**  
  
She ran her hands over his back and pulled him closer, locking her legs around his waist.  
  
He ran his hands up her thighs, under her dress, and gripped her hips and pulled her even closer. (If that was possible)  
  
**"Like fire weeping from a cedar tree**  
**Know that my love would burn with me,**  
**we'll live eternally"**  
  
The song, combined with the heat radiating off of his body, the alcohol coursing through her veins, the heat she felt pooling in her belly and the way his hand were gripping her made it impossible for her not to let out a moan.  
  
He pulled away at that, giving her a look that she knew asked _Are you sure you want to do this?  
_

She pulled him back in, kissed him for a few more seconds before pulling away and whispering "I want it".  
  
His mouth found hers again as he let go of her hips and to take something out his back pocket. He pulled a condom from his wallet as her hands fumbled with his belt. They were shaking so bad that she hadn't made much progress when his hand joined hers.  
  
He quickly undid his belt and she shoved his jeans down a little while he put the condom on. He grabbed her by the hips and pulled her so that she was sitting at the very edge of the counter. He didn't even bother pulling her panties off, he just pulled them to the side and before she knew it he was fucking her.  
  
Slowly at first, letting her get adjusted. He picked up the pace and she had to move one hand behind her, placing it on the mirror to steady herself.  
  
She could feel her muscles tightening. She was almost there when she suddenly saw the bathroom door start to open. She was about to scream at whoever it was on the other side to _GET THE FUCK OUT!_ when she noticed it was Roma.  
  
Bellamy was oblivious. Kissing, biting, sucking at her neck. He would probably leave marks but she couldn't find it in herself to give a single fuck.  
  
Roma's eyes widened at scene. _  
_

Clarke, feeling confident and petty, looked her in the eye and smirked. She left in seconds. It only made this whole situation hotter, to Clarke anyway. Bellamy didn't even notice.  
  
It was rough and it was fast, and when he put his hand between the two of them, she fell apart with his other hand covering her mouth. The song was well over by then but the lyrics replayed in her head, again and again.  
  
**"Cause there's no better love,**  
**That beckons above me.**  
**There's no better love,**  
**That ever has loved me.**  
**So darling, feel better love."**

* * *

 

Afterwards, he left first.  
  
_Holy shit. I just did that. I just had sex with Bellamy Blake in the bathroom._  
  
She looked at herself in the mirror. She smoothed her hair down and did the best she could to fix her lipstick. Most of it had rubbed off so after a few weak attempts she wiped it off with a paper towel. Her lips were swollen and her cheeks were red. She straightened her dress and walked out.  
  
She tried her best to act as if nothing had happened, but she couldn't stop looking at him. She was pleased to find that most of the time he was already looking at her. They shared quick glances and small smiles. What they did in the bathroom a secret between them.  
  
She glanced around the bar. No sign of Roma. _Good.  
_  
They stayed for a while and she and Raven left just a little before one. Clarke stayed quiet the way home. She couldn't stop thinking about what had happened. The way he looked at her, the way it felt to be with him again.  
  
"So....fun night?" Raven asked after they got out the car.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I said....fun night?"  
  
"Oh, um, yeah" she looked around, afraid to give herself away. _  
_

They went inside and made their way to the kitchen. Raven opened the fridge and got two water bottles out. She handed one to Clarke and leaned against the counter.  
  
"Anything interesting happen?"  
  
_Oh god. She knows. She totally knows.  
_  
"Why do you ask?"  
  
"Because I'm pretty sure you left wearing lipstick."  
  
Clarke finally looked at her. She looked like she knew.  
  
"Yeah..well..." she didn't know how to tell her. She wasn't sure if she wanted to admit it in the first place.  
  
"Look, you don't have to talk about it. But I'm pretty sure I know what happened. So...just...just be careful, okay?"  
  
Clarke nodded.  
  
"I just....I don't want to see you get hurt, again" Raven said.  
  
"I don't want that either."

Raven nodded. "Well, I'm going to bed. Goodnight". She gave Clarke a kiss on the cheek and went to her room.  
  
Clarke went to hers shortly after and got ready for bed. Once she was under the sheets she let herself think about what she'd just done. The consequences.  
  
Well, first of all, there was Roma. But things didn't seem serious between her and Bellamy, Clarke was pretty certain that they probably just slept together occasionally. That's what she hoped, anyway.  
  
Either way, she really wasn't going to fight over a man. But Roma had gotten what she deserved after she cornered Clarke that first night, and for what she did tonight, too. She really didn't care.  
  
And then there was everyone else, all of her friends. What if someone brought it up? Would it bother any of them? _Why should it? It's none of their business_. Raven didn't care, she was just looking out for Clarke.  
  
What was he thinking? Did he feel the same way right now? Would they talk about it? Or would they pretend it didn't happen? _No, no way._ _There's no way either one of us could ignore what happened. Oh my god. What does this make us? What happens now?_

She didn't expect Bellamy to start being her boyfriend again. But she was not going to be his fuck-buddy or anything like that. But how could they be friends after this? Could they be? _What the hell did I just do? What did I get myself into? There's no way I can be casual with him after this? Can I?_  
  
And if Octavia...or even worse, Aurora, found out...they would hate her. Even more than they already did.  
  
She thought about it for a while; hours, it felt like. _  
  
What happens now? Where do we go from here?  
_

* * *

 

Clarke woke up to Raven yelling at her from the living room. "Clarke! Get your ass up! It's almost 1 in the afternoon!"  
  
She groaned. She hadn't slept well last night so she stayed in bed for another 10 minutes before getting up. She went into the kitchen and drank a glass of water before pouring herself a cup of coffee.  
  
She joined Raven on the couch. She was sipping on her own coffee, watching Friends. "You look tired" she commented.  
  
"Yeah well, I feel tired."  
  
"How? You slept for about 11 hours?"  
  
"No I didn't. I couldn't really sleep last night. I tossed and turned for a while."  
  
"Oh."  
  
They sat and watched silently for a few minutes.  
  
"Do you wanna talk about it?"  
  
"Yes...no...I don't know" she sighed. She wasn't sure if talking about it would help. What good could it do? She already knew that she'd gotten herself into a bad situation.  
  
"What are you gonna do...I mean..like is this a onetime thing or do you plan on being with him?"

"I don't know Raven. I really don't even know if I want to be with him. Everything is so complicated between us, it always has been...and even though I knew that, I still did what I did. And now I kind of wish I could take it back, because that would be easier. At least I think it would. But I can't take it back. So now I-I don't know what to do about it."  
  
Raven was looking at her, a worried look plastered on her face.

"And even if this was a onetime thing, it'll still make things different between us. How can we act normal? Or, as normal as we had been before last night? But the more I think about it, the madder I am at myself for doing it in the first place. Our relationship -or whatever- was already so fragile, so complicated and now I feel like I've just thrown another wrench in the mess" She sighed. Talking about it was making it worse. So she stopped.  
  
Raven didn't push her.  
  
"I was gonna go to the gym. Do you want to come with?" she asked.  
  
Clarke thought about it. She didn't feel like going but she could use a distraction. Then again, she really hated going to the gym so maybe it'd only make her feel worse.  
  
"I'll pass" she said. A little while later Raven left and she was home alone. She made herself some breakfast and went back to bed after eating. She wasn't that tired anymore but she just felt like hiding in her room for a while.

She was right though. Whatever happened next would only complicate things between them, even more so. Then again....things were always complicated between her and Bellamy.

* * *

 

**~13 years ago~**

After she kissed Bellamy the first time when she was 13, she started looking at him differently. The older she grew, the more her feelings for him intensified.  
  
He ignored her like he did before she kissed him, but she couldn't ignore him. She started noticing how much cuter he got every time she saw him. How he grew.  
  
After she turned 14, she was tired of being ignored. She went out of her way to run into him. She made excuses to talk to him, claiming she needed help with something or things of that nature. She asked Octavia to beg him to hang out with them more because she knew he could never say no to his sister.

After a few months of that, things between them changed. He no longer ignored her, or told her to go away when she was bothering him. He spent time with her and Octavia and he didn't even push her away when she ran into him on purpose and stuck around, doing whatever he was doing. They became friends. Good friends.  
  
When she was 15, she decided it was time to take the next step. She started dressing cuter when she knew he would be around. She complimented him every once in a while. She attempted to flirt with him.  
  
There were others, of course, but no one that made a lasting impression. When she began to question her sexuality, she went to him and he helped her work her feelings out. He even gave her tips on how to woo the girl she had a crush on, but it didn't work out.

He grew up, grew more busy. He spent less and less time with her and Octavia and more time at work or with his friends. She got Octavia to convince Bellamy to let them hang out with him and his friends every once in a while. But still. It wasn't the same.  
  
One day that summer, her parents surprised her; they told her they were taking her on a surprise vacation to Greece. She'd be gone for an entire month. Maybe more. They couldn't understand why she wasn't happy to be going and she couldn't exactly tell them that she was in love with Bellamy by that point so she told them it was because she'd miss her friends (which was true). It only made her feel a little better when they told her that Wells and his dad would be joining them for the first few weeks.  
  
Wells was her childhood best friend. He lived next door and they had grown up together. In fact, he was in all of her childhood memories; her earliest memories. They were born the same year, and their parents were best friends. His mother died when they were 11 and a year later, he and his father moved to New York. After that, they slowly began to drift apart. They still talked every once in a while, and she still considered him one of her best friends. They saw each other almost every summer though.  
  
After they told her about Greece she went to Kane's and ordered a milkshake. She sat in a booth, all alone until Bellamy saw her. He'd gotten a job there the summer before, as a mechanic or something. He sat down across from her and asked if she was okay.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Aren't you supposed to be working?" she said, trying to smile.  
  
"Actually, I just got off, smartass" he had said.  
  
They sat and talked for a while but it only made Clarke feel worse. She didn't want to go. There was stuff to do here. Her friends were here. Bellamy was here. She could avoid her parents here. In Greece, they wouldn't be working, they'd be with her. They'd be fighting. They were doing that more and more these days.  
  
"So are you finally gonna tell me what’s wrong?" he said after they'd been sitting there, talking, for about an hour.  
  
"My parents are taking me on a surprise vacation, to Greece. We leave tomorrow" she said, looking at the table.  
  
He rolled his eyes. "Woooow. That's tough. I feel so sorry for you" he said. Not in a particularly mean way. But for some reason it made her want to cry. It also made her angry.  
  
"Screw you Bellamy!" she yelled. She felt the tears pooling in her eyes. She put her elbows on the table, covered her face with her hands.  
  
He must've realized her hurt her feelings because he apologized. It only made her feel worse. She felt the tears slipping down, crushed between her palms and her face. He reached across the table and tried to pry her hands from her face. She pulled back from his hand, turning to face the wall, her hands still covering her face. Her chest began to heave as she tried not to sob.

He got up and sat down next to her. She was still facing the wall, her head resting on the red cushion of the booth seat.  
  
"Clarke...." Still she wouldn't turn, wouldn't take her face out of her hands. He put one arm around her, reaching through the space between her side and the seat. He drew her in close, his body turned towards her. That's when she really began to cry.  
  
She finally put her hands down and turned to face him.  
  
"I think they're going to get a divorce" she said quietly.  
  
"Why do you say that?"  
  
"I told you! All they do is fight anymore. And I have a feeling they're taking me on this trip because they think it'll somehow makeup for the fact that they're getting a divorce! That it'll make me feel better" she started crying again.  
  
He didn't say anything. He moved his hand and put it across her shoulders, pulling her to his side. She buried her face into the space between his neck and his shoulder blade. He let her cry until she couldn't anymore.  
  
Afterwards he gave her a ride home in his car. He parked in front of her house but she made no move to get out of the car.

"Look, I know this sucks and I know you're convinced that they're getting a divorce...and maybe they are, but you should try to understand. I know it's hard but maybe things will get better between them if they do decide to get a divorce."  
  
She looked at him. "How? How can I understand? And how could things possibly get better if they're not together?"  
  
"Well, maybe some time apart will make it easier for them to be around each other. Maybe they'll stop arguing so much? And anyway, sometimes things just don't work out. People fall out of love all the time" he said.  
  
"Yeah, they do. Mostly because they get tired of trying. And that's what they're doing. They're tired of trying" she said. "And now I have to spend an entire month, maybe more, as they try to convince me that this is for the best."  
  
"What if it is?"  
  
"I don't think it is! How is it for the best if they won't be together?!" she screamed.  
  
He sighed and put a hand on her knee.  
  
"Well, whatever happens, I'll help you. I'll help you get through it, okay?"  
  
She nodded. She felt like crying again.

"Will you miss me?" she asked.  
  
He smiled a little.  
  
"Yeah" he said.  
  
"Are you just saying that or will you actually miss me? I'm not a little girl anymore, I can handle the truth."  
  
"I will. I'm not just saying it. I'll miss you" he was still looking at her.  
  
She put her hand on top of his.  
  
"Bellamy..."  
  
"Hm?"  
  
"I think I'm in love with you."  
  
There was an awkward silence. Then he shook his head and laughed a little. _He just laughed. He just laughed at me. I told him I was in love with him and he laughed_.  
  
"What's so funny?"  
  
"Stop it, Clarke. You're not in love with me."

"And how would you know that? How would you know how I feel?"  
  
"Because, you're 15 years old for God’s sake."  
  
"So?"  
  
"So, you're definitely not in love with me."  
  
"Yes I am! Don't tell me how I feel! I've pretty much been in love with you since I was 13!" she screamed. She couldn't believe she was finally telling him how she felt and he was laughing at her.  
  
Well, not anymore. But he was still shaking his head.  
  
"Bellamy...I love you. I'm in love with you. I have been for a long time" she couldn't believe she was telling him.  
  
He moved his hand from her knee and put it on the steering wheel. She tried not to be hurt by that, but she was.  
  
"Look Clarke...I'm flattered. Really, I am. You're a great girl. But..."  
  
_Oh god. Here it comes._ She didn't want to hear the rest of that sentence. Still, she did.  
  
"But you're only 15 years old. I'm almost 19. And I just don't see you that way...I'm sorry."

"But how do you know?! You've never thought about me like that, and I get why. But I'm almost 16 Bellamy! And you won't be 19 until December! When I turn 16 in October you'll only be three years older than me! It's not that big of a difference!"  
  
"Yes, it is. It's a big difference. You're-you're a little girl, Clarke. You're too young for me."  
  
"Okay but what if I wasn't?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"What if I was your age? But I was still the same? Would you like me?"  
  
"I-I don't know. I've never thought about you like that. You're my kid sister’s best friend."  
  
She looked out the window. She couldn't believe that she'd told him everything, only to get rejected. She felt heartbroken. And maybe she was being a little dramatic, but she didn't care. She couldn't stop herself from crying.  
  
"Clarke....please, please stop crying. I hate seeing you cry. Please" he tried to reach out, to grab her arm but she pulled away. She still made no move to leave though.  
  
"I-I'm only staying b-because I want to stop crying before I go inside."  
  
He sighed.

"Look, I'm sorry. Like I said, you're a great girl, Clarke. You really are. You're funny and you're smart. You're kind, you're pretty....but you should try to find someone your own age."  
  
She looked back at him. She knew she probably looked like a big mess right now but she didn't care. She tried to swallow around the lump in her throat "But..." she whimpered "but I don't want to find someone my own age...I want you...I love you and I want you."  
  
He sighed again. For what it was worth, he really did look sorry. Or maybe he just looked like that because he didn't like seeing her like this. He didn't like seeing her cry.  
  
"Come here" he said. He pulled her towards him, enveloped her in a hug.  
  
But it was awkward, with her sitting in the passenger seat and the gear shift between them. She moved, crawled over so that she was in his lap; her legs stretching to rest in the passenger seat. She put her arms around his neck. She heard him sigh again. Probably because this was inappropriate. Probably because he felt awkward with her sitting in his lap. But she didn't care. She buried her face in his neck again. He felt stiff but he wrapped his arms around her waist and held her.  
  
Eventually he relaxed, she stopped crying. She knew that she should probably go. He probably wanted to leave and her parents were probably starting to get worried.  
  
"I-I'm going to miss you a lot" she said. Finally pulling back so she could look at him.  
  
"I'm going to miss you too" he said.

"Even after this?"  
  
"Yeah, even after this."  
  
"C-can I k-kiss you?" she whispered.  
  
"Clarke...I don't think that's a good idea."  
  
"Please? Just once. I promise I won't tell anyone."  
  
He sighed for about the hundredth time that night.  
  
"Fine."  
  
So she did. She pressed her lips to his and held them there for a few seconds. He didn't kiss her back, but he didn't pull away either.  
  
She hugged him one more time before finally getting out.  
  
"Bye Bellamy."  
  
"Bye Clarke."  
  
He had probably thought (hoped) that she'd go on this trip and come back already over him. She knew that's what he hoped would happen. But she was pretty sure she'd only love him more. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, and all that.

* * *

 

Bellamy had a busy summer. He took on a bigger role at the garage. But he'd decided to put off college. He didn't really know what he wanted to do. And besides, it's not like they had a lot of money right now. It seemed like the best option.  
  
But with him working so much, and the school year being over, Octavia grew bored. He felt guilty for not spending much time with her. But between his job, his friends, and a few girls here and there, he didn't have a lot of time for her. Not like he used to.  
  
And Clarke was gone, so Octavia was probably lonely. She had her other friends, but Clarke was her best friend. He shuddered. He didn't like thinking about Clarke. Every time he did, he felt guilty.  
  
He hoped that the summer apart would make it easier for her to forget about what she felt for him. Come back and be his friend; nothing more. He still couldn't believe that she told him that she was in love with him the night before she left. Honestly, he thought it was a little ridiculous. She was only 15 years old. What did she know about love? Hell, he was almost 19 and he was pretty sure that he'd never been in love with anyone. Not even his first girlfriend, who also happened to be his longest relationship; three months.  
  
But it didn't make him feel weird. He didn't want a serious relationship. He was completely fine with hooking up with random girls and not talking about it in the morning. And the types of girls he typically went for were okay with that, too.

About mid-July, he was at the garage on his lunch break. His co-workers and Kane were sitting on the picnic table outside of the bar, eating lunch. He was on his way to meet them when he heard someone call his name.  
  
He had just enough time to turn around before someone literally jumped on him. His hands stayed at his sides, whoever it was wrapped their arms around his neck. It took him a few moments to realize who it was. _Clarke_. He hugged her back, slightly lifting her off the ground.  
  
He actually had missed her. More than he thought he would. She was his friend, after all. She pulled back to look at him, and for a second he was scared that she would try to kiss him, but she didn't. He set her back on the ground and looked at her.  
  
It had only been about a month and a half, but she had changed. Her hair was longer, blonder. She had a nice tan and she had grown a little. It probably just seemed that way though, since he hadn't seen her in so long.  
  
She'd put on a little weight, but it looked good. Her face was a little rounder. Cute.  
  
"Hey" she said, smiling at him and he couldn't help but smile back at her. She looked at him like he hung the fucking moon or something.  
  
"Hey" he said. "When'd you get back?"  
  
"A few hours ago."  
  
"Did you have fun?"

"It-it was okay. Sorry for dropping by like this. I know you're probably busy. I probably should have called first or something. I just felt like leaving the house and I was on the way to see Octavia but I-I just wanted to stop by and say hello. I-I hope that's okay."  
  
She was ranting. She looked nervous. Embarrassed, too.  
  
"Its okay" he said, trying to calm her down. "I'm on my lunch break now. I can take you to the house if you want? It's a long walk."  
  
"Are-are you sure? You don't have to."  
  
"I'm sure. It won't take long" he said.  
  
They made their way to the parking lot before he realized that he came on his motorcycle. He'd gotten it as a present for graduation.  
  
"Is this okay? If not, I can ask to take one of the cars?"  
  
"Oh my god!" she yelled, "This is yours?"  
  
"Yeah, I got it for graduation."  
  
"It's amazing. Hell yes its okay!" she said. She got on behind him, pretty eagerly. He gave her the helmet. And after she put it on and put her arms around him, they left.  
  
When they got to the house, she got off and stood by him.

"Look, I don't want to keep you. I know you have to go back, but are you gonna be at Kane's tonight?"  
  
"Uh...yeah, I think so. Why?"  
  
"Is it- is it cool if I drop by so we can like..catch up?"  
  
Part of him wanted to say no. But since they'd actually become friends, he found it hard to say no to her. And hopefully she was over her little I'm-in-love-with-you phase so they could get back to being normal friends again. Besides, he'd told her he'd help her out if her parents had gotten divorced, and he didn't know if they had or not, so he agreed.  
  
"Have fun with your little girlfriend?" Miller asked when he got back.  
  
"Shut up. She's definitely not my girlfriend" he said, throwing a towel at him.  
  
"Yeah yeah...and I'm not gay" he replied. Bellamy rolled his eyes but he let the comment slide. Miller knew she wasn't his girlfriend. He'd told him about what happened. Miller was his best friend, he told him everything. They grew up together, they finished school together and now they worked together. Miller wanted to go to college, but he didn't know what to do with his life, either. So here they were.  
  
That night, Clarke showed up at the bar by herself. He was glad. He didn't really like it when Octavia hung around here. She was still too young.

She found him once she'd gotten there. They went to a booth and sat down. He had a beer and she had a milkshake. It was like the day before she left all over again.  
  
"So, how was your trip?" he asked.  
  
"It was okay. Boring really. It was a pretty place though. We went to a lot of places- Wells and I- but after he left I mostly just laid around the beach" she said. She'd told him about Wells. They were pretty close. And from Bellamy could tell, he seemed like a nice guy. _Why couldn't you just fall in love with him?_  
  
"So..did they- did your parents get a divorce?" he asked. He was a little nervous.  
  
"Um, yeah. They're getting a divorce. They told me a few days after we'd gotten there. And I was right...they were hoping that being there would make it easier for me."  
  
"And did it?"  
  
"No. I think it made it worse, actually. After Wells left, I didn't really have anyone to talk to. They stopped fighting. In fact, they pretty much stopped talking in general. They tried to make conversation while I was around, for my sake I guess, but I got tired of it pretty fast. I pretty much ignored both of them the entire time" she said. She sounded sad. But that was to be expected.

"Anyway...they're going through with it. My dad bought a new house. He's moving out. I think they've been planning it for a while. I guess they were just waiting to tell me" she said. She was looking at the table and she just looked so goddamn sad that Bellamy had to reach over and put his hand on hers.  
  
"It'll be okay, Clarke. I know it must be hard for you but it'll get easier once you get used to it" he said. He hoped that she understood that he was only trying to comfort her.  
  
"What if I don't want to get used to it?" she said.  
  
"I don't think you have a choice..."  
  
She sighed. "Whatever". After that, they sat in silence for a little while, until she asked him about his summer.  
  
He told her. Not much had really happened.  
  
She was about to ask him another question when someone sat down next to him. He looked over and saw Echo. They'd hooked up a few times, but there was nothing serious between them.  
  
"Hey" she said. She was drunk.  
  
"Hey" he said. She looked over at Clarke before turning back to him.  
  
"Wanna head out?" she asked, not even acknowledging Clarke.

"Uh..." _Sh_ _it. This is so awkward_. "Maybe later."  
  
She rolled her eyes and shrugged. "Suit yourself" she said before getting up.  
  
He looked at Clarke, feeling a little guilty, but she wasn't looking at him. She was looking out of the window.  
  
"So..." he tried to start.  
  
"Look, I know what you're thinking. That I'm jealous or whatever. And maybe I am a little...but I accepted what you told me before I left. I get that you- you don't like me. I'm okay with it...I guess...but I want us to be friends, Bellamy."  
  
"I want that too."  
  
"So..I know you probably feel awkward with me after what I said, but...can we hangout and stuff? Like, can you just put that aside and be my friend? Because I really did miss you and I want...I want to spend time with you and stuff."  
  
_Ugh. She didn't say she was over it. I don't want to lead her on_. "Clarke...I don't think that's the best idea."  
  
"But why?" she whined "I promise I won't be weird and I promise I won't try to kiss you and stuff...I just, I want to spend time with you" she said.  
  
_Oh my god. She's gonna fucking cry again._

"Fine, yeah, sure. I'll spend time with you, but I don't want to lead you on. So as long as you know that...that I'm not interested in you...we can hangout" he said. He hated that she looked a little hurt by what he said, but it was better for her to get hurt now rather than grow even more attached to him and be hurt later.  
  
After that, they do start spending more time together. He spends more time with Octavia too. Sometimes he hangs out with the two of them and their friends. Sometimes he lets them hangout with him and his. It gets easier when they all start to get to know each other.  
  
Clarke turns 16 and her parents throw her a party, but she seems unhappy the entire night. After her parent's finalize the divorce and her dad moves out, she starts spending the weekdays with her mother and the weekends with her father. She starts acting out a little. Nothing too serious. She talks back to her teachers, steals alcohol form her parents and gets drunk. Leaves the house at random times in the night. Skips school.  
  
But Bellamy tries to help her out. To point her in the right direction when she's lost. He scolds her for missing school and sneaking out because he feels obligated to, but he doesn't really give a shit. He did worse things when he was her age, still does. But he knows she's a good girl, so he helps her sneak out sometimes. Sneaks her alcohol when she asks him too. Picks her up from school when she fakes being sick.

And, the thing is, he doesn't hate spending time with her. He actually enjoys hanging out with her. His friends pretty much just party, get high and fuck when they want to have fun. But when he spends time with Clarke, they do other things. They hike, they read together, they visit random places and they watch movies. Pretty much whatever they could think of. Being with her was easy.  
  
Until she starts looking at him like she wants to kiss him. Or until she sits a little too close to him on the couch. Or asks to spend the night with him.

But he lets her. She tries to avoid spending a lot of time at her house, and he figures that if he didn't let her sleep over she'd end up somewhere random. Somewhere unsafe.  
  
His friends like her, too. She likes to argue a lot, especially with Murphy but that's mostly Murphy's fault. He likes to rile her up. Make her angry. She gets really worked up and starts yelling, her cheeks turning red.  
  
She gets curvier. She gets prettier. Bellamy notices, but tries not to think about it because even though they're pretty much best friends now, it still makes him feel weird. He hopes that she'll move on, get into a relationship and forget about her crush on him.  
  
She doesn't.  
  
If anything, she gets fiercer. Glaring at girls who talk to him. Glares at him for talking to other girls but then pretends like it doesn't bother her later.

She starts holding his hand randomly. And now when she sleeps over she wears nicer things. Tries to cuddle with him. Sometimes he caves, cuddles her. Other time's he says "Clarke..." in a serious voice and she backs off.  
  
Then, the summer before her junior year of high school, things change. One day, she randomly asks him if he's seeing anyone, and he tells her that he sees a lot of someone's. That pisses her off, and she ignores him for a whole week. He feels a little bad, but he tries not to lead her on, he tries to be her friend. He tries to make her understand that that's all they'll ever be.  
  
After that week, he thinks that she'll finally back of a little or at least stop feeling that way towards him. Then one night, in the middle of summer, they get drunk together. They lay in his backyard, talking, looking at stars, telling stupid stories.  
  
"You should date me" she says randomly. He was still looking up but she was on her side, her head on her hand, looking at him.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I said you should date me."  
  
"Clarke..."  
  
"Stop! God. Stop doing that. I hate it when you use that voice" she rolls her eyes.  
  
"Then stop doing or saying things that make me have to use that voice" he says.  
  
"Have you ever actually considered that it might be...fun?"

"No, I've never considered it. That's the problem."  
  
"Well consider it now!"  
  
He can't help it. He laughs. So does she.  
  
Clarke Griffin is a lot of things. Funny, smart, caring, kind-hearted, very fucking persistent, and probably too good for him. And young.  
  
"Clarke, you're a good friend to me...probably better than I deserve, honestly. Any guy, or girl, would be lucky to date you. Really. I'm just not right for you, okay?"  
  
"But you are..." she says quietly.  
  
He sighs.  
  
"You're right for me Bellamy...you are."  
  
"Please, please don't do this again."  
  
"But why won't you even give me a chance?"  
  
_Ugh. Here we go again._ "Clarke, I've told you. You're too young for me."  
  
"Is that the only reason?"

"What?"  
  
"Is that the only reason...you don't like me?"  
  
"Pretty much...why?"  
  
"I don't know...I'm a lot different than the girls I sometimes see you with."  
  
"You are, but not in a bad way."  
  
She looks away. _Oh great. She's upset now. She'll probably start crying any minute.  
_  
"What is it?" he asks. He's not sure if he wants to know, but he can't help but ask.  
  
"Sometimes I think that you just say that I'm too young for you as an excuse. Sometimes I think that you really just don't have the heart to tell me the truth..."  
  
"What the fuck? You think I'm lying?" Now he was looking at her.  
  
"Sometimes."  
  
"Well I'm not."  
  
She shrugged, looking away again.

_It's true though_ , he thought to himself. Clarke was...she was great. If she had been his age, or maybe just a year or two younger, and not four... _ugh. Don't even think about it.  
_  
"What is it that you think exactly? If it's not the age thing then what?"  
  
She looks back at him. Usually during these kinds of conversation, she would ramble and stutter. But she didn't tonight. Probably because she was drunk. Probably because they both were.  
  
"Sometimes I think you're just not attracted to me. I'm pretty much the opposite of the girls you go for. I've noticed. Sometimes I think it's because you think I'm annoying or whiney. Sometimes because I'm bossy. And sometimes, I just think that you don't want to be with me because you don't see yourself with someone like me."  
  
"Wow. And all of that is more believable to you than the age thing?"  
  
"Sometimes" she says with a small smile.  
  
"Well, it's not true. You're...you're attractive" he coughs. It felt a little awkward to admit. "And I don't think you’re whiney. You are annoying sometimes, but everyone is. And yeah, you are bossy but it's not too bad so it doesn't bother me. As for the last part, I don't know. Honestly I've never even understood why you feel like this. You're a catch. You need to find someone who can treat you right. I don't think I'm that person."

"But you do....you do treat me right..."  
  
"That's because we're only friends. I'm a better friend than a boyfriend or whatever."  
  
"But how do you know? You're not even giving me a chance to find out!" she yelled.  
  
"Because I don't want to fuck our friendship up."  
  
"But what if we're missing out on something great?"  
  
"We're not" he said. It was rude. But he didn't care. He was tired of this conversation.  
  
"Fuck you, Bellamy. Fuck you for making me feel like this" she said, looking at him. "Sometimes I think that I hate you. For doing this. Fuck you for making me feel like some pathetic little girl who's in love with her friend’s older brother. But most of all, fuck you for not giving me a chance. Fuck you for not even bothering to try" and with that she got up.  
  
That hurt. He hated to admit it. But it did. It hurt a lot.  
  
"Clarke!" he yelled, going after her. "Where the hell are you going?"  
  
She walked out of his backyard, not even bothering to put her shoes on. She went around the house and started walking away, going up the street.  
  
He followed her. "Where are you going? It's after midnight. Where the hell are you gonna go?"

"I don't know!" she turned and yelled back at him "I have no clue but anywhere is better than here. I'm tired of you looking at me like that. I'm tired of you pretending like there's nothing between us. I'm tired of you rejecting me. I'm tired, Bellamy."  
  
"Clarke...please stop. Come back with me."  
  
She sighed.  
  
"Kiss me."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Kiss me."  
  
"What the fuck Clarke? I've told you before I-"  
  
"I want you to kiss me. Really kiss me and imagine what it would be like if you could do it all the time. What it would be like if you gave me a chance....Do that, and then look me in the eye and tell me you don't feel something for me. I'll come back with you no matter what you say."  
  
_Fuck. Why the fuck am I in this situation right now? Why couldn't have I just pushed her away when she first told me and never talked to her again? I wouldn't be in this fucking situation if I had._

But part of him had started to wonder. He cared about her. He loved her. He knew he did. So, what if he did give her a chance? What if he gave her a chance and things worked out? But what if they crash and burn and he loses her for good?  
  
He figured he was gonna lose her anyway. So he kissed her. He kissed her for real. On a summer night, in the middle of the street, when she had no shoes on.  
  
And he felt it. He was scared, but he felt it.

* * *

 

After he kissed her that night, he didn't make some proclamation that he loved her or anything like that. In fact, he didn't say anything at all. But she knew. She knew he felt it, too.  
  
She knew because after he started kissing her he pulled her close and kept kissing her, even though it was the middle of the night and they were in the street. He kissed her and she kissed him back.  
  
She had imagined that moment more times than she'd care to admit, but nothing she could imagine even came close to how it felt when it finally happened. When they finally pulled away from each other, he grabbed her hand and they walked back in silence. But Clarke knew. _This is it. It's happening._  
  
They didn't talk, they just went to his room and went to bed. But this time, he was the one to reach out. He'd never done that before.  
  
He fell asleep pretty fast; he'd drank a lot more than she did. She couldn't sleep. _How can I possibly sleep after this? This is the best day of my life._  
  
She'd pined for Bellamy for so long that now, when it was finally happening, it felt surreal. _What changed his mind?_  
  
The next morning, Clarke woke up alone. She had expected to, though. She knew he had to work. She got up and went to their kitchen. She spent a lot of time here, either with Bellamy or Octavia so she was familiar with the place.

Aurora was already in the kitchen, reading a book at the kitchen table. Clarke liked Aurora. She really, really like her. She didn't get to spend much time with her, but now that Bellamy was working more she quit her second job so that she could be around more. Sometimes she would join Octavia and Clarke for 'girls-night'.

Those nights were the best. She'd get them a ton of snacks and she'd rent them movies and then sit and watch with them. They didn't even have to act like they weren't looking if there was a sex scene; Aurora was just that cool. She showed them how to pluck their eyebrows and she let them try on her clothes. Sometimes she'd let them share a glass of wine between the two of them when she had one.  
  
Clarke couldn't understand why Aurora was single. She was great. She always smelled nice and her hair was dark and shiny. She was really protective of her kids. She wore ripped jeans and she had one of those faces that didn't need makeup; sharp cheekbones and long lashes.  
  
Clarke had suspected that Aurora had known about her crush on Bellamy, because whenever he said something that upset Clarke, she'd look up and find Aurora staring at her, a sad look on her face. She never asked Clarke about it, though.  
  
They talked a little. Clarke knew that Aurora had grown to care for her. It showed in the way she always seemed to know when Clarke was upset. Clarke had told her about the divorce after she got back, and Aurora held her on the couch while she cried.

She kind of wanted to blurt it out- _It's happening! He's giving me a chance!_ But she decided not to. _Don't wanna jinx yourself. Just wait._

She had breakfast with Aurora and around lunchtime, she showed up at the bar and hoped it was okay with him. Even if it wasn't, he sat down and ate lunch with her. She could tell he felt awkward. He didn't know what to say. They sat in silence before she finally told him to stop.  
  
"Stop what?" he asked.  
  
"Stop acting weird" she said.  
  
"I'm not trying to...it- it is a little weird."  
  
"It doesn't have to be. Look, I know you're still thinking about the age thing. In fact, you've probably been thinking about ways to get yourself out of this all morning. But its happening and you can't stop it."  
  
Bellamy was surprised by how bold and straight forward she was being. He liked it.  
  
"And because I know you feel weird about our age difference, I want to compromise with you. I won't tell anyone and you don't have to either. We can keep hanging out like we have been, things can stay the same. In public anyway. I won't hold your hand and I won't try to kiss you in front of other people. Okay?"  
  
"Uh...okay.."

"Now for what I want. You're gonna be my boyfriend. Like, a real one. I won't call you that but that's what you will be. You will make more time to hang out with me- alone- and you will stop treating me like I'm just your friend."  
  
He smiled, he couldn't believe what he'd gotten himself into.  
  
And after that, they were boyfriend and girlfriend. She kept her word and didn't try anything publicly; but she could still tell that he felt uncomfortable with any sort of romantic gesture even if they were alone. They only got to see each other three or four times a week, and most of the time they weren't alone so Clarke grew tired, impatient. But she kept her word. She tried to understand.  
  
She started her junior year in good spirits. She was still upset about her parents, but she no longer had to come home to them yelling at each other so that was good. She spent alone time with her mother and she spent alone time with her father. She hated to admit it, but it was a lot easier being around them individually.  
  
Things between her and Bellamy were great. They were pretty much the same as they were before; they were still best friends and they still acted the same around each other, the only difference was now when they were alone she held his hand and he didn't pull away. He let her get as close as possible to him on the couch when they watched movies. He cuddled with her when she snuck out to see him or spend the night. They even kissed. Not as much as Clarke wanted to....but oh well.

One night, John Murphy threw a party at his house while his parents were out of town for the weekend to see his grandmother. She'd broken a hip (Clarke and Bellamy both thought that was kind of fucked up...but they still came). Clarke was really excited. She'd been to parties before but she'd never been invited to one with Bellamy and his older friends. She still couldn't believe John Murphy had invited her. The next day Clarke bragged to Jasper, Monty and Octavia about it. A few people heard. She could tell they were jealous.  
  
Not long into the party, Clarke noticed Echo talking to Bellamy. Clarke had gone to use the bathroom and when she got back, Echo was sitting in her spot. Right next to him. And he was smiling at her.  
  
Clarke decided not to interrupt them and went to hang out with Miller instead. That was the first time they bonded. She was pretty sure that he knew, he was Bellamy's best friend. _Well, his second best friend_ , she thought.  
  
At some point, Bellamy sought her out. But by then she was livid. She tried not to freak out. She didn't want to push him away again. He quickly figured out that something was wrong. Whenever they went to a party, or something of the sort, she'd beg him to dance with her (" _Come on! Everyone's doing it. No one will notice us!_ " ) or spend a few minutes with her in a coat closet. But that night, she didn't try anything. He asked, but she pretended that she was fine.  
  
Eventually she got tired of pretending, though.

"Nothing's wrong Bellamy. So you can get back to your little friend over there" she said, glaring in the direction of the living room. They were in Murphy's kitchen. There were a few people around but they didn't care.  
  
"What?" he said.  
  
"You know what. I saw you! You were flirting with her!"  
  
"No I wasn't."  
  
"Yeah you were. And it pisses me off because you flirt with other girls right in front of everyone! You flirt with them in front of me!" she yelled.  
  
He rolled his eyes. "Stop being so dramatic. I'm not flirting with anyone."  
  
"Are you seeing anyone else?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Stop saying that! I know you heard the question. Are you?"  
  
She was really angry now. He could tell.  
  
"No" he said.  
  
"I don't know if I believe you" she looked down. _Where the hell is this coming from?_

She thought that would upset him, she figured they would have a big fight and then he'd break up with her for being so jealous. She didn't even know why she felt that way. _He was just talking to her_.  
  
But to her surprise, Bellamy just smiled at her. And to her extreme-extreme-extreme surprise, he put one hand on her hip and the other in her hair and kissed her, right there, in John Murphy's kitchen.  
  
"There's no one else" he said.  
  
The people around them noticed, a few whistled. But Bellamy didn't care. He just kissed her again. Afterwards, he kissed her in the living room. A few times. Clarke felt like she was dreaming. _They know. They all know he's mine.  
_  
After that, he didn't care if she told people he was her boyfriend. (She told anyone who would listen) After that, he let her hold his hand in public.  
  
Things between them got even better, now that they were no longer a secret. They spent just about every day together. Sometimes they spent the entire day together, sometimes just 20 minutes. She started sneaking out more. Her parents notice. Neither approve of her relationship with Bellamy. But she doesn't care. She tries to make them understand at first but they don't. Her dad accepts it eventually. Her mother, not so much. But after Clarke finds out that her mother is seeing Marcus Kane, she basically tells her to fuck off.

Aurora asks Bellamy about it one day. He knew that she knew. Everyone knew. He didn't care, though. Everything had changed that night in Murphy’s kitchen. He came to the realization that Clarke's happiness meant more to him than what his friends would think, what people would say about him.  
  
She's a little worried. Worried that they're getting too serious for two people their age, but he doesn't care about that either.  
  
New Year’s Eve, he finally caves and they have sex for the first time. He wanted to wait until she was 18, but. It happens.  
  
She gets a little weird after, it was her first time. She worries that she wasn't good or that things would change between them. She doesn't tell him, but she worries that he'll get bored of her and move on to someone else. He doesn't.  
  
They spend the second half of her junior year becoming familiar with each other’s bodies. He takes her to the beach during spring break, tells her he loves her for the first time. After they have sex, she whispers " _I knew you felt it, too".  
_  
Clarke thinks her life couldn't be any more perfect.  
  
And then one Friday night, a few weeks before the last day of her junior year, she gets a call in the middle of the night. It wakes both of them. It's Abby.

Her dad got in an accident on the way home from some business trip to West Virginia. The next day, by the time they get to the hospital they had taken him to, his body was cold.

* * *

 

Clarke cries for days. Weeks.  
  
She pushes everyone away. She pushes Bellamy away. She thinks that maybe if she hadn't been so busy with him, she could have spent more time with her father.  
  
She overhears Abby break up with Kane, thinks about breaking up with Bellamy. But he sticks around. Brings her candy bars after she spends all day in bed crying. He crawls in next to her. He drops by every day to check on her. Holds her hand when they lower her father’s coffin into the ground.  
  
Halfway through the summer, Clarke stops crying. She starts smoking. Drinks more often. She stops drawing.  
  
A few days into August, she finds out her friend Wells was killed by some stranger in the street; stabbed in the neck.  
  
She loses it. Yells at anyone who tries to talk to her. But she still lets Bellamy come over, hold her while she cries. And she cries a lot. Everywhere, all the time. He holds her, every single time. In his car, in his bed, in her bed, in the kitchen, in the bathroom, in the middle of the grocery store.  
  
His heart aches for her. But he knows there isn't anything he can do but be there for her; try to help her through it.  
  
She starts her senior year of high school. Tries to hang out with her friends more often. Tries to stop crying when she's with Bellamy, for his sake. He thinks that things are finally starting to look up, but instead she gets worse. Depressed. Sometimes he's afraid that he'll wake up and she'll be gone. For good.

She starts skipping school more often; getting tired of people looking at her like she's not Clarke anymore, she's the girl whose dad died that summer. Bellamy tries to get her to go, but he knows she hates it so after a while, he doesn't bother.  
  
Her relationship with Abby gets worse. She finds out Clarke is skipping school; so often now that they threaten to throw her in juvie. After that, she makes an effort to go more...sometimes.

She fights with her mother more than ever before. Abby finds alcohol and cigarettes under her mattress. She finds birth-control pills in her bathroom. She makes Clarke see a counselor every week, but after Clarke throws a fit and trashes her room Abby stops forcing her to go.  
  
She shows up at the garage drunk. She shows up at his house in the middle of the night, very drunk. He scolds her for not calling him to get her.  
  
He starts showing up late to work, sometimes he doesn't show up at all, so he can take care of her. For some reason, Kane doesn't fire him. He puts off college, again. He spends his days with Clarke. He picks her up from school after she gets suspended, twice. He gets up in the middle of the night to pick her up from random places. He spends less and less time with his friends, his family. Even Octavia. He can't help it. He basically puts Clarke and her needs in front of everything, everyone. His mother gets pissed. They start fighting more and more. Eventually she tells him to stop seeing her; he laughs in her face. She tells him not to bring her around, but he does anyway.  
  
One night, at a party, Clarke gets into a fight with some girl his age. An actual fist fight. After it's broken up the girl’s brother, Dax, yells at Clarke.

"You're nothing but some spoiled ass little bitch who wants everyone to feel bad for her because her father's worm food" he says. And then he actually pushes her. Bellamy beats the shit out of him. Sends him to the hospital. A few days later, he gets arrested for the first time.  
  
After that, his relationship with Clarke upsets everyone. Even Octavia. Even Miller. They all tell him he's going down the wrong road, that they're _worried_ about him, or stupid shit like that. He doesn't care. He loves her and he doesn't care.  
  
New Year’s Eve, they go to a party and he finds her passed out in the bathroom. He calls her name, shakes her, splashes water on her face but she doesn't wake up. He takes her to the hospital, they pump her stomach. She'd taken 15 oxycodone pills she found in the bathroom. Chased them down with vodka.  
  
He stays the entire night. Eventually Abby shows up. They fight. She blames him, tells him it's all his fault for ever getting involved with her. He worries that she's right. She tells him he can't see her anymore.  
  
When Clarke wakes up, she makes Abby leave. Begs her to and eventually she does. She calls for him and he spends the day sitting in a chair, holding her hand, not talking to her.  
  
"Stop looking at me like that. You have no idea how it makes me feel. How alone I feel when you look at me like that" she cries.

"How can you say that? I'm looking at you like that because I can't believe you did this. And how the hell can you say that I make you feel alone, I've been here the entire fucking time!" he says. He know he shouldn't. He knows that she's already in a horrible place and that his words would only make her feel worse. But he can't help himself because he's angrier than he's ever been at her. How could she do that to herself?  
  
She cries all day. She apologizes.  
  
"Don't apologize to me. You don't have to. You didn't do anything to me. This is about you."  
  
"I'm apologizing for what I've put you through. I don't- I don't even know why you put up with me anymore. I don't know how you can forgive me for everything" she whispers.  
  
"I put up with you because I fucking love you. And if you need forgiveness, I'll give that to you. You're forgiven. But this isn't about me. You have to stop. You can't do this to yourself anymore, okay?"  
  
She nods. After that, she spends a few weeks in psychiatric hospital in the city.  
  
When she comes back, he hopes, he prays that she's okay. He doesn't expect her to be totally normal, of course not, but he hopes that she's realized what a huge mistake she had made; what could have happened.

No one found out, other than Abby. So they keep it between the three of them. Even though she had told him that he couldn't see her anymore, they stay together. And after a few weeks, Clarke seems a little better. He stops checking on her every few hours. And one night she apologizes again. Tells him she knows she made a mistake. That it won't happen again.  
  
She starts going back to acting how she was before. But now they start to argue. They get jealous. They yell at each other in front of their friends. They scream at each other behind closed doors. But at the end of the night, they go to bed together. And whoever fucked up that night apologizes. They kiss, touch, have sex, cuddle and forget about why they were mad at each other in the first place.  
  
They continue on their down-wards spiral. Her mother threatens to kick her out but she tells her she's more than welcome to. They get arrested for public intoxication. She asks him what his favorite quote is and the next day she gets the quote tattooed on her back, right between her shoulder blades. After he sees it, he tells her he loves her. The week after, he gets her favorite quote tattooed on the back of his shoulder, in her handwriting.  
  
One night he wakes up to Clarke and Aurora screaming at each other in the living room, Octavia crying in the corner. He takes her on a drive to calm her down. He fucks her in the car and then they go back to his house and spend the night laughing, holding each other.  
  
The next morning, Clarke apologizes to Aurora. She doesn't accept it.

"How do you think this will end, Clarke?" she asks.

"I don't know Aurora. I'm only 18, he's only 22. We have our whole lives ahead of us!"  
  
"Exactly. You're not even adults yet and look at what has happened between you. Bellamy's my son, I would die for him. But since he's gotten with you, he's changed. Cold. Distant. Always in trouble. That's not who he is. That's who he is when he's with you. You've become a parasite. What would you father say?"  
  
Clarke glares at her, prepares to tell her that _she doesn't know shit!_  
  
"You can yell at me. Argue with me. But we both know it's true. You're headed nowhere fast and you're taking my son with you. What do you plan on doing with your life? You're almost out of high school, if you even graduate that is, and you've done nothing but get yourself into trouble and bring him down with you. You don't belong with him. I see it, everyone sees it. He deserves better than this. But you've got your claws into him so deep that he doesn't see past you. To the future. To where either one, or both of you, will end up dead. You can look at me like that all you want, but we both know it's true. But I will die before I let you take my son away." Aurora says.  
  
After that, Clarke deflates. She starts crying and runs out of the house. But she has nowhere to go. She walks for a while before settling behind one of the random gas stations in town. She knows he won't find her here. She cries and she cries. She goes into the gas station and buys a pack of cigarettes, steals a little bottle of vodka because she knows they would ask her for an ID.

She sits there for hours, thinking about what Aurora said. And in the bottom of her heart, she knows that she's right. She is going nowhere. She's no one. And he loves her so much he'd follow her to hell if she asked. He deserved better. She couldn't do this to him anymore. She couldn't do this to herself.  
  
She goes home. Thinks about what she could do. Maybe she could clean up her act. Stop drinking. Stop causing problems. But that wouldn't really change much. Everyone here knows her, knows him. Knows what they've done. She has to go. She has to leave this place. She'll never be anyone else if she stays.  
  
After she has the idea, she knows it's what she has to do. It's the only way that either of them could change. It's the only way they could start over.  
  
She makes up some excuse, lies to him about why she left that morning. She stops drinking. She stops smoking. She stops going to parties and starts going to school. Bellamy notices a change in her, she knows it makes him happy. She feels guilty, really really guilty but she can't bring herself to tell him. She decides that she'll go to Chicago so she secretly applies to college there.  
  
Surprisingly, she gets in.  
  
A few weeks before graduation, she tries to bring it up to him. She doesn't. 

She tries again. But she still doesn't.

Eventually, she tells Abby, begs her not to tell anyone. She plans to leave just before the school year starts. But one night, just a few days before graduation, she finally has the guts to tell Bellamy.  
  
They were sitting in his car, parked in front of Kane's. They spent a few minutes making out before she tells him. "I think I need to leave this place" she says.  
  
"What? What do you mean?" he asks, confused.  
  
"Bellamy...I'll never be anyone here. Not after everything I've done. I can't- I can't stay here anymore. There are too many things pulling me down. My dad. These people-"  
  
"Me?" he asks.  
  
"No. It's the other way around. You make me better...but I-I make you worse. Your life has gotten nothing but worse since we've gotten together. I-I love you more than anything in this world, and I know you love me...but...it's not enough" she says. It hurts to say but she knows that if she doesn't, she'll never have the strength to leave. He'll never let her go.  
  
He's silent for a long time.  
  
"So...that's why you've been so different these past few months? That's why- why you're better? Because you won't be here long?"  
  
She nods.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" he asks. He doesn't sound angry. He sounds hollow.  
  
"B-Because I was worried that..." she tries to tell him. But she can't speak over the lump in her throat.  
  
"Because you were worried that I would convince you to stay?" he finishes.  
  
She nods. Tears pool in her eyes and she lets them fall down her face, not even bothering to hide it.  
  
"You...you could come with me" she says. She hated that she sounded like she was begging. She already knew the answer. He would never leave his family.  
  
"You know I can't do that. So why are you even asking me? To make me feel better? To make me think that you actually want me to come with you?" he asks.  
  
"But I-I do want you to come with me" she whimpers.  
  
"I understand" he says "I know why you have to leave."  
  
She cries even harder. She feels her heart breaking. "I-I'm sorry" she whispers.  
  
"Don't be. I get it. You have to go. I get it" he whispers back.

She asks him to drive her to her dad's house and leave her there. He doesn't look at her the entire way there, but she doesn't look at him either. Even though she hadn't planned on leaving until August, she could already feel that it was over between them. Whatever they had was broken.  
  
"When are you leaving?" he asks after they get there. He makes no move to get out. He won't be joining her.  
  
"In August" she says.  
  
He nods. They stay quiet. The distance between them had never felt bigger. Things had already changed. It was over.  
  
She got out of the car and looked at him one last time.  
  
"Goodbye Bellamy" she said. Closing the door, not waiting for a reply. He left. Just like she knew he would.

She went into her dad’s house and leaned against the door. She cried for two hours straight before getting up and going to her room. Her dad had left her the house. She took one look around the room. Saw a few pictures laying on her desk. She looked at them, but they only made her feel worse. She threw them on the ground and looked for her backpack. She picked up a change of clothes and stuffed them in the pack. She called a cab and went to her mother’s house. She wasn't home.  
  
She told the taxi to wait. She grabbed one of her mother’s credit cards, some food and then she left. Asking the taxi driver to take her to the closest airport.  
  
He called her a few times. A few times she almost broke down and called him.  
  
The first time he called, it was only a few weeks after she'd left. It was the middle of the night and she couldn't pick up. Too scared to hear his voice. So she didn't. He called again about a month after that, again in middle of the night.  
  
She didn't answer.  
  
The others were more persistent. Octavia, Jasper and Monty called and texted her all the time. But she never answered, never replied. Eventually they called less and less, until they stopped calling her altogether.  
  
About six months later, he called for the last time.  
  
She didn't answer then, either.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title inspired by "Come Join the Murder" by The White Buffalo.
> 
> This is the longest chapter YET, but I really needed to get the flashback out of the way for what's to come in the next chapter.
> 
> I hope things make a little more sense now. Thanks for reading <3 You guys are the best.


	7. Take me from the dark, from the dark (I ain't gonna make it myself)

Clarke woke, startled, to the sound of the front door being closed. She looked at the time and realized that she had slept almost the entire time Raven was gone. And Raven was gone for a while. Too long, actually. What could she have possibly doing at the gym for four hours?  
  
Clarke hears her go to her room and then to the bathroom to shower. She decides that she'd better get up. She goes to the kitchen and makes some coffee while she waits for Raven to finish up.  
  
"Hey" Clarke said as Raven walked into the kitchen. She stopped to pour herself some coffee, too, before joining Clarke at the table.  
  
"Hey" she said, taking a sip.  
  
"Where have you been?" Clarke asked, trying to act casual. But in that moment, she hated herself. She hated herself for asking because she felt entitled to know. They told each other everything, but last night (and kind of this morning) Clarke didn't tell Raven when she asked about her and Bellamy.  
  
Raven must have been thinking the same thing, because she raised her eyebrows a little. Clarke was about to apologize, about to tell her that she didn't need to know, when Raven spoke up.  
  
"I was at the gym and I kind of ran into Octavia. She actually apologized to me. And we just talked a little, she asked me about my life, basic shit, ya know?" Raven said, taking another sip of her coffee. "And afterwards she asked me if I wanted to grab something to eat, so we went to that little cafe down the street from the gym, Polis? We ate and talked for a while so...yeah, that's why it took so long to get back."

"Oh" Clarke said. She didn't know how to feel about it. Of course she wanted them to be friends, of course. But there was always something weird about one of your friends hanging out with one of your other friends without you. She tried not to take it personally, she was the one who decided not to go. And maybe if she would have went, Octavia would have talked to her too. Maybe the three of them could have went to Polis together.   
  
"Is that weird?" Raven asked, probably noticing a change in Clarke.  
  
"What? No! I mean, it's not weird. Really" she said, trying to convince Raven that it didn't make her uncomfortable (it did). "I mean, you both live here" _oh wow that's gotta be the dumbest thing I've ever said_ "so...so you'll be seeing a lot of each other. You should be friends. I think you'll like each other" Clarke finished.  
  
Raven just nodded.  
  
Afterwards, Clarke told Raven she wanted to read and maybe sketch for a little while so she went to her room while Raven stayed in the living room.  
  
She wasn't sure why she was so sad. So what if Raven was friends with Octavia now? She was friends with all of Clarke's other friends and it never bothered her? Maybe it was the fact that they'd hung out, alone, without her. Which was stupid. She knew it. They had every right to hang out without her. Who was she, anyway?

Yeah...she would have liked to be invited. But then again she was the one who wanted to stay home, so Raven probably figured she wouldn't want to? Which is totally normal. But what if Raven had wanted to invite her... and Octavia told her not to? And Raven agreed?  
  
 _Oh my god. Get over yourself. You are NOT that important._ She shook her head. Of course. What was she thinking? They probably just went without even thinking about her. Because that was the normal thing to do. Clarke felt herself blush, embarrassed at her grandiose thoughts.   
  
She picked up a book and went back to lay in her bed. After a few minutes, she realized she couldn't focus. She kept reading the same paragraph over and over, willing it to stick; but it didn't. She lay on her back. She's not even sure why she keeps thinking about Bellamy, about what happened between them. _I guess it's just going to be one of those days,_ she thought. She'd have them occasionally over the past 8 years, but with every year that passed, she thought about him less and less.  
  
But for some reason, today she couldn't stop.

* * *

 

Sunday morning, Bellamy laid in his bed and contemplated calling his mother to tell her he wouldn't make it. After what had happened between him and Clarke the night before, he wasn't sure if he could face her.  
  
It was embarrassing. He was 29 years old and he was worried that his mother would take one look at him and know what he'd done.  
  
He couldn't blame her for feeling the way she did. His relationship with Clarke was pretty fucked up. They made a lot of mistakes. They were both self-destructive people and together they had burned.   
  
After she had left, he knew that his mother was secretly happy about it. At first, anyway. Once it became clear that he was worse without her, she probably changed her mind but he didn't ask. He didn't care.  
  
At first, it didn't hurt so much. He figured she would come back. He knew why she left and the bigger part of him was happy for her. He knew she needed it. She wouldn't get anywhere in this shitty town. She was better off somewhere new, somewhere nice. But he kept expecting her to come back.

After he realized that she was gone for good, it kind of broke him. He tried to call her a few times but she didn't answer. Octavia told him that no one had heard from her, not a single person. It made him a little angry. Yeah, he could understand why she left. To some degree, he could understand why she ignored him. She needed a clean break. It made sense. But why would she ignore all of her friends? Why would she ignore Octavia? Act as if she didn't exist? It pissed him off and after a few months, he'd begun to hate her. He got drunk and called her one last time, to tell her off. But, she didn't answer. He didn't expect her to.  
  
He kept thinking that she'd at least have to come home that summer, her mother was here after all. But then Abby left too. And he had to come to terms with the fact that he would probably never see her again.  
  
Eventually he moved out. Didn't even considering going to college. Spent his nights at parties. Got drunk. Got high. Fucked around. He didn't want to admit it but every time he thought about her, he took another sip, another drag, another hit, fucked another random girl.   
  
He knew that she was probably changing her ways. But he didn't feel like changing his. What was the point, anyway?  
  
His relationship with his mother suffered. His relationship with Octavia suffered. In fact, every single relationship he had suffered. The only person who didn't bother him anymore was Kane. He was patient. For some reason, he didn't give up on Bellamy.  
  
His mother screamed at him, begged him to change. He didn't.  
  
And then, one day, all of a sudden, everything changed. 

He was going to be a father.

He finally decided that he would change his ways. And once he decided to, he went through with it. He stopped going to parties. He stopped drinking. Stopped doing drugs. He dropped his loser friends. Everyone besides Miller and Murphy.

For some reason, they seemed to change along with him. He and Miller decided to go to college. He took on a bigger role at Kane's. He bought a house. He married Echo and fixed his relationship with his mother and Octavia. They helped him through it. Kane helped. His life was finally coming together.  
  
His phone startled him, brought him back to reality.  
  
"Hey loser. We're all waiting. You plan on showing up some time or do we need to go on without you?" Octavia said.  
  
"Uh, yeah, I'll be there soon" he said. He got up, took a shower and went to his mother’s house.   
  
Everything was normal. Just like any other Sunday. The only thing that was different was him. He looked around, suddenly very grateful for his family. Yeah, he made the decision to change on his own, but without them he would have never gotten through the past 8 years.   
  
He looked at Abel. He had changed his life even before he was born. And despite the shit he went through with Echo, he was so grateful. So grateful for his son.  
  
This thing with Clarke had made him nervous. _What happens now?_ He asked himself. _Where do we go from here?_

He had loved her so goddamn much. He hated her. But both of those had passed. A long time ago. Now, he wasn't sure where they stood. _What is she thinking? What does she want?_  
  
He wanted her. He already knew that. But why? They were basically strangers. She was a different person. He was a different person. What would happen between them? Where would they go from here? He hadn't really thought about what he was doing until after it was too late. Part of him wanted to take it back. Part of him didn't.  
  
The shit with her ex would probably cause trouble. Based on her description of what had happened, he didn't seem like the type of guy who would just forget about her, back off. Bellamy didn't want to get mixed up in that...but he didn't want her to go through it alone, either.  
  
 _Shit. What the fuck have I gotten myself into?  
_  
There was nothing he could do. It had happened. He would just have to ask her what she wanted, what she expected now. The thought made him a little nervous. There were two things that could happen; she would either tell him that they needed to stay away from each other; try to be friends for the sake of their friends. Or that they could go from here. Be together again. _  
_

Both choices seemed equally shitty.

How could he stay away from her after last night? How could he try to forget about what happened and watch her live her life without him? Get married? Have kids of her own with someone who wasn't him? But if they actually tried...what if it didn't work out? What if they just brought each other down again? What if they went back to their old ways? There was no way he could do that, no fucking way. _Things are different now. She's different. You're different._ And besides, he had Abel now. He would never, ever go back to who he was. No matter what happened with her.   
  
He sighed. Lost in thought. Octavia looked at him, raised an eyebrow. He just shook his head.  
  
After a little while, Octavia left to go to the gym. Lincoln went to work. Kane left to go open the garage. Bellamy was off again, he tried not to work on Sundays so that he could spend them with Abel.   
  
After that, it was only him, Aurora and Abel.   
  
He was pretty sure that she didn't know what had happened. How could she have, anyway? No one saw them. No one would find out. And he must've not given anything away with his facial expressions or actions because she seemed to be at ease. They spent the afternoon watching a movie and playing with Abel.  
  
He went home, filled Abel's kiddy pool and let him play in it while he sat on the porch, reading and watching him. He tried to focus but he couldn't. He got frustrated. _You are a grown ass man. Stop acting like a little bitch._

_Fuck it,_ he thought. He texted Miller and asked him for Clarke's phone number. He picked up his cellphone and called her. Kind of wishing she wouldn't answer, kind of hoping she would.

* * *

 

Clarke's phone rang, pulling her from her daydream.  
  
It was an unknown caller, but the number was local. It was probably one of her friends. _Oh my god_... _what if it's him?_ She thought about whether she should answer. What if it was him? What would she say? Why was he calling in the first place? She was running out of time, it would go to voicemail soon. She took a deep breath and answered.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Hey, it's me. Bellamy" he said. Like she wouldn't recognize his voice.  
  
"Hey" she said. _Oh my god. Ohhhhh my god.  
_  
"Are you busy?"  
  
"No, what's up?"  
  
"Look, I really think we should talk. We can talk like this..." he said. There was a little pause before he added "Or you could come over and we can talk in person. I'm at home. It's up to you."  
  
She thought about it. It was going to be a tough conversation, no matter where it led. Probably better to do it in person and get this over with.  
  
"I can come over. Just give me an hour or so and text me the address" she said.  
  
"Okay" he said, sounding surprised. "I will."

"Okay. See you soon" she said.  
  
"See you" he said, before ending the call.  
  
She took a few deep breaths. And before she could think about the consequences of her decision, she got up and took a shower.   
  
She thought about what she should wear. _Something normal. Don't look like you're trying too hard. Wait, why am I even thinking about this? What am I doing? Ugh.  
_  
She picked up a pair of black leggings. Put on a loose black sweater and her favorite black boots. She put her hair in its usual style. After she put on a little makeup, she went to Raven's room to tell her she was heading out and that she would be back in a few hours.  
  
Raven didn't ask her where she was going.  
  
He had texted her the address and she made her way there, slowly. She felt like throwing up. She was so fucking nervous.  
  
She pulled up and parked in front of his house. It was a nice neighborhood. He had a nice house. It was one story, small, clean and white. There was a tree in the front yard. It stood tall and thick. Leaves were strewn all over the front yard. She sat in her car and texted him. It felt stupid but she didn't know what he was doing so she wanted to make sure he knew she was here. A few minutes later, the front door opened and she took a few deep breaths before she got out. 

He greeted her at the door and asked if it was okay if they went to the back. She nodded and followed him through the house. She didn't get a chance to look around much, but she noted that it was nice. Plain. Clean, with the exception of toys in every other corner.  
  
He had a porch in the back too, with a nice glass table and four chairs. More toys. He sat down in one of them and she sat next to him. She saw Abel playing in a kiddy pool a few feet away. Other than his little pool and a small shed, there wasn't anything else back there. It was fenced off, the woods behind it.  
  
"Can I go say hi to him?" she asked. As soon as the question came out she cursed herself. It seemed like such a stupid question.  
  
"Of course" he said.  
  
She got up and went down a few steps. Walked until she reached his little pool, bent down and said hey.  
  
He looked up and smiled at her.  
  
"Hi" he said. Ugh. Would she ever get over how cute he was?  
  
"You having fun?" she asked. Because she wasn't really sure how to start conversations with four year olds.   
  
He nodded and went back to playing with his toys. He had a few plastic cars, a small plastic bucket and a Barbie. Clarke smiled and went back to the porch.

"Nice toys" she teased. "Who got him the Barbie?" she asked as she sat down.  
  
"He picked it out, actually. Every once in a while, I let him pick one out. I probably shouldn't because he's already got so many but I can't help it. I let him get whichever one he wants and one time he wanted a Barbie" he laughs. "It's stupid, but I was really proud when he picked it out" he says.  
  
Clarke couldn't help but smile. It was so sweet.  
  
They watched him in silence for a few minutes. _How the hell do we even start this conversation? I don't even know what I want to do_.   
  
"So there's really no easy way to start this conversation...It'll probably be a little awkward no matter how it happens. So we should probably just talk about it. I don't want to beat around the bush" he said.  
  
 _Thank god. Thank god he spoke first._ She had forgotten how confident and straight forward he was. She was grateful for it, considering that she was planning on beating around the bush. She smiled to herself.  
  
"You're right, Bellamy. I want to talk about it, we need to talk about it. So..." she said. Hoping that he would just speak up, talk about it and make the decision for her.  
  
"So..do you regret it?"

"Honestly...Part of me does..a little bit anyway. It's just- just that things are already so complicated between us. With our history. With everything that's happened..."  
  
"Yeah, I get it. I feel the same way. But it happened so what do you want to do about it?"  
  
 _Shit. Just be honest._  
  
"I really don't know. I don't think we can go back to how it was when I first got here..but...I don't know if we should...you know..try to make it more than it was" she said.  
  
He was silent for a few minutes.  
  
"You're right. It can't be like it was. Not two days ago. Not ten years ago. So why don't we just...I don't know. Get to know each other again, see where it goes?"   
  
She blushed. He was so confident. She admired that.  
  
"Okay"  
  
"Okay?"  
  
"Yeah I mean...we don't really know each other anymore. I'd like to get to know you again. I'm here so I want to be part of your life. But are you sure...that you want to get involved with me? I mean, the thing with Finn is a little much. I won't blame you, honestly, if you want to keep me at an arms distance" she said. Suddenly she found it a little hard to look him in the eye. "But before you decide, you should know...he-he knows where I am. He called me at the hospital so..yeah" she said, still looking at the table.

He was silent again. For one whole minute. Then two. Just when she was about to get up and leave, he spoke up.  
  
"Yeah, I'm sure. I meant what I said the other day, when you told me. I want to help you" he said. And then he put his hand on top of hers.   
  
She smiled. Relieved.  
  
"Okay" she said. He smiled back at her, a little timidly.  
  
"So do you think he'll risk it?" he said after a few minutes.  
  
"I-I really don't know. Part of me thinks that he won't. He cares a lot about his reputation, and coming here would probably get him thrown in jail. I don't know if he's willing to risk it...but then again, I didn't think he'd ever do what he did in the first place."  
  
He nodded. "Okay well, I'll keep an eye out. And if it gets worse, if he starts harassing you, tell me. We can talk to Miller. See if there's anything we can do." he said.  
  
Relief washed over her. He wasn't going to push her away. He'd help her.  
  
"Okay"  
  
They sat outside for another 20 minutes before Bellamy told Abel it was time to get out. He got out and they went inside. Clarke sat in the living room while Bellamy gave Abel a shower. Afterwards he made him something to eat and another 20 minutes later, he was tucking him in.

Clarke stayed in the living room, feeling a little awkward. At some point, she got up to start looking around. She hoped he wouldn't mind.  
  
It was pretty basic. He had a black couch and a matching recliner. A black wooden coffee table. A tall shelving unit (painted black of course) packed with books and a few toys. Across the couch, the wall was all brick. There was a fireplace with a mantle lined with pictures. A tv hung on the wall above it.

She walked closer to study the pictures. The frames were all different shapes and sizes. The first one was an ultrasound picture. The second one was a picture of Bellamy holding Abel, who must've only been a few weeks old. He was really tiny. They were at the hospital and Bellamy was in sterile scrubs, looking down at Abel. It was adorable. All of them were. There were a few of Abel as a baby, as a toddler. It looked like they had one of those birthday photoshoots every year; the ones where the kid sits or stands at some scenery with a wooden or styrofoam number next to them. 1, 2, 3, 4. He had one for every year. Next there was a picture of Aurora and Kane sitting at a table, Abel a toddler between them. Then there was a picture of Octavia, her senior portrait by the looks of it. Finally, there was a picture of all of them and Lincoln, sitting around a dinner table, Abel in Bellamy's lap. They were all nice, and they made Clarke smile.  
  
She heard him come into the living room. She quickly set the last picture back in its place; not remembering picking it up in the first place. She turned to face him, feeling a little embarrassed "Sorry...I..." she began.  
  
But he shook his head and smiled at her. "They're just pictures Clarke, you're free to look at them."

"Okay" she said.  
  
"Are you hungry? I was gonna make some dinner if you wanna stick around?" he asked.  
  
She looked at the time. About a quarter till 8.   
  
"Sure" she said, and followed him to the kitchen. It was on the other side of the living room, separated by a wall. Down the hall she could see one door at the end and one on each side of the hall. The one on the left was cracked open, she figured it was Abel's room. The one across from it must be the bathroom. The door at the end of the hall must be his room. She looked away and went into the kitchen.  
  
It was nice. A little bigger than hers. There was a wooden table pushed against the left wall, four chairs. The back and the right wall were all counters, cabinets, a sink, an oven, a dishwasher and the fridge at the end. She sat down in one of the chairs while he went to the fridge and got a few things out.  
  
"Do you need any help?" she asked. Not because she wanted to help, but because it was the polite thing to do.  
  
"Can you cook?" he asked.  
  
"Uh...what are we cooking?" she asked.  
  
He laughed. "Don't worry about it, then. That tells me all I need to know" he said, playfully smirking at her. She rolled her eyes and tried not to smile. She did anyway.

"Very funny."  
  
"Do you want something to drink? Some wine or something?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Well there's the fridge."   
  
"Ha-ha"  
  
She got up and opened the fridge. She looked around until she found a bottle of wine in the back. She took it out and asked him where he kept his glasses. He showed her and she poured one for each of them, not even asking him.  
  
She looked around the kitchen. There were a few pictures in here too. She picked her glass up and went over to study them.  
  
There was a big one in the center of the wall, where the table was. It was a picture of Kane and Aurora. They were smiling, his arm around her waist. The garage and bar were behind them. On either side, there was a picture of Abel. One of him playing in the grass, not even looking at the camera. In the other, he was looking at the camera and he was standing in the sand in front of the water. They must've been at some beach. 

She looked around a little more. There was a picture of Bellamy, Miller and Murphy in this very kitchen. They were standing together by the sink, Bellamy was between them, an arm over each of their shoulders. He and Miller were smiling; Murphy, not so much. It was cute.  
  
There was a picture of Octavia and Bellamy as kids. She'd seen it before.   
  
And that was it. No other pictures. She understood why he put those up. Those were the most important people in his life.  
  
"Can I use the bathroom?"  
  
"Uh...of course you can. What kind of question is that even?" he asked, shaking his head.  
  
"I meant like..just tell me which door it is, you jackass" but her words held no venom.  
  
"The door on the right."  
  
She went down the hall and for a second she was tempted to peek into Abel's room. But she decided against it. What if the door squeaked or something? That would be embarrassing. _No thanks_. She went into the bathroom and looked around. It was bigger than hers. A lot bigger. She was a little jealous. The sink and counter were next to the door, with a huge mirror on the wall. The toilet a few feet away. There was a bathtub at the end on the left side, and a shower with glass doors on the right. _A tub and a shower? Ugh._ There were two doors between them, the kind that went to the sides when you opened them. She was curious so she looked. There was a small space, really only a few feet where the water heater was located along with a washing machine and drier next to it. There was a shelf above them and it was lined with bathroom things like detergent and towels. 

She liked his house. It was simple. Cute.  
  
Afterwards she went back into the kitchen and sat down at the table.  
  
"What are you making?"   
  
"Nothing too special...don't get excited."   
  
She got up to look over his shoulder. Grilled cheese sandwiches.  
  
She laughed.   
  
"What’s so funny?"   
  
"Nothing....just that grilled cheese is one of the few things I know how to make...so I could have helped, actually" she laughed again.  
  
"How do you survive? Just buy breakfast, lunch and dinner?"  
  
"Raven can cook. So I'm taken care of."  
  
He laughs.

"Well for what it's worth, if I would have known you were coming ahead of time I would have made something else. I try to cook a lot of different things, mostly so Abel isn't eating the same thing again and again. But he's a picky eater. And he's at that stage where he just wants to eat cut up hot dogs" he says.  
  
Clarke can't help but laugh. She could see it.  
  
She sits back down and he joins her, setting a plate down in front of her. She suddenly remembered that she'd barely eaten all day and felt very hungry. She didn't even try to make conversation as she ate. He made her two and she was done before she knew it.   
  
"Do you want something else?"  
  
"No. I'm good. Thanks for asking."  
  
He rolled his eyes.   
  
"They were pretty good actually" she said.  
  
"Well, what'd you expect?"  
  
"I don't know...you never really cooked, you know...before."  
  
 _Ugh. Don't bring up the past. Everything is going so well._  
  
He just shrugged. 

They talked a little, moved to the couch. She finished her glass of wine and decided it was time to go. It was almost 10 and they both had to work the next day. Plus, she didn't want to be inconsiderate. He might want some time alone, or something.  
  
He walked her to the door.  
  
"I had a nice time. I hope come you around more often" he said.  
  
"I did too...and I will. If you invite me, that is."  
  
He laughed and ran a hand through his hair. He was in gray sweat pants and a white t-shirt. And after he ran his hand through his hair, it stuck up in random places and she couldn't stop herself from thinking how fucking cute he looked, smiling at her.  
  
She said goodnight and left quickly after that, before she could do something reckless like kiss him again.

* * *

 

The next day, Clarke went to work feeling excited.   
  
For the first time in a long time, she felt like things were finally going in the direction she wanted them to. She had friends again. She and Raven were both happy here. She had a job she liked. She had made progress with Bellamy. And she found herself worrying less and less about Finn showing up.  
  
She had a busy week. Another doctor had called out sick on Tuesday so she came in. She worked past 7:30 on all three days before finally getting a break on Thursday. But she was glad, it felt nice to be busy again. She'd had more than her fair share of free time the past few months.   
  
By Friday night though, she was tired. She just wanted to go home and get in her pajamas. Especially because she was on call this weekend so she might be forced to come back and work some more.  
  
But when she got home, she saw that Raven had other plans. Jasper and Monty were sitting on the couch when Clarke walked through the door.  
  
"Finally!" Raven yelled from the kitchen.  
  
"Hey guys" Clarke said and sat down on the floor across from them.  
  
"Rough day?" Jasper asked.  
  
"Not too bad. Just felt like I was there forever" she said.

"Well I hope you're not too tired to go out!" Raven said, walking into the living room. Already dressed to go, from the looks of it.  
  
Clarke groaned.  
  
"Come on!" Monty said "It's Friday night. You can sleep in tomorrow."  
  
"I'm on call though."  
  
"Well then you can just pray that they don't call you and hopefully they won't" Jasper said.  
  
Clarke thought about it. She really was tired but they were all looking at her, wanting her to agree.  
  
"Fine" she finally said. "I'm not drinking though."  
  
"Good!" Raven said, smiling at her. "You can be the designated driver for a change."  
  
"Hey! You said you had no problem with that!" Clarke exclaimed.  
  
"Relax, I'm kidding. I swear. Now go get ready and don't take forever."  
  
Clarke went to her room and showered quickly. She didn't wash her hair, and her makeup was still on so she just touched it up a little. She grabbed the first shirt she saw and a pair of jeans, not wanting to try to find something else. She left the room without even checking herself out.

They arrived and made their way to their table. Once they sat down, Octavia pulled up a chair and sat next to Raven. She said hello to Jasper and Monty, gave Clarke a nod and turned to talk to Raven. That was new. Clarke figured they had probably talked after their lunch date. Octavia was around the garage a lot so they probably ran into each other again.   
  
Clarke tried not to let it bother her. And after a while, it didn't. They were both great. There was no reason they all couldn't get along.  
  
She tried not to be disappointed when Bellamy didn't show up. At first she thought he was just coming late, but by 11:30, she gave up. _He's not coming. Ugh.  
_  
She thought about texting him. But what if he was busy? _Oh my god. What if he's hooking up with someone?_ She looked around. She noticed that Roma wasn't here either. _Oh my god. He's with Roma. What the fuck?_  
  
It's not like they were dating again. So she didn't have any sort of claim over him. But after they talked on Sunday...she had thought they'd agreed to take it slow and _see where it goes_. If he actually was hooking up with Roma, or anyone for that matter, they wouldn't be going anywhere.  
  
She decided to text him.

_Clarke 11:41 pm: Hey! Any reason you didn't show?_  
  
She hated herself for asking. But she couldn't help it. And it's not like she was expecting him to reply and tell her he was fucking someone. But maybe he wasn't. She wanted to get an idea of the situation before she freaked out.  
  
 _Bellamy 11:44 pm: Hey. Nah, not really. I kind of just wanted a break, a little time to myself._  
  
She felt relieved. Ugh, stop.  
  
 _Clarke 11:46 pm: That's understandable. Honestly I didn't really feel like going out. I mostly just wanted to sleep. But they convinced me._  
  
 _Bellamy 11:47 pm: They?_  
  
 _Clarke 11:48 pm: Raven, Jasper and Monty_  
  
 _Bellamy 11:51 pm: Ah, that makes sense_  
  
 _Bellamy 11:51 pm: Any reason for not wanting to go? Or were you just tired?_  
  
 _Clarke 11:53 pm: Just tired. I've had a long week. And I'm on call this weekend. Needless to say, if they call me tomorrow, I'll be pissed._  
  
 _Bellamy 11:55 pm: Haha, well I guess you better pray they don't_  
  
 _Clarke 11:56 pm: That's what Jasper said!_

_Bellamy 11:59 pm: Do you have any plans this weekend? Other than being on call, that is_  
  
 _Clarke 12:01 am: Not really. Why?_  
  
 _Bellamy 12:03 am: Just wondering....jeez..can't a guy as a question?_  
  
 _Clarke 12:04 am: I didn't mean it like that!!_  
  
 _Bellamy 12:06 am: I know. I just like to mess with you._  
  
 _Clarke 12:07 am: Rude_  
  
 _Bellamy 12:07 am: I know!!! But I can't help myself_  
  
 _Clarke 12:09 am: I can tell_  
  
 _Bellamy 12:10 am: Are those words supposed to have a double meaning?_  
  
 _Clarke 12:11 am: Maybe..maybe not._  
  
 _Bellamy 12:12 am: Well, look who the rude one is now_  
  
She laughed. Raven looked at her. She tried to act normal.  
  
 _Bellamy 12:13 am: I'm going to bed_  
  
And before she knew what she was doing, she typed:  
  
 _Clarke 12:14 am: Is that an invitation?_

After she sent it, she wanted to take it back. She really, really wanted to take it back. _WHY THE HELL DON'T TEXT MESSAGES HAVE A 'TAKE-BACK' OPTION?!_  She didn't even wait for him to reply before sending another.  
  
 _Clarke 12:15 am: I'm kidding. I swear._  
  
 _Bellamy 12:16 am: Well I was kinda hoping that you weren't_  
  
 _Oh my god! Did he really just say that?_ She knew she was blushing. Thank god he couldn't see her. She didn't know what to say. But before she could reply, he sent another text.  
  
 _Bellamy 12:18 am: I really am going now. Goodnight._  
  
 _Clarke 12:19 am: Goodnight Bellamy._  
  
She read the texts one more time. From the beginning. It was stupid and she felt like a schoolgirl again, but she couldn't stop herself from feeling giddy at their little and somewhat flirty conversation.

* * *

 

Clarke isn't summoned to the hospital, so she wakes and let’s herself relax in bed. Raven was still asleep, so she went to the kitchen and got a snack before going back into her room. She felt like drawing.  
  
She got her supplies out and settled on the floor beside her window. She typically didn't think about what she wanted to draw, she just started and it came together.  
  
She drew for about an hour before Raven came into her room. For some reason, she drew the park. Probably because she had missed being outside.  
  
They eat breakfast and laugh about the night before. They had actually had a pretty good time. After her conversation with Bellamy, she decided to focus on her friends and joined the conversation. She and Raven told them a few stories from Chicago. In exchange, they told them a few funny stories about things that had happened here.

Even Octavia told them one. It was about how she had met Lincoln (She was at one of the hiking trails when her foot caught on a rock and she tumbled down the hill. She must have hit her head pretty hard because she passed out. When she woke, Lincoln was hovering over her saying " _Miss! Miss! Can you hear me? Are you okay?_ " and they've pretty much been together ever since).  
  
Clarke was happy for her. Really happy. She was glad that Octavia had someone like Lincoln in her life. Someone who could tame her fire. And they both seemed to love each other a lot. She could tell, because they kept looking at each other with _that_ look in their eyes. 

After breakfast Clarke calls Abby and they talk for a bit. Clarke misses her. Their relationship had gotten so much better after she'd left for Chicago. She regretted those few years where she had treated Abby like shit. Sometimes she'd randomly think about how she told her to _go fuck herself_ or screamed at her to _leave her the fuck alone_ and guilt would seize her chest and make it hard to breath. There was something particularly terrible about seeing your mother cry and knowing you were the reason behind her tears.   
  
Clarke tried to make up for it, though. She stopped blaming her for things that were out of her control. She apologized. She stopped yelling and cursing at her. She hugged her more often and made sure to check in almost every day. She apologized again. They reminisced about Jake. About Wells. About Clarke's childhood. They healed together.  
  
She still felt guilty for lying about where she was, but she wasn't ready to tell her yet. She asks her if she'd seen Finn since the last time they talked and Abby tells her that no, she hadn't seen him.   
  
They talk a while, catching up. Afterwards, she and Raven clean up around the house for a while. They get into Raven's car and go grocery shopping. After that they decide to stop by a few other stores and do some shopping. Raven buys a new dress and a new book. Clarke gets a new pair of sunglasses and a burgundy felt hat. They stop at the same diner they ate at their second day here and eat lunch.  
  
On their way home Raven gets a text and asks Clarke to check it for her.

_Lincoln 3:42 pm: Hey! Come to the bar tonight. Bring Clarke. Dress nice._  
  
Raven asks Clarke to text him back.   
  
_Raven 3:43 pm: Okay? Sure. What's going on?_  
  
 _Lincoln 3:44 pm: We've been planning this thing for Octavia. It's tonight but I forgot to tell you to come, with you just moving here and all. Don't say anything though. It's a surprise!_  
  
 _Raven 3:47 pm: Okay, we'll be there._  
  
They talked about it on their way inside. Clarke knew it wasn't her birthday. She asked Raven if she knew if anything special had happened, but she shook her head.  
  
"Oh my god...what if Lincoln wants to propose or something?" Raven says suddenly. They were putting their groceries in the kitchen. Both of them stopped and thought about it.  
  
"Oh my god..." Clarke said.   
  
Wow. He was totally going to propose. They had been together for about 5 years, he had said. And she could just tell that they loved one another, so it seemed likely to happen. Really, really likely.  
  
They talked about it for a few minutes. Both kind of bringing up the fact that Octavia was younger than the two of them; two years younger than Clarke, three years younger than Raven. They were both a little jealous. Mostly because they were both bitter about being single. 

_Am I? Am I single?_ Clarke thought. _If I can't answer that question, then the answer is probably yes.  
_  
They sit at home and talk about Octavia and Lincoln. Then they talk about a few other people and Clarke thinks about telling her about Bellamy but she decides against it. Nothing had really happened between them (other than the night in the bathroom, but Raven knew about that) so Clarke puts off talking to her about it. Again. Under the premise of it still being new. And neither one of them were really sure about how to move forward. But they were trying. _Right? That's why he invited me over, right?_  
  
Lincoln had told them to show up before 7:45 so they start getting ready earlier than usual. Since he said they should dress "nice" they both decide to wear dresses. And then they decide to dress to complement each other. After they're done, they take a bunch of selfies. A few mirror shots.  
  
They look good together. Really, really good. The both have on black dresses. Raven's was tight, over the knee and off the shoulder. She paired it with a black choker. Her hair was down (for a change), sleek and straight. Clarke's dress was long. It had thin straps and a v-shaped neckline. Her favorite part was that there was a slit on the left side, going all the way up her thigh. Sexy.  
  
She lets Raven curl her hair, it falls over her left shoulder in waves. They both decide to wear heels, figured they might as well go all out. Raven had convinced her to buy some red lipstick for herself, and she did. She put on a dark crimson color while Raven went with a similar color, darker than the one she usually wears.

They can't help but take a bunch of pictures, on each of their phones. They take turns taking pictures of one another. The laugh but they both enjoy it. If Raven wasn't Clarke's best friend, she would totally be the kind of girl Clarke would go for. Smart, beautiful, fierce.   
  
When they got there at about 7:40, they were pretty surprised to find the parking lot almost empty. There were only about 6 cars there and the sign for the bar was lighting up "Closed". They looked at each other, puzzled.  
  
They went to the door and found it locked. The knocked a few times and after a few minutes Kane finally came to let them in.  
  
"What's going on?" Raven asked before they even got a chance to get all the way inside.  
  
"It's a surprise" Kane said, and smiled.  
  
Raven rolled her eyes. "Jeez. Thanks. We would have never found out on our own" she said, sarcastically.  
  
But Kane just laughs. They looked around and saw that the bar had been transformed a little. They had moved most of the tables and chairs. There were only three smaller tables left, and they each had a pretty white lace cloth over them, and vases filled with all different kinds of flowers on each one.   
  
The lights were turned very low, there were clusters of candles everywhere. On the tables, on the floor. It was all very, very romantic. Lincoln was totally proposing.

It looked like they were finishing the final preparations, putting little tea-candles in two long lines leading from the center of the room to the front doors.   
  
"Hey, you two better join the crowd over there" Kane said, pointing to where everyone else was standing. They were all standing together a few feet behind the tables. Clarke and Raven joined them.   
  
"Lincoln's proposing!" Jasper said.  
  
"Yeah, we've kinda figured that out" Raven says back.  
  
Clarke glances around. There were only a few of them. Just her and Raven, Jasper, Monty, Miller, Harper and Murphy. She sees Abel standing in front of Miller. Kane and Aurora finished straightening up some of the candles, Aurora sprinkles red rose petals down the path made by the tea-candles.   
  
Clarke is so excited that she doesn't even have time to worry about Aurora. Lincoln walks in to the room (he must've been in the bathroom) and everyone whistles. He's in black slacks and a white button up. A red bow-tie.   
  
He looks nice, really nice. But Clarke also notices that he looks nervous. Like, I'm-so-nervous-my-body-is-kind-of-shaking nervous. He stands in front of them. The tables and everyone else behind him.

"They're here!" Miller yells and Kane and Aurora hurry to join the rest of the group behind Lincoln. They all stop talking and everyone must be feeling as nervous as Lincoln because the anticipation makes the air thick. It feels like no one is even daring to take a breath.  
  
And then the front doors open. Bellamy and Octavia walk in. Bellamy stops at the door and Octavia takes exactly two steps before stopping. She looks around, confused, shocked. She takes in the scenery. When her eyes land on Lincoln, her mouth literally drops.   
  
She turns to look at Bellamy for a few moments before turning back to Lincoln. She takes a few steps towards him and he takes a few steps towards her and they meet in the middle. Her mouth is still open in shock, and when Lincoln gets down on one knee and opens the box showing her the ring, they all hear her inhale; quick and sharp.  
  
He tells her he loves her, that he's pretty much loved her since he found her passed out in the woods. He tells her he wants to be with her forever. Asks her to marry him. By the time he got around to asking, she was smiling and nodding her head so fast it looked a little comical.   
  
A few people were recording the whole thing, someone took pictures. But Clarke couldn't really do anything besides watch. It was beautiful. There was nothing quite as beautiful as seeing the bond between two people in situations like this.

Obviously she said yes. They hug and everyone cheers. He picks her up off the ground and swing her around.

They took more pictures. Eventually they came to meet the crowd and the first person that Octavia hugged was Bellamy. Lincoln hugged Aurora. And then they basically started hugging everyone, one by one.  
  
Clarke started to worry. Yeah, she was pretty sure that she was friends with Lincoln. He seemed to like her, and he had invited her. But Octavia... _oh my god, does she even want me here? These are literally her closest friends and her family and then there's me?_  
  
She felt uncomfortable. For the first time since those first couple of days with her friends, she felt completely left out. She felt like an outsider. Like an intruder. Raven belonged here more than she did.   
  
Lincoln hugged her, then moved on to hug Raven. Clarke was pretty sure that Octavia had hugged everyone. She tried to seem like she was calm. She suddenly found the candles a few feet away from her very interesting. She felt someone approach, she looked up.  
  
Octavia. _Oh god. What do I do? Do I go for it? Or do I wait and see if she will? Oh god why am I even here?_  
  
Octavia looks at her with a strange look in her eye. They stand a few inches apart for a few moments before Octavia puts her arms around Clarke.

Clarke feels like she's about to cry. She doesn't even really know why. She felt sad. Really, really sad. Probably because she knows that she's lost Octavia. Suddenly, she remembers the two of them slow dancing in Octavia's kitchen on a cold December night.  
  
Clarke was in one of her moods so Octavia grabbed her by the hand and started dancing with her, singing:  
  
 _"We're made out of blood and rust,_  
 _Lookin' for someone to trust_  
  
 _Without a fight_  
  
 _I think that you came too soon,_  
 _You’re the honey and the moon_  
  
 _That lights up my night"_  
  
Octavia pulled back and looked at her. Clarke felt like saying something stupid but the lump in her throat made it impossible for her to do so.  
  
"I'm glad you're here" Octavia said in a low voice. And if Clarke wouldn't have seen her lips move, she wouldn't have believed that she had actually said that.  
  
Clarke nods and Octavia lets go, turns to go back to Lincoln. Everyone sits and Kane makes a toast. Aurora cries. So do Jasper and Monty. 

_She's glad I'm here. So she was okay with inviting me. Maybe she even told Lincoln to invite me? She hates me but she's glad I'm here._  
  
The little part of Clarke that was jealous was overshadowed by how she happy she was for her friends. And everyone else was so, so happy that it rubbed off on her and pretty soon she found herself smiling and laughing along with them.  
  
She tried not to look at Bellamy for too long. He sat at a table with Abel, Aurora, Octavia, Lincoln and Kane. But they were pretty much across from each other so she couldn't help herself. She saw him check her out before she sat down and smiled to herself.   
  
They ate a fancy dinner. Kane had hired a chef. They drank nice wine and ate dessert and before they knew it, it was one in the morning. There was a small living space upstairs, just a few rooms. One of them had belonged to Bellamy after he'd moved out of Aurora's house. Kane let him keep it despite the fact that Bellamy now had a house. He had taken Abel upstairs around 9 and tucked him in. He had been really cranky, and Bellamy explained it was because he was used to going to bed around 7/7:30.  
  
Eventually they decide to head out. Bellamy stays because he doesn't want to wake Abel again. And besides, he has a room, so. He stays. Probably to clean up, too.   
  
She makes sure that she's able to get a word in at the end of the night. Almost everyone was outside, so it was only them two and Aurora and Octavia in the back, looking for something. Clarke figures she has enough time to say goodbye before they notice her.   
  
"Hey" she said. "I just-I just wanted to say goodnight."

He was in black slacks, black shoes and a white button down with a black tie. Although at some point he loosened his tie and rolled his sleeves up. _Ugh. It's not fair. That makes it even hotter._   
  
He smiled at her. Looked her up and down. She felt herself blush.  
  
"You look really nice tonight. That dress is...." he began but didn't finish.  
  
Clarke smiled. Big. A big smile. She couldn't help herself. It always made her feel sexy when she left people speechless. No, it didn't happen very often. Mostly because she rarely ever dressed up. But when she did, it was totally worth it.  
  
"You look really good too" she said.   
  
He smiled at her and she smiled back and they stood there smiling at one another like idiots until someone cleared their throat behind them. She looked over his shoulder and saw Aurora and Octavia looking at them.  
  
"Well, bye" she said. And then she turned and walked out to the parking lot. She felt a little ashamed for some reason. _You're almost 26 years old and you're running away from your EX boyfriends sister and mother. How pathetic._  
  
She got in the car, hating herself for a minute. _No. Stop it. Tonight was the exception. It was Octavia's night and you did what you did to avoid drama._  
  
 _But next time, you will not look away. You will not._

* * *

 

Sunday morning, when Clarke woke she could hear Raven talking to someone. After not hearing any other voices, she figured Raven was on the phone.  
  
She rolled around and tried to fall back asleep. 20 minutes later, when she realized it was a lost cause, she got up and went to the kitchen. Raven was already at the table, drinking a cup of coffee and shaking her leg. Clarke knew it was one of her nervous gestures.  
  
"Hey, what's up?" she asked. Raven didn't answer at first, almost as if she didn't hear her. Then she looked up like she finally noticed Clarke standing there after two or three minutes.  
  
"Hey" she said. She seemed nervous. Seeing Raven nervous only made Clarke nervous, too.  
  
"What is it?" Clarke asked.  
  
"Uh...Finn's parents called me" she said.  
  
Clarke's stomach dropped. She knew that Raven was close with them. Raven and Finn grew up together somewhere in California. Raven didn't have a father, and her mother wasn't anything like a mother. Finn and his parents took care of her. Helped her get through school. Made sure she ate. Raven loved them. And even after the way things had ended between her and Finn, she still saw his parents. They still loved her.

So why was she nervous? She talked to them every once in a while. _Something bad must have happened._  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"Nothing! No, everyone's okay and all that. They-they want me to come visit them" Raven said.  
  
That still didn't explain why she was nervous. She'd went to visit them a few times while she and Clarke were living in Chicago.  
  
"Then why are you nervous?"  
  
"B-because they want me to come next weekend. They bought me a plane ticket for Friday night. And then I'd return on Sunday night."  
  
"Without even asking you before?"  
  
"Yeah..that's why I'm nervous. I-I have a bad feeling. What if something's happened to one of them and they didn't want to tell me over the phone? Oh god, what if- what if one of them has cancer or something?" she said. She looked so scared.  
  
"Hey, don't think like that" Clarke said, sitting down next to her and putting a hand on her arm.  
  
"But why else would they do that? They didn't even consider that I had work or plans or something?"

"I don't know. What'd you say?"  
  
"I said yes. His mom sounded a little sad, a little desperate. And they'd already bought the ticket, so...."   
  
"I understand. Raven, I'm sure everything is fine. Maybe they just miss you?"   
  
"Yeah...maybe."   
  
Clarke knew Raven only said that to try to convince her. Then again, Clarke said what she said to do the same thing. She didn't think them missing her was the reason. She was sure that they missed her, of course. But they wouldn't do something that extreme -going as far as booking her trip before they even asked- because they missed her.

At first she thought it would be about Finn. But they would tell her if it was about him, wouldn't they? Despite everything that had happened, Clarke knew part of Raven would always love him. He was family. _No, if anything had happened to him, they would tell her_  she thought. And she was pretty convinced she was right. But why else? _Oh god. Maybe one of them really is dying._

* * *

 

Bellamy couldn't remember when he'd felt happier. His sister was engaged. To be married. To Lincoln.   
  
Yeah, Bellamy had his problems with it at first. She was still pretty young when they met. And Lincoln was a lot older. So naturally, Bellamy didn't approve. But after a few months, and a lot of arguing between him and Octavia, he finally had to accept that they were together.  
  
After that, he made an effort to get to know Lincoln. And after a while Bellamy realized that Lincoln wasn't a bad guy. When they started hanging out, alone, he grew really fond of him. They became good friends within that first year, and they've been close ever since.  
  
At their Sunday brunch, everyone was in good spirits. Everyone was smiling. He and Lincoln had been planning it for a while. He actually came to him and asked if he'd be okay with it. Bellamy smiled and hugged Lincoln for the first time after that, letting him know that he was more than okay with it.  
  
They planned it. Got everyone in on the surprise. The look on Octavia's face last night would probably stay with him forever.   
  
He had a short shift at the garage, so he left with Kane. Abel would stay with Aurora and Octavia for a few hours while he was at work.  
  
It flew by. Everyone was talking about Octavia and Lincoln's engagement. Bellamy must've told the story about five times by the end of his shift.

He went back to his mother's house to pick Abel up. On the way there he contemplated on what to do with the rest of the day. It was a little past five so they didn't have a whole lot of time. He wondered if whatever they decided would involve Clarke.  
  
He shook his head. _Too soon._   
  
Or was it? He hadn't hung out with her since last Sunday. Would it be weird if he invited her to hang out with him again? He wasn't sure.  
  
When he got there, the house was empty except for Aurora and Abel, reading in his room. He sat down on the little couch they kept in his room. Aurora had Abel in her lap and they were on a rocking chair in the corner of the room.  
  
"Are you tired?" she asked.  
  
"Nah. Wasn't there long. And most of the time I just talked about last night, told anyone who wanted to know."   
  
"Well it was a special evening" she said. _Oh great. That tone.  
_  
He sighed. "We should probably get going."  
  
"Oh come on. Stay for an hour. Have a cup of coffee with you mother. We haven't talked in a while" she said.  
  
"We talked this morning."

"About Octavia. Not you."  
  
"Well, there isn't much to talk about."  
  
But the look she gave him told him she wasn't letting it go.  
  
"Abel, why don't you grab your coloring book and color for a little while? So your daddy and I can drink some coffee? Is that okay?"  
  
He nodded.   
  
He colored in the living room while they sat at the dining room table. It seemed like she really liked to have serious conversations there.  
  
"So, everything going well?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Anything new happen?"  
  
He rolled his eyes. He hated when people beat around the bush.  
  
"Not really. Any reason you're asking?"  
  
She just looked at him. He sighed.  
  
"I saw you two last night. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to ruin Octavia's night."

"Good. I'm glad you didn't. There isn't anything for you to say, anyway."  
  
"Is that so?"  
  
"Yeah, we were just saying goodnight."  
  
"Oh? Because I could have sworn I heard her tell you that you looked nice?"  
  
"So? I did" he smirked. But she didn't seem to find it funny.  
  
"What are you doing, Bellamy?"  
  
"Nothing" he sighed. He just wanted to go home.   
  
"Oh stop it! Stop acting like I'm too dumb to notice that there's something going on. You must've made up with her or something. For her to be comfortable enough to say that to you."  
  
"So? God dammit I'm so tired of having this conversation with you. I've told you before, it doesn't concern you. It isn't any of your business" he wasn't sure why he felt so obligated to defend Clarke to his mother. Probably because she'd chase her off at the first opportunity.  
  
"You forget who tried to piece you back together after she left?!"  
  
"Oh my god. I've fucking told you. I'm not that person anymore. I'm a grown man."  
  
"Then start acting like one!" she was angry now. But so was he.  
  
"I really don't need this right now" he got up to leave.

"Bellamy Blake! I am talking to you!"  
  
"Yeah well if you're gonna keep acting like this I don't really want to talk to you."  
  
"Oh! I'm sorry if my concern for your well-being is bothering you!"  
  
 _God. She can be so dramatic._  
  
"I told you. You don't have anything to be concerned about."  
  
"I'm not stupid Bellamy. She's been back for what? Two-three weeks and you're already acting like some stupid teenager. Forgetting all the shit she put you through."  
  
"I didn't forget!" he yelled. She really knew how to push his buttons. "And I'm not acting like some stupid teenager. I've barely seen her." _Why the fuck am I even telling her this?_  
  
"But you want to. You want to see her? There are hundreds of other girls out there, Bellamy. And you're just going back to that little whore. And for what? Is she really that great?"  
  
He glared at his mother. He couldn't believe that she just called Clarke a whore. He turned and walked to the living room. Deciding that he better leave before he said something that he'd regret. And he was livid. So he was sure to do just that if he didn't go. He picked Abel up and left. He could hear her calling after him, but he didn't turn around.

He understood why his mother was concerned. He really did. Or he tried to, anyway. But she crossed a line. He would not have this conversation with her, ever again.  
  
When he got home, he gave Abel a bath and fed him, tucked him into bed around 7:15. Afterwards he lay on his couch, beer in hand and thought about what to do with his night. He decided to text Clarke and ask her if she wanted to come over. Mostly because he wanted to see her. But a small part of him wanted to do it just to spite his mother.  
  
 _Clarke 7:58 pm: Hey. I'd love too, but I really can't._  
  
 _Bellamy 7:59 pm: Is everything okay?_  
  
 _Clarke 8:01 pm: Yeah, everything's fine. Raven is a little on edge, so I should probably stay with her tonight._  
  
 _Bellamy 8:02 pm: Did something happen?_  
  
 _Clarke 8:09 pm: Not really sure. There's something going on with one of her family members. It's a long story but I'll tell you the next time I see you._  
  
 _Bellamy 8:11 pm: Any idea of when that'll be?_  
  
 _Clarke 8:15 pm: Well, she's going to California this weekend. Leaving Friday. So I guess we can hang out then?_  
  
 _Clarke 8:16 pm: If you don't have any plans, that is_

_Bellamy 8:18 pm: No, Friday's good. See you._  
  
He was a little disappointed but he understood. She and Raven were pretty close. And whatever was happening was important to her, to them. He was mostly disappointed that he'd have to wait until Friday to see her again, though.

* * *

 

Clarke's week dragged. She wasn't sure why, but she found herself worrying more and more about this weekend. About Raven, who seemed to be feeling the same type of way.  
  
When Friday came around, she remembered that she had made -well, kind of- plans with Bellamy. She was excited, but it didn't make her feel less worried.   
  
Kane was letting Raven leave work early so she could go to closest airport in the next city over. She texted Raven since she was at work while Raven was leaving, wishing her a safe trip and reminding her to call or text when she got there.  
  
While she was finishing up for the day, she got a text from Bellamy.  
  
 _Bellamy 7:19 pm: Hey, we still on for tonight?_  
  
 _Clarke 7:21 pm: Yeah! What do you have in mind?_  
  
 _Bellamy 7:22 pm: Nothing specific. I didn't know what you wanted to do. Are you tired?_  
  
 _Clarke 7:23 pm: Not really._  
  
 _Bellamy 7:26 pm: Well were you planning on going to the bar or do you wanna do something else?_  
  
 _Clarke 7:27 pm: It's up to you. We could go there, hang out._  
  
 _Bellamy 7:29 pm: Okay, see you later_

She went home and showered. Raven's flight was at 2pm that day, so she should be calling or texting soon to let Clarke know she'd made it. She changed quickly, putting on a black and white t-shirt and her favorite pair of jeans. She grabbed her purse and a cardigan on her way out, it was starting to get a little chilly at night.  
  
Raven texted her, told her that her flight went well. They texted back and forth for a few minutes before saying goodbye. Clarke made her way to the bar by herself for the first time in a long time. She was so used to having Raven by her side so it felt a little off.  
  
She joined her friends at their table and decided to have a beer to sip on, since she was driving herself home that night. After about 15 minutes, Bellamy pulled up a chair and sat down next to her. He smiled and said hey.  
  
Clarke was a little surprised. So were a few others by the looks of it.  
  
They didn't really get a chance to talk to one another in private. They were surrounded by their friends and they kept starting new conversations, people cutting each other off. It was getting late. She had wanted to talk to him, alone, but they didn't get an opportunity to do so.   
  
Lincoln was working, and Octavia was in such a good mood, bragging about her engagement, that she got drunk. Very drunk. Eventually Bellamy decided that he had to take her home. Clarke tried not to be disappointed. But she was. But before leaving, he asked her if she wanted to do something the next day and she agreed.

She went home shortly after they left. Texted Raven to check in. She said that everything was okay but _they were acting weird._

* * *

 

Saturday morning, Bellamy woke to Octavia telling him to get up. He regretted letting her crash on his couch. He should've just taken her home.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because! We're having breakfast at moms."  
  
"But it's Saturday."  
  
"So? She invited us. Lincoln's already there so get your ass up and let’s go."  
  
He groaned.   
  
After he'd showered, they head out. Their mother had already made breakfast. Lincoln and Abel were sitting at the table, Octavia went to kiss Lincoln and Bellamy went to hug and kiss Abel. They sat down and Aurora filled their plates.   
  
They made idle chitchat while they ate. At some point, Octavia looked over at Bellamy and asked if he had any plans.  
  
"Nothing specific. Why?" he said.  
  
"That's funny...because I could have sworn I heard you making plans to see Clarke" she said, looking at him a little angrily. Aurora looked at him with the same expression.

Sometimes he didn't like that they were both so similar. Octavia was virtually just a younger, shorter Aurora.

"Yeah, so?"   
  
"So why are you lying about it?" Octavia said.  
  
"I wasn't lying. I did make plans to see her. But it's _nothing specific._ And why the hell did you ask if you already knew?"  
  
He felt a little bad for Lincoln. Dude probably felt awkward as hell when they fought like this.  
  
"To see what you would say."  
  
That pissed him off a little.  
  
"Well are you satisfied or is there anything else you'd like to know?"  
  
She rolled her eyes. Aurora still looked angry.  
  
"Whatever Bellamy. I was hoping I was wrong. But you are even dumber than you look" she said.  
  
He sighed. Why were they so hell bent on pissing him off with this? Why couldn't they just leave him alone? Or at least keep out of his business? Yeah, they were protective. They all were. He was too. 

That calmed him down a little. He thought about it. He'd probably be doing the same thing if it was Octavia. So would their mother.  
  
"Look. I don't want to fight with you. With either of you. So I'm going to say this once, and then I want you two to back off, okay?" he looked at them.  
  
"I get that you're worried, I understand why. I do. And I appreciate it. But I'm not gonna discuss Clarke with either of you. Whatever happens between us is between us. Not you two. So please stop asking me about it. Stop talking about it. Okay?" he said.  
  
He thought they would at least drop it, for now. But they only looked at him, even angrier than before.  
  
"You say you understand" Aurora began, "but if you actually understood, you wouldn't be doing this."  
  
"Doing what, exactly? Talking to her?" _Oh my god. They won't drop it. Calm down and ignore them._  
  
"Well that's how it starts" Aurora said. "First you talk to her and then you spend time with her. And before you know it, she'll have you wrapped around her little finger."

He put his head in his hands. _Don't say anything. Don't say anything._  
  
"No, mom. He's right" Octavia said "We should stop. We should let him do whatever he plans on doing with her and get it out of his system."  
  
He just looked at her. _Don't say anything. Don't say anything._  
  
"And maybe after that's over, and she packs her shit up and leaves his sorry ass - again, might I add- we can tell him we told him so. Maybe then he'll finally get it. Get that she's nothing but some spoiled princess who's only gonna be around long enough to get whatever she came for."  
  
 _Fuck it._  
  
He slams his hand down on the table and yells "ENOUGH!"  
  
He regrets it a second later, after noticing that he startled Abel. He curses himself for losing his temper. He never yelled at, or around Abel. They look on his face reminded him why.  
  
He gets up and walks around to the other side to pick his son up.  
  
"C'mon, let’s go" he says.  
  
He walks out of the house but Aurora follows.  
  
"Bellamy! Stop! Abel's supposed to stay with me tonight!" she yells after him.  
  
He turns around. He really wants to yell back. But he doesn't, for Abel's sake. "I'll bring him back later" he says, in as calm of a voice as he can muster.

He takes him home and lets him play by himself for a while. After about an hour or so he asks when they'll be going back to grandmas. "Soon" he tells him.  
  
"Do you want to go to the park?" he asks.  
  
"Yeah!" he scream, then runs to put his shoes on. It makes Bellamy feel better, seeing his son happy.  
  
He texts Clarke and asks her to join them. She agrees. She meets them at the park in regular clothes.   
  
"Not running today?" he asks. She smiles and shakes her head.  
  
"I try to stay active...but I've gotten enough of that at work" she says. They walk the trail; once, twice. They make conversation. She tells him about why Raven had to go. How weird the situation was.   
  
"And they haven't told her anything?" he asks.  
  
"No, not yet."  
  
"That is a little weird..."  
  
"Yeah." 

They walked in silence for a bit after that. Then he asked her about college, how it was. He asked her about her mother. She tells him. She picks up her pace to walk beside Abel. He stays back and watches her try to make conversation with a four year old. It's cute.  
  
When it was time to go, she didn't really want to leave.  
  
He put Abel in his car seat and turned to face her.   
  
"So do you have any plans for tonight?" he asked.   
  
"No" she said, quickly. Then she blushed. Probably didn't want to seem too eager.  
  
"Well, I'm about to drop Abel off at my mom’s for the night...Do you wanna do something?"  
  
"Um, sure. Should we go to the bar?" (She hoped he'd say no)  
  
"Nah. Why don't you just go home and I'll pick you up in about an hour or so? We could...go get some coffee or something?" It felt awkward. Back then, they just did whatever one of them wanted to do. Watch a move. Go out. Have sex.  
  
But now, it felt like they had to consider what activities would be considered _appropriate_ for what they were; which he still wasn't sure of. Probably more than friends. Scratch that. After the night in the bathroom, they were definitely more than friends. But not 'more' enough to be comfortable doing whatever they wanted, like before.  
  
"Okay" she smiled. "That sounds good. You should get the motorcycle though. I feel like taking a ride."

He smiled back at her. Told her he would.  
  
He dropped Abel off. Took him inside and hugged and kissed him goodbye and left without a word to his mother.  
  
He went home and changed. And then he went to pick her up, thinking about where they should go while he rode there.  
  
He stopped in front of the house and she must've heard him (or been watching) because she came out a few seconds later. She put the helmet on and got on behind him.   
  
They ended up at a little cafe in what they considered their "downtown". They sat outside and sipped on their coffee. There were a few other people around, and every so often they would glance towards them. Either trying to place her, or recognizing them. He didn't care. But neither did she.  
  
He was still a little upset about his conversation with his mother and Octavia. And for some reason, the longer they stayed there, the more he thought about it. The angrier he got.  
  
She must've noticed that something had changed.

They sit in silence after a few failed attempts at conversation. He pretty much looks at the street for twenty minutes straight before she gets the courage to ask him what was wrong.  
  
"Nothing" he says, keeping a straight face.   
  
"Don't do that" she says, shaking her head.

"Do what?"  
  
"Act like nothing is wrong when you're obviously upset about something. Just tell me."  
  
"It's nothing."  
  
She sighs. They sit in silence again.  
  
"Do you want to leave?" she tries again.  
  
"Do you?"  
  
"No but I don't want to sit here trying to get you to talk to me."  
  
Now it was his turn to sigh.  
  
"I got into an argument with my mother, with Octavia, this morning" he finally says.  
  
"About me" she states, nodding. She already knew what it was about.  
  
He just looks at her.  
  
"She hates me, Bellamy" she says. "And-and I get why. But I told her. On one of the first nights I was here- I told her I was different. That I wouldn't cause trouble. I- I don't know what else I can do to convince her."   
  
He knew she was talking about his mother, not Octavia. He sighs again.

"I don't really think there's anything you can do. She'll just have to get over it."  
  
"And if she doesn't?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"What if she continues to act like this? That night, she was really rude. And like I said I get why but I can't take that back so...and then last week, at Octavia's engagement? She ignored me the entire time. And I'm not saying that's worse than her arguing with me, I'd rather be ignored. But I know it's only a matter of time before she corners me again. Last time, I kept my mouth shut because I didn't want to cause any trouble. But I- I don't know if I'll be able to keep doing that."  
  
"So what? You gonna argue with her? You think that'll convince her?"  
  
"I don't want to HAVE to convince her in the first place. Jesus. You're a grown-up."  
  
Her comment rubs him the wrong way.   
  
"She's just looking out for me."  
  
"And I get that. I do. But she doesn't need to."  
  
"Are you sure about that?"  
  
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" now she sounded hurt.

"I don't fucking know. Maybe exactly what you think it means."  
  
"Why would she have to? I-I don't plan on...on hurting you."  
  
"Well I'm sure you didn't plan it last time either."  
  
She glared at him. Shook her head like she couldn't believe he was saying that.  
  
"Is that what you think?" she asks.  
  
"I don't know" he says after a few moments.  
  
"Well then why the hell are you here with me? If that's what you think about me?" she says, raising her voice. A few people glanced their way but she kept her eyes on him.  
  
"I don't know that, either" he says. And he means it. _Why am I here? What am I doing? I don't need this type of drama in my life._  
  
She looks angry. And hurt. And finally, she looks away.   
  
"Would you mind taking me home?" she asks, still not looking at him.  
  
"Sure" he says, and he gets up before she does. They walk to his bike in silence. Get on in silence. Don't speak a word the entire way there. 

As soon as he stops she gets off, hands him his helmet. For a second she looks like she's going to say something, but then she doesn't. She stands there for a few more seconds, waiting for him to say something, and when he doesn't she shakes her head at him and turns to go inside, starts walking away.  
  
He leaves without a word.  
  
He can't understand why he's so mad at her. It was like their fight at the bar all over again. Yeah, he'd been hurt, he'd been angry at her for leaving. But that passed. And when they talked that night, the night she told him about Finn, he decided to put all that shit behind him. Convinced himself that it was different this time. She was different. He was different.   
  
And after everything that had happened since then, he was sure that he wanted to be with her. He really was dumber than he looked. For ever even thinking that things would be different between them. His mother and Octavia were right about her. She'd probably just get tired of him, or have some sort of other crisis and leave his ass just as fast as she did the first time.  
  
He was almost home. So fucking angry at himself for even acknowledging her that first night. So fucking angry at himself for ever kissing her that night in the middle of the street almost 10 years ago. They were all right about her. They were right back then. And they were probably right, now. He was stupid for thinking things between them could ever work. They were too different. 

He parked in the driveway. He thought about just driving off, taking a ride to calm down. He thought about going inside and going to bed.   
  
What was she doing? Cursing him and his family? Packing her shit to leave again?  
  
She was definitely hurt. Angry at him. And she probably had a right to be, because today he invited her to spend time with him and his son...and a few hours later he basically told her to fuck off. _Fuck. Is she crying? Is she thinking about me? Does she ever want to see me again?_  
  
It was fucked up. The part of him that was angry had started to calm down. He was defending her, a few hours ago, against the shit he basically just accused her of?   
  
Whatever. He fucked up. He could accept it and move on, ignore her. Be done with her for good. Or he could accept it and go back, apologize, talk to her. Make her understand why he was so scared.   
  
He was just about to get off his bike, accept the fact that he fucked up and she probably wouldn't forgive him, when he thought about her with Abel at the park earlier. How patient she was. How she asked him questions, tried to get to know him. Played with him.  
  
She wouldn't have done that if she had been planning on bailing again, would she? And she'd accepted everything he'd told her about what he'd been up to since she's been gone. She didn't judge him. She didn't feel sorry for him. It didn't make her look at Abel with pity. She looked at him with admiration. She cared.

He sat back down and decided to go back to her house. He couldn't leave it like this between them. She'd been nothing but good to him since she'd gotten here; trying to convince him that she was different. And he accepted her, only to randomly push her away a few days later because he let his mother convince him that he was wrong.  
  
But even if he was, he'd never really be able to let her go knowing that he didn't even try to make it work. To make it better.  
  
He didn't even think about what he would say. He just hoped that whatever it was, she'd still be willing to hear it.

* * *

 

Clarke was on her way inside when she heard him leave. _He's actually leaving? That fucking asshole!_  
  
She turned in time to see just a glimpse of him before he turned the corner and that was it. He was gone. She sat down on the steps in front of her front door, not ready to go inside yet. It was a chilly night, there was a slight breeze but Clarke felt warm. Too warm. Her anger burning like a fire within her body.  
  
She was angrier than she'd been in a while. Probably since Aurora had grabbed her arm that one night. She couldn't believe how the night was ending.  
  
She was so sure that they were moving forward. Getting better. And he had invited her to the park with Abel, again. She had expected the night to go in the same direction. _Hah!_ She let out a bitter laugh. That's what she got for expecting anything in her life to go smoothly.   
  
Besides meeting Raven, nothing good had happened to her since her father died. She sighed. _Okay, well maybe you are being a little dramatic. But it's not fair! Things were going so well and then this happens and it's not even because of something I did! It was Aurora. We're not even together, not really, and yet she's managed to get between us. Before anything could even happen! And he was actually listening to her. He actually left! Without a single word!_  
  
Clarke was so deep in thought, so angry, that by the time she realized her cellphone was ringing, the call had dropped. She looked through her purse to find it, and by the time she got her hand around it, it started ringing again. She looked and saw it was Raven who was calling.

For a second she had hoped that it was him. She shook her head, angry at herself. _Don't even think about it. It was over even before it began.  
_  
"Hey Raven"  
  
"Clarke! Oh my god, why didn't you answer?" _Oh god. She sounds upset.  
_  
"Sorry my phone was in my bag. By the time I got to it, it had went to voicemail. Everything okay?"  
  
"No, not really" she said. Clarke got nervous. What had happened? And why was she so upset? And why was she so worried that Clarke hadn't answered?  
  
"What happened?" Clarke asked, her blood going cold.  
  
"Where are you? Can you talk?"  
  
"I'm sitting outside, by the front door. Of our house. Yeah I can talk. What is it, Raven?"  
  
"It's- it's Finn" Raven began. _Oh god. Of course it was about Finn_. Clarke didn't say anything, waiting for Raven to go on. "God...Clarke....he's basically the reason that I'm here. I finally told his parents to spit it out, that I knew something was going on. They said that Finn had begged and pleaded them to bring me here so he could talk to me."  
  
What? Why would he do that? He never made an effort while she was in Chicago?

"But, the thing is, he didn't show up to lunch this morning. A-and then he didn't show up at dinner either, so we went to his apartment and he wasn't there. He didn't answer when we called. So-so his dad called the hospital he works at...and they said that he was on vacation. Since last weekend, apparently."  
  
 _What does that mean?_  
  
"I don't know what this means Clarke. I don't know why he would do that. And for all we know...there's some normal explanation. But he's not answering his phone. I don't want you to panic...but what if he came to Arkadia?"  
  
Clarke was freaking out. But she had a lot of practice, in medical school, controlling her emotions and doing what she needed to do. First, she had to calm Raven down, she could hear the panic in her voice. And then she had to go inside and call Miller.  
  
So she did.  
  
After a few gentle words, a ton of "I'm okay's" and a couple of "Don't worry, I'm sure it's nothing's", Raven had calmed down.  
  
"Okay but call me if you need me or anything. Or if you just want to talk. I'll be home tomorrow night. I love you" Raven said.  
  
She rarely said that. Very rarely. For some reason, it made Clarke feel even worse.  
  
"I will. I love you too, Rae." 

After they hung up, Clarke took a few deep breaths to calm herself down. She went inside, hoping it was a little warmer than it was outside. She was so wrapped up in her own thoughts about Raven, Finn, even Bellamy, that she didn't notice that the light was already on in the kitchen.  
  
She turned the corner, preparing to walk to her room, but when she passed by the kitchen, she noticed Finn sitting at her kitchen table.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title inspired by "Can You Hold Me" by NF.
> 
> Dun, dun, dun: Finn's here.


	8. If you bled, I bleed the same (If you're scared, I'm on my way)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow...I guess I should apologize for that cliff hanger? But I gotta admit I loved the reactions :D
> 
> Thank you guys SO MUCH for your feedback. <3
> 
> TW: Domestic violence/abuse in this chapter.

Clarke froze.  
  
He was sitting there, looking a couple of pictures he held in his hand. Like it was completely normal for him to be here.  
  
"Hey Clarke" he said.  
  
"What are you doing here?" she asked. She had her cellphone in her front pocket. But her purse was hanging on the handle of the closet next to her front door. Her gun was in the purse. She made no move to leave, though. She thought about it, it would only take her about five or six steps to reach it. But the look on his face made her panic, told her it wasn't a good idea.  
  
"Well, that's not a very nice way to greet someone. Someone who came all the way from Chicago to see you" he said. He was still looking at the picture.  
  
"I didn't ask you to come here. How-how did you even know where to find me?" she asked. For some reason, she thought it was a good idea to keep him talking. Maybe it would distract him long enough for her to get to her purse. Suddenly, she regretted not asking Aurora to show her how to use the gun.  
  
"Well...after you left, and didn't even tell me, I did a little digging. I pulled up your record. There was something in there about public intoxication. Here, in Arkadia. I took a wild guess. Assumed you were here. Maybe with this guy?" he turned the picture around and she saw that it was the picture of her and Bellamy, the one she had looked at when she cleaned her room. The one she put in the drawer.

"I'm guessing this is Bellamy Blake? The person you got arrested with?" he asked. And he actually looked at her like she was supposed to answer. Like she was supposed to tell him. She didn't say anything.  
  
"I called a few random places. Asking about you. Eventually, I made contact with someone who knew who you were. Said they'd seen you at some bar. I paid them to leave you a few roses. I didn't want you to think that I'd forgotten about you. Did you get them?" he asked. He said it like it was a totally normal thing for him to do, romantic even.   
  
She stayed quiet.  
  
"No matter. I figured you'd work at the hospital. So I called. And when you answered, it- it made me so happy Clarke. I found you. I was so worried about you. Do you have any idea how worried I've been since you left?" he said.  
  
_Oh my god. HE was worried? HE was?_  
  
"I figured you were with Raven. I knew you'd never talk to me with her around. So my parent's helped me out. Don't you see?" he said, getting up. "Now we can be alone, now we can talk."  
  
She watched him. He was standing but he didn't move towards her.  
  
"I came here for you. So we could talk. So we could work it out. I actually came by last night. But you were leaving. And when I came by again today...I saw you leaving again so I followed you. Saw you at the park. With this guy and a kid."

Clarke stirred at the mention of Abel. Finn was watching them. He was watching Abel. _Oh my god. I brought this psycho here, and now he's seen Bellamy and Abel._  
  
"Finn...you need to leave. I have a restraining order" she said. Hoping that she sounded stronger than she felt.  
  
He slammed his hand down on the table and she jumped back.  
  
"I know! I know you have a fucking restraining order! How could you do that to me? After everything I did for you! How could you do that to someone who loves you!" he yelled.  
  
Clarke tried to slow her breathing, but panic was building in her chest. And his attempt to make her feel guilty, despite the fact that he was the one who was guilty, pissed her off.  
  
"Finn I have a restraining order against you because you're harassing me!" she says. She regrets it a second later. There was no use. He didn't see his actions as harassment or abuse. He saw them as love. Which was ridiculous.  
  
"I wouldn't have to harass you if you'd stop ignoring me! If you would just talk to me!" he yelled.

"Fine. I'll talk to you. Just calm down and we can talk about this" she said, putting her hands up, hoping she was convincing him. She had to calm him down. He knows she has a restraining order and he still decided to come. He must not care about his reputation as much as she thought he did. And even though talking to him was the last thing she wanted to do, she knew it was the only way to calm him down. She had to keep him calm long enough to call the police. "Why don't you sit down and I- I'll join you?"  
  
He smiled. "I'd like that" he said as he sat down.  
  
She cautiously walked towards the table and sat down across from him. She'd have to try and sneak her phone underneath the table to dial 911. But it's not like she could talk to whoever picked up? And what if he heard her? She'd have to unlock it and dial? _I have to get away long enough to call._  
  
"So what have you been up to?" he asked her. He was so casual. Like this was normal. Like he wasn't a psychopath.  
  
"Um. Not much. Just working and stuff" she said. He nodded as she spoke. She couldn't believe she was in this situation. And she hated to admit it, but she was scared. She kept hoping Raven would show up, suddenly, and save her from this.  
  
"What about you?" She asked as she put her hands under the table and slowly took her phone out of her pocket.

"Not much. Worrying about you mostly...where you were, what you were doing" he says. "Or should I say who?"  
  
His voice had an edge to it. She just looked at him.  
  
"But you didn't have that problem? Did you?" he glared at her, accusingly.  
  
"W-what? What are you talking about?"  
  
He raised his eyebrows, like he couldn't believe she was saying that.  
  
"What am I talking about? Who is he?"  
  
"It's not like that I-"  
  
"Yeah? Isn't that why you came back here?"  
  
"No, I swear it isn't-"  
  
"DON'T LIE TO ME! I FUCKING SAW YOU!" he yells and slams both fists on the table.  
Clarke jumps at the noise and her cellphone falls out of her hands and onto the floor, landing with a thump.  
  
Before she could do or say anything, he jumps out of his chair and looks underneath the table. He picks up her phone and looks at her with an expression that says _explain.  
_  
_Fuck._  
  
"What? Were you about call him? Is that it?"  
  
"No, Finn I swear-"  
  
"STOP LYING! Are you with him? Are you FUCKING him?" he yells.

He's so close to her now that she can see the vein in his forehead, the crazy look in his eye. She gets up as fast as she can and runs towards her room, just to get as far away as possible, but he's right behind her.  
  
She tries to close the door behind her but he uses all his force to shove it back so forcefully she's thrown to the ground.  
  
She turns and crawls to the other side of the room. He throws her cellphone on her bed and bends down to grab her by the shoulders. He pulls her up and faces her.  
  
"Finn you're hurting me!"  
  
"Why'd you do that?! Why are you running away from me?!" he shakes her with every syllable. "I just came here to talk to you and you won't even give me a chance! I'm trying to talk to you! And you fucking run away from me?!"  
  
"Okay just let me go and we'll talk" she says, trying to calm him down. Calm herself down. Her cellphone is so close. Just right behind her. If she could only get to it she could hit the emergency button and someone would have to come. Wouldn't they? "I'm sorry okay? I'm sorry for running just please let me go and I promise we can stay right here and talk, okay?"  
  
His grip loosens until he slowly lets go of her arms.  
  
"That's all I wanted, Clarke. That's all I wanted. I love you so much and I, I can't bear the thought of you with someone else."  
  
She feels sick. She can't believe he actually thinks he's doing this out of love.

"There-there isn't anyone else" she says. The thought makes her want to vomit. What she really wants to do is punch him in his stupid fucking face and call the police. "I- I love you too."  
  
He smiles. The asshole actually believes that she loves him. After all of this he actually believes he deserves her love.  
  
He's opened his mouth to say something when they hear a knock on the door. The both look towards the sound; Clarke with hope, Finn with anger.  
  
"Who the fuck is that? Is it him? Is it?" he says.  
  
"I-I don't know" she says. And she really didn't. Who the hell could be here right now?  
  
They listen. Clarke wonders if whoever it is would hear her scream. Would it reach the front door? If it does, they could help her. If it doesn't, they'll leave her with Finn, who would probably be angrier than ever before.  
  
Whoever it is knocks again. She takes a deep breath, prepares to scream.  
  
"I swear to fucking god if you make one sound, you're gonna wish you didn't."  
  
She exhales. He'd never said something as threatening, as violent as that.  
  
Her cellphone suddenly begins to ring. Before she can think twice she turns and throws herself on the bed, reaching for the phone. She registers that it's Bellamy. By the time she presses the little green button to take the call, Finn's on top of her, wrestling for the phone.  
  
"BELLAMY!" she screams as loud as she can.  
  
Finn wrestles the phone free and gets up and throws it across the room. She hears the screen shatter and all of the pieces fall to the floor.  
  
He turns and glares at her.  
  
"Bellamy?"

She is so screwed. If Bellamy heard her, it would take him at least 15 minutes to reach her. _But what if he's at the door? Whoever knocked stopped knocking right before he called_. But maybe he didn't hear. So even if it was him, he might think she doesn't want to answer. He's probably leaving right now, even if by some miracle it was him at the door.  
  
She's alone.  
  
She goes to scramble off of the bed but he leaps towards her. Pins her to the bed by her wrists. She struggles, tries to get free but his grip on her is so tight she can barely budge. She starts screaming at him to let her go, he starts screaming at her to _SHUT THE FUCK UP! I LOVE YOU! I'M DOING THIS BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!_  
  
He's so close to her now that she does the only thing she can think of. She smashes her forehead on his nose and the force of the blow throws his head back. His hands automatically let her go so that he can hold his face. She takes the opportunity to shove him off of her. He lands with a thud on the ground.  
  
She hears a pounding at her front door and it takes her a second to register the fact that whoever is at the door is trying to kick it in. She glances around the room and grabs her lamp.  
  
Finn was getting up and before she knew it she was smashing the lamp to the side of his head. The blow sends him reeling to the side, on the floor once again. The rage in her chest propels her forward and she brings the lamp down on his head one more time.  
  
She hears the front door open with a crash.

"CLARKE!"  
  
_It's Bellamy. Oh my god. It's actually him. He's here.  
_  
She hears him run into the kitchen and then finally to her room. He stands in the doorway, taking the scene in.  
  
She's still standing over Finn. The lamp still in her hand. When she turns to face him, the lamp drops to the floor with a thud.  
  
She takes a few fast steps towards him as he takes a few slow steps towards her. He looks her over with concerned eyes.  
  
"Are you okay?" he asks, not even glancing at Finn.  
  
She nods but her eyes fill with tears. Mostly tears of relief.  
  
"What the fuck is going on? Did he hurt you?"  
  
"No...but he tried to."  
  
Neither of them had noticed that Finn had pulled himself up.  
  
"You stupid fucking whore" he says.  
  
She sees the look on Bellamy's face as he finally looks away from her. Now he's looking at Finn and there is such an angry look in his eyes that for a second Clarke is afraid of what he might do.

He takes a few long strides towards Finn and grabs him by his shirt, throws him against the wall and then for about 30 seconds all hell breaks loose.  
  
Clarke watches from the doorway as Bellamy walks towards Finn. Finn jumps from the wall and tackles Bellamy to the ground, gets on top of him and punches him a few times. Then they are a mess of limbs until Bellamy gets out from underneath Finn and suddenly he's the one on top. Finn fights back at first but after the third punch, his arms slack and his head falls back, not even trying to get up anymore. Bellamy punches him again. And again. And again.  
  
There's blood everywhere.  
  
Clarke shakes herself out of the stupor and runs towards Bellamy. He's about to punch Finn again when she grabs his hand from behind.  
  
"Bellamy STOP IT!" she yells, "YOU'LL KILL HIM!"  
  
He stops, still on top of Finn. Who looks to be unconscious.  
  
Bellamy gets up and wipes his nose against his jacket. He was bleeding. Finn was bleeding. Blood was spattered over her carpet, her room was wrecked.  
  
They stand there, side by side, looking at an unconscious Finn lying on the floor before them for a few minutes.

"S-should I call an ambulance?" she asks. She bends down and checks his pulse. It's present and she lets out a sigh. _Thank god. He's alive._  
  
"No. I'll call Miller."  
  
He takes his cell out of his pocket and goes into the kitchen. She hears him tell Miller it's an emergency. She tunes him out for a minute, looking at Finn.  
  
Part of her wants to shake him awake, help him. The other part wants to pick the lamp up again. So she doesn't do anything at all. Just continues looking at him.  
  
About five minutes pass before Bellamy comes back in to the room. By then she'd seen Finn stir a few times. Groaning.  
  
"He's on the way. We'll take care of this" he says.  
  
"W-what are you gonna do?" a little scared to hear the answer.  
  
"We're not gonna kill him, if that's what you're worried about" he says. And then he smirks at her.  
  
She fights a smile.  
  
_You're talking about murder and you're smiling. He just beat Finn bloody and you hit him over the head twice and considered doing it again. And you're smiling._  
  
_What the fuck is wrong with us?_  
  
They stand in silence for about 10 minutes. After that, Finn wakes. He looks up at them. But she can't read his expression. He made no move to get up, though.

Bellamy bends down and grabs him by his blood soaked shirt, again. He pulls him up until he was leaning against the bed. Bellamy crouched down to look at him and the two of them studied one another for a few moments.  
  
Clarke wasn't sure what was going on, she didn't know what would happen. So she just watched.  
  
"Here's what's gonna happen" Bellamy finally said. "My friend Miller is gonna come here and arrest your ass for violating a restraining order and trespassing. I'm sure you'll be able to pay your way out of it though."  
  
He wasn't screaming at Finn. He was talking so calmly that it made the whole thing more threatening.  
  
"You'll get on a plane to Chicago. Forget all about this. But" he pauses, reaching into his jacket. Clarke lets out a little gasp as he pulls a gun out of his jacket and places it on Finn's forehead.  
  
_It's just a threat...he'd never do something like that, she thinks/hopes._  
  
"But, if you ever step foot into this town again, I promise to god it'll be the last step you take" he says. "And if you bother Clarke again, we'll come to Chicago. Apparently the people there get murdered in the street pretty often" he finishes. Pulls the gun away and puts it back inside his jacket.

"You got that?" he asks.  
  
Finn nods.  
  
A few minutes later Miller comes in, takes their statements and puts Finn in handcuffs. Stuffs him into the car with a not-so-gentle shove. He nods at them and then he's gone. The two of them stand outside for a few minutes. Unsure of what to do. Or what to say to one another.  
  
The whole evening seems like some sort of sick, twisted nightmare to Clarke. But she can't help but feel relieved that it was over. It was finally over. He would not come back. Something about the way he looked at Bellamy. The way he nodded. The way he avoided her eyes, for the first time ever, like he was afraid of her. Or maybe those blows to the head by the lamp and Bellamy's fists had finally made him realize how fucked up he was. Whatever it was, Clarke was relieved.  
  
"Can I come in?" Bellamy asks, looking over at her.  
  
She crosses her arms but she nods.  
  
He follows her inside. The door won't close so Clarke picks up one of the end tables and places it against the door. The doorknob was missing and there was a huge crack down the same side.  
  
They sit down on the couch without a word. A few minutes pass before she speaks up.  
"Can I use your phone? I need to call Raven" she says. He hands it to her and she goes to her room for some privacy. It's a little past one in the morning but she picks up after the first ring. Clarke tells her what happened. The short version.  
  
By the end of the conversation, Raven sounds relieved. She reminds Clarke that she'll be home the next day before they hang up.

She walks back into the living room to find Bellamy in the same position. She sits down and hands him the phone.  
  
She doesn't know what to say. So she says nothing.  
  
"Do you-are you gonna be okay sleeping here? You could, um, come home with me...if you want to" he says.  
  
She shakes her head. "I'll be fine."  
  
He nods.  
  
"Why'd you come back?" she suddenly asks.  
  
"I-I came back to apologize. I know that I fucked up. Like, really fucked up. I was a complete dick and by the time I got home...I realized what I'd done. Projected my anger at you. And it wasn't fair, so I came back to apologize. I knocked and when you didn't open the door I figured you didn't want to see me but I called anyway. And then when I heard you scream I knew something was wrong so....yeah. Uh, sorry about your door."  
  
She smiles a little.  
  
"But by the looks of it, you didn't really need my help" he says, smiling at her. "For a second there I thought you were about to pick the lamp up and knock me out with it, too."

She laughs a little. Wait. _Why am I laughing?_  
  
"Yeah well...I'm still glad you came. I don't know what came over me. Probably a mix of self-defense and anger."  
  
"So that's why his parents called Raven? So you would be home alone?"  
  
"Kind of but..they didn't know he was coming here. He made them think that he really wanted their help so that he could talk to Raven. And they fell for it. He, uh, he must've come a few days ago. He told me he saw me a couple of times" she says. She decided to leave the part about him and Abel though.  
  
But he must know. She can feel him getting tense again. Angry.  
  
"But it's over. Really, I think he finally got the message" she says.  
  
"I hope so" he replies. "Are you okay?"  
  
"I think so. You?"  
  
"I'm fine."  
  
They're silent again, after that.

"Look Clarke...I really am sorry. I know I fucked up. I shouldn't have acted that way. Things were going so well between us and I basically ruined everything because of a stupid fight I had with my mother. And I'm sorry."  
  
"It's okay."  
  
"No, it's not. And I swear I will understand if you never want to see me again after this. But I just came to let you know that I was sorry. I don't- I don't think those things about you. You've been nothing but good to me, and everyone else too, so you didn't deserve that. I just wanted to make sure that you knew that, that it wasn't anything you did. I've just, got a short temper or something. But that doesn't excuse what I did. And if you tell me to leave right now, I will and I promise I won't hold it against you" he says, looking at her.  
  
Clarke could understand. She kind of had a short temper too. And she knew he was being sincere with his apology.  
  
"Do you want to leave?" she asks, finally looking back at him, trying to find the answer in his eyes.  
  
"No"  
  
"Then don't" she says. For some reason, all of the fight finally goes out of her. "Don't go" she whispers.

"I won’t. I'll be around as long as you want me to be" he says. And then he moves over so that he's sitting beside her. Hesitantly, he puts his arm around her shoulder. She leans into it.  
  
The funny thing is, she doesn't feel like crying or anything. At first she did, after everything that had happened with Finn. But Bellamy was right.  
  
She was grateful to see him and of course she was glad he came but he was right. She had Finn on the ground. If he wouldn't have come in at that moment she probably could've still taken him on. Hit him a few more times for good measure and then found his phone to call the police. He still would have been arrested. Either way though, she was glad that Bellamy had come.  
  
It had made it easier for her. She was glad he was there, that she didn't have to do this alone.  
  
They sit like that for a while. But it doesn't feel like it did before. This silence was welcomed, it let them breathe and process what they'd just done. What she'd just been through.  
  
"We'd better get cleaned up and go to bed. It's late" she says.  
  
"Okay, I, uh, I can sleep on the couch."  
  
"Well duh. What'd you expect? To sleep in my room?" she teases.  
  
"Shut up" he says as he rolls his eyes.  
  
She laughs and tells him to go to the bathroom while she gets the first aid kit from the kitchen. "I should look at those cuts."

He agrees.  
  
She joins him in the bathroom and tells him to sit on the toilet. He'd washed his face so that it was clear of blood. She could see a cut on the bridge of his nose, one at his bottom lip. But neither one was bad. He would definitely have a black eye tomorrow, though, if the swelling was anything to go by.  
  
She cleans the cuts and the ones on his knuckles and puts a little antiseptic on them. He refuses the Band-Aid though.  
  
"Come on!"  
  
"No. It's just a little cut, I'll be fine. The Band-Aid would just irritate me. I hate having shit on my face so no thanks. But thanks for cleaning me up, doc."  
  
She sighs and rolls her eyes at the same time.  
  
"Fine. Your funeral."  
  
"It's just a cut. Or is there something you're not telling me?" he teases.  
  
_Ugh. Why the hell does this feel so normal? Like a typical Saturday night. We literally beat someone up and sent them to jail. God. It's like we're teenagers again._  
  
"Do you mind getting out now? I'd like to take a shower."

"Oh, yeah, of course" he scrambles a little before leaving. She laughs to herself.  
  
After her shower, Clarke feels remarkably better. Not that she was feeling too bad before, but something about being clean makes everything a better. Like it washes off whatever's bothering you.  
  
After she changes into a big t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants, she tiptoes her way back to the living room.  
  
"You asleep?"  
  
"No"  
  
"Okay, um, let me get you and extra pillow and a blanket" she says before walking to the closet in the living room and pulling out a fleecy blanket and a pillow.  
  
She walks back to the couch and blushes a little when she notices he's sitting on her couch in his boxers.  
  
"Sorry for....my nakedness. I hope that's okay. My shirt was bloody and I didn't really wanna sleep in my jeans."

"No..um...it's totally fine. It's your body and I'm not sleeping here so you can sleep however you want to. But if-if you want something to wear I probably have like, a big shirt, or maybe even one of your old ones? Then again I don't know if it'll fit anymore so maybe that's pointless so...." _Oh. God. Yeah, he's definitely not a boy anymore,_ she thought.  
  
He smirks at her.  
  
"Why are you nervous?"  
  
"I'm not!"  
  
"Then why are you rambling?"  
  
"I-I'm not!"  
  
He just looks at her, one eyebrow slightly raised.  
  
She throws the pillow at his head, followed by the blanket. He laughs.  
  
"Goodnight Bellamy"  
  
"Goodnight Clarke"  
  
She walks to the kitchen to turn the light off before going back to her room. After the light is off, she speaks up again.  
  
"Hey Bellamy?"

"Yeah?"  
  
"Thanks for....thanks for coming. And for staying the night."  
  
"Anytime."  
  
With that, she walks back to her room and closes the door behind her. She was pretty sure her lamp was broken so she walks to the window and opens the curtains, hoping to let a little light in. It does. But barely.  
  
She gets under her comforter, thinking about the lamp and the blood on her carpet. _I'll clean it up tomorrow. And that'll be that. I will never come back to this night. I am finally safe._  
  
She gets the urge to call Bellamy. To ask him to sleep with her, feeling like a little human contact would comfort her. But she decides against it. Yeah, she'd accepted his apology. But she didn't know where that left them. _Go to sleep, Clarke_ she told herself, _before you do something stupid. Again._

* * *

 

In the morning, the sound of his cell phone ringing wakes him.  
  
Bellamy turned and picked his phone up from where he'd placed it on the coffee table. He looks at the screen. Octavia.  
  
It's Sunday and almost 11 am. He was late. _Fuck.  
_  
He considered not answering for a second. But he knew she'd call back. And he'd have to explain himself eventually.  
  
"Hey, O"  
  
"Finally! God, what took you so long? And where are you? You're late, again. We started without you."  
  
"Um. Right, sorry. I-I slept in. I kind of just woke up. I'll be there as soon as possible."  
  
"Well, hurry up. And why didn't you set an alarm or something? And why'd you sleep so late in the first place? You never do that anymore."  
  
"Long story. I'll be there as soon as I can, okay?"  
  
"Sure" she said. She sounded suspicious.

He hung up and decided that he better get going. He'd have to go home first, to change and get his car. He gets up and puts his jeans on. He looks around for his shirt but he notices it's bloody and gross so he throws it in the trashcan in Clarke's kitchen. It was just a plain white t-shirt, anyway. He walked back to the living room and folded the blanket he'd used. He placed it, along with the pillow, in a nice pile on one of the couch cushions.  
  
He thought about waking Clarke up. Maybe it was rude to leave without saying anything? And he couldn't even text her to let her know what had happened. But he sure as hell wasn't about to dig around her house for something to write with.  
  
They had a late night, though. And she was probably exhausted. He should just go and drop by later to let her know why he left.  
  
He jumps at the sound of her clearing her throat a few feet away.  
  
"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you" she says, smiling at him a little.  
  
"S'okay. You just startled me a bit, I thought you were still sleeping. Did I wake you?"  
  
"Yeah, I heard you talking."  
  
"Shit, sorry."

"It's fine. You obviously didn't mean to" she says, looking at the couch where he'd folded the blanket. She smirks at him. "Sorry if I got in the way of your plans. Looks like you will have to talk to me, after all."  
  
"That's not what I was trying-" he begins. But decides to stop because that is what he was planning on doing. "It's just that I didn't want to wake you because I know you had a long night. I figured you were probably tired. It's not because I didn't want to talk to you."  
  
"I know...I'm just teasing" she says.  
  
"Asshole" he says, shaking his head.  
  
"I know" she says, sticking her tongue out.  
  
"Well, I need to get going. But I'll drop by in a few hours and do something about the door. If that's okay?"  
  
"Um, yeah. Sure. But don't you usually do something with Abel on Sunday afternoons?"  
  
"Yeah, I was gonna bring him with me. If that's okay? If not I can just leave him with my mother for a couple of hours" he says, shrugging.  
  
"No! No! I-I only asked to make sure I wasn't like...bothering you or something. I-I'd love it if you brought him" she says, flustered. Her cheeks were turning a little pink.

"Okay then, I will" he says. He picks up his jacket and his phone.  
  
"Hey, why didn't you tell me you carried a gun? I told you?" she asks.  
  
"Because I usually don't...but about a year ago, some crackhead tried to attack my mother in the parking lot outside of some grocery store downtown, and she had Abel with her. So...sometimes I carry" he shrugs.  
  
"Oh. Makes sense" she said, nodding.  
  
"Well I better get going" he says, making his way to the front door.  
  
"Hey! You better put that jacket on. I have neighbors!" she yells after him.  
  
"I am! Not like I was planning on giving anyone a free show" he yells back.

* * *

Bellamy goes home, takes a quick shower and gets into his car.  
  
His eye wasn't black...but it was definitely bruised. More of a light purple around the edge, the color deepening in the center. He did have the cut on his lip, which was a little swollen, and the one on the bridge of his nose. His knuckles were all cut up.  
  
Fuck. There's no way they won't notice. They'll know he was in a fight. He hasn't been in a fight in years, though. They would probably make it about Clarke, use his face as an excuse to start an argument and put her down.  
  
He thought about just not showing up. It was stupid but he really wasn't in the mood to argue with them. Then again, they'd see him whenever he came to pick Abel up.  
  
He rolled his eyes, a little ashamed and very annoyed at himself for considering avoiding his family. It was stupid. They were bound to say something; he'd just have to ignore them.  
  
He went inside and saw Abel sitting in the living room, playing on the floor and watching cartoons at the same time. Everyone else was in the dining room. He heard Octavia say "finally" in an annoyed voice.  
  
He bent down and picked Abel up. Hugged him, kissed him. Asked him how he was. He answered while tracing his little finger over the cut on Bellamy's nose.  
  
He sets him down before taking a deep breath and turning to face the dining room. He walks and sits down without a word, but he can feel everyone at the table looking at him.

It's almost 12 so he knows Kane will be leaving any minute. He hates to admit it but he wishes that Kane could stay so he could calm Aurora down when she (unavoidably) freaks out. He realizes he forgot to get a mug so he gets up and finds one in one of the cupboards. Walking back to the table, he finally glances around to make eye contact with whoever was staring but, surprisingly, Kane was the only one who was looking at him.  
  
His mother and Octavia weren't looking at him but he could tell they were tense. Lincoln just looked like he was trying to look at anything besides the people at the table.  
  
Kane raised his eyebrows, asking _are you okay?_  
  
Bellamy nodded at him. He nodded back. That was it.  
  
That was another reason Bellamy really liked Kane. He asked the important questions. _What's wrong? Are you okay? What happened?_ And avoids all the bullshit. Once he knew the answer, he'd stop asking. He wouldn't keep pushing. And he always always always believed Bellamy.  
  
"Um, well I think we better get going Lincoln?" Kane said.  
  
Lincoln visibly relaxed; like he was just waiting for Kane to say that. He nodded and they got up and exchanged goodbyes with the two ladies at the table and left.

Bellamy was still standing by the table, looking after them. _They are probably so relieved right now_. Because they won't be here for this. He considers following them for a few seconds, but decides against it. _Better to just get it over with._  
  
He sat back down next to Octavia. Their mother at the head of the table. He turned and looked at them. Octavia wasn't looking at him but his mother was.  
  
"So" he begins, "What's going on? What have you two been up to lately?" he says in a casual voice.  
  
Octavia’s head whips up, she glares at him. His mother continues to look at him. Bellamy fights back a smile. A laugh.  
  
Octavia notices.  
  
"What the hell are you laughing about?" she says, pissed off. But he notices that she's fighting a smile too. A small one. But it's definitely there.  
  
They did that a lot. When there was obviously something to talk about, they would act totally normal and ignore the subject. Like when they sat down for dinner, and everyone knew it was report card day, Octavia would start talking about some random thing she'd read once in a history book or something. They would both try to keep the conversation going, fighting smiles and trying not to laugh, until their mother told them to cut it out and show her.  
  
"Nothing" he said.

"Cut the shit Bellamy, what happened to your face?" she says. Apparently she didn't feel like joking around today.  
  
He sighed. He hadn't really thought of what to tell them, or anyone else who asked.  
"Nothing. I got in a fight. But I'm fine" he says after a long pause.  
  
"With who?" Octavia says.  
  
"It's not important. It's over" he says.  
  
"I think we both know who this is about, Octavia" his mother says coolly.  
  
Bellamy sips on his coffee. Wishing he had a cigarette. He hasn't smoked in years but something about this situation made him want to do so.  
  
"Yeah, who else would it be?" Octavia says in the same voice.  
  
"Yeah, you're both right. I got into a fist fight with Clarke. She hits much harder than I thought she would" he says. Trying not to laugh. But he can't help it, he smiles.  
  
They don't find it as funny as he does.  
  
Octavia shakes her head. His mother continues looking at him with the same angry, cold expression.  
  
"You think this is funny?" she asks.  
  
"Yeah, I do, actually" he says.  
  
"Oh? Is that so? Because I don't see anything funny about this situation, Bellamy. No, you didn't get into a fight with Clarke, but she was probably the reason behind the fight. What happened? Someone called her a bitch and you thought you'd teach them a lesson?"  
  
He concentrates on putting a little jelly on a piece of toast. _Focus on the toast._  
  
"I can't believe we're back here again. What are you going to tell Abel when he asks, hm? Did you even consider that? Did you even think about him at all? Or were you too busy staring at Clarke's ass?"

That gets to him. He might be a lot of things. But he was _not_ a bad father. He was sure of it.  
  
"Shut the fuck up" he says. He regrets it a second later. He hasn't talked to his mother that way in a long time. And now, whenever he thought about how he used to act around her, what he used to say, he's ashamed.  
  
"Excuse me?" she says, her eyebrows raised. She crosses her arms over her chest and leans back in the chair. Octavia just looks at Bellamy.  
  
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I said it like that. I meant to say...You can insult me all you want, you can insult Clarke all you want, but don't you ever bring Abel into these conversations."  
  
"Well, someone has to look out for him while you're out doing god knows what!" she spits, probably just as angry him.  
  
He wants to yell at her, he's probably angrier than he was last night. But he glances at Abel, sitting in the living room. He takes a few deep breaths and tries to bring his voice down.  
  
"Listen. I may be a lot of things. A shitty person. A terrible son. I can live with that. But don't you ever fucking try to make me feel like I'm a bad father. I know I'm a good father. I care about him more than anyone in this world. I love him more than anyone in this world. I take care of him. Me. And yeah I needed you in the beginning but I don't need shit from anyone. Not anymore. Because _I_ am all he needs."

She looks a little hurt. But he doesn't care. She will not bring Abel into these conversations to try and guilt trip him about something else, like Clarke.  
  
"I bring him here because _you_ want me to. Yeah it's nice to get some time to myself but once he starts kindergarten, I'll get that. I don't need it right now. Don't you ever fucking say something like that again. I look out for him. More than anyone ever will. I always have and I'll continue to do so, with or without you."  
  
He doesn't feel bad about it.  
  
Octavia isn't looking at either of them, her eyes glued to her coffee. Bellamy keeps his eyes on his mother, daring her to argue back. But she doesn't. She looks down. Looks a little ashamed.  
  
"Bellamy, I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. You're a great father. I don't know why I said that" she shakes her head. "I'm just worried about you."  
  
"I know. And I appreciate it. But I'm fine. I got in a fight but everything's okay. And it wasn't for some stupid reason, which I'm sure doesn't mean much to you, but it wasn't. So...yeah."  
  
He hadn't gone off on his mother like that in a long, long time. After that, she didn't have much to say. At some point he started to feel a little guilty. Yeah, they'd had some bad times, but she was a good mother. Probably better than he deserved.

She cared for him. And yeah she was fiercely protective, but only because she cared so much. And he knew that all of this stemmed from the distrust and dislike she had for Clarke. She was never like this when he was with Echo. Despite all of her problems, his mother cared for her. She was just as upset as he was with the drug thing, but she got over it quicker, probably because her own mother had similar problems. She was a drug addict too. That made it easier for Aurora to sympathize with and understand Echo.  
  
Before he left, he decided to apologize for how he talked to her. She accepted it with a nod but said nothing else.  
  
He put Abel in the car and drove to Home Depot. He went ahead and just bought a new door and went home to get a few things he'd need to install it. He told Abel they were going to spend some time with Clarke while they had lunch and he didn't seem to mind.  
  
Later that afternoon, they got to her house and she greeted them by the front door. She let them inside and Bellamy sat on the couch with Abel. Clarke sat down on the recliner and for a few minutes, things were a little awkward.  
  
Bellamy decided that he should probably get started with the door. He went to his car to get the new one and his tools. When he came back, he started removing the old one from its hinges. He could hear Clarke trying to make conversation with Abel. Something about browsing through her Netflix to try and find something Abel would find entertaining.  
  
He tried not to eavesdrop but it was hard, with them only a few feet away. They settled on some animated movie with talking animals and after that they were quiet. He looked inside and noticed that Clarke had moved to sit on the couch next to Abel.  
  
After about 15 minutes Clarke asked Abel if he wanted a snack.  
  
"What kind of snack?" he asked.  
  
She paused the movie and asked him to come to the kitchen with her. They got up and she grabbed his hand and led him to the kitchen. She gave Bellamy a hesitant smile as the passed him. He smiled back, reassuringly (he hoped).  
  
He heard her opening the cabinets and pull things out to show Abel. She must've went to the store or something. He didn't know that many 25 year old's that carried kiddy snacks, things like fruit roll-ups and Go-Gurt.  
  
After a little while they walked back out, Clarke carrying about five different things, and sat back down to watch the movie.  
  
When he was finished, he went back inside and joined them. After he sat down, he took a chance to peek at Clarke. She was watching the movie but she had a small bag of fruit snacks in her hand. Every so often, Abel would reach over and pick one up. She looked down and smiled at him.  
  
When she finally looked at him, he didn't look away, he just smiled at her. It felt comfortable. She smiled back at him before turning back to the movie. Abel sat, oblivious, between the two of them.

* * *

 

Bellamy and Abel left a little before 8. She'd had a good time. A really good time. She had wanted to get closer to Abel, get him used to having her around because she wanted to stay. She wanted to make it work with Bellamy. She wanted Abel to like her.  
  
The thought scared her. But she knew that's what she wanted.  
  
Raven came home around 8:30. They hugged. Clarke told her everything that had happened. Even about Bellamy, and everything that had happened between them. Raven was worried, but she seemed to accept everything Clarke had told her.  
  
She went to shower and Clarke decided to make them some coffee. The sat down on the couch and Raven told her about her trip.  
  
Around 9:30, someone knocked on their front door. The both got up and made their way to the door, some silent agreement between them. They would face whoever it was together.  
  
Clarke looked through the peephole and saw Octavia standing there. _What's she doing here?_ Clarke thought before opening the door.  
  
"Hey" Octavia said. She looked a little mad.  
  
"Hey" Clarke said, cautiously. Had something happened?  
  
"I need to talk to you" she said. She glanced at Raven. "Privately."

Clarke let her in. Raven went to her room and Clarke sat back down on the couch. Octavia stood in the living room, leaning against the wall.  
  
"So what happened?" she asked.  
  
Clarke knew this must've been about the night before. She thought about it for a few minutes. She wasn't sure how she felt about telling her. She was about to speak up when Octavia spoke instead.  
  
"Scratch that. It's probably none of my business anyway. What are you doing, Clarke?"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Don't play dumb. You know what I'm talking about. What are you doing with my brother?"  
  
"I-I'm not doing anything. We're just....spending some time together. Trying to get to know one another again."  
  
"Why? You know him well enough. He sure as hell knows you."  
  
"It's been 8 years Octavia. We've both changed. We're different people. We just want to know each other again" Clarke said. She felt a little ridiculous. She and Bellamy were both grown-ups. They didn't need to justify their relationship to his little sister.  
  
"No you're not" she said, coldly. "You're the same person you've always been. And by the looks of it....so is he. While you're around, anyway."  
  
That pissed Clarke off. She knew exactly what Octavia was trying to say.

"You don't know anything, Octavia. You haven't even given me a chance, not since I've been back. And I understand why. I do. But Bellamy wants to. And frankly, that's all that matters where our relationship is concerned."  
  
"You think so? You don't know shit, Clarke. You weren't here. You didn't see what had happened to him. How fucked up he was after you left. And he-he got better and now you're just pulling him down again!" she yelled.  
  
Clarke got up. She was not going to be bullied by Octavia Blake.  
  
"I know that! I was fucked up too! You think I didn't care?"  
  
"Obviously. Since you never even bothered to contact him again! And now you're back. And probably in trouble- no, you ARE in trouble. That's why his face is all fucked up, isn't it?"  
  
"That's none of your business!"  
  
"HE'S MY BROTHER! IT IS MY FUCKING BUSINESS!"  
  
They were standing so close now, just a few inches away from one another. Clarke heard Raven's door open. She heard them screaming at each other. She probably wanted to make sure that they didn't try to kill one another.  
  
"HE'S A GROWN ASS MAN! HE DOESN'T NEED YOUR FUCKING PROTECTION OR YOUR GODDAMN APPROVAL!"  
  
Octavia was breathing heavy, her fists were clenched. _She'll probably punch me any second._  
  
"How fucking dare you?" Octavia said, shaking her head.

"How fucking dare YOU? You come here, insult me, and think I'm just gonna take it? No. I won't. And like I said, it's none of your business in the first place. You've been such a bitch since I've been back, and I don't expect you to forgive me but you will NOT treat me like this! And whatever the fuck I decide to do with Bellamy isn't any of your business!"  
  
"Well someone's got to look out for him! Who's gonna be around when you up and leave again?"  
  
Raven walks up to them, her hands up. "Guys, calm down. You can talk about this."  
  
"I-I don't plan on leaving Octavia. I'm not going to hurt him" Clarke says.  
  
"Wow, that's great Clarke. That makes me feel so much better" Octavia spits out. "You didn't plan it last time either but it happened."  
  
"STOP BLAMING ME FOR LEAVING! YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT I'D BEEN THROUGH! WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH SINCE THEN! I HAD TO LEAVE!" Clarke screams. She can't help herself. Angry tears blur her vision.  
  
"I had no idea? I HAD NO IDEA?" Octavia yells back. "I was here! I was here the entire time!"  
  
Clarke shakes her head. Raven was still standing between them.  
  
"This isn't just about Bellamy anymore. He has Abel now, Clarke. He doesn't need any trouble, and by the looks of it, that's all you've brought since you've been back. He's already different" Octavia said. She wasn't yelling anymore. "He has a family, Clarke. You will _never_ fit into his life again. You don't _belong_ in his life anymore. He's better off without you. All you do is cloud his judgement and suffocate him" she finished. Cold.  
  
Even though Octavia was standing a few feet away, Clarke feels like she'd just punched her. Punched her in the stomach and kicked her in the chest for good measure. She felt like she couldn't breathe.

"Octavia..." Raven says.  
  
Clarke just glares at her, hating herself for tearing up even more. A few drops fall from her eyes and before she knows it, she's running to her room. She hears Raven yelling after her, but she can't find it in her heart to stop. She slams the door and leans back against it, dropping to the floor.  
  
She feels so stupid. So weak for running away. But if she would have stayed she would have really begun to cry and she was not going to give Octavia the satisfaction of seeing her in tears.  
  
Everything Octavia had said was replaying over and over in a loop. _You will never fit into his life again_. Suddenly she felt like she was back in that kitchen, talking to Aurora, 8 years ago. _He's better off without you._  
  
She could hear Raven and Octavia arguing in the living room, but the thoughts in her head were so loud she couldn't make out what they were saying. She felt the same way she had that morning with Aurora. Like she couldn't breathe. Like she was suffocating. _All you do is cloud his judgement and suffocate him._  
  
_No_ , she thought. _I'm not suffocating. I'm the suffocator.  
_  
She brought her knees up and wrapped her arms around them. _Why is it that every time I start to feel better, something happens. Someone brings me back down._  
  
She hated herself for crying. She hated herself for letting Octavia get to her. She hated herself for considering that maybe she was right.  
  
_What's the point? They're all right, things will never change._  
  
She finally heard Octavia leaving. Raven knocked on her door lightly, gently, as if she was afraid. "Clarke..." she said, her voice uncharacteristically low. “Please...just let me in."

She didn't want to. She felt so embarrassed. So angry.  
  
But this was Raven. Probably the only real friend she had anymore.  
  
Clarke opened the door and let Raven in. They sat down on the bed and Clarke just wiped her eyes and tried to stop her lip from quivering. She felt so stupid. She was 25 years old and she was crying because her ex boyfriends sister yelled at her.  
  
Raven put her arm on Clarke's back. "Clarke...it's okay to be upset. I'm sure what she said hurt your feelings. You don't have to pretend like it didn't just because you think it shouldn't" she said. Clarke looked at her. Raven always knew how she was feeling, what thoughts were running through her head.  
  
Clarke nodded and leaned into her friend, resting her head on her shoulders.  
  
"I-I knew she felt that way. I just thought that...things were getting better between us. Like she didn't hate me anymore and then-she just...she just....basically..." _Oh god. Just stop._ She was stuttering. Her lip was quivering even harder than before. "She basically said...what I've been thinking....fearing...and she-she voiced those thoughts and I" she cut herself off with a sob. She put her hand over her eyes. She hated crying in front of people.  
  
"Stop it" Raven said gently, pulling Clarke's hand down from her face. "Clarke, she only said those things because she was upset. And I'm sure if she actually knew about last night, about Finn, then she wouldn't have said those things. She's just....trying to be careful" Raven said.

Clarke got up. "Are you actually defending her right now?" she asked.  
  
"No, Clarke, no! She was really rude and the shit she said was totally unnecessary. But you should try to look at it from her perspective Clarke. She doesn't know anything. You haven't told her and you guys...she doesn't know you, Clarke. If she did, I'm sure she wouldn't have said any of that."  
  
"But she doesn't want to! She doesn't want to know me! She won't even give me a fucking chance!"  
  
"Clarke! Calm down" Raven said, gently. "She will. Just...just try to talk to her. Try to make her understand. If you want to. You don't have to but if you want to make it...okay...between the two of you, you should try to talk to her."  
  
Clarke shook her head. _Why should I? She's been nothing but a bitch to me since I've gotten here. I missed her but now I don't remember why._  
  
"But if you don't...then that's okay too. You're right. Whatever is going on between you and Bellamy is no one else's business."  
  
"What should I do?" Clarke asks, desperately.  
  
"I think...you should try to talk to her, to them."

"But what if she's right? What if everything she said was true?" Clarke asks, looking at Raven like she had all the answers.  
  
"I-I don't know Clarke. From what I've heard...and, you know, from what you've told me...it was fucked up, but Clarke you have to remember that you're not the same person you were back then. And from what I can tell, neither is he. He's a nice guy, Clarke. He's a good dad."  
  
Raven got up and stood right in front of her.  
  
"You're a great person, I know, because I'm your best friend. So, maybe it'll work. Maybe it won't. But you should find out for yourself. Don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve whatever it is that you want. You have a good heart. I know you" she says grabbing one of Clarke's hands, "I know you" she said, making sure Clarke was looking her in the eye.  
  
Clarke just nodded. She felt too emotionally drained to do anything besides crawl into bed with Raven, letting her stroke her hair and comfort her with quiet words. _Even if everything goes to shit, I'll still have Raven. But Octavia is wrong. I belong here. We both do._

* * *

 

Needless to say, she felt like shit the next morning. She got up for work and noticed how red and puffy her eyes were. She'd cried a lot this weekend. She'd cried a lot since she'd come back.  
  
She went to work and hoped no one would notice. She didn't feel like coming up with some excuse. But she was glad she was going, it would provide her with a distraction. She could avoid thinking about everything that had happened this weekend.  
  
Last night, she'd thought about leaving again. She hated that she did, but she did. She couldn't help it. She just thought about how much easier it would be to go somewhere new, where no one knew her, and be someone else. She could make new friends who weren't hurt by her actions, she could be with someone who didn't know about the worst things she'd ever done. She could avoid all this drama. She wouldn't have to explain or defend herself to anyone.  
  
But she thought of Raven. She thought of Bellamy and Abel. She couldn't leave. Not when she'd be leaving so many pieces of her heart here with them. Could she?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title inspired by "Where's My Love" by SYML aka one of the most Bellarke-y songs in existence <3
> 
> I've been updating slower than usual, mostly due to the fact that I've recently graduated and started a new job so I've been busy. Again, thank yall for the feedback!
> 
> You guys are the best :) <3


	9. I want all that is not mine; I want him (but we're not right)

Her Monday had been eventful and busy, so she picked up another shift on Tuesday so she could have that Friday off.  
  
She started regretting it on Wednesday morning, though, when she realized how tired she was. She sat in her office and yawned, already on her fourth cup of coffee from the break-room. She had worked later than usual on Monday and Tuesday, so she still hadn't had a chance to go pick up a new phone. She had her father’s old watch though. But she hadn't really talked to anyone other than Raven for the past three days. Well, Raven and her patients.  
  
She wanted to call Bellamy, and she did have the phone in her office, but she didn't have his phone number memorized and she was too tired to call at night when she'd gotten home from work. That's what she told herself.  
  
_Ugh. Okay, so maybe I am a little nervous. But I don't have any reason to be. Things are going great between us. He probably doesn't know about my fight with Octavia. And even if he did, there was no way he knew I had considered leaving. And I'm not anymore! So why am I nervous? I haven't done anything wrong._  
  
She shook her head. _Stop it._  
  
She went back to charting and decided that maybe tomorrow she'd (casually) drop by the garage.

When she got home that night, she was more tired than she could remember being since she'd quit her job in Chicago. Raven had made them dinner, but about halfway through the meal Clarke started dozing off.  
  
"Oh my god! I'm talking and you're falling asleep" Raven said, looking at her.  
  
"Sorry Raven, it's not you, I swear. I've just had a long day" she says, shaking herself awake.  
  
"It's okay. Why don't you finish up and head to bed? I'll clean up" Raven said.  
  
"No, it's fine. It's my turn anyway. And you cooked" Clarke said. She didn't want to. She really didn't want to, but she was not going to be that kind of roommate.  
  
"It's okay, Clarke. I promise. I can tell that you're tired. I'll let you do the dishes for the next five days, okay? My treat" Raven said, fake-smiling at her.  
  
"Ha-ha. I'd think of a witty comeback...but I'm tired. So. Thank you. I really appreciate it." She got up and gave Raven a kiss on the cheek before saying goodnight.

She was asleep only a few minutes after her head hit the pillow.

* * *

 

The next morning, she woke up a little past 10, feeling like a brand new person. Sometimes a girl just needed to sleep for 13 hours.  
  
She stepped outside, into the cool Autumn air and took a few deep breaths. She loved mornings like these. It didn't make sense, but for some reason she felt hopeful.  
  
She went inside and made some coffee, drank it while she got ready to go. She decided to go pick up a new phone and then stop by the garage and surprise Raven with lunch. It wasn't that special, but she just felt like doing something nice for her best friend. Raven had truly been the most supportive friend through the past few months. Years, really. And that night, after her fight with Octavia, Raven had made her feel better. Tamed the fear rising in her chest. Reminded her that she was good, that she was loved.  
  
The least she could do is bring her some lunch.  
  
She got out of her car and made her way to the garage. She saw a few people working on a few of the cars lined up but she couldn't spot Raven. She was pretty much inside when she heard someone speak up.  
  
"Looking for someone?"  
  
Clarke turned and saw Aurora standing in the doorway of the little office located on the right side of the garage.

"Yeah, Raven" Clarke said. She was pretty sure she sounded a little rude but she didn't care. No doubt Aurora thought she was here for Bellamy. She wasn't. But she wouldn't mind it if she saw him, too.  
  
"You just missed her. She and a couple others just left to get some lunch downtown" Aurora said. She was standing with her arms crossed over her chest but her voice didn't sound harsh or anything, like it had been the past few times they talked.  
  
"Oh" Clarke said. Looking around for Bellamy or Monty.  
  
"Bellamy, Jasper and Monty went with her" Aurora said, like she was reading Clarke's mind.  
  
Suddenly Clarke felt embarrassed. Stupid, even. She was standing in the middle of the garage with a bag of food. None of her friends were here. They'd left to get lunch together and she was here, alone, like a loser.  
  
"What'd you bring?" Aurora asks.  
  
"Uh, Chinese. Um. Some vegetable stir-fry and orange chicken. Soup too" she said, even though she wasn't sure why she hadn't left already.  
  
"Well come on in, then. I'll eat with you" Aurora said, smirking.

Clarke wasn't sure why, but she decided to walk towards the office. She knew Aurora hated her. But there was a time when she didn't. Fixing her relationship with Aurora would probably solve a lot of problems. _Ugh but can I? Can I even fix it? She fucking hates me?_  
  
They sit in the office (with the door open), across from each other and eat in silence. Clarke thought it was awkward. Really fucking awkward, but she didn't want to back down. She wouldn't back down. If Aurora wanted to argue, Clarke would argue back. If she wanted to act like this was totally normal, Clarke would join her. But she would not be pushed away. She would not let Aurora mess things up for her.  
  
"So how's your mom?" Aurora randomly asks.  
  
"She's good. She's back in Chicago" Clarke answers.  
  
Aurora nods. They continue eating in silence.  
  
Suddenly someone comes up and stands by the door. They both look up and find Roma in the doorway. She notices Clarke and her eyes narrow, a disgusted look on her face.  
  
"What the hell are you doing here?" she spits.  
  
"Eating, obviously" Clarke says, rolling her eyes.  
  
"Aurora, what the hell why is she even here?" Roma whines.  
  
"To eat, obviously" Aurora says, smirking.

Clarke fights back a smile.  
  
"What can I help you with?" Aurora asks, tone turning professional.  
  
"Where's Bellamy?" Roma asks, making an effort not to look at Clarke.  
  
"I have no idea sweetheart" Aurora says, "Your guess is as good as mine."  
  
"Oh. Well tell him come see me when he gets in, I'll be in the bar. It's important" Roma says before turning away dramatically, and walking out of the office.  
  
"I'm sure it is" Aurora says, rolling her eyes. Trying not to smile at Clarke.  
  
_What the hell is she doing? Why is she....being so normal?_ Clarke thinks. _And what the fuck does Roma want with Bellamy? Oh my god, is he still seeing her??_  
  
Clarke turns back to her food. A little surprised by Aurora. A little angry at Bellamy. She would definitely have to talk to him when he got back. There was no way she'd be willing to _share_ him, or whatever.  
  
They finish their meal in silence. Clarke was hoping that Raven and the others would be back by now, but there was no sign of them. She didn't want to wait here with Aurora. But she didn't want to wait in her car either. And she definitely didn't want to wait in the bar.  
  
"Go get your purse" Aurora says after coming back from the restroom.

"What? Why?" Clarke asks.  
  
"I want to teach you a thing or two about using a gun" Aurora says and looks at Clarke like she's saying _well what are you waiting for._  
  
Clarke goes to her car and takes her purse out. _This has been the strangest day._  
  
She follows Aurora all the way around the garage, to the back of the building where they didn't really keep anything besides a few picnic tables and a grill. There was a tree with a poster attached to it.  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"Sometimes we come out here and play. Whoever was here last must have replaced the poster. Now come on, stop wasting my time" Aurora said.  
  
Clarke rolled her eyes. But she took her gun out and looked at Aurora. "Okay so..." she stood a little ways from the tree. Aurora grabbed her shoulders and pulled her back a few feet. She was right behind Clarke.  
  
She put her hand over Clarke's, which were gripping the gun, holding it up.  
  
"Now I know you're gonna want to pull the trigger. But don't. You have to squeeze it. Gently enough to just press it down, not slam it down" she said. Putting her finger on Clarke's to show her.

She lets go and shows Clarke how the safety works. Afterwards, Aurora steps back and Clarke gets into position. She aims the gun at the poster on the tree and takes the few deep breaths. She squeezes the trigger and her hands reel a little at the kick, but not enough to make her miss. She actually hits the tree. It's not the exact spot she was going for...but it was close.  
  
She laughed and looked back at Aurora, who was smirking at her.  
  
"Try again."  
  
And so she does. A few times.  
  
They walk back to the garage. Clarke decides to wait at the picnic tables, hoping they'll be back soon. She and Aurora were about to part ways before Aurora said, "Hey, come with me for a second" a smile on her face.  
  
Clarke's a little worried by that smile. She follows Aurora to the parking lot.  
  
"You want some real practice? Hand me your gun" Aurora says.  
  
"What?" Clarke exclaims.  
  
"Give it to me" Aurora says, still smiling.  
  
Clarke hesitates but slowly hands Aurora the gun.

Aurora suddenly aims at one of the cars. The license plate reads "R0MA81". She shoots one of the tires and it deflates, the rim slamming to the ground.  
  
She looks at Clarke and hands the gun back to her, a question in her eye.  
  
Clarke smiles and takes the gun. Aims it at the second tire and shoots. The bullet slices through it and Roma's car is only on two tires now.  
  
Clarke puts the gun away and smiles at Aurora, who looks impressed. She walks away without a word. Clarke goes and sits down on one of the picnic tables.  
  
_What the hell just happened? What is she trying to do? Stop it,_ she thought to herself. _I'm just being paranoid._ Yes, that was it.  
  
_Or am I?_

* * *

 

About half an hour later, Raven, Jasper, Monty and Bellamy come back. They see her sitting on the picnic table and make their way to her, as a group.  
  
"Hey, what are you doing here? Is everything okay?" Raven asks, looking worried.  
  
"Yeah, everything's fine. I actually came by to bring you some lunch, but you were gone" Clarke says, teasing. "Ditched me for these guys" she looks at the boys.  
  
"Well you should have told me. I didn't think I had a better option" Raven says.  
  
"Ouch, so we're your second choice?" Jasper says, dramatically putting his hand on his heart. "I'm hurt, Raven. Really."  
  
They talk for a few minutes before they decide it's time to get back to work. Jasper, Monty and Raven leave. Bellamy stays and sits beside her on the picnic table.  
  
"Sorry I haven't really talked to you. I had work" she says "and I just got a new phone today."  
  
"It's fine. Raven told me" he says "I've been a little busy too, these past couple of days."

"Are you seeing anyone?" she asks before she can stop herself. _Whatever. Don't beat around the bush._  
  
"Um, what?" he says, looking surprised.  
  
She rolls her eyes. Pissed off that he avoided the question.  
  
"Are you seeing anyone? Besides me?" she says, narrowing her eyes at him.  
  
"No" he says "Why would you think that?"  
  
"Because your little friend Roma is looking for you. Why is that?"  
  
"I don't fucking know?"  
  
She rolls her eyes again. Gets off the table.  
  
"B-because you know that would be like, a deal breaker for me? I'm not okay with that. You know that, right?" she says.  
  
"Yeah, I know" he says, looking a little annoyed.  
  
"Well just as long we're clear" she says. She doesn't feel embarrassed about it though.  
  
He gets up and walks towards her, smirking. She crosses her arms. Prepared to give him attitude.  
  
He puts one hand on her hip and drops his head to kiss her cheek.

"There's no one else. Okay?"  
  
Clarke blushes. That's what he said the first time he kissed her in public. In John Murphy's kitchen. She blushes a little deeper and nods.  
  
"Good" she says, "In that case, Roma's waiting for you in the bar."  
  
"I don't care."  
  
She tries not to smile.

* * *

 

Before she leaves, she asks Raven if it's okay to have Bellamy and Abel over for dinner. She agrees and Clarke spend a few hours deciding on what to make. She freaks out a little. Wondering if Abel will like whatever she decides to make. She buys some hot-dogs just in case. She cleans the house up a little, straightens the living room.  
  
Raven helps her with dinner when she gets home. They make a few different things. It's totally random and Clarke's a little embarrassed but at least that way maybe there will be something that Abel will want.  
  
They come over around 6, it's a little early but she knows that Abel goes to bed early. They sit around the living room for a while, make conversation. It's a little awkward but luckily Raven and Bellamy are already good friends. Clarke tries not to think about the fact that they've seen each other naked.  
  
Abel ends up eating. _You can never go wrong with Mac N Cheese,_ Clarke thinks to herself. She smiles at him a lot. It seems like he's really warming up to her. Not that he was ever distant, but he talks to her more. At one point, they're all sitting on the couch and Abel seems bored so Clarke asks him if he wants to draw.  
  
It's close to 8 so he seems a little tired but he agrees. She takes him to her room so he can pick out a few things but instead they spend time looking at her wall. He tells her that it's cool.  
  
After a while he just looks around and Clarke watches him.  
  
Around 8:30, they leave and Abel actually hugs her and Raven.

"God, what a fucking cutie. He's so adorable. I don't know how he's Bellamy's son" she teases.  
  
Clarke laughs and hopes that they'll be around more often, after this.

* * *

 

She decides not to tell Bellamy about her fight with Octavia. It wouldn't help at all, if anything it might just cause more problems. So she keeps it to herself.  
  
That Friday night, they're all at their usual place in the bar. Clarke finally feels completely at ease around her friends. She talked to Miller and he told her what happened with Finn. Without telling him about the situation, he asked Monty to do a little hacking and see what he could find out. Apparently Finn went back to Chicago and a few days later he bought a one-way ticket to California.  
  
Clarke was relieved. She wasn't angry anymore. She wasn't sad. She just felt relieved, like she could finally breathe easy again.  
  
She doesn't acknowledge Octavia that night, but Octavia doesn't acknowledge her either. She had hoped her weird day with Aurora might have changed things a little. Clarke had a feeling that if Aurora finally accepted her and her apology, then Octavia would too. They were very similar.  
  
She drinks and laughs with her friends. She feels lighter than she has in years.  
  
At the end of the night, Bellamy asks her if she wants to go on a date the next day. She blushes and agrees, gives him a kiss on the cheek after saying goodnight.  
  
_Things are going well. Too well_ , she thinks on the way home. _Stop it! Stop. Don't ruin everything. Just be glad that things are finally looking up._  
  
_But that's usually what happens before everything crashes and burns._

* * *

 

Despite the nagging in the back of her mind, things actually get better.  
  
She goes on her date with Bellamy. They drive to one of the neighboring towns and go to an art museum that Clarke had never heard of. Afterwards, they get ice-cream and walk around in the downtown portion of the same town. They talk about the past, laugh at memories and cringe at embarrassing things that accidentally get brought up.  
  
They drive home with all the windows rolled down. She turns the radio up and sings at the top of her lungs.  
  
_"My babe would never fret none_  
_About what my hands and my body done_  
_If the lord don't forgive me,_  
_I'd still have my baby and my babe would have me"_  
  
She looked over at him and saw that he was smiling at her. Looking at her the way he used to when she did this when she was 17. She blushed and looked out the window. Feeling like a teenager again.

When they're back in Arkadia, he asks her if she wants to go back to his place. By then it was almost 11 pm, and she'd had a good idea of what would (probably) happen if she said yes. Part of her wanted to but the other part, the scared part, told him that she'd better just get home. He didn't push, just like she knew wouldn't.  
  
He kisses her for the first time (since the bathroom) in front of her house. This time, it's slow and steady. It's deliberate. And it's over before she knows it.  
  
After that, they start spending more time together.  
  
They have dinner at his house, at her house. They hang out with their friends at the bar on the weekends. She joins him and Abel almost every Sunday. She grows attached to him, starts asking to watch him while Bellamy is busy. He agrees.  
  
On her days off, she drops by in the mornings before Bellamy goes to work to pick Abel up. They spend their days together. She takes him to the park, the movies. She takes him with her when she goes grocery shopping. She buys him toys. They spend time reading, watching cartoons, painting together. They make dinner for Raven and Bellamy. He starts hugging her, kissing her goodbye.  
  
She dresses him up as a ninja turtle and she and Raven take him trick-or-treating on Halloween.

She and Bellamy go on dates. They kiss, hold hands at the park and cuddle while watching movies after Abel goes to bed. He doesn't try anything and most of the time she's grateful. Sometimes she wishes he would just shut up and fuck her.  
  
A few weeks before Thanksgiving, she tucks Abel in and he asks her if she's his mother. She's taken aback, shocked. She doesn't know what to say but he waits patiently, tucked in his bed.  
  
"Do-do you want me to be?" she asks, quietly.  
  
He just looks at her.  
  
"Abel, I-I" she starts to say but stops when she notices him give her a small nod. She tries not to cry. She kisses him and says "Yeah, yeah I'm your mommy" before she can stop herself.  
  
She tells Bellamy about it and he says that he's okay with it. Happy about it. But she can tell that it makes him just a little sad. No matter how great of a father he was, Abel still wanted a mother.  
  
But it actually does make her happy. The first time he actually calls her ‘mommy’, she freaks out and locks herself in Bellamy's bathroom. Fights off a panic attack. The second time, it's easier. By the fifth time (she was keeping count) it makes her smile. A few days before Thanksgiving, she tells him she loves him for the first time. And she does. She loves him more than she'd ever expected to.

Bellamy invites her and Raven to spend Thanksgiving at Kane and Aurora's house. She says that she doesn't want to intrude, be he assures her that a few other people will be there. The day before Thanksgiving, she panics. Thinks about making something up, thinks about asking Raven to lie for her.  
  
He had invited her to join him one Sunday for their family brunch, but she backed out at the last minute. She still hadn't made any progress with Octavia. Not really. They didn't argue anymore but they barely spoke to one another. And she pretty much avoided Aurora so she didn't know how that would go either.  
  
But she decided not to back out. _Besides, Raven will be with you,_ she'd told herself a thousand times that day.  
  
Thanksgiving day, Raven drove them to Kane and Aurora's. They brought an apple pie that they had made that morning, even though Bellamy said they didn't need to. Once they got there, and she noticed there were quite a few cars, she relaxed. A little.  
  
They went inside and Clarke couldn't help but feel happy. Not only were here friends there, Kane and Aurora had decorated their living room so that it was giving off a Thanksgiving/family vibe. She and Raven had spent the past few Thanksgiving's alone, sometimes Abby joined them. Something about the holiday made everyone friendlier. Even Octavia.

Clarke sat around, talking mostly to Raven, Kane, Bellamy and Lincoln. Monty, Jasper, Miller and Murphy were there too. They ate a big dinner, and to Clarke's surprise, it wasn't awkward. They sat at the dining room table like a big family. She couldn't remember the last time she'd felt so happy, so whole.  
  
Aurora smiled at her during dinner, when Clarke had complimented her on her mashed potatoes. She'd been pretty laid back, much to Clarke's surprise. She asked Bellamy about it once, telling him that she was shocked (but pleased) that Aurora had backed off a little. He just shrugged it off. She had a feeling he probably had a talk with her or something.  
  
After everyone was full, half of them stayed at table to start a game of Monopoly while the other half went to the living room to watch a football game. Clarke was getting really into the game (she was competitive), playing with Kane, Aurora, Monty and Lincoln when suddenly Abel came up to her and whined "Mommy, mommy I'm sleepy".  
  
Clarke froze. In fact, everyone at the table froze. She looked up and saw that Bellamy had turned, and froze. Octavia stopped talking in the middle of a sentence. Miller, Jasper and Murphy looked at Bellamy. The only one who wasn't looking at either Clarke or Bellamy was Raven, but that was because she was the only other person (besides them) that had ever heard him say it. Her reaction was the same as theirs the first time she had, though.  
  
Clarke felt like her heart stopped. The only thing that brought her back to reality was the fact that Abel was climbing into her lap. She stood and picked him up, her hands shaking. She was afraid to take a step, her legs felt like jelly. No one said anything. They just continued staring at her.

Abel wrapped his arms around her neck and laid his tiny head on her shoulder. Clarke kind of wished that the floor would open up and that she could fall in.  
  
She took a deep breath and looked at Kane, too afraid to look at Aurora, to ask him which room was Abel's.  
  
He coughed. "Second floor, third door on the right".  
  
Clarke willed her legs to move. She made her way out of the room and up the stairs, feeling every single pair of eyes in the room on her.  
  
Upstairs, as she tucked Abel in for a nap, she was a little tempted to tell him not to call her that in front of others. She decided against the idea almost a second after she'd had it. It seemed cruel, and it would probably confuse him even more.  
  
She stayed in the room for a little while, watching him fall asleep.  
  
Eventually, she decided to head back down and face whatever she had to face. She was nervous but she decided that how Abel felt about her, how he felt around her, mattered more than anything any of them could say.

No one was talking. She wordlessly made her way back to the table, but noticed that Aurora was missing. She sat down and tried not to make eye contact with anyone. Lincoln and Monty tried to get them to start playing again, but they decided to call it quits. Murphy tried to start up a conversation, Jasper helped him but it fizzled out in minutes.  
  
Eventually, people started leaving. Probably because the tension in the room was palpable. By four in the afternoon, it was only Clarke, Octavia, Bellamy, Lincoln, Aurora and Kane. Raven decided to head out, join Jasper and Monty at their place. Everyone seemed to agree that this was a family-thing.  
  
Lincoln kept looking at the door, probably wishing that he was anywhere but here. They all sat in the living room but there wasn't much conversation going on. Kane tried to start a conversation a few times. Bellamy and Lincoln humored him but, again, the conversation died a few minutes after it had started.  
  
Clarke wanted to leave. She'd never felt so uncomfortable in her life. And that was saying something.  
  
After about 20 minutes and not a single word from anyone, Clarke decided to go check on Abel. Mostly because she just wanted to get the hell out of that room.  
  
"Do you mind if I join you?" Lincoln asked. Octavia glared at him.

"Not at all" she said. She had a feeling that he was probably just as uncomfortable as she was. He was probably thinking the same thing she was, this was a Kane/Blake thing. They went upstairs and quietly walked into the room. Abel was still asleep so they sat down on the little couch in his room.  
  
They were quiet for a little while. Clarke mostly concentrated on slowing her breathing. After a few minutes she leaned forward, putting her head in her hands.  
  
Lincoln reached out and put a hand on her back.  
  
"It'll be okay. They'll get over it. They were just surprised, is all" he said.  
  
"I know. Believe me, I was surprised when he called me that the first time, too. But what was I supposed to say? No?" she said, looking at him a little desperately.  
  
"No, Clarke. You did the right thing...it's just that..he's so young. So...if it doesn't work out between you and Bellamy..." he said. He didn't finish the sentence but she knew what he wanted to say. _If it doesn't work out between you and Bellamy, Abel will probably be crushed. He'd be confused. He might think it's his fault. He won't understand._  
  
_Fuck._  
  
"Should we- should we go back?" Clarke said after a little while.  
  
Lincoln nodded, even though neither one of them had wanted to leave.

She walked a few steps ahead of him, but she stopped at the top of the stairs. They were yelling. It wasn't as loud as they usually yelled, probably because they didn't want them to overhear. _Thank god Abel's room is so far away._  
  
"What the fuck were you thinking Bellamy?" Octavia yelled.  
  
"Do you have any idea what this could do to him? Do you even care?" Aurora added.  
  
"Octavia, Aurora, stop" Kane said. Trying to calm them down.  
  
"Are you going to say anything? Or are you just going to sit there and ignore us some more?" Aurora yelled. "Say something!"  
  
"Aurora, calm down" Kane tried again.  
  
"Oh stop it! Stop protecting him!" She said back.  
  
"I'm not protecting him" Kane said, calm as ever, "I just don't think yelling at him is going to do anything."  
  
"I have put up with a lot of shit from you, Bellamy" Aurora said, ignoring Kane. "But this- THIS takes the cake. How could you be so stupid?" she yelled.  
  
They were all quiet for a few seconds. Clarke thought about going down the stairs. She thought about going back into Abel's room. She stayed where she was though, eavesdropping.

"I-I stopped asking about her. I left her alone, just like you wanted me to. And you said that nothing serious was going on! That nothing serious would happen! But this- this IS fucking serious Bellamy. How the hell could you do something like that? What do you think will happen when she leaves again- and I assure you, she will- hm? What the hell are you gonna tell him then?" Aurora yelled.  
  
"I don't need this" Bellamy finally said. "I fucking told you that if you started with this shit again, I'd leave."  
  
"Well I said a lot of things! But so did you and yet look at the situation you've put yourself in?" she said.  
  
Clarke's heart ached for a second. _Did he really say that? Did he say that nothing serious was going on between us? That nothing serious would happen?_  
  
She could hear him moving so she started walking down the stairs, Lincoln right behind her, so it wouldn't be evident that they were eavesdropping.  
  
"Bellamy Blake! Don't you dare walk away from me!" Aurora yelled, walking behind Bellamy. Octavia and Kane right behind her.  
  
Bellamy was at the bottom of the stairs, Clarke and Lincoln had reached the middle and stopped.  
  
"Did you put him up to this?" Aurora said, looking at Clarke.

"W-what?" Clarke stammered.  
  
"What'd you do? Tell him you were his mommy or something? So you could weasel your way into our family?" Aurora yelled.  
  
"She probably did" Octavia added.  
  
"Aurora!" Kane yelled at the same time as Bellamy (finally) yelled "SHUT THE FUCK UP O!"  
  
"Hey" Lincoln warned, looking at Bellamy.  
  
Clarke didn't say a word.  
  
Aurora was glaring at Clarke. Octavia and Lincoln were glaring at Bellamy, who was glaring right back at Octavia. Kane was glaring at Aurora. And Clarke was looking at her feet.  
  
"I fucking told you two" Bellamy said "Don't fucking talk to her like that."  
  
"Why not? Don't you see? She's at the root of the entire problem!" Aurora yelled at him.  
  
"Clarke, can you please get Abel so we can get the fuck out of here?" he said. Calmly. Staring at his mother.  
  
Clarke walked back up the stairs, trying to remain calm. She picked Abel up out of the bed, he groaned a little. Mumbled something she couldn't decipher. "We're just gonna go home now, okay?" she said.

She walked back down the stairs but they were all yelling at each other. Every single one of them. Kane at Aurora, Aurora at Bellamy, Bellamy at Octavia, Lincoln at both Bellamy and Octavia. She just walked right passed them, putting her arm over Abel's ear. His head was on her shoulder.  
  
She didn't even stop to get his shoes, she just walked to the front door and started to open it.  
  
"Clarke! Come back here! You are not taking my grandson anywhere! It's Thanksgiving, he belongs with his family!" Aurora yelled. Clarke could hear coming up behind them so she picked up her pace, glancing around, looking for Bellamy's car.  
  
"STOP!" Aurora yelled. She'd reached them by now but everyone else was already out there too. She grabbed Clarke's arm to turn her around.  
  
Clarke wrenched her arm back, turned and faced Aurora. "Don't touch me" she said, a lot calmer than she felt.  
  
By that time, Abel was awake. He started crying as Clarke walked even faster. Bellamy right behind her. She shifted until Abel was on her hip so that she could open the car door and put him into his car seat. Her hands were shaking, making it hard to strap him in. And he was crying in earnest now. Probably frightened due to all of the yelling.  
  
"Bellamy!" Aurora yelled. He opened his door and got in without a word.

After she strapped Abel in, Clarke went around and got in the back seat, next to Abel. Bellamy turned the car on and sped off. "FUCK!" Bellamy yelled, slamming his hand on the steering wheel.  
  
"Shhh" Clarke said to Abel. "It's okay, it's alright" but he wouldn't stop. Bellamy's little outburst didn't make things any better. She gave up and unstrapped him, pulling him into her lap. They weren't that far from the house anyway. And with the way Bellamy was driving it wouldn't take more than 10 minutes.  
  
She rocked Abel a little, saying _shhh shhh_ and kissed the top of his head until he finally calmed down. There was silence in the car after that. There were things Clarke had obviously wanted to say, but she decided to hold her tongue until they were alone.  
  
When they got home, she got out, picked Abel back up and walked to the front door. After Bellamy unlocked it, she went straight to Abel's room. She hugged him for a few more minutes, told him that everything was alright, that they were just yelling about something but that it wasn't anything about him. She put him in his pajamas. Hugged him again. She tucked him in his bed and waited for about 15 minutes for him to finally fall asleep.  
  
She sighed. She couldn't believe how this night was ending. It had been such a perfect day. But now it was ruined. Tainted.  
  
She walked into the living room. It was just a little passed 6:30.  
  
Bellamy was sitting on the couch, beer in hand, looking straight ahead.

"Thanks for doing that" he finally says.  
  
She just nods. She'd done it a few times, why was he thanking her now? Probably because he didn't know what else to say.  
  
"I'm gonna go take a shower" he says, getting up.  
  
She sat around for a few minutes before going into his kitchen and getting herself some wine. She wonders vaguely if he has anything stronger. But she doesn't feel like snooping so she settles down on the couch with her glass of wine.  
  
He takes a long shower. Clarke finished her glass of wine and went for a second. She needed it, she needed to calm down. Surprisingly, she was keeping herself together. What Aurora had said hurt her more than anything anyone has ever said to her.  
  
She settled back down on the couch and a short while after, Bellamy joined. Apparently he must've been feeling the same type of way she was, because he had another beer in his hand.  
  
"So do you wanna talk about it?" he asked.  
  
She just shrugged. He sighed.  
  
The way she was looking at him must have annoyed him or something, because he raised his eyebrows and said "What?"  
  
"Nothing."

"Then why are you looking at me like that?"  
  
She just shrugged again.  
  
"What? You wanna yell at me too? Tell me I fucked up in some way?" he asked, kind of rudely.  
  
She shook her head. "Don't take this out on me."  
  
"Then just say whatever the fuck you want to say because I know that look on your face."  
  
She glowered at him.  
  
"Did you really tell your mother that we were 'nothing serious'? That we'd 'never be anything serious'?"  
  
He sighed. "Yeah, I did."  
  
_What? He actually said that? What the FUCK?  
_  
"What the fuck Bellamy? What the FUCK?" she said, a little loudly.  
  
"Oh my god, calm down" he said.  
  
"Calm down? Fuck you!" she said and got up. She felt like she should stand for this conversation. He stayed seated.

"Yeah, I said that, but I said that a long time ago. Probably around the time you got here, okay? I didn't say it after...after we actually _got_ serious. And besides, at the time I didn't actually think we would be anything at all" he said.  
  
"Oh wow! Thanks! That makes me feel so much better!" she kind-of yelled.  
  
"What the fuck are you mad about? Are you honestly telling me that you came here thinking that we'd get together again? That we'd actually be serious?"  
  
"Are you telling me that you didn't?"  
  
"No, I didn't. Because I didn't even fucking know you anymore. So sorry if my expectations were a little low."  
  
"Screw you, Bellamy."  
  
"Seriously? Why are you even acting like this? I'm sorry that it hurt you but I hadn't seen you for eight fucking years. I didn't even think you'd ever come back. I definitely didn't think you'd come back and expect to be with me?"  
  
She just looked at him, crossing her arms over her chest.  
  
"I said what I said to get my mother off of my case and to leave you alone. I-I never imagined that you'd actually want to be with me again."

"Whatever."  
  
He shook his head, took a long drink. She was still standing. Still upset.  
  
"Yeah well, whatever to you too. You can say whatever the hell you want but I know you didn't actually think we'd get where we are now. Not at first, probably not until we actually got here."  
  
She pressed her lips together. Not wanting to yell.  
  
"And what happens now?" she finally says.  
  
"Now, we sit on the couch and watch a movie or something" he said. Kind of smirking at her.  
  
"Oh stop it! I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you and you're making a fucking joke!" she kind-of yelled again. _Keep your voice down, the last thing you want to do is wake Abel up to that again._  
  
"Because I've had one too many serious fucking conversations today!" he yelled back.  
  
"Oh my god keep your voice down" she hissed.  
  
"Well I'm the one who doesn't want to argue but you seem to be hell bent on it" he said.  
  
She shook her head at him and walked away. She went into the kitchen to calm herself down. She gripped the edges of the counter and tried to slow her breathing.

He walked in a few seconds after her.  
  
"What? Don't wanna argue anymore?"  
  
"Why are you being so fucking rude?"  
  
"Why are you trying to start an argument?"  
  
"I'm not! I'm just trying to talk about what happened!" she said, turning to face him. Glare at him.  
  
"Yeah well I don't wanna fucking talk about it anymore. You know why? Because it doesn't fucking matter. Abel called you mommy and they freaked out, so? That doesn't change shit. They can be angry all they want to be, I really don't give a fuck."  
  
He walked towards her, put his hands on her hips.  
  
"Clarke, I'm happy with you. Really happy. So is Abel. And so what if they don't like that he calls you that? You do, right?" he says, voice low.  
  
She nods, "I do...I-it makes me happy..."  
  
"Then that's all that matters" he says.

 _Ugh. Why were we arguing? I don't even fucking remember._  
  
He pulls her closer and kisses her, rough. She kisses back.  
  
A tiny flame grows in her belly. She hopes he doesn’t stop. Doesn't say anything else.  
  
He picks her up and puts her on the counter. _This feels a little familiar.  
_  
It seemed like they both just forgot about their argument, about what had happened at Aurora's. About everything but each other.  
  
She pulls away first. They're both panting, looking at each other with hungry eyes. None of the kisses before felt like this.  
  
_Fuck it._ She jumps off the counter, tells him she'll be right back. She texts Raven and tells her that she's spending the night at Bellamy's. Says she's sorry for the late notice.  
  
Raven replies a few seconds later: _About time._  
  
Clarke goes back into the kitchen and grabs him by the hand and leads him down the hallway, to his room. _I hope this is okay._  
  
He doesn't turn the light on but they leave the door slightly open, letting a little light in. He doesn't really give her a chance to look around, either, grabbing her by the hips and walking her backwards until she feels the bed behind her thighs.

His grip on her hips tightens as he gives her a little push and pulls her up. _Oh my god. This is happening._ He's on top of her and they're kissing one another like the night in the bathroom. His hands slip under her shirt and they feel like fire on her skin.  
  
"You sure you wanna do this?" he whispers in her ear.  
  
"Yeah, I do, so shut up and fuck me already" she whispers back.  
  
He lifts himself up and laughs a little but then his gaze turns a little more serious, a little more dark, looking down at her.  
  
"You don't know how long I've been waiting to hear you to say that" he says.  
  
She pulls him back town and they're tearing each other’s clothes off. Both eager.  
  
And it feels like it did before. He still remembered how she liked it, what she wanted to hear. And she still knew what he liked, what turned him on.  
  
Afterwards, he laid on his back and she laid on her stomach next to him. Her head resting on his chest, listening to his heart rate come back to baseline.  
  
He traced the tattoo on her back with his finger.  
  
"Why didn't you get rid of it?"

"Because it meant a lot to me. It still does."  
  
It was right between her shoulder blades in small, neat writing. It was his favorite quote.  
  
_Doubt thou the stars are fire;_  
_Doubt that the sun doth move;_  
_Doubt truth to be a liar;_  
_But never doubt I love._  
  
It was from Hamlet. When he told her, she called him a nerd but she thought about it for a while. She realized that there wasn't any other quote that reminded her more of him; the fact that it was his favorite was just a bonus. So she got it tattooed the next day.  
  
After he found out, he couldn't believe it. And then, much to her surprise, he told her he wanted her favorite tattooed on him.  
  
_And though my soul may set in darkness,_  
_it will rise in perfect light._  
_I have loved the stars too fondly_  
_to be fearful of the night._  
  
"You still have yours too" she whispered. "Why?"  
  
"I do" he whispered back. "And you know why."

* * *

 

The next morning Clarke is woken up by Abel. He's poking her in the back. She opens her eyes and realizes that Bellamy is still asleep, his body facing the wall, her body pressed up against his, her arms around his middle.  
  
She turns and sees Abel standing by the side of the bed in his pajamas. She flushes, feels a little embarrassed. This is the first time she's slept over and Abel is waking her up.  
  
"I'm hungry" he says.  
  
Clarke smiles at him, his hair was sticking up in random places. He'd never looked more like Bellamy than in that moment.  
  
She realizes she's naked so she tells him to go to the kitchen, that she'll be there in a few minutes.  
  
She gets up and finds her underwear, goes into Bellamy's closet and picks a random t-shirt and slips it on and goes to meet Abel in the kitchen. He was already sitting at the table.  
  
She crouches down and gives him a hug.  
  
"Good morning, you feeling okay?" she asks.  
  
"Mhm" he nods.

She kisses the top of his head and asks him what he wants to eat. He thinks about it and says that he wants pancakes.  
  
_Oh great.  
_  
"How about you have a little cereal and then when your daddy wakes up we can go get some pancakes?"  
  
"Okay" he agrees.  
  
She makes him the cereal and turns the coffee maker on. Once she has her mug, she joins him at the table. Watching him eat. He notices her watching him and smiles.  
  
"I love you, Abel" she says, not even knowing what brought it on.  
  
"I love you too mommy" he says. And the way he says it makes Clarke feel like she'd never, ever been happier in her life than at this very moment.  
  
Suddenly the doorbell rings. She and Abel race to the front door. (Clarke let him win)  
  
She opens it before checking and finds herself face to face with some woman.  
  
And in that moment, Clarke swears she can feel heart breaking before she even knows why.

* * *

 

Clarke stares at the woman, realizing that she vaguely remembers her. She remembers her name at the exact moment that the woman speaks.  
  
"Hey, I'm Echo" she begins, looking at Clarke, but then she notices Abel standing right behind her, his little hand around Clarke's thigh.  
  
She looks down at him and stops talking. Clarke looks at him too, but he's looking at Echo. His head tilted to the right, trying to place her, figure out who she is.  
  
"Is this-" Echo begins again. "Am I at the right house? Does Bellamy live here?"  
  
Clarke feels like she's lost the ability to speak.  
  
"What's going on? Who's at the-" she hears Bellamy say behind her. But he stops in the middle of the sentence, looking past Clarke to the woman at the door.  
  
"Hey" Echo says. "Sorry to drop by like this but-"  
  
"What the hell are you doing here?" Bellamy says, walking towards the door and stopping right besides Clarke.  
  
"Can we- can we talk for a few minutes? I'm sorry to intrude but I'd really like to talk to you" she says. "And I'm sorry but I'm not gonna take no for an answer" she finishes.

"Fine, we can talk outside" he growls. He's only in a pair of sweatpants but he's out the door in a few seconds, closing it with Clarke and Abel on the other side.  
  
Clarke takes Abel by the hand and leads him to the living room.  
  
"Mommy who is that?" he asks, looking up at her.  
  
"I don't know, sweetie. Do you want to watch some cartoons?" she says. She hates it but she really wants to distract him.  
  
"Yeah" he says and sits on the floor in front of the tv.  
  
Clarke turns the tv on and finds a cartoon for him to watch. She kisses him and quietly makes her way to the front door. She stops a few inches away. _Should I really being doing this? This is wrong,_ she thinks as she places her ear on the door. Unable to stop herself.  
  
It's a little muffled but Clarke could hear them talking.  
  
"And I didn't stop by yesterday because it was Thanksgiving. I didn't want to ruin the holiday for you. I've been wanting to come by for a while but honestly it just never worked out. And Abel's turning 5 in a few days so I took some time off from work so that I could visit" she said.  
  
"So? Why now?" Bellamy says.

"Because I've been good. I've been better for a long time. I haven't- I mean, I've been clean for years. I have a job. I have an apartment. I feel like I'm in a good place."  
  
"Well, that's great" Bellamy says. He's being a little rude. "But what does that have to do with why you're here?"  
  
"Bellamy" Echo says, sighing. "I-I know you're mad at me. And you have every right to be. You probably won't forgive me for what I did and...I can accept that...but Abel is my son too. I have a right to know him. I want to know him."  
  
"Why? He's completely fine without you" Bellamy says "Actually, he's _better_ without you. I don't trust you. I won't trust you. Not after that. And I'm glad you're clean. I'm happy for you but I'm not comfortable with having you around."  
  
"Bellamy" Echo says, losing patience "It's not really up to you. I'm his mother. I didn't fight you on your sole custody thing. And I wasn't planning on it. But if you-if you don't let me see him-"  
  
"Are you fucking threatening me?"  
  
"No, Bellamy. I didn't want to say that. And it's not like I'm asking to be a part of your family! We don't even have to tell him! Not right now, anyway. Just let me spend a little time with him while I'm here" she says.  
  
He was quiet after that. For a second, Clarke was afraid that he would turn around and walk back inside to find her eavesdropping.

"He-he doesn't need this right now. Things are going great and you showing up will only confuse him. Yeah, he'll know about you when he's older, I planned on telling him, but you are not going to screw with his head."  
  
"I don't want to! We don't have to tell him anything, I-I just want to see him Bellamy! I did give birth to him, after all!"  
  
"Yeah how could I forget? They had to rip him out of you because you were fucking killing him!"  
  
"I'm not that person anymore. You don't have to believe me. But I'm not leaving Arkadia until you let me see my son. You can be there, if you want to. But I am seeing him. I am talking to him. I have a right to. I'm staying at a motel downtown. I won't force you to let me see him right now, obviously you were busy. But I'm not leaving without seeing him" she said.  
  
Bellamy didn't say anything.  
  
She heard a car door shut and figured Echo was leaving. She half walked/ half ran back to the living room so that she could pretend she wasn't listening.  
  
Clarke sat on the couch and thought about everything she'd just heard. Nothing had happened, nothing serious. They only talked. And it's not like Echo was staying. _Right?_  
  
But for some reason, Clarke felt like the world was closing in on her. Like everything was about to come to an end.

She looked over at Abel. _How is it possible that looking at him hurts? It physically hurts._  
  
Bellamy came back in, eventually. He sat on the couch and they drank their coffee. He didn't bring Echo up. In fact, he didn't really talk at all.  
  
After a little while, Clarke realized they wouldn't be able to talk about it until they were alone. But the look on his face made her doubt that he'd talk about it even if they were alone. So she decided to leave.  
  
She asked Raven to pick her up, so Bellamy wouldn't have to drive her. She kissed Abel before she left. He said that he didn't want her to go. She told him she had to, but that she'd be back without even being sure that she would be. He told her he loved her and she tried not to cry.  
  
Bellamy waved bye, promised to call her later.  
  
She cried on the way home, but when Raven asked her what was wrong, she didn't really know the answer.

* * *

 

She wanted to tell Raven about what had happened, but after she asked what was wrong for the second time, Clarke couldn't bring herself to tell her.  
  
She knew she should. But she didn't.  
  
She went to her room and laid in bed, wishing she could talk to her parents. But her father was gone. And she still hadn't told Abby the truth about where she was, so she couldn't talk to her either. For some reason, she felt like they would know what to do. They would know how to comfort her. She longed for her father. She wished she could hug her mother. She wanted to be held, wanted to be told that _everything would be okay._  
  
She plugged her headphones into her phone and pulled up her _When you want to wallow in your misery_ playlist. She picked a song that reminded her of her parents. They couldn't hold her right now, they couldn't be here, but maybe thinking about them would help?

 _"Mama, come here._  
_Approach, appear._  
_Daddy, I'm alone._  
_Cause this house don't feel like home._  
_If you love me, don't let go._  
_Whoa, if you love me, don't let go._  
_Hold, hold on, hold onto me._  
_Cause I'm a little unsteady."_  
  
_You're overreacting. She's his mother. You're not._ But that didn't make her feel any better. _It was only a matter of time before this happened. You should have been expecting it._ But she wasn't.

-

Later that night, she decided to tell Raven about what had happened. Not because she wanted to, but because she knew that Raven was worried about her.  
  
She didn't have much to say about the situation. She tried to console Clarke, of course, like Clarke knew she would. She told her that it would be okay and that it didn't change anything. But Clarke knew, just as Raven knew, it did.

* * *

 

Luckily she was on call that weekend. She was grateful when her phone rang at 5 am. She eagerly told her unit manager that _yes, yes she could work today._  
  
It provided her with a distraction. She focused on her patients. She went over labs and physician orders more times than necessary.  
  
Around 4pm, things started to slow down. She made her way to her office, determined to do some work-related reading to kill an hour or two. But as her office came into sight, she noticed someone sitting in one of the chairs directly by her door.  
  
Octavia.  
  
_Shit_ , Clarke thought initially. _Wait, what the hell is she doing here? Oh my god, did something happen?_ She picked up her pace, worry and dread coursing through her veins. _Did something happen to Bellamy? To Abel?_  
  
"W-What are you doing here? Is everything okay?" she asked as soon as Octavia was in hearing distance.  
  
Octavia looked up, irritated at first. And then her face relaxed a little and she stood up.  
  
"Everything's fine...I actually just came by to talk to you. Do you have a few minutes?" Octavia asked, a little nervously.

That made Clarke a little weary. Octavia was rarely ever nervous. _Calm down, she said that everything was okay._  
  
"Um, yeah, sure" Clarke said, opening the door to her office and letting Octavia in. Clarke sat down at her desk while Octavia sat in one of the chairs across from her.  
  
"Nice office" she commented, looking around.  
  
Clarke just looked at her. _What the hell is she doing? Why is she trying to make small talk?_  
  
"Look, I know I probably shouldn't have come. I know you're busy but-" Octavia said. She paused for a few minutes, looked out of the window.  
  
"But?"  
  
"But I came by to apologize" Octavia said, looking at Clarke again.  
  
Clarke felt momentarily stunned. Octavia was rarely apologetic. In fact, this was pretty much the last thing Clarke was expecting to hear. She stared back at her for a few moments.  
  
"Yeah? Why?" Clarke asked. She couldn't help herself. Octavia had pretty much been a bitch to her since she'd gotten here, months ago. And now she was apologizing?  
  
"B-Because I shouldn't have said what I said. And I don't just mean on Thanksgiving. I-"  
She stopped talking. It was obvious that she didn't feel comfortable apologizing.

"I talked to Lincoln afterwards. Well, it was more of a fight, actually. And...and I realized that I haven't been fair to you. I'm sorry for what I said. I was hurt, and I'm not saying that makes it okay but I guess I was...I was so mad at you that I-" she stopped again.  
  
Clarke sat silently. She decided to give Octavia the time to say everything she needed to say, even though she wasn't sure if she deserved it.  
  
"Okay this is a lot harder than I thought it'd be" she said.  
  
Clarke just nodded.  
  
"Clarke...I-I'm sorry for being such a bitch to you. You didn't deserve that. You don't deserve that. You know how much I love my brother and you know how much I love Abel, and I really hope that you can understand why I had such a hard time accepting you. I-I know I fucked up, and I'm not asking you to forget everything I've said but I just want you to know that. I want you to know that I'm sorry" she said.  
  
After a few minutes, and no word from Clarke, she got up to leave.  
  
She stopped at the door, her hand on the door knob and faced back to Clarke.  
  
"I hope you understand....And I really hope that you can forgive me, eventually" she said before opening the door and walking out.

Clarke didn't know how to feel. On one hand, she was still so mad at Octavia. She thought about all of the things she'd said to her. The only other person who'd hurt her feelings more was Aurora. But Octavia was a close second.  
  
But on the other hand, she felt relieved. Octavia's apology seemed sincere. And Clarke knew that it probably took a lot to come here and say everything she had said.  
  
Before she had time to second guess herself, she got up and went into the hallway. Octavia was a good distance away, but Clarke called out to her.  
  
She turned around and looked at Clarke, a sad look in her eyes.  
  
"It's-it's okay" Clarke said.  
  
Octavia looked at her for a few moments, probably trying to decide if it really was okay. She nodded and left without another word.  
  
Clarke felt like a weight lifted off of her chest. She knew it was totally _okay_ between her and Octavia, but for the first time since she'd come home, she felt like she and Octavia had reached somewhat of a truce.

* * *

 

She stayed home Saturday night. She didn't call Bellamy, but he didn't call her, either.  
Part of her was relieved. She wasn't ready for that conversation. She didn't even know what she would say; she didn't know what she wanted to say in the first place.  
  
By Sunday night though, the thought of Abel gave her enough strength to pick her phone up and call Bellamy.  
  
But he didn't answer.  
  
She tried again an hour after her first call, but still, there was no answer.  
  
Her stomach was in knots. Raven could tell that she was nervous, but she didn't push her. She knew why.  
  
Clarke thought about just going to his house, demanding attention. _But what if she's there? What if they're talking, catching up on everything she's missed? What if they're spending time with Abel?_  
  
She knew she didn't belong anywhere, in any of those scenarios. Who was she anyway? Bellamy's girlfriend? That didn't mean much, considering that his ex-wife and Abel's mother was there.  
  
_If he doesn't call me by tomorrow, I'll go. I'll go right after work,_ she told herself, even though the idea made her want to throw up.

_If he wanted to talk to you, he would._

* * *

  
Monday morning, she woke up nervous. She went to work nervous. In fact, she spent her entire shift nervous. She kept glancing at her phone, sure that the next time she did, there would be a text message or a missed call. But there wasn't.  
  
After her shift ended, she decided to stop by Bellamy's house on her way home. When she got there, she noticed that his car wasn't in the driveway.  
  
Humoring herself, she got out of the car and knocked on his front door. But of course, there was no answer.  
  
She started to panic. He wasn't avoiding her...was he? _No, no, stop it. You're overreacting_. But where was he? And more importantly, why hadn't he called her in three days?  
  
She went by the bar next. It was the only other place she could think of.  
  
She parked and made her way inside, still in her scrubs. She stopped in the doorway and looked around for him.  
  
She noticed him sitting at their usual table. Most of her other friends were there, too. Even Raven.

Just as she had decided to head their way, she noticed Echo sitting with them.  
  
Clarke froze in place. She couldn't hear what they were talking about, but it looked like Echo was telling them some sort of story. Everyone was looking at her. Even Bellamy. Some of them actually looked amused. No one noticed Clarke standing in the doorway.  
  
For some reason, it looked totally normal. Like she was a part of the group. Like she'd been there all along.  
  
Clarke turned, ready to leave. It was stupid, but the scene before her made her feel like she was coming to the bar for the first time since she'd been back. She made her way outside, feeling the tears pooling in her eyes.  
  
She looked towards the office. Aurora was the last person she wanted to see, especially while she was feeling like this, but she didn't see Abel inside. So maybe he was in the office with her? Despite the fact that she felt completely and utterly _awful,_ she wanted to see him.  
  
She walked towards the office. The door was open. She stepped inside and found Aurora at the table, reading. Abel was on the floor coloring. His head snapped up, hearing someone enter the office.  
  
"Mommy!" he yelled, getting up and running towards her.

Clarke dropped to her knees and hugged him, a little tighter than she knew she should. But she couldn't help herself. She had missed him.  
  
His little arms were wrapped around her neck, his head resting on her shoulder. She felt desperation rising in her chest, tears blurring her vision.  
  
She held him longer than she usually did, but he didn't let go of her either. She couldn't believe how much she had missed him. It had only been three days.  
  
He finally pulled away to look at her.  
  
She willed herself to calm down. She didn't want to worry him.  
  
He smiled at her. She felt Aurora's eyes on her back, but she didn't care. It didn't matter.  
  
"I missed you" he said, looking at her.  
  
"Yeah? Well I missed you more" she said, playfully poking him in the belly.  
  
He giggled and said "Nuh-uh!"  
  
"Yuh-huh" she teased.

He hugged her again. She let him go after a few minutes, watched him sit back down and start coloring again.  
  
She felt like she should say something, but she didn't know what. She turned, prepared to leave without another word, when Aurora spoke up.  
  
"Do you have a minute to talk?" she asked, looking completely impassive. Like the past few days didn't happen.  
  
"Sure" Clarke said, despite her better judgement. While she was surprised that Octavia had apologized to her, she was very _very_ sure that Aurora wouldn't. Not in a million years.  
  
"Abel, honey, I'm gonna step outside to talk to Clarke, I'll be back in a few minutes, okay?" Aurora said.  
  
Abel nodded, "Okay but then can we go home mommy?" he asked, looking at Clarke.  
  
She didn't know how to respond. A lump formed in her throat. She nodded, despite the fact that she knew she wouldn't be going home with him.  
  
She followed Aurora out of the door and they walked in silence for a few minutes.  
  
_Shit. Whatever she has to say, she obviously doesn't want Abel to hear it_. Clarke figured she would bitch her out. Verbally attack her, like she did on Thanksgiving.

"So, how are you feeling?" Aurora asked. Something about her voice made Clarke feel like she only asked because she didn't know how else to start the conversation.  
  
"Fine" Clarke answered.  
  
"So I'm sure you know that Echo's back, so I'll just cut to the chase, if you don't mind?" Aurora said, raising an eyebrow in question.  
  
"Go ahead. Say whatever it is that you want to say" Clarke said. _The sooner that this is over, the better._  
  
"Look, Clarke, obviously you know how I feel about you. How I feel about your relationship with Bellamy, with Abel. But this isn't about that."  
  
_Right. What else could this be about?_ Clarke thought, but she didn't say anything.  
  
"I know what you're thinking. But this is about more than how I feel. This is about Abel, about what he needs. I know that Bellamy has probably told you about Echo. But whether you like it or not, she is his mother."  
  
"Yeah and? I know I'm not his mother, Aurora. If that's what you're trying to tell me, don't waste your breath. I know that."

"That's not what-" Aurora sighed. "I just mean that....you weren't here for that. You don't really know what happened between Bellamy and Echo. And despite the fact that she...she made a few mistakes...she has a right to be here. She gave birth to Abel. She and Bellamy were _married_ " Aurora said.  
  
Clarke felt like she'd slapped her. _She has a right to be here? And I don't? Is that it?_  
  
"If she really has changed, don't you think the best option would be to let them work it out? Let them try to work it out?"  
  
"What the hell are you trying to say, Aurora? That I should back off and do what, exactly? Leave?"  
  
"You don't have to leave, Clarke. That's not what I'm saying. But they're a family. They can't work anything out with you in Bellamy's life. Don't you think they at least owe it to themselves? To Abel? He's not gonna be four forever. Pretty soon he'll start asking questions, he'll know who his mother is. And how exactly would you fit into that? You'll only confuse him. You already have."  
  
Clarke felt angry. So, so fucking angry. For a second, she thought about slapping Aurora. That's how angry she felt. Her hands started shaking.

"I know that you think that I'm saying this because I don't like you, or because I don't approve of your relationship with Bellamy, with my family, but I'm not. You don't have to believe me, Clarke. But you're a smart girl. You know I'm right."  
  
"The only thing I know is that you've gone out of your fucking way to get in my head, to fuck my life up SINCE I GOT HERE!" Clarke yelled. She couldn't stop herself. "And if Bellamy wants me out of his life, if he wants me out of Abel's life, THEN HE'LL TELL ME!"  
  
"We both know that's not true" Aurora said, not even phased by the fact that Clarke was practically screaming at her.  
  
Clarke shook her head. She decided to walk away. She didn't want to say (or do) anything she'd regret. Angry tears blurred her vision as she half walked/half ran to her car.  
  
_Stop it! This is exactly how she wants you to feel!  
_  
She got in her car and sped off, not caring about the speed limit, or the fact that angry tears were streaming down her face.  
  
When she got home, she parked in the driveway and stayed in the car. She felt like screaming. So she did.

* * *

 

Raven got home a little after 9 that night.  
  
Clarke was sitting on the couch, on her second glass of wine. Raven sat down next to her, asked her about her day.  
  
"It was fine. How was your day?" Clarke asked.  
  
"Busy as hell, I feel pretty drained" Raven said.  
  
_Yet you still went to the bar_ , Clarke thought.  
  
"So where were you?"  
  
"At the bar. Like I said, we had such a busy day. Afterwards a bunch of us just decided to stay for a couple of beers and whatnot."  
  
Clarke nodded. She wasn't sure why, but she was pissed. She was pissed at Raven.  
  
"Anything interesting happen?"  
  
"No, why?"  
  
"Just wondering."  
  
Raven looked at her, a questioning look in her eyes. "What is it?"  
  
"Nothing" Clarke quickly answered.

"Clarke...just spit it out. You've got that look on your face" Raven said, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"Nothing...just wondering when you became all buddy-buddy with Echo is all" Clarke said. She couldn't help it. She knew her voice sounded bitchy, she knew she was blowing everything out of proportion.  
  
"What? I barely spoke two words to the girl?" Raven said, "Wait, how did you even know that?"  
  
"It doesn't matter" Clarke said.  
  
"Are you actually mad at me right now? For what? Sitting at the same table as her?"  
  
"No, it's fine. I don't care."  
  
"Right...."  
  
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"  
  
"Clarke, you obviously do care. You're pissed. I'm not sure why, but you are."  
  
"Because! You didn't fucking tell me. I had to bring it up!" Clarke exclaimed.  
  
"It's not that big of a deal, Clarke."  
  
"That's easy for you to say!"

"Wow" Raven sighed, narrowing her eyes. "Are you seriously mad at me for not automatically coming home and telling you? Are you fucking kidding me?"  
  
Clarke just looked at her. Despite the fact that she knew she wasn't being fair, she couldn't control her anger.  
  
"That's golden" Raven sneered. "Really Clarke. I come home and you act like a bitch because I talked to her for two seconds and didn't tell you? Like you tell me everything?"  
  
Clarke could tell that Raven was getting angry, too. She was about to respond when Raven spoke up again.  
  
"That's fucking hilarious. Considering the fact that you don't tell me shit all the time. You didn't tell me everything about Finn. You didn't want to talk about you and Bellamy. You leave shit out all the time, and I never say anything. But I do it once, and suddenly it's a big deal?"  
  
"That's different!" Clarke exclaimed.  
  
"How? How the hell is it any different? Because it's you on the receiving end this time and not me?"  
  
Clarke didn't know what to say to that. _What the hell am I doing? Why am I treating her like this?_  
  
"I never said anything to you about it because I trust you. I know you'll tell me what I need to know, what you want me to know. And it's never bothered me before because, like I said, I fucking trust you enough to believe that if you leave something out, it isn't something I need to know" Raven said, shaking her head.  
  
"Raven..I-I'm sorry..I didn't mean..."

"Whatever, Clarke. It's fine. I'm going to bed."  
  
And with that, she got up and made her way to the bathroom. Clarke heard her turn the shower on. About 15 minutes later, she heard her go to her room and close the door behind her.  
  
Clarke felt guilty. She felt so, so fucking guilty. _Why did I do that?_ She wasn't even mad at Raven. She was mad at Aurora. She was mad at Bellamy. She wasn't mad at Raven though. But she took her anger out on her, and basically called her a bad friend.  
  
Raven was right though. Clarke left things out all the time. There were tons of things that she'd never told her. And even when Raven knew, even when she could tell that Clarke was leaving something out, she never pushed her. _'I fucking trust you enough'_ , she'd said.  
  
_Oh my god. What the hell is going on? Why is everything falling apart?_  
  
She thought about going to Raven's room, she thought about apologizing. But she couldn't bring herself to face her, she felt so ashamed of what she'd done.  
  
Just then her cellphone beeped, letting her know she had a new text.

 _Bellamy 9:47 pm: Hey, Abel mentioned seeing you tonight? You were at the bar? Why didn't you say anything?_  
  
_What the hell? Maybe because you were too fucking busy to even notice me there_ , she thought. She considered typing that...but instead she chose to lie.  
  
_Clarke 9:49 pm: Hey. Yeah, I stopped by. I went to your place first but you obviously weren't home so I checked there on my way home. I saw Abel in the office, but I was still all gross from work so I didn't go inside_  
  
_Bellamy 9:50 pm: Shit, yeah sorry. Sorry I haven't called you, I've had a busy couple of days._  
  
_I'm sure you have,_ Clarke thought. _Holy shit. What's gotten into me? Why am I being such a bitch to everyone today?_  
  
_Clarke 9:52 pm: It's fine. I've been a little busy too._  
  
_Bellamy 9:52 pm: Oh. Well do you want to come over?_  
  
She thought about it. Part of her wanted to see him, wanted to talk. The other part was worried that she'd freak out and ruin everything.  
  
_Clarke 9:55 pm: I would, but I'm really tired. I've had a busy day._  
  
_Bellamy 9:56 pm: Okay, well do you want to do something tomorrow?_

 _Clarke 9:57 pm: Yeah, sure._  
  
_Clarke 9:57 pm: Can I stop by in the morning before you go to work? I'd like to spend the day with Abel._  
  
_Bellamy 10:01 pm: He kind of already has plans tomorrow, but you can come over tomorrow night when I get off?_  
  
_Plans?_ Clarke was still angry. Angry enough to ask about it.  
  
_Clarke 10:02 pm: What's he doing?_  
  
_Bellamy 10:03 pm: I already told my mother she could have him tomorrow. She wants to spend some time with him._  
  
_Clarke 10:03 pm: Yeah? Just the two of them?_  
  
_Bellamy 10:05 pm: No, I think Echo will be with them._  
  
Clarke cursed. She expected him to say that, she knew he wouldn't lie.  
  
_Clarke 10:08 pm: Okay then._

 _Bellamy 10:09 pm: Look, I know this is weird for you. Believe me, it's weird for me too. I promise I'll explain everything tomorrow._  
  
_Clarke 10:10 pm: You don't have to explain it to me, it's not really my business._  
  
_Bellamy 10:12 pm: It is though, and even if it wasn't, you know I'd still tell you._  
  
_Clarke 10:12 pm: Okay. Goodnight._  
  
_Bellamy 10:13 pm: Goodnight._  
  
Clarke decided to go to bed before she caused any more destruction. She laid in bed, feeling guilty about what she'd said to Raven. Feeling guilty for feeling angry at Bellamy. _Calm down, it'll be okay. You'll talk tomorrow. Everything will be fine. She'll be gone in a few days._  
  
She hated to admit it, but the last thought made her feel better.

* * *

 

Tuesday morning, Clarke got up and decided to go to the park. She wanted to run, to work off some of the anger that was still lingering from the day before.  
  
Raven had already left for work by the time that Clarke had gotten up. Clarke was relieved. She still felt ashamed, she still felt angry at herself.  
  
She tried not to think of Raven. Or Aurora. Or Echo. Or Bellamy.  
  
Instead she focused on running, pushing herself further every time she felt her felt like stopping.  
  
After her run, she sat down on a bench and thought about Abel. His fifth birthday was tomorrow, so she focused on what she'd get him. It was a good distraction.  
  
Afterwards, she went home and showered. She decided to go shopping, still unsure of what she wanted to get him.  
  
She tried to recall what she'd learned during her pediatrics rotation about what toys were appropriate for 5 year olds. She remembered that children at this age were more imaginative, more creative. They were active, they wanted to learn. She thought about Abel, how he was already curious and intelligent.  
  
She browsed through the toy section in one of their local stores. Nothing really caught her eye so she drove to the city where she knew there'd be a Toys-R-Us. There were so many different things, but again, nothing stood out.

Eventually, she noticed something she thought he'd like. It was a magnetic double-sided easel, and it came with a bunch of different accessories he could use on it. She smiled to herself, _this is the perfect gift._  
  
She bought it and made her way home. She was excited, she couldn't wait to see the look on his face.  
  
Bellamy had asked her to come over the night before, and even though she was nervous, she decided to go. He had given her a key to his house, so she decided to surprise him with a romantic dinner. Well, as romantic as she could make it.  
  
She stopped by the grocery store, picking up all the ingredients she'd need to make chicken-alfredo and a nice bottle of wine. On a whim, she decided to buy a few candles. After she got to his place, she started cooking.  
  
She heard him opening the front door as she was setting the table.  
  
"Hey" he said, walking into the kitchen.  
  
"Hey"  
  
He walked towards her and pulled her into a hug. They stood there, holding one another for a few minutes before he pulled back.  
  
"I've missed you" he said.

"I've missed you too" she said. And she meant it. She had missed him a lot. Her anger at him had been replaced by longing.  
  
He went to shower while she finished setting the table.  
  
"This looks really good, thank you" he said, smiling at her as he sat down.  
  
"Yeah...well...I just hope it tastes okay" she said, pouring each of them a glass of wine.  
  
They sat silently for a few minutes, eating. Surprisingly, it did taste good. Really good. Clarke couldn't help but be a little proud.  
  
"So, how have you been the past few days?" he asked.  
  
"Um, I've been okay. A little busy. How about you?"  
  
"I think you already know."  
  
She nodded. She knew he'd been busy. And probably stressed out.  
  
"So, what's going on Bellamy?" she asked. She just wanted to get the conversation over with.

"I-I don't really know. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it" he said, shaking his head, "She...she wanted to spend time with Abel. And she basically told me that I couldn't stop her. She's clean, she has a job. So if I refused, she'd probably go to court and fight the whole sole-custody issue. And considering that...that it seems like she's better, she'd probably get her way."  
  
Clarke was silent. She knew all of that. She'd been eavesdropping when they had that conversation.  
  
"So I really didn't feel like I had a choice, so I let her spend some time with him. With us. I didn't feel comfortable leaving him alone with her, and she understood so we kind of just hung out. Caught up. She talked to Abel. Asked about him. I basically told her about what she'd missed these past few years. And she didn't really push beyond that. So..." he said, not really knowing what else to add.  
  
"I understand" Clarke said, "What about...um, what about Aurora? Why'd she spend the day with her and Abel today?"  
  
"I told you, she-she had a much easier time forgiving Echo. Understanding her. So I don't know, I guess that's what she's doing now. Catching up with her and shit."  
  
Clarke nodded. She didn't really know what else to say.

"Look, I know this is weird. Believe me, it's weird for me too. It's an uncomfortable situation, so I can only imagine how you feel. But I don't really feel like I have a choice....and considering that she's only gonna be here for a few days...I just thought it was the best option. To let her have her way" he said. The look on his face made it seem like he was apologizing, for some reason.  
  
"No, Bellamy, I totally get it. I mean...she is his mother" Clarke said. Even though she knew that, even though it was a fact, it made her uncomfortable to say it. _Yeah, she's his mother. Who the hell am I?_  
  
He sighed, rubbing his temple.  
  
"I can't believe this is happening. Honestly, I figured I'd have to talk to her at some point. But I thought...I just thought it'd be when Abel was older. When he was old enough to understand. And now it just feels so..." he didn't finish his sentence.  
  
Clarke could see that he was upset. She placed reached across the table and put her hand on his.  
  
"It'll be okay, Bellamy" she said, trying to comfort him, "whatever happens...we'll get through it. It'll be okay."  
  
He looked at her hand, placed on top of his.  
  
"Will it?"  
  
"Yeah..." she said, even though she wasn't really sure if it would.

He looked up at her, tried to smile. "Thank you...thank you for understanding. For being here."  
  
"You don't have to thank me for that" she said. "Is there anything I can do?"  
  
He grabbed her hand, stroking her palm with his thumb.  
  
"Just...don't- don't go anywhere."

Clarke didn't know what to say to that. She nodded, trying to reassure him. It was like he knew...he knew she'd considered leaving, again.  
  
"I won't" she said. But she wasn't sure if she really meant it.

* * *

 

After dinner, they sat on the couch, watching a movie. Clarke still felt a little uneasy.  
He'd just pulled her in for a kiss when they heard someone knocking on the front door.  
  
Bellamy got up to answer it, and this time, Clarke stayed on the couch.  
  
He walked back into the living room a few minutes later, Abel in tow. As soon as he saw Clarke, he ran to her. She pulled him into her lap. They cuddled for a bit, Clarke asked him about his day.  
  
When it was a little past his bedtime, Clarke took him to the bathroom and gave him a shower before putting him into his pajamas. She tucked him in and decided to read to him a little. She stopped when she noticed he had fallen asleep, and kissed the top of his head before leaving his room.  
  
She heard Bellamy in the kitchen.  
  
"He's asleep" Clarke said, walking in.  
  
"Yeah?" Bellamy asked, a little smirk on his face, a little glint in his eye.  
  
Before she knew it, he grabbed her and hoisted her over his shoulder.  
.  
"Bellamy!" she yelled, but she was laughing. He basically ran down the hall, pushing his bedroom door open. He threw her on the bed and she couldn't help but smile.  
  
Maybe she was right. Maybe it all would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title inspired by "Smother" by Daughter.
> 
> Soooo.....Octavia and Clarke have finally made peace. As for Aurora.....yikes.  
> How about Clarke and Bellamy? They've made some real progress! But will Clarke leave again? Despite her relationship with Bellamy and Abel?
> 
> All will unfold in the next chapter. It will be a ride. And it will be the last chapter. This has been amazing, and I'm sad that it's almost over but I can't wait to hear what you guys think about how this story will end.
> 
> As always, thank you for your love and feedback. It has made telling this story that much more special <3


	10. And I feel like I'm knocking on heavens door

After her shift on Wednesday, she went straight home and got ready.  
  
Abel's birthday party had already started. She cursed herself for not thinking ahead, for not changing her shift.  
  
After she got ready, she grabbed his present and headed out. She'd wrapped it the night before, it was a pretty big box. The wrapping paper was a baby blue, and she put a sparkly yellow ribbon around it.  
  
The house was pretty full when she got there. She didn't bother knocking, she just opened the door and walked right in. Aurora and Kane were there. So were Octavia, Lincoln, Jasper, Monty, Miller and Raven.  
  
They looked up when she came inside, said hello.  
  
"Hey guys" she said, looking at everyone except Auroa. When her eyes landed on Octavia, she tried to smile. Octavia returned it and gave her a nod in acknowledgment before tuning back to Raven.  
  
She looked around for Abel and didn't seem him. She was about to ask where he was when Bellamy came out of the kitchen.  
  
"Hey" he said, smiling at her.  
  
"Hey" she smiled back. She was about to ask where Abel was, again, when she noticed the bathroom door opening. Abel walked out, with Echo right behind him.

Clarke tried to keep a neutral expression on her face, she was sure that Bellamy and Aurora were looking at her, trying to decipher how she felt.  
  
Abel looked up and noticed her standing there.  
  
"Mommy!" he yelled, running towards her.  
  
Clarke set the box down and dropped to her knees, opening her arms to him. He basically ran into her, wrapping his slender arms around her neck. She closed her eyes for a second, letting the warmth she always felt when she hugged him consume her. It always made her so happy.  
  
They were still hugging when she opened her eyes and noticed Echo, standing a few feet across from them. Something about the way her face looked made Clarke feel uncomfortable.  
  
She looked sad. Really sad.  
  
When she realized Clarke was looking at her she quickly looked away and sat down in front of the chair Aurora was sitting in. By that point, everyone, including Bellamy, was looking at her.  
  
Abel pulled away and looked at Clarke. He had the sweetest smile on his face.  
  
"Happy birthday" Clarke said, "I got you something."  
  
She let go of him and showed him the present.

"What is it?" he asked.  
  
"Do you wanna open it?"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"Hey!" Jasper said, "We wanna see it too!"  
  
They went into the middle of the living room, so that he could open his present in front of everyone. Judging by all of the random toys and scraps of wrapping paper around the living room, he'd already opened his other presents.  
  
Clarke tried not to feel awkward. She knew Aurora wasn't happy about her being here. _Screw her. Who cares what she thinks? Everyone else knows I belong here,_ she told herself.  
  
Abel opened his present, a few people oo'd and ahh'd, praising Clarke on getting him something so original.  
  
Octavia got up and helped Abel set it up so that he could do his first drawing on it. Everyone else went back to chitchatting.  
  
Clarke was sitting on the armrest of the couch, talking to Lincoln, when she noticed Echo get up and sit down next to Bellamy. He was sitting on the floor, close to Octavia and Abel, watching them. He turned and looked over at her as she sat down next to him. 

Clarke watched them for a few moments. They were sitting next to each other, talking to one another, watching Abel together.  
  
It made Clarke more uncomfortable than it should have. And it made her jealous.  
  
She tried not to stare. She looked away and accidentally made eye contact with Aurora, who had been watching her watching them. She tilted her head a little, in a knowing way. Clarke pretended not to notice, turning her attention back to Lincoln.  
  
The longer she stayed, the more upset she grew. She knew it was stupid, childish even. But it wasn't as if she _wanted_ to feel that way, she couldn't help it.  
  
At some point, Bellamy had gotten up and sat in the recliner. Clarke made her way towards him, and perched on the armrest.  
  
Abel was still drawing, excited and inspired by all the praise he was getting. It was adorable.  
  
"He loves it" Bellamy said, smiling at Clarke.  
  
She smiled back. She couldn't stop herself, she knew Aurora was watching them, so she bent down a little and kissed him. Just a quick peck.  
  
When she looked back up, Aurora was glaring at her. Clarke tried not to smile. She felt so petty, so childish, but still.

Until she looked at Echo, who looked even more hurt, even more uncomfortable than before.  
  
Clarke felt a little bad. She probably shouldn't be acting like this. She had known that this would be hard for Echo, seeing Clarke basically in her place.  
  
But it was hard for Clarke too. Looking around the room she kind of felt like everyone else really, truly belonged there. She wasn't sure if she did. Despite how great things had been going between her and Bellamy, despite how close she was to Abel, she kind of felt out of place here.  
  
Bellamy was looking at her in an unusual way, probably noticing the silent fight going on between Clarke and Aurora. She tried to smile at him, but he didn't really return it.  
  
After a little while, Echo asked about Abel's past few birthdays. Kane started telling them a story about how, two years ago, they actually threw him a big party at the bar. But not even 20 minutes in, Abel started crying, begging to go home. So Bellamy had no choice but to take him home. Everyone else sat around, wearing party hats and eating the birthday cake they'd gotten him.  
  
Everyone was laughing, adding little details to the story.  
  
For some reason, it only pissed Clarke off even more. She felt like it mostly had to do with the fact that Aurora seemed to accept Echo back pretty easily, despite everything she'd done. And it wasn't like she didn't expect them too, but everyone else was acting the same way. 

She thought about how it was when she'd first gotten back. How Aurora and Octavia had yelled at her. How everyone else was hesitant at first. How they'd barely talked to her.  
  
But here Echo was, the center of attention. And everyone was filling her in on what she'd missed, like the reason she was gone was more acceptable to them than the reason Clarke had left.  
  
Part of her knew she was overreacting. She knew. She knew she was being childish, and petty. And she really had no right to be jealous. Echo's circumstances had been different. And maybe they were all just glad that she was doing better. Maybe they didn't want to upset her.  
  
Either way, Clarke couldn't help but be half jealous of Echo and half angry at herself.  
  
At some point, she decided to grab Bellamy's hand. They were still on the recliner. Echo noticed, and not even a second later, Bellamy pulled his hand away from hers.  
  
_What the hell?_ Clarke glared at him. _Did he really just do that?  
_  
She bent down to try to kiss him again, but he turned away from her.  
  
She was definitely angry now.  
  
She got up and went to the hallway. She heard Bellamy get up, saying he'd be right back.

He followed her as she went into Abel's room.  
  
"What the hell Bellamy?" she asked.  
  
"I should be asking you that" he said, shaking his head.  
  
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Clarke said, narrowing her eyes at him. She crossed her arms over her chest.  
  
"I just...I just mean that, I notice what's going on. I don't know if you got into an argument with my mother or something, but you were obviously trying to upset her back there" he said.  
  
"Upset her? By what, exactly? Kissing you? Am I not allowed to do that?" she said. She kept her arms crossed. She knew her hands were shaking. She was so fucking mad.  
  
"You know that's not how I meant it. Of course you're allowed to kiss me, Clarke."  
  
"But?"  
  
"But obviously this is an awkward situation for Echo. She knows about us. She knows you're in Abel's life. But how do you think it made her feel to hear him call you his mother?"  
  
"So what? You don't want him to?"  
  
"No! That's not what I meant, of course I want him to. It makes me happy. I'm just trying to be considerate, Clarke. I know she fucked up but this is obviously hard for her."

"Wow. You sound just like your fucking mother."  
  
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"  
  
"Is that why you wouldn't even let me hold your hand? Because of how she might feel?"  
  
"Well, yeah. Like I said, I'm sure it was hard for her to hear that. And then you just fucking kiss me in front of everyone...like...like you're trying to prove something..."  
  
"Fuck you, Bellamy. Did you even consider how I might be feeling?"  
  
"What? Of course, Clarke, I didn't mean-"  
  
"Oh stop it! You have no fucking idea! You're worried about making her uncomfortable and you're not even considering that it's me who should be the most uncomfortable person here!"  
  
"Clarke what the hell-"  
  
"Who the hell am I, even? You're his father. She's his mother. Those are his friends, his aunt, his grandparents in there. Who the hell am I? His father's girlfriend? How the hell do you think that makes me feel, Bellamy? " she yelled. She couldn't help it anymore. "And yeah, maybe I did kiss you and hold your hand on purpose. But it was because I just fucking needed to reassure myself that I actually do belong here, with you, and then you pull away from me and you have no fucking idea how that makes me feel" she was tearing up. That only made her angrier though, she hated herself for being one of those people who cry when they're angry.

"Oh my god, calm the fuck down" he yells back "I didn't mean to make you feel that way! I'm just trying to make everyone...I- I just wanted the night to go smoothly."  
  
"Yeah, at the cost of my fucking feelings!" she yelled, she could feel the tears at the very edges of her eyes. They were only a split second away from running down her face.  
  
"I didn't mean to make you feel that way, I-I just.." he says, quieter this time.  
  
"Of course you didn't. You know what though? It doesn't even fucking matter. I obviously don't belong here. I don't fit into this-this family" she said, going around him. Deciding to leave before anything else happened.  
  
Just as she'd gotten past him, he reached out and grabbed her arm, trying to get her attention.  
  
For some reason, it triggered her. She was reminded of how Finn had grabbed her. How he tried to stop her when she tried to get away.  
  
She panicked for a second before turning and slapping him.  
  
"DON'T TOUCH ME!" she screamed.  
  
He let go a second later, shocked.  
  
She left after that. Angry at Bellamy. Angry at the world. Angry at herself for hitting him. 

She knew she shouldn't have. She knew he was nothing like Finn. But it came to her like a reflex. She knew she should go back. Apologize. But she was hurt. She couldn't just pretend like she wasn't.  
  
Mostly though, she was upset because of Abel. Because she left and didn't even tell him. Didn't even kiss him goodnight.  
  
But no matter how awful she felt about it, she drove home. Once she'd said what she'd been thinking to Bellamy about how she didn't belong, it felt like the truth. She didn't.  
  
When she got home she didn't know what to do. So she laid in her bed.  
  
Her cellphone went off a few times, letting her know she had missed calls and new text messages. Eventually, she turned it off.  
  
She didn't feel like talking. Who would understand? She was sure everyone probably thought she was overreacting, and maybe she was. But they didn't know what it was like. They weren't in her position. How could they possibly understand?  
  
It wasn't just that Bellamy had kind of rejected her in front of them, it was that her place there wasn't important. If thing's didn't work out between her and Bellamy, her position was replaceable. She wasn't some vital part in their group. Her friends had each other. Abel had his father. And now he had his real mother. No one could take her place. 

A little while later, she heard Raven come home. They hadn't really talked since that night they'd fought and Clarke still felt bad about it. She wanted to apologize, but she didn't really get the opportunity.  
  
Raven knocked on her door before opening it, not waiting for Clarke to answer.  
  
"You okay?" she asked.  
  
"Yeah, I'm fine" Clarke answered.  
  
Raven stood there for a few moments before making her way over to the bed. She sat down on the side and looked at Clarke.  
  
Even though she didn't say anything, the look Raven was giving her made her tear up again.  
  
"I-I'm sorry" Clarke whispered.  
  
"It's fine, Clarke. I swear. It's fine" Raven said, putting her hand on Clarke's arm.  
  
"No it's not...I-I was such a bitch to you and you didn't deserve that. You've been such a good friend to me, all this time...and I...I-"  
  
"Stop it. It's fine Clarke. I know you. I know you get a little irrational when you're upset. I know it wasn't really about me."

Clarke wasn't really sure how or why she had Raven. How she had someone who knew her so well, who understood her. Who forgave her. Who loved her this much.  
  
Raven leaned in and hugged Clarke.  
  
For a few minutes, they just laid there, holding one another.  
  
"I really am sorry, Raven" Clarke whispered.  
  
"I know" she answered.  
  
"Do you wanna talk about it?" Raven asked.  
  
"I don't know...Raven...I-I think I've gotten way in over my head. I mean, I'm not even his mother. And now she's here. And she's better. And it's not that I don't want her to be but....where does that put me? Who am I?" Clarke asked.  
  
"Clarke...I won't pretend like I know how you're feeling. I don't think anyone actually does. But you're not in over your head. You love Abel. He loves you. And so what if you didn't give birth to him? There are so many people I love more than I ever loved my mother."  
  
"I know...but she's better, Raven. What if I'm just in the way? That's what Aurora said. She said I should back off and let them try to work things out, for Abel's sake....and I-I think she might be right." It hurt her to say that. To admit that.

"If things could work between them, then they would, Clarke. It's not about you. If they actually wanted to be together, they would be. But they're not. And Bellamy loves you, I know he does. And you love him. Don't let this get between you guys. It's an uncomfortable situation, but it's not like you haven't been in any of those before. I think you're just letting Aurora and your thoughts get to you and make this worse than it actually is."  
  
Clarke thought about it. Of course she was letting Aurora get to her. But that didn't mean she wasn't right. And she knew what Aurora said was true, that even if Bellamy thought she was in the way, he wouldn't tell her.  
  
They laid in bed for a while. Eventually, they both fell asleep.

* * *

 

Bellamy was in the living room, picking up Abel's gifts and piling them in the corner of the living room.  
  
He and Kane were the only ones still there. Everyone had left, and Aurora and Echo were in Abel's room, tucking him in.  
  
"Everything okay?" Kane asked.  
  
"Uh, yeah, I guess so" Bellamy said, not really looking at him. He knew things weren't okay. Truthfully, he was panicking a little. He only started cleaning to try and work off some of the nervous energy that had taken him over since Clarke had left.  
  
It wasn't really because of their fight. It was because of the way she left. For some reason, it reminded him of that night she left for Chicago.  
  
_I don't fit in here,_ she'd said. He called her, he texted her. But she didn't respond. And he didn't try to go after her, not after she'd slapped him. He figured it had something to do with the way he grabbed her. He didn't mean to do it in a threatening way, not at all. But considering what she'd been through with Finn, he could understand her reaction.  
  
_Fuck._ He really was just trying to make the night go smoothly. It was Abel's birthday, and he just wanted to avoid the drama. But having his mother, Clarke, Echo and Octavia in the same room had made him nervous. 

When he turned away from Clarke, when he let go of her hand, he wasn't really thinking about how it would make her feel. But after she told him, he understood. He'd probably feel the same way if he was in her position.  
  
Kane just nodded. He never pushed Bellamy to talk.  
  
"I kind of got in an argument with Clarke" he said.  
  
"Yeah, I figured. With the way she left, and all."  
  
Bellamy nodded. He didn't really want to talk about it, especially with his mother so close by. It was stupid, but he didn't want her to know what had happened. Although she probably had a good idea of what went down.  
  
Eventually, Aurora and Echo came back to the living room. He sat around with them for a while. But it felt...off. For some reason, he felt guilty about being there with them.  
  
They stayed longer than usual. Bellamy tried to join in on the conversation. He kept glancing at his phone, though. Hope she'd reply to him, or give him a call.  
  
She didn't.  
  
At some point, his mother had cornered him in the kitchen.

" _That's just the type of person she is, sweetie. I know you love her. I know you do. But she's not fit for this kind of life. For your life. She left like that because that's who she is, Bellamy. People grow up, but they never really change_ " she'd said.  
  
Bellamy didn't respond.  
  
It was a little past 11 when Kane and Aurora had finally left.  
  
Echo lingered for a while longer, helping him clean up. He felt awkward the entire time. Like he was cheating on Clarke by being so domestic with Echo. He knew it was ridiculous. He would never cheat on Clarke, with anyone.  
  
It was past midnight when they finished. Echo asked if she could spend the night, since she didn't feel like going back to her motel downtown.  
  
Bellamy hesitated. It didn't feel right to let her stay....but it didn't feel right to tell her that she couldn't either.  
  
She must've noticed his hesitation, because she turned a little red.  
  
"I know it's kind of weird, Bellamy. But we've been friends forever. It doesn't have to be like this between us, I want us to get along. If you want me to go, I will. But if it's okay with you, I'd like to pass out on your couch right now" she said.  
  
"Uh, yeah, sure" he finally said, shaking his head. It was okay, he was just giving her a place to stay for the night.

She asked him for something to wear and he went to his room, coming back with a t-shirt and a pair of sweat pants.  
  
"I'm sorry if I acted a little weird tonight. Or if I was the reason you got into a fight with Clarke. I know she must feel a little uncomfortable but he's my son, Bellamy. I hope she can understand that."  
  
Bellamy just nodded. He said goodnight and went to his room. He called Clarke one more time, but it went straight to voicemail.  
  
_Stop freaking out. She's just pissed. That doesn't mean she's going anywhere._

* * *

Clarke woke up early the next morning. Raven was still fast asleep.  
  
She got up and took a shower, deciding to go to Bellamy's house. She wasn't really sure what she would say. She was still upset about last night, but she wanted to apologize for slapping him. She wanted to see Abel, and hopefully spend the day with him.  
  
She knew Bellamy had to work, so she dropped by earlier than usual so they would have time to talk for a little while.  
  
When his house came into view, she noticed another car parked in front of it.  
  
Echo's car. _What the hell? Why is she here so early? Oh my God, what if he told her she could have Abel today?_ Clarke stopped in the middle of the street, in front of one of Bellamy's neighbor's houses.  
  
_Fuck. What do I do? What if we're both there to spend time with Abel?_ She could imagine how awkward, how horrible that situation would be. _Oh my god, what if she spent the night? No no no. Bellamy would never do that_. She thought about leaving. But she'd felt so guilty last night, for leaving Abel like she did. She couldn't just leave again.  
  
She parked behind Echo's car and walked to the front door.  
  
She knocked once. Then she knocked again.  
  
Finally, she heard someone coming to the door. 

Echo opened the door. Looking as surprised as Clarke felt. Clarke was about to speak, about to say hello when she noticed that Echo was in one of Bellamy's old t-shirts. And nothing else. Her hair was a mess. She looked like she'd just woken up.  
  
Clarke opened her mouth to speak, but voice caught in her throat. She felt like her stomach had dropped.  
  
She turned away, walking back to her car. Feeling so stupid. So used.  
  
"Clarke!" she heard Bellamy say. She walked faster.  
  
He caught up to her though.  
  
"Clarke please wait, it's not what-"  
  
"Shut the FUCK up Bellamy! I don't want to hear anything you have to say!" she screamed.  
  
"Clarke. I swear, she just asked to spend the night because she didn't want to go back to her hotel. Nothing- nothing happened, you know I'd never do that to you" he said, grabbing her hand, holding it.  
  
She thought about the way he pulled his hand away the night before, when she tried to do what he was doing now.  
  
She yanked her hand from his.

"I don't care. I don't even fucking care anymore. I-I can't do this with you" she said. She didn't think this would happen. But Aurora was right. They were a family. She spent the night. Maybe they didn't fuck, but then again, maybe they did. Maybe if she wasn't around, they would.  
  
"Clarke, please just let me explain" he said.  
  
She moved to get in her car.  
  
"Clarke!" he yelled.  
  
She closed the door and drove away, watching him get smaller and smaller in her rear-view mirror. She felt the tears pooling in her eyes, but this time she didn't care. She let them fall freely down her face.  
  
She didn't go home. She didn't want to. She wasn't sure where she should go so she just kept driving. Kept crying.  
  
She knew this would happen. She knew something would come along and tear them apart. They just weren't meant to be with one another. They were too different. Their lives were too different.  
  
Even if he didn't sleep with Echo, he still let her stay the night. He still gave her his clothes to wear. He was probably having breakfast with her and Abel right now. Like a real family. Father, mother, child. 

Who was she to stand in the way of that? Things would never work between him and Echo with her still in the picture. Abel would only grow more confused. And then, when he was old enough to understand that Echo was actually his real mother, he'd probably pick her over Clarke. Who was she, anyway?  
  
She drove for hours. At some point, she stopped at a gas station to fill her tank.  
  
_Deja-Vu_. She'd lived this day before.

* * *

 

Before he went to work, he stopped by her house.  
  
She wasn't there. But he didn't really expect her to be.  
  
He called, he texted. On his lunch break, he went to her house again. But she wasn't there. He called, he texted. After work, he stopped by her house again. Raven told him she wasn't there.  
  
_Oh my god. She's gone. She's fucking gone._  
  
He tried to calm himself down. There was no way she was really gone. She'd never leave like that, not again....would she?  
  
_No, of course not._ He knew she'd never leave without talking to Raven. Out of all people, she'd definitely at least talk to her before she left.  
  
He called Raven again that night around 9, and she told him that Clarke wasn't home yet. She reassured him that she would be back. That he shouldn't worry. That he just needs to give her space.  
  
He thought about it. But the next day, he took a long lunch break and went to the hospital to find her. _Fuck space. I've had enough for that for the past 8 years._  
  
He knew what floor she worked on, so he made his way there. He eventually found her office, but when he knocked there was no answer. He decided to sit there for a little bit, see if she'd make her way up here.

After about 30 minutes, he noticed her coming down the hall, walking to her office. She stopped in her tracks when she noticed him, though.  
  
She eventually made her way to the office. She didn't greet him, she just opened the door. But she left it open, so he figured she was okay with him following her inside.  
  
"Hey" he said, closing the door behind him.  
  
"Hey"  
  
"Sorry to drop by like this...but since you're ignoring me, I didn't really have any other option" he said. It came out a little more bitterly than he'd wanted it to.  
  
"Yeah...well...I didn't really want to talk to you" she said.  
  
She was sitting at her desk. He was standing, leaning against the door.  
  
"Why? I fucking told you...that-that wasn't....nothing happened with Echo. You know me, Clarke. You know I'd never do that to you" he said.  
  
"It's not just about that, Bellamy. I-I don't fit in. I don't belong in your life. I never have."  
  
"Wow...and when exactly did you come to that conclusion? After I didn't hold your fucking hand the other night?"  
  
"Fuck you! How can you even say that?! You know it's about way more than that!" she yelled.  
  
"Then what the fuck is it?"

"It's your mother! It's your family! It's your life! It's you! I-I can't..."  
  
"So what? You don't want to be with me anymore, is that it?"  
  
She just looked at him. She looked like she was going to cry, but he didn't really care. He was a little busy, feeling his heart hammering in his chest. Feeling like it was about to explode into a million little pieces.  
  
"I don't know..." she said, "It's- it's just so hard. And I feel like I don't belong, like we don't make sense and I-I love you and I love Abel but how am I ever going to be part of your family? You already have one..."  
  
"But you fucking are, you are part of our family. How-how can you even say that? So what if my mother or my ex-wife are uncomfortable about it? Abel and I..." he said, but he didn't finish his sentence.  
  
"I-I called Chicago Presbyterian. They-they said they'd take me back...if I wanted to..." she said.

He smiled. He actually smiled, but it was a cruel smile. Mocking, even.

"Aren't you tired of it?" he asked.  
  
"Of what?"  
  
"Of running away?"

"I'm not running. I'm just being realistic, Bellamy."  
  
"Call it whatever you want. You're life's nothing but a series of hit and runs. The moment something makes you uncomfortable, the moment your loyalties or faith or whatever are tested, you pack your fucking bags. But I guess you got what you wanted from me. Now Chicago is a safe place for you, you can go back, right?"  
  
"That's not fair."  
  
"You wanna know what isn't fair? I married Echo because she was pregnant. I married her because I was fucking lonely. I married her because I was tired of the endless disconnect. It was just a time-out. Because the truth is, even though I've been with plenty of other women, when I'm inside someone there's only one face I see."  
  
She didn't say anything.  
  
"When you came home...it was, it was like a sign to me. That things could be better. That things could work. It was like my past coming back, giving me another chance with you. To do this different. And now that chance is running back to Chicago" he said, shaking his head. He walked towards her.  
  
"I love you, I've _always_ loved you. But I can't-I won't wait for you. Not again. If you wanna leave, then leave. But if you do, don't ever come back. I won't do this again" he said. And then her grabbed her face with both hands, giving her a hard kiss. Just one. He looked at her one more time before turning and walking out the door.

* * *

 

Clarke decided to go to the bar Friday night after work. She and Raven head out a little later than usual, and the place was packed once they got there. They made their way to their usual spot. Almost everyone was there. Almost.  
  
She hadn't told Raven about her fight with Bellamy. She hadn't told her about how she'd been considering going back to Chicago. Truthfully, she didn't really want to. She hated it, but where else could she go? And besides, her mother was there. Who else did she have?  
  
Bellamy wasn't there. Clarke wasn't sure if she was glad, or if she was upset. She'd been replaying their last conversation over and over in her head.  
  
They hadn't talked since.  
  
He told her he loved her. He told her to stay gone if she decided to go.  
  
She didn't feel like being at the bar, but she didn't feel like going home either.  
  
The night went on, Clarke drank. A lot.  
  
At some point, she'd made her way up to the bar and sat down next to Monty. They talked for a while. They were both a little drunk.  
  
"So where's Bellamy?" he asked her.  
  
"I have no idea, honestly."

"What? Why? Did something happen?" he looked concerned.  
  
"I have no idea."  
  
"Clarke..."  
  
"We kind of got in a fight."  
  
"About what?"  
  
"About me leaving again" she said, shrugging her shoulders.  
  
"Wait, what? Are-are you leaving again?"  
  
"I don't know yet" Clarke said. She was drunk enough to be honest with him.  
  
After that, Monty stayed quiet. Clarke found it a little unusual. She tried to start a conversation, but he didn't reply.  
  
"What? Are you mad at me too?" she asked.  
  
"Screw you, Clarke."  
  
"What?" she exclaimed. Never, in all the time she'd known him, had he said something like that.

"I said screw you. No wonder he's been so weird this week. You came back long enough to mess with him again, only to up and leave" he said, shaking his head. "And you know what else? We took you back because we missed you. Jasper and I, we-we stood up for you because we missed you and we wanted to give you another chance. But you're just going to leave again, so tell me, what was the point in coming back? To make your way into our lives again and then disappear? Is that it?" he said.  
  
Clarke didn't know how to respond.   
  
"It- it's complicated Monty....you don't understand..."  
  
"No, Clarke. It's not complicated. If you want something, you work for it. You get through the shitty times because you know it's worth it in the end. You remember what you said to me when you came home from vacation? When you're parents got divorced? You said you blamed them because they stopped trying. And that's exactly what you're doing. All of us have been through shit. Not just you. All of us have shit going on, so don't tell me that I don't understand. It's you that doesn't understand" he said. After that, he got up and walked away.  
  
Clarke was speechless. She couldn't believe Monty had went off on her like he did.

She felt more confused then ever. She loved them, she loved all of them. But how could she stay here? Here, where everything only seemed to get worse once you thought it was actually getting better?  
  
She made her way to the bathroom, the single one.  
  
She locked the door behind her and sat on the floor. _What do I do? What should I do?_  
  
She really didn't know. It felt like her life was falling apart, again. She thought about her friends. She thought about Bellamy. But mostly she thought about Abel. She already missed him so much. The thought of him made her feel like she was in physical pain. Had he asked about her? Had Bellamy told him she wouldn't be around anymore? Was he worried? Did he blame himself, like kids at that age tend to do?  
  
She knew she was drunk but she couldn't help herself from picking her phone up.  
  
_Clarke 11:36 pm: Where's Abel?_  
  
She sat in the bathroom and waited for him to reply. After about 15 minutes, she decided that he was either asleep or that he just didn't want to talk to her, especially about Abel. She cried. But then her phone beeped.

 _Bellamy 12:02 am: At my mothers_  
  
_Clarke 12:04 am: Is he ok_  
  
_Bellamy 12:04 am: He's fine_  
  
_Clarke 12:05 am: Do you hate me?_  
  
She waited for his reply but it never came. Eventually she had to get out of the bathroom. She had a few more drinks at the bar, by herself. A few people called out to her, but she didn't feel like talking to anyone.  
  
A little while later, she and Raven went home. Right before she fell asleep, she got a text.  
  
_Bellamy 2:23 am: If you're leaving, please don't come tomorrow._  
  
She read the text and re-read it. Tomorrow night, Octavia and Lincoln were having their engagement party. They'd only invited all of their close friends. Kane was going to close the bar down so they could have it there.  
  
If she was going to leave, she shouldn't come. He probably didn't want the memory of his little sister's engagement party tainted by her, by what she'd done.

* * *

 

The next morning Clarke woke up and stayed in bed for hours, feeling sadder than she'd ever felt in her entire life. And that was saying something, considering everything she'd been through up until now.  
  
She thought about all of the things she'd done, all of the mistakes she made. Somehow, they all seemed to stem from the moment she decided to leave Arkadia and all of her friends, her people, behind.  
  
She thought about what the future held for her. If she stayed, she'd have to deal with all of the drama, all of the pain of the past 8 years and everything that had happened since she had come home. She was sure that there would be other things. If it wasn't Finn, or Echo, or Aurora, it'd be something or someone else. Some other problem.  
  
But she'd have Bellamy. She'd be with Abel. She'd have her friends, her family.  
  
She thought about what the future held for her if she left, and she saw nothing. Nothing but random places and random people who didn't really know who she was, who never would. She wouldn't have a future with Bellamy. Abel wouldn't be in her life. He'd move on with someone else. He'd eventually forget about her and grow old with someone who wasn't her.  
  
But she wouldn't. She'd never forget. She'd been trying to for the past 8 years of her life, and she only ended up where she started; here, in this place, by his side.  
  
The feeling that washed over her when she imagined not being part of his world was more painful than anything she'd ever felt.

She let that decide it.

* * *

 

That night, when she walked into the bar wearing a pretty pink dress, every single person there looked surprised to see her.  
  
Raven grabbed her hand, giving it a little squeeze.  
  
They'd talked that afternoon. Clarke finally told her everything she'd been holding back, everything she'd been keeping to herself. And Raven, being the person she was, sat there and took in every word. Wiped Clarke's tears from her face, held her like she needed to be held. And told her what she needed to hear; that regardless of what would happen, they'd always have one another. That she'd support her no matter what, through whatever or whoever they faced.  
  
Abel ran right into her arms, and this time, she didn't feel desperate. She felt like she was coming home, holding him in her arms.  
  
She let him go and took him by the hand, walking to place her Octavia and Lincoln's engagement present on a table in the corner.  
  
There were so many things that she had to do tonight. She made a mental list and she was determined to see it through. It'd be painful, and she wasn't sure where she'd end up by the end of the night, but she'd come to a realization this morning.  
  
All her life, she'd been trying to run from her pain. Avoid it before it got too close, too real. But she'd never survive like that. Pain wasn't supposed to be ignored. It demanded to be felt. 

Running away would never ease her pain. She couldn't ease it no matter what she did. She had to overcome it and come out on the other side. And she would.  
  
She looked around and saw Bellamy standing by the bar. He hadn't said anything to her, but she could see how tense he was in the way that he was standing, in the way he clenched his jaw.  
  
She made her way towards him.  
  
"Hey" she said, still holding Abel's hand. She felt like she was drawing her strength from him. And maybe she was. Because there was no way she'd ever let him go, no way she ever could.  
  
"Hey" he said, turning to face her.  
  
"Can we talk for a minute?" she asked.

"Sure" he said. He put his glass down and walked towards the front doors without another word.  
  
She bent down to look at Abel. "Why don't you go talk to Raven for a minute? I'll be right back."  
  
"Okay" he said.  
  
She turned and saw Raven standing a few feet away, her hand already extended towards Abel. She gave Clarke a nod, silently telling her that she could do this.

She walked out of the bar and saw Bellamy standing by one of the picnic tables, looking towards the parking lot. She walked until she was by his side and looked out at the empty parking lot, feeling a strange sense of Deja-Vu again.  
  
The night she left, they'd had their last conversation here. It was where she told him she was leaving, where things had ended between them.  
  
It felt strange, standing there with him, thinking about that night where she'd felt the complete opposite of what she was feeling in that very moment.  
  
"I'm sorry" she began, pausing for a second.  
  
"You don't have to apologize" he said, shrugging.  
  
"I do though. Can you just let me say everything I need to say? Wait until I'm finished to reply?"  
  
"Sure" he said, shrugging again. "What is it that you have to say?" he said, turning to face her.  
  
She met his gaze.  
  
"I'm sorry for...for what I've said, for what I did. You were right, about me running away? It may have taken me over eight years to realize it, but you were right. That's...that's always seemed easier to me. Leaving this place, leaving you. Thinking about leaving again. But I-I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to live like that."

He was still looking at her, waiting for her to go on.  
  
She reached forward and timidly grabbed his hand. When he didn't pull away, she laced her fingers through his.  
  
"It's you, Bellamy" she said, looking up at him. "It's always been you. It'll always be you. And I know that things haven't been easy between us. I know that they might never be. But I don't care about that anymore. I love you. I've loved you since I was 13. I will always love you."  
  
She could feel the tears in her eyes, and even though she knew that this was what she wanted, a little part of her was scared. She was laying it all out, giving him the option to take it and pick up the pieces or leave it once and for all.  
  
"I don't care about what happens next. I don't care about what anyone else will say, or what the future holds. Whatever it is, I want it with you. I'm not leaving. I'm not going anywhere, not without you and Abel" she finished.  
  
When he didn't say anything, she finally looked away from him.  
  
"Okay" he whispered.  
  
She looked back at him.  
  
"Okay?"  
  
"Yeah. Okay."  
  
She smiled up at him through watery eyes.  
  
She turned to go back inside. It was chilly out, and they had to join their friends.  
  
"And Clarke?" he said from behind her, "I love you too, you know."  
  
She turned to look back at him again.  
  
"I know."

* * *

 

They made their way back inside, still holding hands.  
  
Raven, Kane and Octavia smiled at them. Clarke didn't hesitate before smiling back.  
  
They ate dinner and mingled with the rest of the guests. Eventually, people were drunk enough to start dancing, Clarke among them. She grabbed Abel by the hand and took him to the center of the dance floor.  
  
She looked up after a while and noticed Bellamy smiling at them from one of the tables.  
  
Aurora and Kane made their way to towards the group, and Clarke danced with Kane while Aurora took Abel into her arms and spun him around and around.  
  
"I'm glad you made it" Kane said while they danced. "I know...I know this is hard for you. But you belong here, with us."  
  
Clarke looked up, smiled at him.  
  
"Can I cut in?" Octavia said from their side, "This is our song."  
  
Clarke listened for a few seconds. She heard the first few chords of a song she recognized but couldn't name.

"Oh, um, of course" she said, letting go of Kane. She figured it was one of theirs, perhaps something daughter-father like?  
  
But just as she turned to leave, she recognized the song.  
  
_Honey And The Moon.  
_  
She turned back to Octavia, who was looking right at her.  
  
"You...you remember?" Octavia asked, a little timidly.  
  
"Yeah" Clarke said, a lump forming in her throat. "I-I remember."  
  
Octavia took a step towards her and then they were slow dancing, just like they were more than 10 years ago, to the exact same song.  
  
"I don't...I don't expect you to forgive me. Not yet anyway. I can't take back what I've said, what I've done...but I want to try. I want to be your friend again" Octavia said, halfway through the song.  
  
"It's okay. Really, it is. I can't take back what I did, either. And I hope you know that...that I regret it. That I always will. I'm sorry for...for not being part of your life for those eight years" Clarke whispered against the other girls shoulder.  
  
"I understand. I didn't before, but mostly because I didn't want to. But I do, Clarke, I understand. I guess...I guess we can only go from here. Try to get to know one another again?" Octavia said, pulling back to look at Clarke.

Clarke nodded at the girl who had been one of her closest friends through the toughest years of Clarke's life. If she stuck around then, then Clarke was sure that she'd stick around now.  
  
The song ended and the girls parted, Octavia going off to convince Murphy to dance with her.  
  
"But it's my engagement party! You have to do what I say!" Clarke heard Octavia yell, pulling Murphy from his chair and onto the dance floor.  
  
Clarke made her way to Monty next, ready to cross another thing off of her list.  
  
He was understanding, just like she knew he'd be. After their talk, she danced with him and Miller until her feet started to hurt.  
  
By the end of the night, there was only one more thing to cross off on her list. Or one more person, for that matter.  
  
She saw Aurora coming down the stairs. She'd gone to check on Abel, who had gone to bed hours ago in Bellamy's old room above the bar.  
  
Clarke took a deep breath and made her way towards the woman she'd loved, the woman she'd hated, the woman she'd gone out of her way to avoid, the woman she'd gone out of her way to impress. The woman who loved her for part of her life, and hated her for another.  
  
"Hey" Clarke said once Aurora finally looked at her. "Can we talk?"  
  
Aurora suddenly looked a little weary. She'd been smiling and laughing all night, Clarke had noticed. But now she looked tired.

"Sure" Aurora said. "Why don't we go upstairs for some privacy?"  
  
Clarke wasn't sure if that was a good idea, but she agreed. She had to get this over with. She looked back and saw Bellamy staring at her, a worried look on his face. She smiled at him and gave him a little nod, hoping he'd understand that she wanted to do this. That she could do this.  
  
They walked upstairs and stopped at the very top.  
  
Aurora sat down on the top step and took a long sip of her beer.  
  
Clarke decided to join her.  
  
Compared to how she felt now, the other conversations she'd been having all night were much easier than this one. She wasn't sure how she'd begin. She wasn't even exactly sure about what she wanted to say.  
  
"So I take it you're not leaving?" Aurora said.  
  
Clarke nodded.  
  
"Does that bother you?" she asked, knowing damn well that it did.  
  
"Does it matter?" Aurora asked, smirking at Clarke.  
  
"No. I guess it doesn't" Clarke answered.  
  
They sat in silence for a few minutes.

"Look, Aurora. I know why you...why you hate me. I know it's all because of what I did. What I've done. But I love Bellamy. I love Abel. And I'm not going anywhere, not without them. Not now, not ever. So..." She paused. She didn't know what else to say.  
  
"I'll never stop looking out for my family, Clarke. You know that" Aurora finally said.  
  
"I know" Clarke said back. And strangely, it was one of the things Clarke had always admired about her. She never gave up on the ones she loved.  
  
"But I guess...." Aurora began. She paused long enough for Clarke to turn, meeting Aurora's gaze. "I guess I'll just have to get used to it."  
  
"Yeah" Clarke said, "You will. Because I'm not going anywhere."  
  
She didn't have anything left to say, so she got back up and joined the party once again.  
  
At the end of the night, Clarke felt relieved, more than anything. She'd said everything she wanted to say. She made her decision. And despite the fact that she felt scared, she knew it was the right decision. Monty was right. You have to fight, you have to get through the shitty times because at the end of the day, it was worth it.  
  
Eventually, the party started to dwindle. They said their goodbyes, biding one another a good night. Bellamy was staying, not wanting to wake Abel up at such a late hour. 

"Do you want to stay?" he asked her a little timidly, when everyone besides her, Raven and Miller had left.  
  
She looked back at Raven, who nodded and gave her a little smile.  
  
"Yeah" she said. "I want to stay."  
  
They closed the bar up and made their way upstairs. He found her an old t-shirt to wear while he changed into something more comfortable.  
  
Abel was sleeping in the middle of the bed, so Clarke crawled under the covers on his left. Bellamy turned the lights off and got in on Abel's right side.  
  
Clarke turned on her side, facing Abel and Bellamy. He must've felt her shift, because he did the same thing and suddenly they were looking at one another in the darkness.  
  
The last thought she had before falling asleep was that she'd never felt more whole than she felt now, watching Abel and Bellamy sleep beside her.

* * *

Octavia and Lincoln had a spring wedding.  
  
They had it outside, late in the afternoon on a Saturday. Clarke stood to Octavia's side, in her light blue bridesmaid dress with Raven, Luna and Aurora to her left.  
  
As a child, she imagined herself in this position. But after she left, she never even considered it. Now, it felt a little unreal.  
  
After that night at Octavia and Lincoln's engagement party, they made an effort to get to know one another again. It was tough at first. It was hard to listen to everything she had missed in the eight years she'd been gone. She was sure that it was hard for Octavia, too.  
  
But they got through it.  
  
Eventually, they started having 'girls nights' again, with Raven. And slowly, the space between them disappeared, along with all of the anger they felt for one another. Now, Octavia came by without being invited. Clarke didn't have to think about what to say to her anymore.  
  
But when Octavia asked her to be one of her bridesmaid's, Clarke cried.  
  
So she watched one of her oldest, one of her best friends walk down the aisle in a beautiful wedding gown and marry the man she loved.  
  
She saw Aurora cry for the first time, watching Octavia walk down the aisle, Bellamy by her side.

Her relationship with Aurora hadn't gone as smoothly. There were still days when they argued, but not like before. Clarke was pretty sure that Aurora would never like her, but that didn't matter. She had to accept her. That was enough.  
  
Bellamy took his place on Lincoln's left, next to Kane and Lincoln's father.  
  
They said their vows. They kissed. But Clarke couldn't stop looking at Bellamy, directly across from her. At some point, he noticed her staring. He gave her a smile and she smiled back.  
  
It was one of the happiest moments of Clarke's life.

* * *

 

On the last day of June, Clarke found herself laying on Bellamy's couch. It was Sunday, and they'd decided to watch a movie after Abel had gone to bed.  
  
Bellamy was sitting on the other side of the couch, Clarke's feet in his lap. Half of a cold pizza sat on the table between two empty bottles of beer.  
  
Clarke was thinking about how around this time last year, she came back to Arkadia. She never thought she'd be where she was right now, laying on Bellamy Blake's couch. In his life.  
  
"We should get married" Bellamy said, looking over at her.  
  
"What?" she asked. There was no way she had heard him correctly.  
  
"We should get married" he repeated, still looking at her.  
  
"Are you serious?" she asked, sitting up.  
  
"Yeah. Do...do you want me to ask you more formally?" he said, smiling at her. "Surprise you in some way, get down on one knee?"  
  
She stared at him for a few minutes, thinking about what she wanted to say.  
  
"No" she finally said.  
  
"Oh..." he said, the smile dropping from his face.

"No...no! I mean-" she crawled over until she was sitting in his lap, "I mean, I don't want you to ask me in any other way! This...this is perfect Bellamy. I do. I want to marry you" she said, beaming at him.  
  
And it was perfect. There was nothing traditional, nothing typical about them.  
  
She didn't want some fancy surprise engagement at a party with all of their friends. She wanted it like this. On a summer night, 9:07 pm on a Sunday. Them, on the couch. A cold pizza on the table. A movie playing in the background and the crickets chirping in the warm summer air.  
  
"You-you do?" he asked, putting his hands on her hips.  
  
"I do!" she half-yelled, crushing her body to his, wrapping her arms around his neck.  
  
He must've been surprised, because it was a few seconds before he wrapped his hands around her waist, putting his face in the crook between her neck and her shoulder. He couldn't see it, but she was still smiling.

* * *

 

They got married a few weeks later.  
  
There wasn't any point in waiting. They both knew what they wanted. So why not?  
  
They had their wedding in the same place that Octavia and Lincoln had theirs. Raven, Octavia and Abby were by Clarke's side. Kane, Lincoln, Miller and Murphy were by Bellamy's.  
  
He was the only person she looked at when she made her way down the aisle. He watched her the entire time, not looking away.  
  
Abel stood between them while they got married. He held their rings until it was time for them to place them on one another.  
  
When they kissed, everyone cheered.  
  
Clarke pulled away, opening her eyes to look at him. He was already looking at her.

* * *

 

"I've been thinking" Bellamy said, a few days into December.  
  
"What? Oh my god... You've been thinking? Who are you and what have you done with my husband?" Clarke exclaimed, fighting to keep her face serious.  
  
"Shut up" Bellamy said, smiling at her.  
  
They were eating breakfast on a Thursday morning before Bellamy had to go to work.  
  
Clarke laughed.  
  
"What have you been thinking about?" she asked over a mouthful of blueberry pancakes.  
  
"We should move" he said.  
  
"What?" she asked, confused.  
  
"We should move" he repeated. "Why are you constantly saying 'what' when you obviously hear me?" he said, rolling his eyes.  
  
"Because I can't believe you just said that? Move? Where?" she exclaimed. _What the hell? Where is this coming from?_  
  
"I don't know. I don't have an exact place in mind. And I don't mean like...across the country. Or even to another state. I just mean like...we should move somewhere new."

"Why? You-you've never wanted to move before? Why now?"  
  
"Because" he said, getting up. He offered her his hand and she took it, rising from her chair.  
  
"Because I feel like we're starting a new chapter of our lives. I know that sounds weird. Lame, even. But we've been here most of our lives. And yeah, we have our family and friends. So we don't have to go far. But we've been with them forever. I...I want us to start somewhere new, as a family" he said, placing his hand on the little bump on Clarke's stomach.  
  
"Where would we go?" she asked, totally taken aback by his suggestion.  
  
"I don't know" he said, shrugging.  
  
"What would we do? Like our jobs and stuff? And where would we live?" she asked, still a little shocked.  
  
"I don't know" he said again, smiling at her. "But we'll figure it out. We always do."

* * *

 

Aurora didn't take the news well. But Clarke didn't think she would.  
  
After Bellamy's suggestion, they take random road trips for about a month; going North, East, South, West.  
  
But none of the cities or towns make much of a impression on either one of them.  
  
And then one weekend, they end up further East than they'd ever been. They were in a small town close to Mrytle Beach, about four hours away from Arkadia on a chilly January afternoon.  
  
They walked on the beach for a little while. It was too cold to swim but the view made it impossible for them not to stop and have a picnic in the sand.  
  
Clarke watched Bellamy and Abel walk closer to the water so that Abel could feel how cold it was. She smiled and snapped a picture of them while they weren't looking. A older couple walking a dog passed by them, and Clarke asked the woman them to take a picture of three of them, standing by the water.  
  
The sun had started setting when they decided it was time to leave, they had a long drive ahead of them. That morning, they had stopped by a few houses but again, none of them really felt like _the one._  
  
They were driving through a small neighborhood, making their way towards the interstate when a house with a 'For Sale' sign caught Clarke's attention.  
  
She told Bellamy to pull over.

The house was bigger than Bellamy's but not as big as Kane and Aurora's. It was painted white and it looked to be about two stories. Clarke walked up the driveway, holding Abel's hand. Bellamy walked a few feet behind them.  
  
There was a big tree with low hanging branches in the front yard. Perfect for climbing. Clarke turned to look at Bellamy, but he was looking at the tree.  
  
They walked onto the big front porch and Clarke noticed a cute little swing on the side. She looked to the right and saw a big open field, another house in the far distance. She looked to her left and saw the same thing.  
  
She knocked on the door and a woman answered. Clarke asked if they could look around and the woman let them. Eventually, Clarke left to explore the house on her own, leaving Bellamy and Abel in the kitchen.  
  
She walked upstairs and noted that there were three bedrooms and two bathrooms. The room at the end was the biggest, and it opened to a balcony overlooking the back yard.  
  
She walked back downstairs to find Bellamy. She heard him and Abel outside so she followed their voices back onto the porch.  
  
Clarke stood there, watching Bellamy place Abel in a crook between the trunk and a tree branch. She walked towards them, standing beside Bellamy.

They watched as a tiny bird landed on the branch, about a foot away from Abel. He reached out, his skinny toddler arm beckoning the bird to come closer. It flew away, and Clarke watched Abel watch it fly up and up until they couldn't see it anymore.  
  
"Bellamy" she said, grabbing his hand.  
  
He looked down at her and she looked up at him.  
  
"This is it" she said, smiling.  
  
He smiled back at her. She knew he was thinking the same thing.

* * *

 

"Drive safe" Aurora said, kissing Bellamy on the cheek.  
  
Clarke strapped Abel into his car seat after everyone there had hugged and kissed him goodbye.  
  
She turned to face her friends, her family. Kane, Aurora, Lincoln, Octavia, Raven, Murphy, Jasper, Monty and Miller.  
  
They were all looking at her and Bellamy. They took turns hugging everyone, saying goodbye.  
  
"Don't forget to call when you get there" Aurora said after she and Clarke shared a short embrace. "And-and remember not to do any heavy lifting."  
  
Clarke nodded, smiling a bit. No, her relationship with Auora wasn't perfect. It wasn't even close. But despite the fact that Aurora had pretty much made this year the toughest one yet, Clarke felt like they'd reached some sort of middle ground. After she found out that Clarke was pregnant, things had changed. She stopped picking fights. She stopped mentioning anything about the past 8 years. Sometimes she even drove Clarke to her appointments. She'd framed the ultrasound picture Clarke had given her and hung it in her living room. There was even a picture of Clarke there, from her wedding day.  
  
"Clarke" she heard Aurora say as she was preparing to turn.  
  
"Yeah?" Clarke asked, turning to face the woman again.  
  
"I...I..." Aurora began, her voice shaking. 

Clarke looked at her. She'd never seen that look on Aurora's face before. It looked a lot like regret.  
  
She reached forward and grabbed Aurora's hand, giving it a little squeeze. "I'll call as soon as we get there" Clarke said.  
  
Aurora nodded and dropped her eyes to the ground. Kane came over and put an arm around her shoulder, giving her forehead a kiss. He looked at Clarke and nodded, saying something like _I've got this._  
  
Clarke saved Raven for last. She was staying here, she'd found her home. Clarke tried not to cry as the parted, but she could see the tears in Raven's eyes.  
  
"Don't forget" she said, loud enough for everyone to hear. "We'll be coming down next weekend. So get a lot of alcohol, and make sure I don't have to sleep with any of these losers" she said, jerking her thumb back at the group behind her.  
  
"Oh come on! I know you'd love nothing more than to share a bed with me!" Jasper yelled.  
  
A few people laughed. But Clarke still heard a few sniffles.  
  
"Seriously though" Raven said, lowering her voice. "Drive safe. We'll...we'll be down next weekend."

Clarke nodded. She couldn't even speak over the lump in her throat.  
  
Bellamy got in the car and Clarke made her way to the passenger side. She took one last look at her friends before getting in.  
  
"Are you ready?" Bellamy asked, looking over at her.  
  
She looked back at him. Back at the person she'd loved since she was 13. Her best friend. Her partner. Her other half.  
  
The man who loved her. The man who'd waited for her. The man she knew would follow her straight to hell if she asked. The man who helped her pick up the shattered pieces of her life and stayed by her side as she tried to put herself back together, time and time again.  
  
"Yeah" she said, "I'm ready."

* * *

 

The walked up the driveway and stood on the porch.  
  
Clarke put the key in the lock and turned it. But after she put her hand on the doorknob, she stopped to look at Bellamy, right beside her.  
  
"What?" he asked, shifting a sleeping Abel onto his right side.  
  
"Nothing...it's-it's just that this is kind of...kind of symbolic, really" she said.  
  
"What is?"  
  
"Opening this door."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"I mean...this isn't just the door to our new house. This is the door to our future. Like you said, a new chapter of our lives...You know?" she asked, looking up at him.  
  
He looked down at her and gave her a small smile before placing his hand on top of hers.  
  
"Together?" he asked.  
  
"Together" she answered. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End!
> 
> Chapter title inspired by Knocking On Heavens Door by Raign aka the Bellarke anthem. 
> 
> Thank you all so much for your feedback and your love. It has made writing this fic such a pleasure for me. Thank you for sticking through the angst, the darkness and the slow burn. You guys are seriously the best.
> 
> I doubt I will EVER love writing a fic more than I loved writing this one, but if anyone's interested, I've started a new one (Bellarke of course!). You can find it under my works, or search "In My Dreams We Are Always Together". It's pretty much the opposite of this fic, but who knows? Maybe you will like it!
> 
> Thank you, once again. 
> 
> Bellarke forever <3


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